Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Life's a Bumpy Ride (read cautiously)

I've been away for quite some time, and to be completely honest I'm not sure how much more I will be back. I think about blogging A LOT, but I just don't know what to say. How to say and how much to say.

I've had a lot going on in the last year and in August, I hit my breaking point. I find, there are times that I just get so mired in thoughts of 'whoa is me', that I just step back so as not to be a constant downer to those around me. That is where the 'Tammy Turtle' comes from. I go within and I shut down. It's not a healthy thing, really, but it's what I do.

I had been off work from mid-August until just this past week. I've been under the care of my family doctor and now a counsellor. It has been one the most difficult things that has crossed my path. I would take the heartache and questions of my separation/divorce, 10 times over rather than feel like I've felt in the last couple months.

My 16 year old daughter (now 17) will birth my first grandchild at the beginning of February. It has taken me a while to build up the courage to put that out there. Those that have me on their facebook, please do not mention this there. Out of respect for my daughter and my in-laws, I do not mention my struggles in that forum. As much as my blog is a public Internet (all can read it), this is 'my' place. I just feels different.

I have cried more tears about this situation with my daughter than I would have ever thought possible. This pregnancy and my issues with it, are not just about her age, but the age and history of the father, who is still around. I find that he is still around somewhat surprising.

I'm not putting this next bit of information out there to spark debate or to bring a backlash of my situation. Please keep in mind when you read this, that my world and my daughter's world will forever change from the moment of her realization of pregnancy. I talked (or screamed), depending on how you look at it, about my daughter aborting this pregnancy or putting it up for adoption. I didn't think I believed in abortion and I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

The baby is being birthed by my daughter and I am now working through the process of feeling as though abortion or adoption as an option for my first grandchild, which is a boy, by the way, was something that went through my mind. The situation, being what it is, I feel robbed of that excitement and joy of being happy for the day when I am going to be a grandmother. I don't want to get in to why, other than age, as to why these options where what I thought was best for this unborn child and my daughter. It's not my story to tell and I can't trust myself and my feelings to think I will tell the story without putting my own personal views and feelings to it.

So, in light of that world-rocking-news, my world crashed around me. I was off work for almost 3 months. I'm on anti-depressants. My relationship with both of my daughter's has changed and now viewed in a more contentious and cautious light. I am guarded and scared about my daughter's future, not to mention that of my unborn grandchild. Right now, I take life one day at a time and try to find the good from day to day and work through getting inside my head with the fear of the unknown.

On that note, I think I've unburdened enough. Thanks to those that are still reading and commenting.

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