Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I'm home from work today with a guck eye! I've had this developing eye thing for a couple days. Woke up this morning to the realization to what it may feel like to be one eyed. Cyclops-like. OMG, gross gross gross. I really think it's a sty gone awry.
This comes right on the heels of me feeling blah. I'm not sure what's going on in my head these last couple days, but I don't feel like myself. It's nasty.
I called in sick (sorry Pam, really I am), but I think as much as working would have been difficult with yuck eye, I needed a mental health day.
Plans for the day and this is all.... take down my fall/halloween decorations - Don't ask! I will do nothing more than sit on the couch, watch television and read a book. This evening I will be engrossed in Yankee ball.
I have lots of news to share - Queenie news. Tattoo news. Gift from Cathey news. I just don't have the energy right now, but I will get back to it eventually. It's all good and exciting news..... I can't wait to get it all together and share with you. I love it, really love it!
Big hugs until next time!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Another one of those days that I have to step back from and see things as beautiful and a gift, not hard and emotional and a mental struggle.
I'm running on very little sleep this week and that could very well be a major contributor to my exhaustion. It's not so much a physical exhaustion, but mental. I think that is even worse.
I had the honour of accompanying Velda to her radiation appointment this morning. It was something else. I'm telling you Velda has to be the single most amazing person I've ever known. I'm not just saying that! Here we are today going to her radiation treatment and you'd think we were going out for a night on the town. We talked. We laughed. We ranted (me). We were just together. What is better than that? Absolutely nothing!
That Cancer Centre is something else. It really was so very tough for me. (Velda, I don't like that you read this blog sometimes). I kept looking at the people, but didn't really want to see them, not in the sense that I didn't want to see them as people. I didn't want to see them in the regards to being cancer patients. This cancer fucking sucks! I hate it! I hate it! I'm sick of it! I'm not living it like Velda, but I'm watching and I've never in my entire life felt as helpless as I do right now. I thought my divorce was the most difficult thing I would ever have to live through at the time, and looking back, that was like a walk in the park now.
I hate that I feel like I do. I have this ridiculous feeling of being selfish. In no way is this battle of Velda's my battle, and it's not at all about me. I don't want to come off as an, 'oh poor me', but I'm just at a loss right now what to do for Velda and then my own fears on top of that - I'm a fucking mess.
Velda and I went for her blood work this morning and then hit up the Golden Arches for some deep fried fat ass grease. It was out of this world amazing! Great food with a great woman!
Off I head to pick up Queenie at her grandparent's, where she spent the night since both Cute Boy and I were unavailable to pick her up from work. That was an interesting experience. I've always had a good relationship with my ex-in-laws. Today, I'm not so sure how to read the relationship. There are troubles in my life with Princess and I'm doing what I can to emotionally survive that nightmare situation. The problem right now with the in-laws and the Princess and me, is that they've been fed half truths, as far as I can tell. I'm not going to go out of my way to correct said lies. I don't feel at this point in the game (no game, but my life), that I should have to defend my actions, and that actions weren't even mine. The words of a liar are what they are and I will not justify them with a preemptive action. I would think my own track record as a parent, mistakes and all, would speak for itself.
Today, as you know, was Tattoo Day! OMG what a time that was! We were booked for 5 tattoos over 5 hours. Total time was about 2.5 hours, I think. I'm now the proud owner of a beautiful purple coloured angel wing on the top of my right foot. It is amazing and means the world to me to have this FOREVER connection to Velda, her daughter, and both of mine. Pics coming soon - sorry for the delay.
This situation I have with Princess right now is getting to the point of no return and I can see the signs on the wall. It is going to get ugly. It breaks my heart that I'm faced with the thought of my daughter in the way I am right now. It's not what I would have ever expected. I wonder why I'm surprised by things that happen around me. I asked Cute Boy today, "Am I the cancer in these situations, these relationship issues? Really, is it me, please be honest?"
I feel like I'm a season pass holder of the roller coaster emotions of life. I will be glad to put this week behind me, although I don't think the upcoming week will be any better, sadly. I am tired. I am sad. I am lost. I am scared. I am hurting. I am disappointed. I am drained.
This blog is taking a nasty turn and I'm sorry for that. I just don't have much going on that is peaceful and easy. Life is in a phase that is challenging and heavy and then in turn so is the blog.
Hang in there. The 'me' you know and love will find it's way back! I promise.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Today has been quite the day, I'm telling you.
I had my final appointment with regards to my relationship issues. I can not tell you the difference I feel about things. It is so refreshing to have an unbiased opinion to hear me out and help me figure out why I may feel the way I do or why I'm affected by certain things and not others.
My life has been hectic lately as you can well imagine. Cute Boy and I have had barely more than a minute together this week. I've worked 2 shifts at my part time job and full time at my full time job. Factor in Cute Boy's hours and that makes for a very long week. He and I were able to talk to each other a bit today. There are things swirling around our house and life that I've not discussed here, nor will I until I'm certain one way or the other in regards to what may or may not happen.
This talk that he and I had was amazing. The comfort and understanding I'm getting from him right now is worth so much more than money or fine diamonds. It is as though in the last few months we have come to a point in our relationship that I can just 'be' with him. It is wonderful. If I were facing the things that I am and didn't feel or know that I have him in my corner, I'd be lost. I truly am blessed for his love, support and understanding.
In my appointment today, of course, I talked about my relationship and the support given to me as I'm dealing with Velda's illness, my own fears and concerns. I feel so selfish when I say I don't know how I'm going to deal with my life if/when something happens to her. She is such a rock in my world. I've said it before I don't mind saying it again. She is my safe place. Never to be judged, just loved and appreciated for who I am and what I bring to our relationship. I truly am again, a blessed woman!
When my appointment was over (my last relationship issue appointment), my counselor looked at me and said, "I'm concerned about you and I'm going to refile your paperwork so you can come back and deal with your feelings about Velda". I'm so grateful. I really like this woman, not just because she has offered me an opportunity to come back, but because she's hard, but soft. She is thoughtful, but makes me think for myself. She is just what I need when I need it. I said as much to her. I stated that this would be my last relationship appointment and now mine and Cute Boy's relationship is better than ever, that I spend 45 minutes talking about Velda, my heartache and worry. My counselor responded, "Maybe you were in that place in your relationship to get to the point where you are able to deal with new challenge in your life". I love that reasoning. Not that I want to have to be dealing with Velda being sick, but that my counselor sees a connection in things and that life is all connected to one event leading to another. I laughed out loud at her and said Velda is going to love that when I tell her! She did too! I couldn't imagine if my relationship were a mess and I was still dealing with my fears.
I am blessed beyond words. It is funny because I'm able to see that not all things are perfect in my life, but I can still find happiness. Now, to deal with the issues I've yet to speak of. I'm hopeful, but realistic in my expectations. Only time will tell.
Thank you for always being here for me and commenting when you can. It means the world to me. If it weren't for being able to post at work, I'd never be on. I apologize to those who have seen my number of comments drop. I'm still thinking of you!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
"Your horoscope for October 21, 2009
You have strong humanitarian instincts, Tammy . You think of your fellow man more often than most. This, combined with your intuition and empathy, makes you ideally suited for the healing professions. If you have been feeling a bit disgruntled at work lately, it may be that you are in the wrong career. Consider training to be a counselor or therapist of some sort. You would be extraordinarily good at it, and could help a lot of people."
This is really interesting. Today of all days, for this to hit my in-box. A counsellor for abused children is what I wanted to do for a living. I got lost in my class selection when I was in college and took the Child and Youth Care worker. I dropped out after 2 months (long ugly story), but it wouldn't have pleased me at all in doing what I wanted to do.
I wanted to be the person that was the first contact with a child taken from an abusive situation. It just never worked out that way for me careeer wise. I don't know, now that I've grown, whether or not I would have been good at this type of job or not. I absorb too much pain of others and I think mentally and emotionally it would have been my personal undoing.
Still neat though.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
My entry of today still sticks. I'm reeling. By all outward appearances you'd never know anything was bothering me. Inside, I'm a mess, although I can not, will not, be defined by the things that happen around me and things I can not control.
I realized today that I'm surrounded by such sweet goodness and I am truly blessed. I am blessed with the love of a man I absolutely adore and who, at times I don't give the credit he deserves. The way I deal with my hurts, is to shut down. Normally I'm just left to the quiet roar of my thoughts. Today was different. Today showed me sweet understanding, compassion and support.
I am strong. I have no choice. My life hasn't always been an easy one, so I've been forced to grow up faster than I would want for my own children, but I'm thankful for my past, for my life experiences. It is what makes me who I am today. What I learned today is I don't have to be strong alone. I have someone that will be here for me when I am in real need. I am still strong and I could get through whatever life throws at me and leaning on another person doesn't make me weak. It makes me honest. It makes me vulnerable. That is a scary thing, although I know I'm in a safe place. A place that is good for me.
In the face of all my deepest fears, I want to be able to deal with how scared I am and still find the wonder in the small things. Things that would normally be overlooked as insignificant should be noticed. Fears need to be faced. Joys need to be appreciated and acknowledged.
My heart may be battered and bruised, but I am not broken. This too shall pass and I shall see the wonder through the struggle.
Thank you, Cute Boy. You are amazing. You are incredible. You are my sweet wonderful love. You bless my life in a way I never expected. Life isn't always easy, but you (we) are worth every challenge and struggle. I am so thankful for you in my life. In your hands is my heart.
On top of everything else I've got going on in my life, I'm about to face another life changing event.
I'm at the end of my rope - literally done.
I can no longer take another minute of this hell that is my life. Those around me are just more than I can deal with at the moment.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of being dragged in the mud. I"m not a bad person. I make mistakes. I'm not perfect. I just want the decency and respect to live my life without the pressure and demands, of do what I want/say and all will be good.
Read what you will in this, all that read this blog, commenters and lurkers alike (you know who you are). I'm tired and going through hell, so just keep heaping it on. I can take it. Well, you know what? I can't take anymore! I'm done. Threaten, hurt and walk away all you like. I can't tell you anymore - I'm not bowing to demands anymore. Think what you will of me. This is my life and I'm allowed to live it, mistakes, feelings and shortcomings. They are mine. Love and support me if you will and if you don't I will not break.
All I want is to be happy. Is that too much to ask? Happy in the way that is mine, not what conforms to your life needs, but my own. Don't tell me how I feel or how I should be acting. I'm doing the best I can and if my best isn't good enough - I'm sorry.
Being an adult and living with the mistakes you've made is a bitch. I'm tired of being held to a level of nothing is good enough, short of doing what is wanted by others. My own happiness, as much as those few think my happiness is fake. It is real! Read what you will in the little day to day dealings and your issues with my life. I am happy! I'm not saying this in a way to convince anyone of anything. It is a simple fact. You don't know my heart! Don't think you know what is best for me. What is best for me is what makes you happy and to hell with me? Is that it? Life isn't perfect and that is okay. What I once thought was perfect and great, but was just smoke and mirrors. I live a real life. A rewarding life. A good life. I don't need to justify my decisions to you. I will not!
Why do I bother anymore? Really? The sense of failure and lack of respect is my blanket at night. It is my alarm clock in the morning. It is the meals I eat (or don't eat). It is the face that stares back at me daily. Thank you so very much for understanding my life and my desires! No seriously, thank you!
Monday, October 19, 2009
The start of another week and I'm already tired.
I have a busy week ahead of me, but that gives me no excuse for slowing down. It just really pushes me all the more to get done what needs to get done.
I was up early this morning and showered ready to start the day.
I went to visit with Velda for a bit this morning. It was a tough, but good visit. There were tears. Of course there were tears. There were some difficult topics, of course there was. We talked about a lot of things and laughed a wee bit too! It felt good to be in the fold of Velda's friendship without the barriers of Internet or telephone!
Velda has asked for my assistance in doing something. It's not something I'm comfortable divulging until she does, if she does, on her own blog. I'm honoured to be requested to help with such a task, although I know it is going to be emotionally hard as hell. I will do this for her. I will do anything for her!
4 days until Tattoo time!!!!!!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I took my little picture to my tattoo guy yesterday! I talked with him a bit about the reason, the why and all of that. He has proposed some changes to the design because of the size requirements and location.
We have an appointment booked, 5 of us, for Friday Oct 23rd.
In answer to the questions from my previous post.
- I don't find that tattoos hurt
- I did find the picture on line
- Cathey, I did receive your package the other day. I'm working towards getting a picture and a formal thank you posted here.
I think that's all I have the energy to do for now.
Love and hugs all around!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Why do we do things we do?
Why do things happen they way they do?
Why do I need to tell you what I need?
Why do you not just see it?
Why can't you just know that I need something?
Why do I have to fight for understanding and comfort?
Why can I just not deal the way I deal?
Why is it that some people can step up to the plate and other leave you in need?
Why do I have to suffer the silence?
Why do I have to deal with childish behaviour?
Why do good people suffer?
There is no good answer to any of my questions, and believe me this is just a small sampling of what it rolling around in my head. There is no need to try and answer my questions. I just need to get them out of my head and process. It shouldn't be here that I do my processing, but life being what it is - here I am!
Posted by Tammy Smart at 10:53 AM
Thursday, October 08, 2009
All my pink and angel goodies
The most rockin'-est team ever!
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
I'm still here. I'm just not taking the time to post. I don't have much to say. There is too many other demands on my time and heart. The blog will suffer and for that, I'm sorry.
Please be patient with me. I will be here when I can. I'm happy to finally see my followers number climb and I'll be sad to see if/when I lose one of you.