Begin Anew

The days come.  The days go.  What means most is what fills those days with love, life and hope. I've been a dog's age away from this blog and I've been thinking about rekindling my relationship with writing again.

I had an encounter with a patient in my place of employment and she blogs, and during a very short conversation about the importance of having that place to dump your thoughts, clear your mind, speak your truth and move forward, she encouraged me to get back to my blog. That conversation was less than a week back, and that the thoughts were still there, I figured now was a good a time as any to get to 'work'! 

I'm not sure where I will lead this blog and how often the content will be shared, but I know it is a void I want to fill.  This blog and those that commented made such a indelible mark on my writing, I figure nothing will be lost if I reacquaint myself with my blog.   It 's like visiting an old friend, snuggling in with a good book and a warm drink to pass away some time.

Me time = time well spent.

Long Time No Communication

I have not blogged in a dog's age.  To the point of why bother anymore?

Most of my computer time is spent on a wedding board and mindless clicking game links on Facebook.  I don't  do much blog related activity at home, never have and the work computer parameters have changed so much that I can read blogs, but can't access my own blog from work.

Even as I start this, I wonder who out there is interested in what I have to say anyway, so has the blogging world really lost much when I've not been blogging?  I think the answer that best applies, would be: NO!

Never one to give up or in easily, I'm still here. My fingers continue to type.

Live, since I've last been here, has been hectic to say the least.

• Princess and the Prince have moved away. My heart breaks a little every day.  I'm getting used to it, but it's not easy.  I am very proud of her and her quest to go back to school.  I just really wish she would stay in town to do it. 
• Queenie is doing really well.  Very proud of her. 
• Wedding plans are fast and furious.  I'm enjoying myself and questioning my decisions most every day.  It's insane this wedding planning business. 
• Cuteboy and I are quickly approaching our 2nd annual winter vacation.  I can not wait to put my feet up, read a book and drink free beverages for a week.  REALLY CAN NOT WAIT
• The battle of the body is still ongoing.  I've actually hit my highest weight to date.  It is heart breaking and something I am so tired of dealing with.  I whine and cry and do nothing about making changes.  Things will remain the same if you don't make a change in your behaviour.  I tell myself that, but in the strangest way, it goes right out the other ear.  I've tried switching ears, but it seem both ears allow for important information to escape. 

Anyway, that is my life in a nutshell.  

I think I will attempt be a bit more consistent with my posts.  This is a short one, but it really does feel good to see things coming together in the form of thoughts getting out of my head.  

Until next time.... 

New Beginning

So, no longer living in denial of the weight I have gained, I joined Weight Watcher's yesterday morning.

I didn't expect the scale to show a pretty number and as much I like being right I was hoping I would be wrong in this particular instance. No sirree. The scale read 10lbs more than when I last officially joined WW about 4.5 years ago.

I have read mixed reviews about the new program, but my first few days I really like it. It would be much easier if I actually had the calculator, but unfortunately I will have to wait until somewhere near to the end of March.

It has been a long time since I've truly felt accountable. It feels good to have some sort of structure and accountability to myself, my meeting leader and the scale. I look forward to the next couple weeks to see how and if my body will adapt to this new lifestyle. Things promise to be interesting if nothing else.

Contented Sigh

I made mention in my previous post about my life being at a place where I am content. I'm so much more than content. Aside from my worries about my daughter's pregnancy, I'm so incredibly happy.

My life hasn't always been what it is today. I was in a marriage that I thought was going to last forever. Who doesn't think that when they get married? After many years, some good, some great, and some just downright awful, the marriage ended. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I felt, as I'm sure many do, when something such as marriage ends, you'll never feel normal or happy again. It's a way of coping and healing.

What I thought was a good marriage turned out to be a mess. I look back now and see the dysfunction for what it was. It wasn't all bad, but there was so much of me I couldn't be. I was constantly striving to be what he wanted. What he wanted wasn't me and that much and so much more is evident by the cheating and the disrespect shown over the final years of our life together. That was tough. I'll never say otherwise, but I am certain of one thing. I would do it all over again if it put me where I am today.

Today, I share my life with the most wonderful man. I am more blessed than I sometimes think I deserve. The life that Cute Boy and I live is pretty charmed. I don't mean charmed in the lots of money, fine dining, exotic trips and all that glitz and glamour, but charmed in a way that each and every day I see my life as a blessing. My life with him, a blessing.

The life I live with him is one that shows me laughter, friendship and the most incredible support and understanding I could ever find. As with any relationship, he and I have had our ups and downs. From those early days when you're a huge grin knowing you're going to be spending time together while still in that honeymoon phase, to the points of moving in together and all the adjustments that entails. Wondering at that point, between the settling in to this new living arrangement and the fighting if we've made the right choice. Are we right for each other? Should we have moved in together? Have we made a mistake?

It has been a crazy year and not one I would want to relive, although I can see a different side to my relationship. You can add that to the rest of the lessons learned over the past couple months. I am so content and at peace with where I am and how I got here. I've said to Cute Boy in the past, 'I would take every tear and heartache all over again, if it were to put me here with you'. I meant it when I said it the first time and I think it holds true more and more as we face each hurdle together.

From a few short months ago, spiralling in to a depression, fearful of the future and struggling to get out to bed, to now being excited to see what life brings me each and every day, is quite a feeling. To share that excitement each day with Cute Boy is priceless.

***This post started out in my head completely different than how it hit the blog. I'm not certain I did justice to what I was really trying to say.

Figuring It Out As I Go

I am smart and a wonderful woman. Those were the words uttered by my doctor this morning.

I had an appointment today to discuss my emotional and mental struggles with all the things surrounding my daughter and her pregnancy. It was a very good appointment. I've learned a lot about myself, my strengths, weaknesses and coping skills. This situation is not something I would ever wish on another parent, but from all things come a learning lesson. Mine would be that I may crack and a may crumble, but I will not break. I am much more equipped to deal with things than I thought I was. I'm stronger than I've ever really given myself credit.

It is not without the help of others though that I can say that I am who I am. The list is long, the instances many when I was given support and strength from others. Not all that have helped me read my blog and for that, I am sad. I have done my best to thank them and to let them know how much their generosity, love and friendship have meant to me while I struggled.

A very important thing I learned is that this baby is coming. It's not as though I didn't know it, but I've worked towards accepting that fact that this little guy is coming. Regardless of his parent's life choices and how his little life began, he is coming. He is going to be loved, cherished and adored. These are things I know. No matter my feelings about this pregnancy leading up to his birth, I know myself well enough to know I'm going to fall in love with him as soon as I lay eyes on him. My fear for his future is now being replaced with thoughts of his little fingers, his tiny toes, his little face and those first wondrous moments and all the joy a little baby brings.

This journey isn't just mine. It will be my daughter's and that of my little grandson, but this right now is about me and how I'm coping. I've come a long way. I'm not to the point that I'm excited. I'm still scared. Scared to death really, but I'm starting to work my way around to being more happy than apprehensive. Is it wrong to feel happy about something that I was so torn up about only 4 months ago, if even that long? The battle in my head is a struggle.

A baby is on his way in the next couple months. That is huge! Holy cow!

My life is really coming around to a place that I am so content with and I will post more on that in the next couple days.

Quick Update

Life is no less crazy 2 weeks later. Thank you for the kind works and support. They are greatly appreciated.

The crazy really isn't much to do with Princess (pregnant daughter), not in a day to day sense, but figuring it all out in my head. I don't see her much. She doesn't see anyone else much either. She is all about the father of the baby and working. I know she is extremely stressed out. Who wouldn't be? 17 years old. Pregnant. No longer in school and supporting yourself, your boyfriend and your boyfriend's child (4 years old) from a previous relationship. I'm 41 years old and that situation would stress me out!

Outside of the pregnancy situation, life is good. Cute Boy and I are in an awesome place. I couldn't be happier with respect to my personal life.

I have been hitting the gym again - finally! My weight isn't going down. It is holding steady and I'm okay with that for now. I've finally realized this isn't a race. It is about living, learning and doing what I can from day to day. If the gym isn't my #1 priority that's okay.

I hope is well with those that are ready. I'm doing my level best to get back to blogging, reading others and commenting.

Take care!

Plug Your Ears

I am so angry and frustrated I just want to scream bloody murder!

I am fast sliding in a mental state to taking myself back a few months.

Things just seem to never end. People want and take, want and take! It gets old. I'm about ready to flip a lid and I'm telling you, those in the line of fire had better duck!

I just want to bury my head under the covers and not come out until it's time for Cute Boy and I to go away.

Life's a Bumpy Ride (read cautiously)

I've been away for quite some time, and to be completely honest I'm not sure how much more I will be back. I think about blogging A LOT, but I just don't know what to say. How to say and how much to say.

I've had a lot going on in the last year and in August, I hit my breaking point. I find, there are times that I just get so mired in thoughts of 'whoa is me', that I just step back so as not to be a constant downer to those around me. That is where the 'Tammy Turtle' comes from. I go within and I shut down. It's not a healthy thing, really, but it's what I do.

I had been off work from mid-August until just this past week. I've been under the care of my family doctor and now a counsellor. It has been one the most difficult things that has crossed my path. I would take the heartache and questions of my separation/divorce, 10 times over rather than feel like I've felt in the last couple months.

My 16 year old daughter (now 17) will birth my first grandchild at the beginning of February. It has taken me a while to build up the courage to put that out there. Those that have me on their facebook, please do not mention this there. Out of respect for my daughter and my in-laws, I do not mention my struggles in that forum. As much as my blog is a public Internet (all can read it), this is 'my' place. I just feels different.

I have cried more tears about this situation with my daughter than I would have ever thought possible. This pregnancy and my issues with it, are not just about her age, but the age and history of the father, who is still around. I find that he is still around somewhat surprising.

I'm not putting this next bit of information out there to spark debate or to bring a backlash of my situation. Please keep in mind when you read this, that my world and my daughter's world will forever change from the moment of her realization of pregnancy. I talked (or screamed), depending on how you look at it, about my daughter aborting this pregnancy or putting it up for adoption. I didn't think I believed in abortion and I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

The baby is being birthed by my daughter and I am now working through the process of feeling as though abortion or adoption as an option for my first grandchild, which is a boy, by the way, was something that went through my mind. The situation, being what it is, I feel robbed of that excitement and joy of being happy for the day when I am going to be a grandmother. I don't want to get in to why, other than age, as to why these options where what I thought was best for this unborn child and my daughter. It's not my story to tell and I can't trust myself and my feelings to think I will tell the story without putting my own personal views and feelings to it.

So, in light of that world-rocking-news, my world crashed around me. I was off work for almost 3 months. I'm on anti-depressants. My relationship with both of my daughter's has changed and now viewed in a more contentious and cautious light. I am guarded and scared about my daughter's future, not to mention that of my unborn grandchild. Right now, I take life one day at a time and try to find the good from day to day and work through getting inside my head with the fear of the unknown.

On that note, I think I've unburdened enough. Thanks to those that are still reading and commenting.

Still Off

I went to the doctor yesterday and I'm off for another month. I wasn't expecting this. I know I'm dealing with some things, but I figured he would give me a prescription and my return to work letter. No way! I asked if I was getting my letter and he looked at me like I was nuts. Okay, I feel like I'm losing it, so maybe that was me more than anything else. His belief is that I'm suffering anxiety and panic attacks, as well as being borderline depressed. Is it any wonder?!

I have a counseling service available to me through my employer, but they have been terrible this time around. I've called them 4 times and haven't had a call back. I'm not impressed. So, in telling my doctor this, he has offered to have me see a counselor from the doctor's office. It will enable better communication between him and her. That is a good thing.

I'm not 100% about the prescription right now. I took it last night and today I feel odd. I didn't sleep well last night and right now my ears are ringing something awful. I'm really not enjoying being me lately.

Okay, enough of the heavy stuff! I want to talk about some good stuff!

Today is my WI day... my new day! I lost 1.7lbs this week. I would be making great progress if not for that one week I gained 3lbs. I'm really happy though. It's been a while since I've been this low and since I've had 2 back to back weeks of loss. Yaaaaaa!!! Take joy in the small things.

The one good thing about being off work is that I can get to the gym easier. I do believe once I do get back to work I will be have some sort of routine and it should work out okay too.

I have a half marathon to run in less than 2 weeks and I am nowhere near prepared. Right now, the only hope is that I don't hurt myself. I don't know why I let the adrenaline push me to join this half. I wanted the bling, I think, more than anything else. Awful. I'm just awful!

Anyway, I'm outta here to do nothing and then do more of nothing.

Love and hugs until next time!

On Your Mark, Get Set....

Go!!!!!

Front shot



Side Shot --- my goodness!!!

The backside - ugly ugly!!!

Since the beginning of September I have been participating in Syl's 30 day challenge that she has going on her blog and Facebook page. I've not been to the gym every day this month nor did I expect to be.

I started this challenge as way to get my motivation level up and inspire myself to want to do something more than nothing. It is a great way for me to get back to doing something for me and only me. That comes out more selfish than I would or could ever be.

I'm not back to work yet, so getting to the gym is pretty easy right now. I will be juggling and struggling more when I am back to work. As of right now, I'm not sure when that will be. I was to have a doctor's appointment today to assess the situation and see where and what happens next, but my doctor's office called early this morning to cancel the appointment. My next appointment isn't until next Tuesday now.

Sadly, my breathing issues are still front and centre. I struggle to get a full breath and have to do funky things with my mouth to get a decent breath or a full lung breath. I do a lot of sighing and it sounds like I'm always yawning or huffing in annoyance. I'm not, I'm just trying to breath. Scary crap, I tell ya! I think it's related to stress and anxiety, but a doctor I'm not so who really knows.

As for the gym, I've currently been there 9/12 days. All things considered I'm extremely impressed with that so far. I will keep working towards my goal of a healthier more fit body. Mentally, I'm a long way off, but I will keep working on that too!

Until next time, to those of you that are still out there reading - thank you!

Love and hugs!

I Do and I Don't

I do want to do this and I don't want to do this.

I've been M.I.A. from the world in general for quite some time now. I've been on Faceboook and that is pretty much just a mind kill activity playing games.

My life has been a shit show for about 3 weeks and I'm about ready to lose my mind. I'm off work, doctor ordered stress leave, with a life that isn't getting any less stressful. I'm not sleeping and I'm eating like crap! I'm not sleeping without sleeping pills and I went to the pharmacy to get a refill and the pills I've been prescribed are on back order and have been for 2 months or more. I never took the sleeping pills often, until lately.

My doctor is on holidays and I don't have another doctor's appointment until next Monday, the Monday after the Canadian Labour day. Sorry, too lazy or tired to check a calender. I can just tell you it's too long from now. That is the sad harsh reality of my nights right now. Can you say addiction??? No really, it's not that bad. Okay, maybe it is that bad.

Some of you that read my blog have been around since before it was a blog, when it was a friendship started on a Cross Stitch Board and then it became THIS. Those of you that were around then, were around for the demise of my marriage and all that that entailed. This current life drama is worse than anything I could imagine.

I have a personal fear of certain things happening to either of my daughter's. I best explain them on a ladder scale. The top wrung being murdered, the second wrung raped and the third wrung, I'm living it. I guess the answer to the title, "I do and I don't'', is that I don't. I don't want to do this right now. I can't do this right now. I can say the words of what I'm dealing with, but as I sit here right now, I can not make myself type the words that I can say, and I've been living for weeks. I can do all that, but I can't type them here for me to have to see and relive. It's not going away and I'm not dealing any better now than I was when all this mess began.

On top of the issues with one daughter, my oldest daughter has now decided to embroil herself in this nightmare of her younger sister. She is moving out - her story = she is being kicked out. She is avoiding me and Cute Boy, specifically Cute Boy. Her story = I am lying and being immature and handling the situation incorrectly.

I'm done in a way I have never felt before in my life. The emotional gas tank has no more gas. It is running on empty, zilch, nada, finished! I think I've turned one corner in my thinking and I'm able to get back to some sort of normalcy and then BAM! Here comes another hit upside the head.

Sleep evades. The pills are gone. The tears come. The sadness sits. The questions arise. The hurts seem to fester. The doubt never ends. The fears are endless. The future is as uncertain as it ever was, but in a way so much more so than 3 weeks ago.

I am supposed to go back to work on the 7th or 8th, I'm not sure now, but I'm not 100% on that either. I don't trust myself not to blow up at a caller and say something that would endanger my position or future. I really wish it wasn't coming up to Labour Day and my doctor wasn't on holidays.

Oh well, that's the way of the world, my world right now. I don't know how much more I can take or if and when I will be able to write words that clarify the craziness right now. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Here's to hoping it's some sleep.

System Reboot

Things have been hectic as of late. I don't really know why I continue overstating the obvious. My life is always hectic. I say this each time as though it's something new. It's not!

Since I last updated, I've been to the doctor. He doesn't think I'm depressed. Thankfully! The doctor thinks I'm stressed, overworked and exhausted. It is good to have an idea of what is going on in my head, beyond the non-stop activity. He advice was to continue on with taking a little time each day to enjoy 'my pretty'. I've been trying to do that, but it's really hard when I'm working, trying to sleep and then all the other daily demands.

I'm trying to take his advice and instead of dealing with the blue screen of a mentally crashed computer, take the time each day for a system reboot.

Keeping with the theme of the system reboot going on, I've decided to recommit to my Weight Watchers way of life. I used to always weigh in on Friday, but I've changed that up too. I'm moving my weigh in day to Wednesday. That is going to take some getting used to that much I know.

I weighed in Friday past and then this morning to restart this new approach. It was a good weigh in. I was down 3.6lbs since Friday! Yaaaaa me. The program works if you allow it to work. I feel amazing today. I haven't been able to say that for quite some time.

This amazing feeling isn't just the weight, although that is a big part of it. Cute Boy and I are in the early stages of figuring out some things that will hopefully enable me to step back from my part time job a bit. That would be awesome. Keep your fingers crossed.

Now for the best part of what has me feeling a bit excited and optimistic is that Cute Boy and I are discussing going on a trip. It would be our first big trip away. It's in the early stages yet, but as things develop I will update. I'm really excited! It could be a whole week with him and another couple. A couple that I very much love and know will have an incredible time with! I hope! I hope! I hope!

So, for my first positive feeling post in a very long time, I may be soon getting away from the blue screen of my life where I feel like I'm about ready to crash! I'm rebooted and on way to working the way I should and want to be from here on out.

To those of you that commented and offered up support, I thank you for riding out the storm with me.

~Love and hugs

Sunflower Smiles

As soon as I opened my eyes this morning, I got up and threw open the curtains, very Ebenezer Scrooge-like, in the hopes of letting in the sun and chasing away this nasty gloom I'm carrying around with me.

It worked for about 2 seconds.

I hit up the coffee pot (my inanimate object BFF) and then sent an e-mail. It was to one that knows me well and loves me in spite of it. Wise words from a wonderful friend had me responding to her comments with tears falling so fast down my face it was hard to see what I was typing. Thank you, Velda. You know, this is why, along with half a million other reasons, I love you!

I played out my addiction of Farmville and Frontierville and then hit the deck with my book. It was in short order just what I needed. I was surrounded my milk jug filled with red/orange sunflowers that are so gorgeous. They just make me smile to know I own them and they are mine... how silly, eh? Cute Boy and I bought the sunflowers and 2 hanging baskets for the deck when at the local market yesterday. I tried as best I could, when on the deck to soak in that feeling of peace and contentment, for times when the dark thoughts reappear. Not sure how well it will work. We'll see.

On my way to work, I stopped in quick to HomeSense to see what pretty things they had in stock. I saw lots and bought nothing, just again soaking up the pretty surroundings. I did the same at Pier 1. Looked at the pretty, and didn't spend.

I feel a little bit better today, but as is the pattern, that could change in the blink of an eye.

Catch Up of the Grumbly Kind

It has been ages since I've been here. I've thought about it numerous times, but just have no desire to put anything down in writing.

I don't know what is up with me, but I definitely don't feel like myself lately. There are so many times throughout a day that I feel manic. I'm up. I'm down. I feel like I have a handle on things. I feel like I'm a fake in the very next breath. I laugh one minute. Could cry the next. I'm driving myself absolutely crazy. My head just doesn't stop. As I sit here and attempt to compose an entry, I'm practically in tears. My throat hurts with the urge to stop the tears. I would probably feel better if I let them fall, but for what reason do I cry? I miss my house. I miss being home. I hate the things in my life that I've done that have put me here. It's just too much some days.

Cute Boy and I were discussing selling our house and building again, or buying a pre-existing house. That isn't going to happen. Long story (not relationship issues), that are now passed and no need to bother with the long drawn out saga of it all.

I'm still working my part time job. The month of August is going to be nothing but a blur for me. I think I have 3, maybe 4 days off the entire month. I am so sick of working working working and not feeling as though I'm making any progress whatsoever. It's as though I'm just holding steady. No longer accumulating debt, but not really decreasing the amount I'm carrying either.

Queenie is all paid up for college and that is a good thing. It was a touchy money month with getting her all squared away. That was another additional financial drain. I'm glad things are taken care of now, though. Help from her dead beat dad would have been appreciated, but that is not ever going to happen.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. It is my escapism from the every day of my life. That has been an upside of working a lot. The part time job has a television with basic cable. That has been fun too. I've been all over The Real Housewives of whatever place. The is mind numbing fun. Great way to pass a midnight shift.

The eating/working out/training for 2nd half has been a non-event! I've not weighed in for 3 weeks. It wasn't helping my mental state, but neither does the muffin top on every single bottom I own..... augh!!!!

Maybe I should have stayed away from the blogging a bit longer. This nasty attitude of mine will scare people away. The people I want to read and comment will go, but not those damn blog spammers will be here to forever torment and torture. My word to them, although I know they don't read they just have some stupid computer program hitting blogs - KCUF FFO, would ya already. Do something constructive and positive with your time! Those stupid spammers would be the reason for the id word function and save to be approved option too. Sorry to those it inconveniences!

The Merry-Go-Round Of My Life

My life is just a bit of a trip lately.

I've been plugging along and having a great time with life lately. The ride is about to get bumpy and not so much fun, I think.

The rollercoaster ride of my life is about to start with that person I am still married to. His life is about to change. It's not something I can openly discuss, but things in that regard are getting very touchy. I'm extremely apprehensive to downright scared. Those that know him and know him well, as in one of my daughters, feels the same way, scared for me. Cute Boy is not so concerned for the situation, but he has never witnessed my ex-husband's wrath when he is backed in to a corner. I'm truly freaking out. I know, from the ex-husband's point of view, this all my fault. Nothing that he has done, but all because of me and the fact that I'm an F.........B......!

I don't directly have anything to do with what has been happening to him, although he will see it differently and for that, I'm scared. I am thankful, more than you will ever know, that he lives 1.5 hours away from where I live and that I live with someone now. I have moments where I'm just thinking about things in regards to this situation and I break out in a sweat and shaky hands. How pathetic is that. Fear does that to you, I guess.

What is happening to him is of his own doing and payment for his lack of accountability to his responsibilities, namely our children. I worry about the affect this will have on my daughters and how his parents will see the situation. I know for certain my oldest daughter is already feeling the fallout of what is believed to be as her knowledge of this situation. I had no idea this thing that happened to him was going to happen, so there is no way she was going to know. It is hard to see my husband's wife, I love saying that because it is sooooo wrong, treat my daughter poorly. It is the new woman's immaturity level that is evident here. My daughter offers her help and friendship and the new woman shuts the door. Wake up woman, or rather, girl. You hooked up with a loser when you hooked up with this one. I didn't know it at the time when I was going through my separation, that this was the best thing that could ever happen to me.

There isn't much I can say because this is a legal situation and I don't know how many people read this blog. I don't want to say anything that could detrimentally impact any situation that is upcoming. I just know in the event something comes of this current situation I'm going to be a freaking basket case and I'm scared to death of how I'm going to be portrayed and how I'm going to deal with the pressure of the upcoming weeks.

If I've not completely confused the hell out of you with this extremely cryptic entry, I'm surprised. I just need to get this stuff out of my head and not wanting to go on and on about it to Cute Boy, I needed to dump here. Feel free to click back and not even bother with commenting. I understand either way. There really isn't much here to comment on, just a bunch of mumble jumble from my head to my fingers to this computer screen.

I do ask in closing, just think positive thoughts and if the time comes that I can say something more concrete, I will.

Hugs,

Not Feeling Well

I've been fighting some sort of bug lately. I have no idea. The combination of issues are odd. I've been hot/cold, sweaty/clammy. Stomach ache when I eat. Stomach ache when I don't eat. Frequent headaches.

I stayed home from work today and I called in for tomorrow (Thursday) as well. I've been feeling this way for the last 10 days or so. I will think I'm starting to turn a corner and not feel too bad then the feelings all present themselves again. It's very odd and more than annoying. It's gotten to the point that I've called the doctors to book an appointment. I hate going to the doctor, but I dislike feeling like this even more.

This feeling of blah is starting to play games with my head. I've not been running because of the overall feeling of wanting to vomit. Sorry, I know that isn't very pretty. I just want to feel like myself again. I have no energy. Some mornings, getting ready for work, it is all I can do to shower. That isn't pretty either.

I've been doing a lot of reading. Doesn't take much energy to lift a book. That is the upside. I've barely been eating which is okay, but that isn't the way I want to lose weight. Watch me have a gain this week. LOL Okay, that isn't really funny!

Let's hope another 12 hour sleep helps me feel better. It didn't do much for me today, but trying to keep a positive outlook here. Oh, I do have positive to share. I got my hair cut and coloured today. I love it! If I can get a good shot of it tomorrow I'll post pretty pictures. It felt good to be pampered when I was like a poo bag!

Off to read some more.

Misinformation

In my point form entry from yesterday, I stated that my youngest daughter's best friend's mother had been diagnosed with 4th stage uterine cancer. That would be incorrect. She was misdiagnosed.

The poor woman. My heart hurts at the thoughts of how she must be riding the most frightening roller coaster.

What To Do Now

Relay for Life team barbecue - DONE

Team yard sale - DONE

Team music event - DONE

Relay for Life - DONE

Half Marathon - DONE

Now what to do with what seems to be all my free time?

I think I'm going to go home and hit the treadmill for a 24 minute run!

It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere

It's 5 am , not what Jimmy Buffet meant, I don't think.

It's been one of those weeks and not a good one.

I'm currently on the couch after being woke up by snoring at 4am. Off to the couch I go and now I can't sleep. Like I said it's been one of those weeks. I can not get my mind to shut off. I just want to cry and I can't even do that! I need sleep because I work today 2-10p and then 10:30-6:30 at the part time job. Doing that can be hard enough in optimum conditions, but with little to no sleep going in, not fun.

Cute Boy and I are in a place, or rather I'm in a place. He's probably aware that things aren't great, but is oblivious to it, doesn't care enough to delve into the reason why or is just of the mind that this too shall pass. It will pass, but what scar tissue will be left in it's wake?

There are times that I am blown away by how amazing he is and there are times when I look at him with eyes that don't recognize him at all. I just can't make sense of it and that is part of what is weighing so heavy in my head and heart right now.

I have an event that I'm invited to attend. It's going to be an odd event and something I have to work through in my own head as to whether I'm attending or not. First words out of his mouth without even knowing if I was going or not were, "I'm working!" Gee thanks for the moral support. I have a certain someone that I love to bits, that I need to talk to about this particular event, before making my final decision, and once that has been done I'll make up my mind. If I do attend, I will more than likely be taking my daughter with me. Sad! I guess every relationship has a giver and a taker. No balance for me.

There was a situation this week in regards to decorating in and around the house. The comment and delivery of his message was so demeaning and crushing that I've been walking around this house in a bit of a fog. We bought this house together. It is beautiful and I don't have the freedom to decorate it. I feel as though I'm treated like a tenant (not always, but more times than not), that I have to get approval. There is no decision made on my own. I feel like a child. Not a good feeling when I'm almost 41 years old and I'm seeking approval for the simplest of things. The lump in my throat is the most painful now. I'm fighting tears, as I have been all week. I think I'm afraid to let them fall because once they begin how I get them to stop? I hate feeling this way! I know! I know! Only I can change this situation.

I was talking to my best friend Pam this week and I couldn't explain it any better than by telling her how jealous I am of her. She lives alone, and at times that is really hard and lonely for her, but I'm jealous of her ability to decorate how she wants. Her and I have pretty much the same decorating style, so when I go there I feel so at home. I look around at her space and it's gorgeous and warm. I come home and it doesn't feel like home. It feels like a house. It hurts. I don't like being jealous of others.

So, I sit here when I should be sleeping and my head just wont stop. I know I will hear from some of you and your advice will be to talk to him. Tell him how I feel. I've done that and it's the same reaction and response. Reaction: annoyance and anger. Raised voice and tone. Response: "Do what you want!" The typical response from me is shutting down and harbouring my hurts. It's a self protection mechanism. As much as I know it's not the proper way to deal with the situation, I just don't have the fight in me anymore.

So, 2 hours of a night wasted when I should be sleeping. Oh, I can hardly wait for this day to be over!

Let Me Know

There are some things that are brewing around my family again. As some of you may remember, my oldest daughter moved back to Cobourg just before Christmas. Things went well for her for a while and now things are getting out of control for her again.

She has been accepted to the local college here in town. She accepted and then started to waiver in her decision. I think she's scared of being in a structured learning environment again, that and a few other things that are freaking her out. Only 2 weeks ago she wasn't going to school. Fast forward to this morning, she may be moving home in the next couple days and going to school as planned. The program will remain the same, but the end result of the education may very well take her in a direction different from what she originally planned.

This girl of mine is so full of life, but very much in search of something. I have no idea what it is she's looking for, nor does she and this search finds her restless and always on the move. It is a major concern for me when I see her struggling with finding her niche and feeling like she is moving towards a place that is going to find her where she's comfortable. I can't count the number of plans she's told me about and my response to her is always the same, 'Okay, let me know'. It has become something of joke between us now. I don't know what to do for her other than listen and to let her know I'm always her for her no matter the need.

There was a conversation this morning that has Queenie discussing moving home. As I'm composing this entry the cel phone dings a new message reading, "What day works for you this week?' That is what has been going on in my life today.

There are changes underway and when they are firm, as firm as they can be, I'll let you know.