Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Look Back at 2009

It's been a whirlwind of a year. There has been so much happen - good, bad and everything in between. How life flies, especially now that 2009 brought me to ripe old age of 40!

January
January was a hectic month for us all. Cute Boy, Princess and I all packed up and in to the new house. It was great to get out of the condo, but it was not an easy transition for the 3 of us.

February
February was filled with buying of tickets for concerts, first off February, was Kenny Chesney tickets to be bought for August. They were an Easter gift for Princess.

February 14th brought around this February 2 - concert - Brad Paisley with Cute Boy's youngest daughter. WOW!!! What an incredible concert that was. Such an energetic performer. After the concert we spent the night at Cute Boy's niece's place. That was fun and just what I needed.

The concert fun of February 3 wasn't over just yet. There was still the Elton John and Billy Joel tickets to purchase yet. Is it any wonder I was in need of a second job?

March
Still battling my ever growing waistline in the month of March I thought this was a tolerable number at the time, but now, as I look back I'd love to have that number staring up at me. Little did I know at the time to just appreciate that because it was only going to get worse! Oh silly me! When will I learn?

April
April 1st saw me at the Plastic surgeon's office for the consultation for a breast augmentation. I qualify, but having the financial setbacks I'm living through, so as much as I am a candidate I'm not able to continue in my quest for new boobs! So sad was me!

May
I bought this bad boy in May! I've not used it as much as I would have thought. It was too good a bargain to pass up! It was a love at first sight moment, if I've ever!

June
June threw me for a loop. I look back now and it was a pivotal month in life being how it is now in December. It was the beginning of the end of Princess living at home. It was also at this point that I realized what an amazing man I've the honour of loving. The commitment he has shown in support of me and my family is something, at times, I've taken for granted. Taken for granted to that point, but no longer. It is because of him, I've learned so much about myself. I can not thank him enough!

July
July - pretty boring. You can skip right over it!

August
I love the gift of August. It is my very first sunflower given by my dear beloved friend, Velda. No better gift could have been given to me at the time I received this gem.

September
If I could redo September I would in a heartbeat! It was the beginning of a very concerning and very scary time in my life. There are no words that could have ever prepared me for the news awaiting us in October. If I thought September was bad, I knew nothing!

October
To be able to turn back a clock, I would love to be able to do that for the month of October This is and will always be one of the saddest days of my life. I never in a million years would ever have expected to be dealt the emotional blow of Velda being diagnosed with cancer. My heart hurts to this day at the thoughts of Velda being dealt this blow! My sense of helplessness still sits heavy in my heart.

A great collection of women participated in the October - Run for the Cure. What a day. The surprise of Velda meeting our team at the finish line was extremely emotional.

One emotional event quickly followed by another with October 3rd edition Princess leaving home. The strain of figuring out how I feel in regards to my youngest daughter leaving home. Time has passed, but I still struggle.

The sad happenings of Velda getting sick, brought about October 4th edition this fun. I will forever walk with Angels. It was great to share this day with Velda, her oldest daughter and both of mine.

November
I couldn't have been more proud with my November - Queenie applying to College. She did the work. She never gave up. I paid. She pressed the 'send' button. I cried. Enough said!

December
So, the application to college is sent and that is exciting in it's own rite. Then Queenie does it again - yaaaaa December

My own personal news, shared for the first time publicly, as recent as yesterday December 2 yaaaaa me!

In closing, I will say, this has been quite a year. There have been many good and bad things. Events I would have never dreamed of or wanted. I've learned a lot about myself, but most importantly I've learned a lot about my friends and how much they will do to help me get through this crazy thing called life. Life is crazy and that is what makes it wonderful. Being surrounded by each and everyone of you here and in my real life is what represents the biggest blessings in my life!

Thank you.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Breaking News

I've officially lost my mind! I know it may surprise some of you, but others not so much.

Under the tutelage of
Bre, I will be undertaking one of the biggest challenges of my life to date

There are many people that have been instrumental in my mental belief that this is something I can do. Don't get me wrong my head space is filled with reasons why I can't do this, how difficult it is going to be, and so on and so on! I am putting the negative chatter in the garbage as of right now. I want this and that is as good a reason as any to want to do this and to do it!

The following
women, to name a few have been inspirational. They come from arious walks of life and reasons for doing what they do to live healthier and more fit in their day to day to life.

I've been sitting on this information for about a month now. It was during a conversation with my friend Pam that I first thought this was something I could do, something I wanted to do. I still sat on it a couple more days before sending the e-mail to Bre. In true, Bre generosity, she has offered to take me under her wing and cyber train from Sacramento California. I couldn't be more honoured and happy to have a training partner such as Bre. I love you, girl! You are my inspiration and driving force. I hope you don't regret 'taking me under your wing'. I know you've already said you don't, but this journey of ours has just begun, honey!

Before I mentally and emotionally committed to this huge goal, I talked with Cute Boy and both my girls and with Velda. Every time I would talk about this want of mine, I would cry. Every e-mail I send to Bre or read from her, I cry! She tells me it has taken her 5 halfs to not cry coming over the finish line. Crossing the finish line I expect to cry. Writing an e-mail???

Those that I have listed as inspiration, let me give you a little insight as to why.

Bre - because you are you! You have given so willing of your experience, time and knowledge!
Krista - that one goes without saying - I love you!
Amy - You are a work out goddess! You just go about your business and get it done! In short order - you rock!
Tigerlily - Some days it is as though your blog post was written from my the words floating in my own head. I identify so much with your struggles and your victories! You are a wonderful inspiration!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Christmas From My Rearview Mirror

Now that the wonder of the Christmas season is over, I'm left with thoughts of Christmases past.

There have been so many different types of Christmases that I've lived. Some good, some sad and some just.

The most colourful Christmas I can remember, but do I really remember it or just remember what I saw in pictures? I remember the Christmas I was given my little couch and chair set from my grandparents. It was the cutest couch and chair set. It was magical!

The Christmas I spent the night at my Aunt's house and celebrated with their family because both of my parents were working. That was a weird feeling. I can still remember the loneliness of laying on the couch looking at the stockings hung on the wrought iron railings. It was was very generous of my Aunt to have me spend the night, but it just wasn't home. You know?

There was the Christmas that I spent in the hospital with my mother. I slept on a cot in her hospital bed. That was just the most heartbreaking feeling ever! I remember laying there for the longest time listening to her trachea tube wheezing noise and silent tears rolling down my face. I was blessed in the sense of being with my mother and hopefully offsetting some of her loneliness, but it was a sad place to be. If it was sad for me, what must it have been like for her?

The Christmas following this one, was gifts from my dad sitting on the couch. I woke up and there the gifts were on the couch. No tree, no wrap. Just gifts. He had to work and that was his efforts for Christmas that year.

Many Christmases after that were spent with my in-laws before the arrival of my daughters. It was after the girls arrived that I found Christmas took on a whole new kind of magic. There is something magical about viewing Christmas through the eyes of a child. It was being 'Santa' for me that I fell in love with Christmas and the spirit of giving.

The last 2 Christmases have been a bit unorthodox as far as what I have come to expect of the holidays and with my prolific past of unorthodox Christmases, that is really saying something. I've spent the last two Christmases without my children and it sucks!

As much as Christmas is about being with the people you love, I've been blessed with that again this year. It was Cute Boy and I alone on Christmas morning. Not what I'm used to, but precious in it's own right. Leading up to Christmas Day, one could say I was moody, edgy, tear-filled and downright irritable. Not to be dishonest, but it was all kept from Cute Boy. He has and does help me through every single difficult thing I encounter, but I didn't want him paying the price for something that is not his fault. My concern and anxiety turned out to be all for not. I am getting used to things not being how I expect them to be, but good nonetheless. It was a beautiful Christmas morning with the man I adore and cherish. It has become our own special time now. Things may not be how I envisioned them, but some of the best things in life are those that aren't planned.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Speedy I'm Not, Excited I Am

I'm no speedy Gonzales that much I know.

I put in a pretty decent run last night. It was my re-introduction to the trusty friend I have in my treadmill.

30 minutes later covering 3.7KM with a 12:59, just call it a 13 minute mile. OMG that is an eye opener to have far I have slid in my overall performance.

I will not do the negative head chatter. This isn't about where I used to be, but where I am now and where I'm headed. I loved my run last night. I used my new i-pod (not fully loaded with tunes yet) and it was great. It felt invigorating to work up a good sweat. I loved the feeling of the hurt. All good hurt, of course I loved the fact that I could belt out tunes at the top of my lungs while pushing to get it done. Get it done, all meant in the best of intentions.

I walked away feeling invigorated and the most alive I've felt in months. It is a wonderful feeling to have a goal in mind!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Run Training Question

Those of you that are runners (please come of lurkdom to help a girl out), I have a question.

Do you think you can train for a long distance run on the treadmill for the majority of training or do you think, to be honest to the sport and the rigors of a run, should it be done more outside in the elements?

Thanks any and all!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

A New Beginning Of Sorts

It's all over but the crying. There has been any crying yet.

Christmas Eve has been celebrated, Christmas gifts given, dinner consumed and the exodus of the loved ones.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were wonderful. I was apprehensive about how it was all going to work out, but to be completely honest it was wonderful. It really did feel like Christmas Day while we were celebrating. To make it even more perfect it snowed such a pretty light snow. We loved it!

Princess stayed the last 2 nights at the house which was awesome. It felt great having her around the house again. I was concerned she'd feel uncomfortable, but it didn't seem to me as though she did. I hope she didn't. She was a great help in the kitchen and preparations while Queenie uploaded music to my brand spankin' new ipod, my gift from the girls. Lovin' it already!!! It has the coolest little clip rather having to fuss with those damn armband thingies. The ipod is going to come in super handy in the next couple months. More on that later!

Everyone was up early today. Princess got off to school and straightened some things out on that front. One more day and she is out of school for the holidays. Cute Boy and I were off to take Queenie back up to Cobourg. That was tough, but not as tough as I expected. I really believe it is the best place for her, so off she goes. I may notice the quiet in the next little while, but not right now. There is too much going on for me to notice. It was times when I was as busy as I am going to be in the next couple days that I always felt negligent. It will be after the rush of the holidays that I notice more that my girls are no longer living at home. I will deal with the quiet the only way I know how and that is by keeping busy and occupying my mind.

I find that my life is always a series of time consuming demands. I'm hoping to be able to slow things down some and find some time for me. Spending some quiet time with Cute Boy is high on the list too. Never far from my thoughts, but not enough time given, is to Velda. I am really looking forward to finding some time for her and I to just sit quiet and catch up with each other. Avoiding my fears and concerns is not going to make my fear and concern any easier to deal with, so now its time for the big girl panties to be donned and that's that!

I do have some things I'm working on or will be working on over the next couple months. There will not be a lot of talk about it, but it will keep me away from the computer, so as is the norm now, most of my posts will come from work which is why I'm so lacking in pretty pictures.

Until next time. Be good to yourself and take a little time for YOU today!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Christmas Eve Is Tomorrow

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas in my house. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve at house of Queenie and Princess.

Queenie is heading back to Cobourg on Thursday and with it being so close to Christmas she's not sure she is going to get home for Christmas on the 24th or 25th. So, me being me, I'm doing Christmas with all the trimmings on Tuesday Dec. 15th (Christmas Eve) and Wednesday December 16th, (Christmas Day).

It is up early, like normal. Get your stockings and open your gifts. Eat breakfast and stumble back to bed for a little nap! Cute Boy has hockey, so he'll be gone a better part of the day. While he's gone I'll be napping myself and then preparing dinner for the girls, my in-laws and him if he's home. There is a possibility that me may not be there, sadly. He has some stuff at work that may or may not interfere wit his celebrating with us.This is not my ideal way to spend the holidays, but Christmas and the Christmas spirit should be about more than just December 25th. I always say that, now is the time to live it.

Dinner will be most Queenie's and Princess' favorites. Ham, scalloped potatoes, brussel sprouts, peas, cheescake with cherry pie filling top. There will also be Cheese Crazy Lasagna Roll Ups for Princess. Cheese plates, crackers, apple pie, wine and adult beverages.

I'm extremely stressed out and overwhelmed. That's just who I am or who I'm discovering I am. I don't like it one bit. I have list upon list and lists of lists. It's insane. It will all come together. I have only a couple things I need to pick up and then it will be Christmas time in my house!

I can't wait!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Sweet Dream Day

Last night was exactly the kind of night I envisioned when Cute Boy and I discussed moving in with each other.

I love my life!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

A Mental Refresher

I got home from work last night to the most wonderful sight. Cute Boy in the kitchen. I can't tell you happy I am that he and I are in a good place and with that good place, all the support and good he brings to my life.

I grinned a little grin when I saw him in the kitchen. I groaned a little groan too. On the counter was 2 bricks of cheese and macaroni... what is that???? That is the making of his macaroni and cheese casserole. I love it. I hate it. I love it more! It is sooo tasty but soooo ass fattening. Last night, I didn't care I just enjoyed it. He made supper and I was appreciative of every bite.

There are days when my life is an emotional roller coaster and there are days when I don't know how I got it so good.

You see, Cute Boy is anal (not in a bad way anal, like me) about the garbage. The garbage is a household chore he likes to do. Last night was garbage night. I had to do nothing. He likes to play in the snow - read shovel and snowplow. We are in the midst of a couple days of snowy weather. I've done nothing. Okay, nothing might be pushing it. He shovels. I drink coffee/tea/wine. He shovels and I'm in the house shoveling. While on the topic of household chores, I'll continue to sing his praises. He likes to cut the grass too. So, in the summer he's cutting the grass I'm on the deck with a book reading. How did I get so lucky?

I've been off my game mentally since I'm feeling like I'm not appreciated and some other things that have been pointed out to me by a person I can barely tolerate, but the comments have hit home and are rooting in my head and heart. I was mentally and emotionally drained when I got home from work last night. The timing of Cute Boy's culinary help and wonder were right on target. After dinner we went in to our room with the intention of (get your mind out of the gutter) watching a movie after the early edition news. I don't remember the news since I fell asleep to the rhythm of Cute Boy rubbing my back. I can remember laying there telling him how sweet he is with a tear rolling down my cheek. He doesn't know I had the tears unless he reads about it here, which he normally doesn't. It's one of those moments that you know this is where you were meant to be and with whom.

See the pattern of my roller coaster life though? Tuesday night so sad and heart broken at feeling unappreciated and disrespected. Wednesday night just the complete opposite. Nothing more to worry about than being loved by Cute Boy with no worries from him whatsoever. As much as I appreciate the love, support and general taking care of me, I wonder if I'm going crazy and what the hell is wrong with me. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Make sense?

Somewhere along the way things with Cute Boy and I just clicked in how we live this life of ours together. Our life isn't going to always be easy, but right now I'm going to take every minute of and enjoy it. I was thinking last night, how is it that I became the princess in my life? I can't say for certain, but I think it's Cute Boy! How lucky I am.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Done Like a Dinner

So, we went out for dinner. It was great to see my in-laws. The food was great. The reason for the gathering was great as well. The attitude from the girl for the reason for the celebration - not so much.

I was asked for pictures. The attitude took care of that. After the attitude I couldn't be bothered to take pictures. Why bother? To commemorate the joyous gathering?

I'm so sick and tired of being treated like I'm just a carpet. The tone and ignorance is beyond what I can handle. I'm at the end of my mental rope. I will tolerate this no longer! I'm done like a dinner and all it took was a final celebration dinner to see that I'm not respected or appreciated. I'm nothing more than a means to an end. The end has come for me.

My heart breaks at the way I feel right now, but that broken heart is not an indication of weakness, but rather a resolve to stop being an emotional punching bag for those that use me as such. So, the tears I cried last night and the heaviness of thoughts today are not a lack of strength. It is more a show of strength that I am shutting down my emotions and from here on out just going through the paces.

Done like a dinner is me!

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Big Day Celebration




It's a big day in my house today!

Queenie informed me last night that she writes her final exam in her independent study course today. She is so excited. I can't find the words to fit the feelings of pride at watching her prance around the kitchen beeming with pride in what she's done. And so she should be so proud of herself.

The road thus far has been wrought with victories big and small. Challenges and successes. Missteps and confident strides. It is a day that at times neither of us, Queenie or myself was sure was going to happen. Something somewhere clicked for Queenie and here she stands today, about to take her final exam and graduate from high school.

I can still remember sitting with her as a little girl working on learning book activities from this extremely expensive door to door sales kit that her father and I bought at an outrageous price. The number of books I read to her, too many to count. I loved it all. It hasn't always been as easy as snuggling up on a couch sharing in a story. There were times when school was skipped, when it was easier to not go than to find the drive to get up and get it done. There was Independent Study programs, more than a few high schools in 2 different cities. The important thing is that it Queenie has pulled it together. Today marks the end of one journey and the beginning of another.

A celebration dinner is in order this evening. Queenie, Cute Boy, Princess, my in-laws and myself will be hitting up The Lonestar for a little dinner to celebrate Queenie and her accomplishment!

I, along with many others, couldn't be happier!

Congratulations Sweetie!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Growly Girl

Where the hell did the grumpy girl come from?

My day started out amazing! Spent some time with Cute Boy this morning.

Went to my counselling appointment. It was a good appointment. I'm never sure if I'm making progress or just nattering. The things I talk about don't always make the most sense to me, but I felt I did okay today. Got in my car and cried! That is typical.

I had some gifts yet to buy for Velda. I really struggled until today. Today all was aligned and I found great gifts! I love them! That's what I get for waiting so long to go downtown. I should know better than that! Silly girl. Lesson learned.

I had a great time walking around downtown looking in the adorable little shops and finding just the right gift for Velda. It was when I got to work that my day went to shit. For no particular reason I walked in the office and I couldn't fight the tears. I've been to the bathroom 3 times crying my eyes out. One time I'm sitting in there in the dark, on the floor with my knees in my chest just bawling! I hate this. I hate this feeling.

I have a lot going on in my life, that goes without saying. I have Queenie moving back to Cobourg in the next 2 weeks. I have Princess not at home and unsure of what she is doing over the holidays. My thoughts about Velda are always front and center as much as I don't talk about them. Not that anyone would know, especially Velda since I very seldom see her. I'm dealing with that guilt, not so well, I guess. I don't really know how to say what I'm trying to say.

I love the holidays and I want to be home enjoying them, not here at work - not today. I'm tired of the mental struggles of this job and the demands of it. I want to be home with my tree, my Cute Boy, my dog, my lights, my Christmas music. I want to be on the couch snuggled in blanket loving my life not mentally fighting my way through my day. I want to be here sharing my joys of the Christmas season, not feeling so wrought!

I will be back with more positive thoughts and a fresh outlook on life after the glass of wine I have planned for when I hang the lights on the tree tonight! That will chase away my dark mood and bring back my Christmas spirit and a leave a smile on my heart.


Enchanted Fairy 55 Hours


Who would think to expect a stitching picture on a blog that started as a place to display my works of needle and floss.

Here is my latest bit of work on Enchanted Fairy. This piece has been in my so called rotation for 2 years now. How sad is that?!

Let's see if I can't find some time this month to work on another piece for a 5 hour block and come back even stronger with a progress pic. All I ask is you don't hold your breath. It may not happen.

Happy stitching day to you.

A Delayed Thank You

This gift has been sitting in a special place since the day I got it. In no way does my delay in saying a huge THANK YOU to Cathey for such a sweet thoughtful gift, indicate anything on my behalf other than a wonky picture program on Cute Boy's computer - grrrr.

It was quite a shock to find an envelope with my name on it sitting on the counter. I wasn't expecting anything from anyone. As soon as I saw the return address I knew where and who it was from! YAAAAHOOO I knew it was going to be good. Cute Boy asks me why I got such a gift. I TRIED to explain. He didn't really get it. I didn't really expect him to understand.

Now that the picture is taken, well the picture was taken long ago, but now displayed here, I can put to use the sweet gifts. The letter is the best! Thank you Cathey, from the bottom of my heart. It is kindness of others that is the blanket of comfort when life is not so pleasant.

Love you to pieces! -- Reeses pieces!

Friday, November 27, 2009

A Little Down Today...

On the scale that is!

I weighed in this morning and the scale showed me down .8lbs! I'm a square 140lbs. It's been since sometime in September that I've seen 140. WOOHOO! I'm nowhere near where I want to me, but I'm working towards my goal.

.8lb loss isn't as good as I could hope for, although the fact that I haven't been on the treadmill or lifted a weight in about a week I'll take .8lb. It's all good when the number is going down!

I've made a decision about what my goal gift is going to be when I hit my 125lb mark. Lululemon pants. If that isn't incentive nothing is. Okay, I know the goal is to be healthier and I will be when I don't have this extra weight sitting on my midsection.

YAAAA for a mini scale victory today!

Have a healthy day!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

A How To Guide

A How To Guide To Crying At Work

  • Have a best friend diagnosed with terminal cancer - sucks
  • Have said friend choose The Climb as her theme song - fits so well
  • Avoid The Climb like the plague since diagnosis and choosing of theme
  • Have issues with posting to blog journal of the treatments and feelings of friend - damn it
  • Know that your friend is dealing with things your can do nothing to help with
  • Hear The Climb on co-workers on-line radio
  • CRY sad sobbing tears

Date Night


Cute Boy and I had ourselves a date night last night.

Dinner at Montana's with the cutest waitress ever! That waitress would be my daughter - Queenie! Dinner was a selection of the Cobb salad with a side of 4 Cheese spinach dip. I slowed my eating on this one so that Cute Boy ate more than I did. Sneaky girl, I am.

Off to the movies we go. Our timing was perfect for seating, except for a very obnoxious lady beside me that thought it a good idea to verbalize her thoughts about what the characters were doing. It was uber annoying! I could have smacked her.

I advise you to head out to your local theaters and see this movie. Sandra Bullock's character was amazing. She did an amazing job. Her character didn't smile a lot, but she showed her emotions so well with mostly only her eyes and a twitch of her mouth. I cried a few times, not as much as I expected, but tears were definitely shed.

All in all, a great day with Cute Boy, an awesome waitress and a feel good movie!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Heavy Hearted Moment

When you're tired and working on less that 7 hours sleep in 2 days, you should do what you can to avoid things that are emotional and difficult. Working on less than 7 hours sleep in 2 days, is in no way smart. It is not good for you. It's especially not good for your heart or your emotional handle on things you can normal deal with in a manner of strength and not as a blubbering maniac.

I got out of work early today to do a bank thing for Cute Boy (new truck comin' - ya). That was fine. Since I was in the neighbourhood, I thought I'd check up on Princess and see if she was at work so I could pop in and see her. Her not living at home obviously limits our time together. She was shocked at that in the beginning, but has gotten used to it, or it seems anyway.

Princess has 2 jobs and I expected her to be at the job closest to where I was, but unfortunately she was at her job a bit further down the road, not far, but more of a hassle for me to get to at 5pm. Traffic joys? You wanna bet. I communicated via text messaging that I would pop by the close job, but not deal with the traffic to the farther job. The whole time talking to Princess she had told me she was outside her work waiting for me. It was a tough thing to tell her I wouldn't be driving down to her job to see her. It was too close to her start time and I'd never make it in traffic. So, I headed towards home or so I thought. I just automatically got in the lane that would spin me around and take me to her job.

I drive in to the parking lot and there she is in the window, looking out. I thought telling her I wouldn't be popping by to see her, was tough. This was so much tougher. You know how people say, "It was like getting punched in the gut". Well, this was just like that. She had this expression on her face that just hurt so much.

I didn't stay long, but seeing her felt good. I think it felt good. It hurt like hell. I cried all the way home and then stood in the kitchen and sobbed to Cute Boy. I know a lot of Princess' decisions are of her own making and she has to do what she has to do, even if that is not what is best for her future or her safety or health. I can only do so much. I have to step back and watch this unfold. It hurts like hell. I know I've already said that, but it's the only thing that really seems to fit.

I'm putting this day to bed!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Re-commitment to Me

This past week I was half assed doing Weight Watchers again. I started out gangbusters to only fall off part way through the week.

That being said - I lost 1.8lbs this week! WOOHOO for me! I would be more excited than "WOOHOO for me, if last week's WI didn't see me at the highest I've been in the last 8-10 years!

This is the day I re-commit to me and setting time aside for me, my health and my mental state. The mental state and my body size, shape and weight go hand in hand. I know it's not a good thing, but that is who I am. It is how I'm hardwired. I'm working towards changing my thoughts of myself based on my clothing size, muffin top - all of it. I'm trying.

I hit the treadmill yesterday for 2.2K. I"m on way there again! I'm excited AGAIN to get on the treadmill and feel good about what I did for ME today!

Have a great one!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

College Bound

College Application $90.00
Child College Bound - Priceless!


Queenie and I submitted her applications for college admissions tonight. WOW!! It was quite the proud moment. I cried! Of course I cried. I could cry now, still. I am so proud of Queenie. I was just beaming! What was even sweeter was she was beaming too. As proud as I am of her, she has to be equally as proud of herself.

The path to this time in her life and this success has not been easy. Life has been a challenge for her. There are challenges of her own making and those made my others, myself included that would have, could have sabotaged her efforts to get her act together and persevere to a point where she is able to submit college applications. She hung in there, she struggled and she fought for this moment. She deserves every success!

I love you, peanut! Congratulations! I am so proud of you!

p.s. -- Yellow for her favorite colour





Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Anniversary of Sorts

Today marks the 4 year anniversary of my split from FN. What a 4 years it has been.

There has been so much that has happened as a result of my separation. I would like to be able to say DIVORCE since FN is 'married' to someone else, but the sad disgusting truth is we are still married. I hate it and if not for what seems to me, the compromising of my beliefs and allowing him to go unaccountable for his responsibilities, I'd be divorced by now.

That is all I will say about that. This post is about celebrating the good in my life because of my life experiences, and that separation was a major life experience.

Cute Boy is first and foremost in my thoughts when I think about the good that has come of my new life post break up. I have never admitted this on my blog before and to very few people in my real life. I never admitted it to anyone, until after I did to Cute Boy. I'm a very loyal relationship partner, and by that I mean I'm not a cheater! I'm not a physical cheater nor an emotional cheater. I just have to get that out there, I guess to clear my own conscience. Some of you may be aware that Cute Boy and I had known each other for about 11 years prior to entering in to this relationship. Even while married, I was drawn to him. It was only through the summer (baseball) that I would see him, but I was always content when talking to him and it was something I would look forward to. When I would get to ball and he'd not be there I'd be disappointed. The first year I played ball after my marriage fell apart, it was because of being able to see Cute Boy, that I played. I'm so glad I did. I've always loved the people on my ball team, and now I REALLY love a person on my ball team. How cool is that? All because of ball and him taking a leap of faith asking me out. There is a long story about him asking me out. I should share it one day. There is a woman that both, Cute Boy and I adore that was instrumental in him asking me out. She too, has a special place in my heart! Thank you Traci!!!

There have been some not so good to come of my life taking a different turn. I don't think for a minute it's all about me, those negative happenings. That realization comes thanks to counseling and having very sound advice given by people that love me to the ends of the earth and back, specifically Velda, just today in fact!

I've been blessed in the last 4 years with the support of some amazing people. You make what I do each day easier. You give of yourself unconditionally and in a way that fits my needs when I need them. I'm truly blessed.

So, those early days of my separation, filled with not knowing, the fear, the blame, the hurt and the sense of failure where all for good. I am stronger because of every experience. I am in a place different than what I envisioned for my life, but I place I am proud to call my own. I like who I am and I like where I'm headed. I love in a way that I wasn't sure I could again. I love with a simplicity of ease and comfort. My life isn't always an easy one, but it's not one I would change for anything! I have told Cute Boy before and I tell him again, if he reads this entry and will continue to tell him - I wouldn't change a single tear or hurt if it kept me from being where I am right now with you!

MWAH!!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A Gym Funny

This pretty much sums it up for me.

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Thank You


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Balancing Act

Blog News
First off, I'm having issues. What????? Me???? Issues??? No, really, I am. If you are the owner of a blog that has multiple posting options (live journal, blogger, ID something or other) I can't comment on your blog. Graciela, Velda, 20somethingfatty, I can't post. I'm reading everything you write, but I can't comment. My computer screen comes up with an error code "error on page". At first, I thought it was my work server putting up a soft firewall, but I've tried to comment from home and it's doing the same thing. I'm so sorry for not offering up support. I feel like I'm being cut off from my family. If you want to e-mail me your address I can e-mail me your comments. Big hugs to those of you that haven't heard from me lately. I'm still rooting for you, in all that you do!

Queenie
Queenie is still planning on moving back to Cobourg She has hit a bump in the road courtesy of her father. He is juvenile in his thoughts and more so in his actions. His actions are again affecting how she is feeling about moving there.

Cute Boy and I are of two minds about her moving to Cobourg. It's good. It's not so good. It is her life though and she needs to live it. All we can do is support her decisions to the best of our ability and be available to her in the event she needs us. Isn't that the job of a parent anyway?

Princess
She is still not at home. That is tough! No if, ands or buts about it. I don't like the idea of her not living at home, but she needs to figure some things out for herself. I have to step aside and realize no amount of crying or coddling is going to bring her home. It isn't that I don't want her in our home and being cared for by me or Cute Boy, for that matter. I just will not allow myself to feel the hurt of asking her to come home and getting the "No". The emotional cost is too high for me. It's not pride. It's trying to protect my emotional state and my heart from further hurt.

Cute Boy
We are great and that is no small miracle. Any long time reader will know that we struggle in our life, in our ability to communicate from time to time. I hate those times more than mere words can convey. As much as I dislike those times, I'm starting to learn a lot from them. The lessons learned are many and not lost on me.

What I've learned in the last couple months is that Cute Boy is amazing and just what I need in my life. I've always thought he is amazing, now I know he's amazing for me. He offers support, love and understanding. There are so many times that I come here and dump my negative and don't give him enough credit in the good that he represents to me. That is the balance that I strive for in my day to day life.

I love the strength he shows. I love the strength he sees in me that I don't always see. I love the uncompromising morals. I don't always like when they don't lie in place with my own, but I appreciate the conviction of his beliefs. I love the conversations we are having lately. They do my heart and head good. I love the easy flow that we have right now. I love the sense of commitment and dedication of making our day to day life better for both of us. In the swirl of craziness it is comforting to know I'm blessed with the presence of Cute Boy not only now when life is good between us, but everyday!

There are other thoughts dancing in my head, but I'll keep them there for now for fear of truly and completely falling apart.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

The Exodus Edition of my Life

I don't know where to begin. Most people would say, the beginning. Where the hell is the beginning?

Queenie
Queenie came home. Queenie is leaving again. She is not finding what she needs here. Our house doesn't feel like a home to her. She is really struggling. She is going again.

It has been talked about at great length. There is great concern about her leaving again. She has done a good job up to a point of making it work for her on her own. It appears to me that she is stuck in two worlds. A world, where for 2 years she was on her own. Making her own decisions. No parenting involved. No one to answer to. No one to tell her what to do. No one to demand expectations of her. In a school that is filled with other young adults. Now, back home she is in a school with 'kids' and it drives her crazy. I don't want to speak for her or how she feels, but it is as though she is displaced in her life.

This particular topic could go on and on, but I'll keep short in saying, that Queenie leaving is very sad for me. I have loved having her around and it breaks me heart to know I'm not going to see her everyday. It has been very good for us that we have had this time together. I know, it has done me worlds of good. When I kicked her out of the house it was one of my biggest life regrets and to put some of that right again, feels good. Really good.

Princess
Princess has now left home. When will the revolving door of my house/life end, really? I'm not saying this for pity or compassion. I'm not looking for it and most importantly I don't want it.

Things have never been easy between Princess and Cute Boy. It is as simple as that. I have been as much a contributing factor to that as anyone. I take my responsibility for that.

My fears of the life Princess will lead while not living at home, scares the hell out of me. I don't even know how to put to words the true depth of my fear. We'll just leave it at that. I've been very quiet about Princess leaving. I think a lot of that silence is the fear. The sadness. The hurt. The worry. The ugly of it. The feelings of failure as a parent.

Me
I never dreamed that I would be living the life I'm living. To think I have a house that neither of my daughters want to live in is just too much for me at times.

I have a life that is sometimes smooth, sometimes not. I am a woman that lives life with my emotions and wouldn't change that even if I could. I'm passionate about the things that matter to me and I'm always trying to figure out how to make those around me that aren't happy happy. I wonder if therein lies my biggest mistake. Worrying more about others than myself and then when I do worry about me and put myself ahead of one or another, I'm left.

I have no relationship with my father (whose birthday is today, by the way) and that is just sad no matter how you look at it. The story is long. The story is simple. I stood up for my children and my father and his wife couldn't handle that and walked away. Sad. There is obviously a lot more to the story, too much to write. The short and long of it is - no relationship with my father.

I don't stand up and fight much for my own happiness, as much as I am happy, I just don't fight for it often because people walk away if you don't tow the line.

My dad - walked away
Queenie - walked away
Princess - walked away

I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but just to get the rattling thoughts out of my head.

I never know if you read or when you read if you do. In case this is one of those times - I love you!

Sunday, November 01, 2009

I Wish

Things as usual, are a mess!

I wonder at times, why life works the way it does. I just don't get it how sometimes things can just flow so smoothly and then 'BAM' right when you least expect it, you're on your ass looking around for what went wrong. In this particular case, I know what went wrong and I'll not get in to that here or now. I will ride it out and for once not use this as a mental dumping ground.

Instead I will do this - I WISH


You know, I started this post to list things I wished for in and around my life. Where things weren't working, how things were making feel and how I wish they were different. I was wanting to list things to show how I feel unappreciated and not understood, now not so much. I list one thing - the brave fight of a most amazing, courageous and beautiful woman and everything else pales in comparison.

All the things I'm feeling are just so unimportant now. I will deal with my life and the way I feel right now, at another time. I will continue on how I am - quiet and alone with my thoughts. Talk is cheap. Screaming and storming off in a fit of whatever, even more so. The quiet continues, the hurts fester, but life goes on.

I leave you with a beautiful song - Rascal Flatts



"My Wish"

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

Friday, October 30, 2009

On The Wings of An Angel

Velda and Berto



The group after shot. See, we're all still smiling!


The locations of each tattoo



My foot 1 week after







Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Yuck Eye

I'm home from work today with a guck eye! I've had this developing eye thing for a couple days. Woke up this morning to the realization to what it may feel like to be one eyed. Cyclops-like. OMG, gross gross gross. I really think it's a sty gone awry.

This comes right on the heels of me feeling blah. I'm not sure what's going on in my head these last couple days, but I don't feel like myself. It's nasty.

I called in sick (sorry Pam, really I am), but I think as much as working would have been difficult with yuck eye, I needed a mental health day.

Plans for the day and this is all.... take down my fall/halloween decorations - Don't ask! I will do nothing more than sit on the couch, watch television and read a book. This evening I will be engrossed in Yankee ball.

I have lots of news to share - Queenie news. Tattoo news. Gift from Cathey news. I just don't have the energy right now, but I will get back to it eventually. It's all good and exciting news..... I can't wait to get it all together and share with you. I love it, really love it!

Big hugs until next time!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Tired Tattoo Today

Another one of those days that I have to step back from and see things as beautiful and a gift, not hard and emotional and a mental struggle.

I'm running on very little sleep this week and that could very well be a major contributor to my exhaustion. It's not so much a physical exhaustion, but mental. I think that is even worse.

GOOD
I had the honour of accompanying Velda to her radiation appointment this morning. It was something else. I'm telling you Velda has to be the single most amazing person I've ever known. I'm not just saying that! Here we are today going to her radiation treatment and you'd think we were going out for a night on the town. We talked. We laughed. We ranted (me). We were just together. What is better than that? Absolutely nothing!

BAD
That Cancer Centre is something else. It really was so very tough for me. (Velda, I don't like that you read this blog sometimes). I kept looking at the people, but didn't really want to see them, not in the sense that I didn't want to see them as people. I didn't want to see them in the regards to being cancer patients. This cancer fucking sucks! I hate it! I hate it! I'm sick of it! I'm not living it like Velda, but I'm watching and I've never in my entire life felt as helpless as I do right now. I thought my divorce was the most difficult thing I would ever have to live through at the time, and looking back, that was like a walk in the park now.

I hate that I feel like I do. I have this ridiculous feeling of being selfish. In no way is this battle of Velda's my battle, and it's not at all about me. I don't want to come off as an, 'oh poor me', but I'm just at a loss right now what to do for Velda and then my own fears on top of that - I'm a fucking mess.

GOOD
Velda and I went for her blood work this morning and then hit up the Golden Arches for some deep fried fat ass grease. It was out of this world amazing! Great food with a great woman!

BAD
Off I head to pick up Queenie at her grandparent's, where she spent the night since both Cute Boy and I were unavailable to pick her up from work. That was an interesting experience. I've always had a good relationship with my ex-in-laws. Today, I'm not so sure how to read the relationship. There are troubles in my life with Princess and I'm doing what I can to emotionally survive that nightmare situation. The problem right now with the in-laws and the Princess and me, is that they've been fed half truths, as far as I can tell. I'm not going to go out of my way to correct said lies. I don't feel at this point in the game (no game, but my life), that I should have to defend my actions, and that actions weren't even mine. The words of a liar are what they are and I will not justify them with a preemptive action. I would think my own track record as a parent, mistakes and all, would speak for itself.

GOOD
Today, as you know, was Tattoo Day! OMG what a time that was! We were booked for 5 tattoos over 5 hours. Total time was about 2.5 hours, I think. I'm now the proud owner of a beautiful purple coloured angel wing on the top of my right foot. It is amazing and means the world to me to have this FOREVER connection to Velda, her daughter, and both of mine. Pics coming soon - sorry for the delay.

BAD
This situation I have with Princess right now is getting to the point of no return and I can see the signs on the wall. It is going to get ugly. It breaks my heart that I'm faced with the thought of my daughter in the way I am right now. It's not what I would have ever expected. I wonder why I'm surprised by things that happen around me. I asked Cute Boy today, "Am I the cancer in these situations, these relationship issues? Really, is it me, please be honest?"

I feel like I'm a season pass holder of the roller coaster emotions of life. I will be glad to put this week behind me, although I don't think the upcoming week will be any better, sadly. I am tired. I am sad. I am lost. I am scared. I am hurting. I am disappointed. I am drained.

This blog is taking a nasty turn and I'm sorry for that. I just don't have much going on that is peaceful and easy. Life is in a phase that is challenging and heavy and then in turn so is the blog.

Hang in there. The 'me' you know and love will find it's way back! I promise.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Blessed Am I

Today has been quite the day, I'm telling you.

I had my final appointment with regards to my relationship issues. I can not tell you the difference I feel about things. It is so refreshing to have an unbiased opinion to hear me out and help me figure out why I may feel the way I do or why I'm affected by certain things and not others.

My life has been hectic lately as you can well imagine. Cute Boy and I have had barely more than a minute together this week. I've worked 2 shifts at my part time job and full time at my full time job. Factor in Cute Boy's hours and that makes for a very long week. He and I were able to talk to each other a bit today. There are things swirling around our house and life that I've not discussed here, nor will I until I'm certain one way or the other in regards to what may or may not happen.

This talk that he and I had was amazing. The comfort and understanding I'm getting from him right now is worth so much more than money or fine diamonds. It is as though in the last few months we have come to a point in our relationship that I can just 'be' with him. It is wonderful. If I were facing the things that I am and didn't feel or know that I have him in my corner, I'd be lost. I truly am blessed for his love, support and understanding.

In my appointment today, of course, I talked about my relationship and the support given to me as I'm dealing with Velda's illness, my own fears and concerns. I feel so selfish when I say I don't know how I'm going to deal with my life if/when something happens to her. She is such a rock in my world. I've said it before I don't mind saying it again. She is my safe place. Never to be judged, just loved and appreciated for who I am and what I bring to our relationship. I truly am again, a blessed woman!

When my appointment was over (my last relationship issue appointment), my counselor looked at me and said, "I'm concerned about you and I'm going to refile your paperwork so you can come back and deal with your feelings about Velda". I'm so grateful. I really like this woman, not just because she has offered me an opportunity to come back, but because she's hard, but soft. She is thoughtful, but makes me think for myself. She is just what I need when I need it. I said as much to her. I stated that this would be my last relationship appointment and now mine and Cute Boy's relationship is better than ever, that I spend 45 minutes talking about Velda, my heartache and worry. My counselor responded, "Maybe you were in that place in your relationship to get to the point where you are able to deal with new challenge in your life". I love that reasoning. Not that I want to have to be dealing with Velda being sick, but that my counselor sees a connection in things and that life is all connected to one event leading to another. I laughed out loud at her and said Velda is going to love that when I tell her! She did too! I couldn't imagine if my relationship were a mess and I was still dealing with my fears.

I am blessed beyond words. It is funny because I'm able to see that not all things are perfect in my life, but I can still find happiness. Now, to deal with the issues I've yet to speak of. I'm hopeful, but realistic in my expectations. Only time will tell.

Thank you for always being here for me and commenting when you can. It means the world to me. If it weren't for being able to post at work, I'd never be on. I apologize to those who have seen my number of comments drop. I'm still thinking of you!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Interesting Thought

"Your horoscope for October 21, 2009

You have strong humanitarian instincts, Tammy . You think of your fellow man more often than most. This, combined with your intuition and empathy, makes you ideally suited for the healing professions. If you have been feeling a bit disgruntled at work lately, it may be that you are in the wrong career. Consider training to be a counselor or therapist of some sort. You would be extraordinarily good at it, and could help a lot of people."

This is really interesting. Today of all days, for this to hit my in-box. A counsellor for abused children is what I wanted to do for a living. I got lost in my class selection when I was in college and took the Child and Youth Care worker. I dropped out after 2 months (long ugly story), but it wouldn't have pleased me at all in doing what I wanted to do.

I wanted to be the person that was the first contact with a child taken from an abusive situation. It just never worked out that way for me careeer wise. I don't know, now that I've grown, whether or not I would have been good at this type of job or not. I absorb too much pain of others and I think mentally and emotionally it would have been my personal undoing.

Still neat though.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

It's The Small Things

My entry of today still sticks. I'm reeling. By all outward appearances you'd never know anything was bothering me. Inside, I'm a mess, although I can not, will not, be defined by the things that happen around me and things I can not control.

I realized today that I'm surrounded by such sweet goodness and I am truly blessed. I am blessed with the love of a man I absolutely adore and who, at times I don't give the credit he deserves. The way I deal with my hurts, is to shut down. Normally I'm just left to the quiet roar of my thoughts. Today was different. Today showed me sweet understanding, compassion and support.

I am strong. I have no choice. My life hasn't always been an easy one, so I've been forced to grow up faster than I would want for my own children, but I'm thankful for my past, for my life experiences. It is what makes me who I am today. What I learned today is I don't have to be strong alone. I have someone that will be here for me when I am in real need. I am still strong and I could get through whatever life throws at me and leaning on another person doesn't make me weak. It makes me honest. It makes me vulnerable. That is a scary thing, although I know I'm in a safe place. A place that is good for me.

In the face of all my deepest fears, I want to be able to deal with how scared I am and still find the wonder in the small things. Things that would normally be overlooked as insignificant should be noticed. Fears need to be faced. Joys need to be appreciated and acknowledged.

My heart may be battered and bruised, but I am not broken. This too shall pass and I shall see the wonder through the struggle.

Thank you, Cute Boy. You are amazing. You are incredible. You are my sweet wonderful love. You bless my life in a way I never expected. Life isn't always easy, but you (we) are worth every challenge and struggle. I am so thankful for you in my life. In your hands is my heart.

Expect Nothing Less Than The Worst

On top of everything else I've got going on in my life, I'm about to face another life changing event.

I'm at the end of my rope - literally done.

I can no longer take another minute of this hell that is my life. Those around me are just more than I can deal with at the moment.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of being dragged in the mud. I"m not a bad person. I make mistakes. I'm not perfect. I just want the decency and respect to live my life without the pressure and demands, of do what I want/say and all will be good.

Read what you will in this, all that read this blog, commenters and lurkers alike (you know who you are). I'm tired and going through hell, so just keep heaping it on. I can take it. Well, you know what? I can't take anymore! I'm done. Threaten, hurt and walk away all you like. I can't tell you anymore - I'm not bowing to demands anymore. Think what you will of me. This is my life and I'm allowed to live it, mistakes, feelings and shortcomings. They are mine. Love and support me if you will and if you don't I will not break.

All I want is to be happy. Is that too much to ask? Happy in the way that is mine, not what conforms to your life needs, but my own. Don't tell me how I feel or how I should be acting. I'm doing the best I can and if my best isn't good enough - I'm sorry.

Being an adult and living with the mistakes you've made is a bitch. I'm tired of being held to a level of nothing is good enough, short of doing what is wanted by others. My own happiness, as much as those few think my happiness is fake. It is real! Read what you will in the little day to day dealings and your issues with my life. I am happy! I'm not saying this in a way to convince anyone of anything. It is a simple fact. You don't know my heart! Don't think you know what is best for me. What is best for me is what makes you happy and to hell with me? Is that it? Life isn't perfect and that is okay. What I once thought was perfect and great, but was just smoke and mirrors. I live a real life. A rewarding life. A good life. I don't need to justify my decisions to you. I will not!

Why do I bother anymore? Really? The sense of failure and lack of respect is my blanket at night. It is my alarm clock in the morning. It is the meals I eat (or don't eat). It is the face that stares back at me daily. Thank you so very much for understanding my life and my desires! No seriously, thank you!


Monday, October 19, 2009

Tough Talk Time

The start of another week and I'm already tired.

I have a busy week ahead of me, but that gives me no excuse for slowing down. It just really pushes me all the more to get done what needs to get done.

I was up early this morning and showered ready to start the day.

I went to visit with Velda for a bit this morning. It was a tough, but good visit. There were tears. Of course there were tears. There were some difficult topics, of course there was. We talked about a lot of things and laughed a wee bit too! It felt good to be in the fold of Velda's friendship without the barriers of Internet or telephone!

Velda has asked for my assistance in doing something. It's not something I'm comfortable divulging until she does, if she does, on her own blog. I'm honoured to be requested to help with such a task, although I know it is going to be emotionally hard as hell. I will do this for her. I will do anything for her!

4 days until Tattoo time!!!!!!