Last night I received the sweetest call.
I picked up my cel phone to this little voice singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" My little Prince of grandson and his momma were singing to me. Was I moved to tears? You bet I was! Sweetest phone call ever!
I have not blogged in a dog's age. To the point of why bother anymore?
Most of my computer time is spent on a wedding board and mindless clicking game links on Facebook. I don't do much blog related activity at home, never have and the work computer parameters have changed so much that I can read blogs, but can't access my own blog from work.
Even as I start this, I wonder who out there is interested in what I have to say anyway, so has the blogging world really lost much when I've not been blogging? I think the answer that best applies, would be: NO!
Never one to give up or in easily, I'm still here. My fingers continue to type.
Live, since I've last been here, has been hectic to say the least.
It has taken me quite some time to get pics up of the love of my life. Welcome to the world, my little prince, born Feb 8th, 7lbs 11oz! He shares his birthday with his Auntie Queenie (my oldest daughter).
Princess handled the rigors of labour with class and dignity.
This situation didn't start in a very positive way, but now I couldn't imagine my world without this most handsome little guy in it. He is the apple of his grandma's eye.
I am smart and a wonderful woman. Those were the words uttered by my doctor this morning.
I had an appointment today to discuss my emotional and mental struggles with all the things surrounding my daughter and her pregnancy. It was a very good appointment. I've learned a lot about myself, my strengths, weaknesses and coping skills. This situation is not something I would ever wish on another parent, but from all things come a learning lesson. Mine would be that I may crack and a may crumble, but I will not break. I am much more equipped to deal with things than I thought I was. I'm stronger than I've ever really given myself credit.
It is not without the help of others though that I can say that I am who I am. The list is long, the instances many when I was given support and strength from others. Not all that have helped me read my blog and for that, I am sad. I have done my best to thank them and to let them know how much their generosity, love and friendship have meant to me while I struggled.
A very important thing I learned is that this baby is coming. It's not as though I didn't know it, but I've worked towards accepting that fact that this little guy is coming. Regardless of his parent's life choices and how his little life began, he is coming. He is going to be loved, cherished and adored. These are things I know. No matter my feelings about this pregnancy leading up to his birth, I know myself well enough to know I'm going to fall in love with him as soon as I lay eyes on him. My fear for his future is now being replaced with thoughts of his little fingers, his tiny toes, his little face and those first wondrous moments and all the joy a little baby brings.
This journey isn't just mine. It will be my daughter's and that of my little grandson, but this right now is about me and how I'm coping. I've come a long way. I'm not to the point that I'm excited. I'm still scared. Scared to death really, but I'm starting to work my way around to being more happy than apprehensive. Is it wrong to feel happy about something that I was so torn up about only 4 months ago, if even that long? The battle in my head is a struggle.
A baby is on his way in the next couple months. That is huge! Holy cow!
My life is really coming around to a place that I am so content with and I will post more on that in the next couple days.
Life is no less crazy 2 weeks later. Thank you for the kind works and support. They are greatly appreciated.
The crazy really isn't much to do with Princess (pregnant daughter), not in a day to day sense, but figuring it all out in my head. I don't see her much. She doesn't see anyone else much either. She is all about the father of the baby and working. I know she is extremely stressed out. Who wouldn't be? 17 years old. Pregnant. No longer in school and supporting yourself, your boyfriend and your boyfriend's child (4 years old) from a previous relationship. I'm 41 years old and that situation would stress me out!
Outside of the pregnancy situation, life is good. Cute Boy and I are in an awesome place. I couldn't be happier with respect to my personal life.
I have been hitting the gym again - finally! My weight isn't going down. It is holding steady and I'm okay with that for now. I've finally realized this isn't a race. It is about living, learning and doing what I can from day to day. If the gym isn't my #1 priority that's okay.
I hope is well with those that are ready. I'm doing my level best to get back to blogging, reading others and commenting.
Take care!
I've been away for quite some time, and to be completely honest I'm not sure how much more I will be back. I think about blogging A LOT, but I just don't know what to say. How to say and how much to say.
I've had a lot going on in the last year and in August, I hit my breaking point. I find, there are times that I just get so mired in thoughts of 'whoa is me', that I just step back so as not to be a constant downer to those around me. That is where the 'Tammy Turtle' comes from. I go within and I shut down. It's not a healthy thing, really, but it's what I do.
I had been off work from mid-August until just this past week. I've been under the care of my family doctor and now a counsellor. It has been one the most difficult things that has crossed my path. I would take the heartache and questions of my separation/divorce, 10 times over rather than feel like I've felt in the last couple months.
My 16 year old daughter (now 17) will birth my first grandchild at the beginning of February. It has taken me a while to build up the courage to put that out there. Those that have me on their facebook, please do not mention this there. Out of respect for my daughter and my in-laws, I do not mention my struggles in that forum. As much as my blog is a public Internet (all can read it), this is 'my' place. I just feels different.
I have cried more tears about this situation with my daughter than I would have ever thought possible. This pregnancy and my issues with it, are not just about her age, but the age and history of the father, who is still around. I find that he is still around somewhat surprising.
I'm not putting this next bit of information out there to spark debate or to bring a backlash of my situation. Please keep in mind when you read this, that my world and my daughter's world will forever change from the moment of her realization of pregnancy. I talked (or screamed), depending on how you look at it, about my daughter aborting this pregnancy or putting it up for adoption. I didn't think I believed in abortion and I'm still not sure how I feel about that.
The baby is being birthed by my daughter and I am now working through the process of feeling as though abortion or adoption as an option for my first grandchild, which is a boy, by the way, was something that went through my mind. The situation, being what it is, I feel robbed of that excitement and joy of being happy for the day when I am going to be a grandmother. I don't want to get in to why, other than age, as to why these options where what I thought was best for this unborn child and my daughter. It's not my story to tell and I can't trust myself and my feelings to think I will tell the story without putting my own personal views and feelings to it.
So, in light of that world-rocking-news, my world crashed around me. I was off work for almost 3 months. I'm on anti-depressants. My relationship with both of my daughter's has changed and now viewed in a more contentious and cautious light. I am guarded and scared about my daughter's future, not to mention that of my unborn grandchild. Right now, I take life one day at a time and try to find the good from day to day and work through getting inside my head with the fear of the unknown.
On that note, I think I've unburdened enough. Thanks to those that are still reading and commenting.
There are some things that are brewing around my family again. As some of you may remember, my oldest daughter moved back to Cobourg just before Christmas. Things went well for her for a while and now things are getting out of control for her again.
She has been accepted to the local college here in town. She accepted and then started to waiver in her decision. I think she's scared of being in a structured learning environment again, that and a few other things that are freaking her out. Only 2 weeks ago she wasn't going to school. Fast forward to this morning, she may be moving home in the next couple days and going to school as planned. The program will remain the same, but the end result of the education may very well take her in a direction different from what she originally planned.
This girl of mine is so full of life, but very much in search of something. I have no idea what it is she's looking for, nor does she and this search finds her restless and always on the move. It is a major concern for me when I see her struggling with finding her niche and feeling like she is moving towards a place that is going to find her where she's comfortable. I can't count the number of plans she's told me about and my response to her is always the same, 'Okay, let me know'. It has become something of joke between us now. I don't know what to do for her other than listen and to let her know I'm always her for her no matter the need.
There was a conversation this morning that has Queenie discussing moving home. As I'm composing this entry the cel phone dings a new message reading, "What day works for you this week?' That is what has been going on in my life today.
There are changes underway and when they are firm, as firm as they can be, I'll let you know.
If you count the fact that I'm busting out of my pants, it was a great success.
Saturday evening after Princess got off work and cleaned up we headed to Cornwall to spend the Easter holiday with Cute Boy's family.
I am telling you, this woman, bless her heart, missed her calling in not being a certified chef. I've never seen a woman cook so often and for so many people without so much as a moment's concern about getting it all done. Crazy, I tell ya. She was non stop in the kitchen and never once asked for help, oh one time, for Cute Boy to take the mashed potatoes from the stove to the crock pot to keep them warm.
Cute Boy's family is from Newfoundland, something that I love about him more and more every day. I don't find Cute Boy has much of an accent anymore, UNTIL he is with his family and there is a more obvious lilt to the end of his words. It is the cutest thing ever. I love it.
The dinner put on for us was a traditional Newfoundland fare - Jiggs Dinner. Well, I'm telling you the, this would be where my busting pants came in to play. This meal is very sodium dense it's not to be believed, but a better compilation of flavour and foods, I've never tasted. I could marinate myself in the salt beef and the turnip. My word! After this amazing meal, came the dessert, and I am so proud of myself I only had one plate, so I could really enjoy the dessert. I've been known to have 2 plates most visits, but I had seen the desert in the basement fridge, and I'm no dummy! I saved room for dessert. Dessert was homemade, melt in your mouth, strawberry cheesecake. Cute Boy's sister has found a new way to blend the ingredients in the cheesecake to make it creamier, oh the memory of it. It still makes me smile, at the thoughts of how smooth and delicious it tasted.
You would think that was the only thing going on. It wasn't. There was the wonderful time spent with Princess. That was awesome! There was the expected drama and moodiness from Cute Boy's youngest and the excuses about life's hardships from his oldest. Such a product of the mother. Great kids but a great worry for both Cute Boy and myself right now. I will not slam his kids or throw them under the bus with their decisions or chosen path,not in this forum, as much as I'm frustrated as hell right now, my only concern is that they get through this time in their life unscathed and to see that Cute Boy is okay and handles things for himself in a way that doesn't push him over the edge. That isn't normally his way, but I do worry about him A LOT and this situation is going to get much uglier before it gets anywhere near to better, if it ever does. So very sad! I know I'm going off topic of our Easter celebration, but not really since the situation with the girls was pretty much front and centre, it was different when it was my girls going through things. I was able to be in somewhat control of my situation and now to have just offer support for Cute Boy and watch him worry and hurt, it's hard. I would rather it be me than him. Not for my girls to be in a difficult spot, just me being the primary parent and carrying the majority of the worry.
All in all Easter weekend was awesome. I am now off to do a little weight training downstairs and to guzzle back more water to try and flush my body of the wonders of a Jiggs dinner. Oh so very worth it!
I had been doing so well and now I'm just sitting here a mental and emotional mess. Some of you may be aware of some of my situations with regards to my personal life and some not so much. I'm the mother to two incredible girls, young woman really. One is 19 in just over a week and the other is 16.
Things with the girls hasn't always been easy, never more so than when their father and I split up. I don't always blame him for the wrongs that have faced us, but he has a hand in them no matter what I want to believe or say. My oldest daughter was prompted to not respect me (by him) and it worked. Our relationship took a nasty turn and I kicked her out of the house at the age of 16. I couldn't take the attitude and disrespect any longer. During that time, it was as though every time she opened her mouth it was his ignorance coming out of her mouth. I lived with the demeaning disrespectful talk when I wasn't towing the line long enough, that to hear it from the mouth of my child was more than I could bear. It has been an issue for me ever since, the kicking her out. I turned my back on my daughter in a way I despise. Our relationship has found it's way back to a place that is good -- really good. My oldest daughter still struggles through life, but is working towards a better life. I worry though. I guess I will always worry. It's what mothers (parents) do.
My youngest daughter has moved out of the house Cute Boy and I share. Cute Boy and Princess (youngest daughter) never connected. I take responsibility for some of it, but not all of it. They are just so different and I'm stuck in the middle. Princess moved out the end of October. Since then she has been struggling with staying different places and feeling as though she is an imposition to those that she is, or was staying with.
Just this last week, she got her own bachelorette apartment. I know in the beginning she was excited, but now the shine has worn off and already the loneliness has set it. I've had a few text messages from her and it is evident that she is sad and lonely. I hate it so much that she feels that she can't live here with me and Cute Boy. Not really me, but with him; that she feels she's not comfortable. It breaks my heart to hear the drop in her voice, even the tone of her texts are sad. I don't talk to her about moving home, nor will I. I lived through that with Queenie (oldest daughter) and I was broken hearted every time she said no. Princess always has a home with us, but she chooses this path and I, as her mother, as much as I don't like it, can't do much to change it. So, nothing is what I do. Feels great - read very sarcastically!
I sit back and I watch and do what I can to help when I'm able. It is never enough. I feel like a failure in not being a better parent. I'm not looking for sympathy or platitudes, please understand that. This is just so difficult to think of my daughters out there in the world on their own, before they are ready. It is like they are playing dress up and sometimes, like now, I just want to scream and cry and shut out the hurt that is rolling around in my head and heart.
I guess the distraction of training for a half marathon and trying to get back to the things I like to do to pass my time, is only going to stop the thoughts and hurt for a short time. It's like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. It will not fix the problem. That much is becoming glaringly evident.
Dragging my ass to bed to put what was an otherwise good day, behind me. I hope I wake up with a better outlook than the one I'm saying good night with, because already, this Debbie-downer attitude is pissing me off! I wish I could snap my fingers and my girls would be grown and I would know that things turned out alright for them and all this stuff they are dealing with now didn't do detrimental damage to them. Oh, to live the life of a fairy tale princess.
Until next time....
I didn't want to run today. Oh, how I didn't want to run. I woke up tired this morning. I know that doesn't really make sense, but that is how I felt. Tired. I had my almond milk oats, A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!!, and my coffee after which I headed down to the treadmill. I looked at it and I didn't like what I saw. No matter. The work was scheduled, so the work out would be done.
I got down on the floor and stretched out. On to the beast I climbed. I know you'll probably be surprised when I tell you this, because I was surprised and I lived it. I had a great run! Strangely enough, probably the best run I've had yet. I pushed out 3.8K in 30 minutes. I played with the speed and I was only supposed to do 3:1's, but sometimes I did 4:1's. I'm a rebel like that. It felt amazing! I had sweat on my elbows at about 10-15 minutes in. I had it on my chest too, but at a later time in my run. I thought it was my ipod cord hitting my neck. I giggled a little when I realized it was sweat. Gross, I know, but I love to sweat when I work out! It makes me feel so hard core!
I've said it before and I since I thought it was an amazing thought then I figure it will still be amazing. This working out/running with a purpose is the best thing. It is also the best thing I could have done for myself.
Wednesday is an off day. Off day from training, but still a busy day. I am helping my youngest daughter (16 -GASP) move in to her own place. All I can say, is I'm glad that I have the distraction of training for this half marathon to take my mind off my worries about Princess. 16 years old moving in to her own bachelor apartment. Good grief!
Have a great day. Be kind to the ones you love.
Isn't it funny how some days you get up and you just feel great? That is how I feel today. I'm not sure why I feel the way I do, but I'll take it. I have a couple ideas as to what might be the reason for feeling how I do though.
I visited Velda yesterday. In all that she has been dealing with lately I'm amazed at her outlook, attitude and overall approach to life. I could never put to words what her friendship has meant to me over the years and still means to me. I question who really gets the most out of our friendship and I have to say it's me. Hands down, me. I go visit her because I think she needs me and I tell you, I need her. I'm not in an emotionally need place, but just spending time with her talking and being together is just the most precious gift. V, I know you're reading and not always commenting, so know - I love you!
Another contributing factor to my mood today is that I'm spending time with Princess tonight. It has been awfully tough with her not living at home. I miss her greatly and as much that is expected it's still tough to not see her every day. It will do my heart good to see her pretty little face tonight and to hear her beautiful laughter. There is something about that girl and her honest to goodness laughter. It is the most wonderful sound.
Cute Boy and are I just skating along and doing well. That is not to say we don't have issues. Who doesn't? We are just so better at dealing with them. When we disagree now, I just slough it off and deal with it. It is no longer the end of the world, the end of our relationship or something that sets me in to a total tailspin. That is part and parcel to the counselling and learning about how we work together and communicate. Ya us! Ya me! It doesn't hurt either that Cute Boy is just too darn cute! If I could package up his smile and keep it in my pocket I seriously would. How creepy is that?
And, last, but certainly not least and probably one of the biggest contributors to the mood and feeling I have right now. I've been 6 days on WW plan and I ran one day this week. I know one day on the treadmill is not enough and no where near what I need to be doing to get ready for a half marathon. Mentally, knowing I have a plan and I'm working towards putting it in motion (literally and figuratively) has done wonders for my mindset already. My attitude can only be attributed to feeling in control which hasn't happened for me in what seems like ages. I am the maker of my own success and failure, and right now that is the best feeling in the world!
Have a great day! Do something today that will make you feel amazing. You deserve it!
It's all over but the crying. There has been any crying yet.
Christmas Eve has been celebrated, Christmas gifts given, dinner consumed and the exodus of the loved ones.
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were wonderful. I was apprehensive about how it was all going to work out, but to be completely honest it was wonderful. It really did feel like Christmas Day while we were celebrating. To make it even more perfect it snowed such a pretty light snow. We loved it!
Princess stayed the last 2 nights at the house which was awesome. It felt great having her around the house again. I was concerned she'd feel uncomfortable, but it didn't seem to me as though she did. I hope she didn't. She was a great help in the kitchen and preparations while Queenie uploaded music to my brand spankin' new ipod, my gift from the girls. Lovin' it already!!! It has the coolest little clip rather having to fuss with those damn armband thingies. The ipod is going to come in super handy in the next couple months. More on that later!
Everyone was up early today. Princess got off to school and straightened some things out on that front. One more day and she is out of school for the holidays. Cute Boy and I were off to take Queenie back up to Cobourg. That was tough, but not as tough as I expected. I really believe it is the best place for her, so off she goes. I may notice the quiet in the next little while, but not right now. There is too much going on for me to notice. It was times when I was as busy as I am going to be in the next couple days that I always felt negligent. It will be after the rush of the holidays that I notice more that my girls are no longer living at home. I will deal with the quiet the only way I know how and that is by keeping busy and occupying my mind.
I find that my life is always a series of time consuming demands. I'm hoping to be able to slow things down some and find some time for me. Spending some quiet time with Cute Boy is high on the list too. Never far from my thoughts, but not enough time given, is to Velda. I am really looking forward to finding some time for her and I to just sit quiet and catch up with each other. Avoiding my fears and concerns is not going to make my fear and concern any easier to deal with, so now its time for the big girl panties to be donned and that's that!
I do have some things I'm working on or will be working on over the next couple months. There will not be a lot of talk about it, but it will keep me away from the computer, so as is the norm now, most of my posts will come from work which is why I'm so lacking in pretty pictures.
Until next time. Be good to yourself and take a little time for YOU today!
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas in my house. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve at house of Queenie and Princess.
Queenie is heading back to Cobourg on Thursday and with it being so close to Christmas she's not sure she is going to get home for Christmas on the 24th or 25th. So, me being me, I'm doing Christmas with all the trimmings on Tuesday Dec. 15th (Christmas Eve) and Wednesday December 16th, (Christmas Day).
It is up early, like normal. Get your stockings and open your gifts. Eat breakfast and stumble back to bed for a little nap! Cute Boy has hockey, so he'll be gone a better part of the day. While he's gone I'll be napping myself and then preparing dinner for the girls, my in-laws and him if he's home. There is a possibility that me may not be there, sadly. He has some stuff at work that may or may not interfere wit his celebrating with us.This is not my ideal way to spend the holidays, but Christmas and the Christmas spirit should be about more than just December 25th. I always say that, now is the time to live it.
Dinner will be most Queenie's and Princess' favorites. Ham, scalloped potatoes, brussel sprouts, peas, cheescake with cherry pie filling top. There will also be Cheese Crazy Lasagna Roll Ups for Princess. Cheese plates, crackers, apple pie, wine and adult beverages.
I'm extremely stressed out and overwhelmed. That's just who I am or who I'm discovering I am. I don't like it one bit. I have list upon list and lists of lists. It's insane. It will all come together. I have only a couple things I need to pick up and then it will be Christmas time in my house!
I can't wait!
When you're tired and working on less that 7 hours sleep in 2 days, you should do what you can to avoid things that are emotional and difficult. Working on less than 7 hours sleep in 2 days, is in no way smart. It is not good for you. It's especially not good for your heart or your emotional handle on things you can normal deal with in a manner of strength and not as a blubbering maniac.
I got out of work early today to do a bank thing for Cute Boy (new truck comin' - ya). That was fine. Since I was in the neighbourhood, I thought I'd check up on Princess and see if she was at work so I could pop in and see her. Her not living at home obviously limits our time together. She was shocked at that in the beginning, but has gotten used to it, or it seems anyway.
Princess has 2 jobs and I expected her to be at the job closest to where I was, but unfortunately she was at her job a bit further down the road, not far, but more of a hassle for me to get to at 5pm. Traffic joys? You wanna bet. I communicated via text messaging that I would pop by the close job, but not deal with the traffic to the farther job. The whole time talking to Princess she had told me she was outside her work waiting for me. It was a tough thing to tell her I wouldn't be driving down to her job to see her. It was too close to her start time and I'd never make it in traffic. So, I headed towards home or so I thought. I just automatically got in the lane that would spin me around and take me to her job.
I drive in to the parking lot and there she is in the window, looking out. I thought telling her I wouldn't be popping by to see her, was tough. This was so much tougher. You know how people say, "It was like getting punched in the gut". Well, this was just like that. She had this expression on her face that just hurt so much.
I didn't stay long, but seeing her felt good. I think it felt good. It hurt like hell. I cried all the way home and then stood in the kitchen and sobbed to Cute Boy. I know a lot of Princess' decisions are of her own making and she has to do what she has to do, even if that is not what is best for her future or her safety or health. I can only do so much. I have to step back and watch this unfold. It hurts like hell. I know I've already said that, but it's the only thing that really seems to fit.
I'm putting this day to bed!
Blog News
First off, I'm having issues. What????? Me???? Issues??? No, really, I am. If you are the owner of a blog that has multiple posting options (live journal, blogger, ID something or other) I can't comment on your blog. Graciela, Velda, 20somethingfatty, I can't post. I'm reading everything you write, but I can't comment. My computer screen comes up with an error code "error on page". At first, I thought it was my work server putting up a soft firewall, but I've tried to comment from home and it's doing the same thing. I'm so sorry for not offering up support. I feel like I'm being cut off from my family. If you want to e-mail me your address I can e-mail me your comments. Big hugs to those of you that haven't heard from me lately. I'm still rooting for you, in all that you do!
Queenie
Queenie is still planning on moving back to Cobourg She has hit a bump in the road courtesy of her father. He is juvenile in his thoughts and more so in his actions. His actions are again affecting how she is feeling about moving there.
Cute Boy and I are of two minds about her moving to Cobourg. It's good. It's not so good. It is her life though and she needs to live it. All we can do is support her decisions to the best of our ability and be available to her in the event she needs us. Isn't that the job of a parent anyway?
Princess
She is still not at home. That is tough! No if, ands or buts about it. I don't like the idea of her not living at home, but she needs to figure some things out for herself. I have to step aside and realize no amount of crying or coddling is going to bring her home. It isn't that I don't want her in our home and being cared for by me or Cute Boy, for that matter. I just will not allow myself to feel the hurt of asking her to come home and getting the "No". The emotional cost is too high for me. It's not pride. It's trying to protect my emotional state and my heart from further hurt.
Cute Boy
We are great and that is no small miracle. Any long time reader will know that we struggle in our life, in our ability to communicate from time to time. I hate those times more than mere words can convey. As much as I dislike those times, I'm starting to learn a lot from them. The lessons learned are many and not lost on me.
What I've learned in the last couple months is that Cute Boy is amazing and just what I need in my life. I've always thought he is amazing, now I know he's amazing for me. He offers support, love and understanding. There are so many times that I come here and dump my negative and don't give him enough credit in the good that he represents to me. That is the balance that I strive for in my day to day life.
I love the strength he shows. I love the strength he sees in me that I don't always see. I love the uncompromising morals. I don't always like when they don't lie in place with my own, but I appreciate the conviction of his beliefs. I love the conversations we are having lately. They do my heart and head good. I love the easy flow that we have right now. I love the sense of commitment and dedication of making our day to day life better for both of us. In the swirl of craziness it is comforting to know I'm blessed with the presence of Cute Boy not only now when life is good between us, but everyday!
There are other thoughts dancing in my head, but I'll keep them there for now for fear of truly and completely falling apart.
I don't know where to begin. Most people would say, the beginning. Where the hell is the beginning?
Queenie
Queenie came home. Queenie is leaving again. She is not finding what she needs here. Our house doesn't feel like a home to her. She is really struggling. She is going again.
It has been talked about at great length. There is great concern about her leaving again. She has done a good job up to a point of making it work for her on her own. It appears to me that she is stuck in two worlds. A world, where for 2 years she was on her own. Making her own decisions. No parenting involved. No one to answer to. No one to tell her what to do. No one to demand expectations of her. In a school that is filled with other young adults. Now, back home she is in a school with 'kids' and it drives her crazy. I don't want to speak for her or how she feels, but it is as though she is displaced in her life.
This particular topic could go on and on, but I'll keep short in saying, that Queenie leaving is very sad for me. I have loved having her around and it breaks me heart to know I'm not going to see her everyday. It has been very good for us that we have had this time together. I know, it has done me worlds of good. When I kicked her out of the house it was one of my biggest life regrets and to put some of that right again, feels good. Really good.
Princess
Princess has now left home. When will the revolving door of my house/life end, really? I'm not saying this for pity or compassion. I'm not looking for it and most importantly I don't want it.
Things have never been easy between Princess and Cute Boy. It is as simple as that. I have been as much a contributing factor to that as anyone. I take my responsibility for that.
My fears of the life Princess will lead while not living at home, scares the hell out of me. I don't even know how to put to words the true depth of my fear. We'll just leave it at that. I've been very quiet about Princess leaving. I think a lot of that silence is the fear. The sadness. The hurt. The worry. The ugly of it. The feelings of failure as a parent.
Me
I never dreamed that I would be living the life I'm living. To think I have a house that neither of my daughters want to live in is just too much for me at times.
I have a life that is sometimes smooth, sometimes not. I am a woman that lives life with my emotions and wouldn't change that even if I could. I'm passionate about the things that matter to me and I'm always trying to figure out how to make those around me that aren't happy happy. I wonder if therein lies my biggest mistake. Worrying more about others than myself and then when I do worry about me and put myself ahead of one or another, I'm left.
I have no relationship with my father (whose birthday is today, by the way) and that is just sad no matter how you look at it. The story is long. The story is simple. I stood up for my children and my father and his wife couldn't handle that and walked away. Sad. There is obviously a lot more to the story, too much to write. The short and long of it is - no relationship with my father.
I don't stand up and fight much for my own happiness, as much as I am happy, I just don't fight for it often because people walk away if you don't tow the line.
My dad - walked away
Queenie - walked away
Princess - walked away
I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but just to get the rattling thoughts out of my head.
I never know if you read or when you read if you do. In case this is one of those times - I love you!
Another one of those days that I have to step back from and see things as beautiful and a gift, not hard and emotional and a mental struggle.
I'm running on very little sleep this week and that could very well be a major contributor to my exhaustion. It's not so much a physical exhaustion, but mental. I think that is even worse.
GOOD
I had the honour of accompanying Velda to her radiation appointment this morning. It was something else. I'm telling you Velda has to be the single most amazing person I've ever known. I'm not just saying that! Here we are today going to her radiation treatment and you'd think we were going out for a night on the town. We talked. We laughed. We ranted (me). We were just together. What is better than that? Absolutely nothing!
BAD
That Cancer Centre is something else. It really was so very tough for me. (Velda, I don't like that you read this blog sometimes). I kept looking at the people, but didn't really want to see them, not in the sense that I didn't want to see them as people. I didn't want to see them in the regards to being cancer patients. This cancer fucking sucks! I hate it! I hate it! I'm sick of it! I'm not living it like Velda, but I'm watching and I've never in my entire life felt as helpless as I do right now. I thought my divorce was the most difficult thing I would ever have to live through at the time, and looking back, that was like a walk in the park now.
I hate that I feel like I do. I have this ridiculous feeling of being selfish. In no way is this battle of Velda's my battle, and it's not at all about me. I don't want to come off as an, 'oh poor me', but I'm just at a loss right now what to do for Velda and then my own fears on top of that - I'm a fucking mess.
GOOD
Velda and I went for her blood work this morning and then hit up the Golden Arches for some deep fried fat ass grease. It was out of this world amazing! Great food with a great woman!
BAD
Off I head to pick up Queenie at her grandparent's, where she spent the night since both Cute Boy and I were unavailable to pick her up from work. That was an interesting experience. I've always had a good relationship with my ex-in-laws. Today, I'm not so sure how to read the relationship. There are troubles in my life with Princess and I'm doing what I can to emotionally survive that nightmare situation. The problem right now with the in-laws and the Princess and me, is that they've been fed half truths, as far as I can tell. I'm not going to go out of my way to correct said lies. I don't feel at this point in the game (no game, but my life), that I should have to defend my actions, and that actions weren't even mine. The words of a liar are what they are and I will not justify them with a preemptive action. I would think my own track record as a parent, mistakes and all, would speak for itself.
GOOD
Today, as you know, was Tattoo Day! OMG what a time that was! We were booked for 5 tattoos over 5 hours. Total time was about 2.5 hours, I think. I'm now the proud owner of a beautiful purple coloured angel wing on the top of my right foot. It is amazing and means the world to me to have this FOREVER connection to Velda, her daughter, and both of mine. Pics coming soon - sorry for the delay.
BAD
This situation I have with Princess right now is getting to the point of no return and I can see the signs on the wall. It is going to get ugly. It breaks my heart that I'm faced with the thought of my daughter in the way I am right now. It's not what I would have ever expected. I wonder why I'm surprised by things that happen around me. I asked Cute Boy today, "Am I the cancer in these situations, these relationship issues? Really, is it me, please be honest?"
I feel like I'm a season pass holder of the roller coaster emotions of life. I will be glad to put this week behind me, although I don't think the upcoming week will be any better, sadly. I am tired. I am sad. I am lost. I am scared. I am hurting. I am disappointed. I am drained.
This blog is taking a nasty turn and I'm sorry for that. I just don't have much going on that is peaceful and easy. Life is in a phase that is challenging and heavy and then in turn so is the blog.
Hang in there. The 'me' you know and love will find it's way back! I promise.
Our personalized shirts
Loot bags
All my pink and angel goodies
The most rockin'-est team ever!
My angel (Velda)I've been sitting on some information for a few days while I waited for things around me to unfold. The things I've been waiting on have fallen in to place and are in such a way that I can now share with you what has been going on. You just never know who could be reading your blog, so I kept things quiet until I knew for certain that things were done and not going to negatively affect the people involved.
I got a phone call from my oldest daughter (Queenie) on Saturday afternoon. She was extremely upset about things that have been going on in her world and how they are affecting her desire to move forward in an effort to make a better life for herself. After talking to her for about 10 minutes, she told me she wanted to come home. I thought she meant come home to the city, not my (our) house, but that is exactly what she meant. Factor in Cute Boy and a sister that has been the only child in the house for quite some time, this is a huge life change for everyone! It has been 2.5 years since she has lived under my roof and with me parenting her.
There are things she has experienced that I will probably never understand, nor would I want to to be completely honest with you. I'm keeping an open mind and doing everything within my power to make this as smooth a transition for all parties. There will be growing pains, of course, but I'm hopeful that things will work out okay.
I have spent and inordinate amount of time on the phone (major dislike of mine) coordinating with the high school here to see that they will accept her as a student again. The Vice Principal has been incredible to deal with. Queenie has been in an independent study school, in the city she lives, for about a year now. She has been accountable to herself and her studies. No one there making her get up and go to school. No one to care that she is getting her work done (Teachers, yes. Parent, no) In the past week the counsellors and teachers at her current school have enabled her to get her final compulsory credit and filed the appropriate paperwork for her to get her work experience credits. If things work out the way they are supposed to she should have all her credits by the end of first semester (January) and graduate in time for college this fall. That would put her only one year behind her intended graduating class. I'm optimistic that Queenie will make the most of this second, third or fourth chance. It's been a few second chances.
I've been in communication with Cute Boy's niece about her helping Queenie get a job at Montana's. Queenie has worked her way up in East Side Marios and is currently a waitress and wants to continue with that here. Keeping my fingers crossed for her.
Cute Boy has been amazing through all of the communicating. It is awe inspiring what can be accomplished when two people work together and communicate with how they feel in a certain situation and what their expectations are. I'm glad for his support and understanding. As hard as this may be, he's rallied behind me and is in complete agreement that the best place for Queenie is with us. Just typing that sentence has tears in my eyes.
There are bedrooms and dressers to be moved around. Furniture to be packed and moved from 1.5 hours away to our house. Cute Boy and I are hitting the road on Wednesday of this week to undertake the daunting task of packing up my baby and bringing her home. It will be bittersweet because of all the moving she has done, she doesn't own a lot of stuff and that is just a bit of a heart tugger for me.
I'm not delusional in the fact that I think life is going to be a bed of roses. There are certain expectations that Cute Boy and I both have for her and from Princess as well and getting them may be a challenge. I hope it is understood that as much as I am the mother, Cute Boy is an adult in the house and he is to be respected and appreciated for what he does for each of my daughters and for what he brings, as well. I think Queenie has seen enough, done more than enough and done without enough that she will appreciate the basic necessities of life such as a hot shower, rather than one lacking the heat, food in the fridge, a closet for her clothing. The list goes on.
I guess, as Cute Boy's niece said, "Never say never". I really never dreamed in a million years I would have both my daughters living with me under one roof ever again and what do ya know! In one short week, the life I know right now will be completely different.
A few good thoughts that things work out for Queenie from now until the time she's home and then when she gets home, would be greatly appreciated. Things in her current living situation could still blow up any minute and that causes me great concern.
That, my dear readers is the news from my house to yours!
Hugs and love!
