It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere

It's 5 am , not what Jimmy Buffet meant, I don't think.

It's been one of those weeks and not a good one.

I'm currently on the couch after being woke up by snoring at 4am. Off to the couch I go and now I can't sleep. Like I said it's been one of those weeks. I can not get my mind to shut off. I just want to cry and I can't even do that! I need sleep because I work today 2-10p and then 10:30-6:30 at the part time job. Doing that can be hard enough in optimum conditions, but with little to no sleep going in, not fun.

Cute Boy and I are in a place, or rather I'm in a place. He's probably aware that things aren't great, but is oblivious to it, doesn't care enough to delve into the reason why or is just of the mind that this too shall pass. It will pass, but what scar tissue will be left in it's wake?

There are times that I am blown away by how amazing he is and there are times when I look at him with eyes that don't recognize him at all. I just can't make sense of it and that is part of what is weighing so heavy in my head and heart right now.

I have an event that I'm invited to attend. It's going to be an odd event and something I have to work through in my own head as to whether I'm attending or not. First words out of his mouth without even knowing if I was going or not were, "I'm working!" Gee thanks for the moral support. I have a certain someone that I love to bits, that I need to talk to about this particular event, before making my final decision, and once that has been done I'll make up my mind. If I do attend, I will more than likely be taking my daughter with me. Sad! I guess every relationship has a giver and a taker. No balance for me.

There was a situation this week in regards to decorating in and around the house. The comment and delivery of his message was so demeaning and crushing that I've been walking around this house in a bit of a fog. We bought this house together. It is beautiful and I don't have the freedom to decorate it. I feel as though I'm treated like a tenant (not always, but more times than not), that I have to get approval. There is no decision made on my own. I feel like a child. Not a good feeling when I'm almost 41 years old and I'm seeking approval for the simplest of things. The lump in my throat is the most painful now. I'm fighting tears, as I have been all week. I think I'm afraid to let them fall because once they begin how I get them to stop? I hate feeling this way! I know! I know! Only I can change this situation.

I was talking to my best friend Pam this week and I couldn't explain it any better than by telling her how jealous I am of her. She lives alone, and at times that is really hard and lonely for her, but I'm jealous of her ability to decorate how she wants. Her and I have pretty much the same decorating style, so when I go there I feel so at home. I look around at her space and it's gorgeous and warm. I come home and it doesn't feel like home. It feels like a house. It hurts. I don't like being jealous of others.

So, I sit here when I should be sleeping and my head just wont stop. I know I will hear from some of you and your advice will be to talk to him. Tell him how I feel. I've done that and it's the same reaction and response. Reaction: annoyance and anger. Raised voice and tone. Response: "Do what you want!" The typical response from me is shutting down and harbouring my hurts. It's a self protection mechanism. As much as I know it's not the proper way to deal with the situation, I just don't have the fight in me anymore.

So, 2 hours of a night wasted when I should be sleeping. Oh, I can hardly wait for this day to be over!

Until Next Time

The vacation is over. Sad to say, but true none the less. It's over. I'll always have the weight I gained though, errrrr the memories. Oh, I'm so funny - not!

Seriously, the vacation is over and for that I'm incredibly sad. This was my first paid weeks holiday. I loved that part. The part I couldn't deal so well with, was the Sunday afternoon and having to get ready for work again. How time flies when you're having fun.

I was due to weigh in on Friday past and didn't. I was a big chicken. I ate insane amounts of food and consumed copious amounts of Corona while on my week's holiday. I don't know what the hell happened to the otherwise normally conscientious me. I just disappeared. What else has disappeared is my drive to do anything about my physical funk.

I did have a great time off though. Cute Boy and I had a couple parties to attend, family to visit and lounging around to do. He had deck to build and I had a Farm to build on Facebook. I watched a few movies in the afternoons and had mini naps after and during those movies. It was heaven.

Life is back to normal now, in the sense that I'm back to work. Second day back on the job and already, I have bags under my eyes and I'm drained and exhausted.

I'm at work as I type this, so I'd best get some work done while it's still quiet enough for me to think and enjoy my Starbucks I brought in to work as a comfort for having to go to work. That works right??

Have a great one!

Love, Exhausted

I've not been feeling well the last little bit, so much so that I stayed home from work Thursday past and could have probably or should have done the same today.

I went to work Friday, was a right off Friday night and 95% of Saturday. Sunday, I started to feel a bit better only to be feeling like crap again today. I'm tired, and right now, tired of being me.

To make sick matters even worse, I had to be up early today because the plumbing company was coming to do some work on the downstairs bathroom. I just wanted to stay in bed, especially considering the fact I didn't sleep well last night.

There is some good news to report in and amongst all the sick. I took this in to be framed. I should have it back by the 2nd week of March, if not sooner. I didn't have a lot of room on the one side for framing, but the consultant thinks it will come out okay with just a frame. I really didn't want to mat this piece. I chose a frame that I hope matches the flooring in the house well. The price was crazy, even factoring in the 55% off coupon I used. This piece holds tremendous sentimental value to me, so the money is just a minor annoyance. I'm really looking forward to having this piece hanging in the bedroom. I will post a picture of the finished piece as soon as I'm able.

I do have a couple proud moments to share with you in regards to dropping off this piece for framing. The first person to see the piece commented on how old the piece looked. I told her it is only 1 year old. She was shocked, since the fabric looks much older than that. Another co-worker came in while she was measuring up the framing size and he was 'ewwing and awwwing'. He made a similar comment about how old a piece it was and was equally shocked with the fact that I only just stitched it. I was so impressed, especially knowing I dyed the fabric myself and an antiquated look is the one I was hoping to achieve. Yaaaa me.

Is it Friday yet?

House Pics - Finally!

This is going to be quick, sorry about that. Chiloe, I couldn't torture you any longer, so with my little extra time on my hands this morning, I snapped a couple pics.

This would be the entryway. Not completely decorated, but it is coming along. Cute Boy hung the mirror you see there, the other day. On the table to the right of the door there are 2 wrought iron candle holders that will be on either side of the mirror as well. On that table after the candle holders are gone will be a glass bowl or pretty basket to set our keys and doorway clutter in.



Here is the view of our Great Room from the entryway hall. The table beside the couch has not been decorated yet, but soon enough. The curtains are new. Cute Boy hung them yesterday. We are in disagreement about what should be done with them. I want them to just hang like that and he wants to tie a rope around them to pull them together in the middle, but still hang like they do. I don't get it.....but I'm trying to envision it.
This is the view from the kitchen area to the back. I love those garden doors. I can see them from 'my' bedroom window when I wake up in the morning. The first morning I saw them, I cried a little bit. I was just a little overwhelmed.

Obviously, this is the kitchen. Not much to say about that, other than I love it.

Sorry the visit was quick, but as it is, I'm going to be rushing to work.

Thanks for looking. More importantly, thanks for caring!

Drama Filled House

Life isn't bad at all, just drama filled with my Drama Queen (aka Queenie), home for a few days. Cute Boy, Princess, Miss Daisy (dog) and I took a little road trip to Belleville yesterday to meet FN (will not translate that one for you - use your imagination :)) and pick up Queenie.

The car ride home was filled with chatter and giggles. It warms my heart to know those girls are the other's best friend. The one good thing FN and I did was to encourage the girls to remember they are the rock for the other. It seems to have worked.

Can I rave a little bit about how I think Cute Boy is wonderful? We are having my former in-laws over for dinner tonight. I'm so blessed to be loved by them, Cute Boy and B & M. To know that Cute Boy is comfortable with our relationship means the world to me. Not only are B & M coming for dinner, but Cute Boy is doing all the work and cooking too. Awwwww, he does my heart good.

After a week of trials and turbulence, life is taking on an easy pace, although still hectic. Things with the house are still all about cleaning organizing and unpacking. I love it!

Pics are coming. I promise they are going to be here before the end of the week. That is my mini goal. Don't want to over do it too much.

Happy healthy days to you!

Calgon, Please?

Where, oh where do I begin?

Cute Boy, Princess and I are in the house. Life is plugging along. We are all busy with trying to figure things out and to find the best possible way to situate furnishings in our new home. Those that know me well know how anal retentive I am about mess and clutter. I want things to be just so! I struggle with the perception of being a bitch and I guess if I come off that way, I come off that way.

I feel overwhelmed with the amount of work still needing to be done. Curtains need to be hung, boxes still to be unpacked (and sorted - not mine). This blending of two lives into one house is very challenging and a lot more work than I'm enjoying. I have to remember to be patient and tolerant. If I can get the same in return, life will once again be enjoyed by all!

This frantic activity that swirls around is not only playing havoc with my head and emotions, but with my gym time too. I've had to take Princess in to school for exams since I'm not sure about the bus schedule as of yet. I'm drained and I know my best solution to the stress is to find time for me and that me time would best be put to use running my ass off via a treadmill. I'm not a cold weather runner, other than the Resolution Run that I do with K-Pow on New Year's day.

I will get this head crap figured out, as well as the time constraints that I'm suffering right now. I'm on days next week and hopefully K-Pow and I can maybe hit the gym for a little squash game. Now, that sounds like a fun and great way to get a sweat on!

For those anxious to see pics of the house, I'm trying. I've taken a video with my phone, but don't know how to get it off my phone. Computer ignorance showing it's ugly face. I've not taken pics yet to share because it is a mess and I will NOT post pics of the house as it sits, but once it's clean we'll be golden!

WI Success

Well, my weigh in this morning. What can I say? Are you anxiously awaiting my results?

I was more apprehensive for this weigh in that I can remember of any in my recent history. I've eaten not the greatest, but tried to be conscientious of healthy choices over those not so healthy. Work outs were done, but not many. The head games were played and the water consummed.

I'm down 1.2lbs to 133.6lbs! I'm blown away!!! Go Team Lynn!

I'm moving today so I will be hit and miss on the computer and your blogs for the remainder of the weekend. I'm rooting for you! I'm here for you in spirit, if not in type written word.

As for a few questions that have been asked of me.... I've not had a Kashi bar yet, but I'm toting one around in my bag as we speak. It will be eaten at some point during the next couple days while life is nuts and the move is being done.

I will take pics of the house once I'm really there and have a minute to call my own.

Until next time, healthy thoughts to you!

All Over The Map With Things

House Chatter ~
I'm at work which enables me more time to read and stitch and just be a bum! I love this shift (6p-2am) and I hate this shift. I love it for the quiet time it allows, but get so sick of 2am bed time. This is my last shift this week since I booked Thursday and Friday off to move. You see that - MOVE! I'm finally moving.

This move has been a work in progress for 1 year and 10 days! Cute Boy and I looked at that most amazing house January 4th of 2008! Can you believe it's been that long? I can and can't. Those of you that have been around for a while, remember the renovations?! Goodness, how could you forget them!

I packed up about 10 boxes today. Do I really need 6 boxes/totes of clothing? A box of just flip flops? Flip Flops! An entire box of flip flops and the same with baseball hats? How many heads do I have?

BLBE/Healthy Lifestyle/Gym Thoughts ~
Not much been going on. I had lofty dreams of making it to the gym this week, but it just isn't going to happen. The eating has been scary to be generous in trying to describe. I fully expecting a gain. I have no one to blame but myself. I'm better than I've shown my team this week. I'm better than this for myself, too! Damn it. Soon though, very soon there will be no more excuses.

I did fall in food love this morning. I knew I was going to be out of bed rather early from a 2am bedtime and didn't want to eat garbage on the go while doing lawyer stuff for the house, so I took with me a Salba Organic bar (tried to find a good pic on line and couldn't). It was absolutely one of the best things I've ever eaten. It was crunchy and seedy (love seeds) and the flavour was awesome and only 4 points. It is a great cheater breakfast for those days when life gets in the way of a sit down breakfast for me. I will definitely be carrying of those babies around in my purse from now on. Ya me!

BLBE Team ~
I think I'm caught up on all your blogs. I'm pretty positive I've commented on everyone's blog. If not, I apologize. I'm working on getting Angie's team blogs added to their folder and I will get to caught up them soon enough! For the first time since the teams were formed, I've had my google reader down to under 100 entries! You are an inspiring bunch of people. I'm really looking forward to kicking this thing in to high gear with each and every one of you.

Stitching/Reading ~
I've been reading and stitching here at work this week while working this crazy shift. I can't see much of either hobby being done in the next couple days. I'm hoping to have a WIP to post tomorrow. I'm about an hour outside of a pic on Enchanted Fairy. She is a pretty one. I guess the only way to get the time block done is to step back from the keyboard and put needle to fabric.

To all my readers, far and wide - You're awesome!

Happy healthy days to you. Those of my stitcher friends, may the frog be busy doing what frogs do when not wrecking havoc on unsuspecting stitchers pieces.

MAWWHHH

Gold, Las Vegas, Carey, D-Day

I'm so glad I went to the gym yesterday to start towards a healthier happier heart. You think I'd take that and build from it, but no! What do I do but go home and spend hours in front of my television watching Canada's Junior hockey team win their 5 gold medal in as many years.

What a game it was! You see, I'm not a passive sports fan. Truth be told, I'm a screamer. My poor dog will never be the same. Between the screaming of Cute Boy and myself, I think Miss Daisy thinks she's in t-r-o-u-b-l-e! She was comedic entertainment in an otherwise stressful evening!

Those kids are incredible. What poise they showed in the face of diversity, including finger biting and back of the head punches from the Swedish players. I know emotions can run high in such a situation, but the lack of composure shown and poor sportsmanship was glaring in the way the Swedish players were attacking the Canadians. I'm biased, yes, but I'm also fair. I was so disappointed to see such blatant penalties and lose of composure. I'm not the greatest at noticing penalties, but last night even I could have called the game!

~~~~~~~~~~
Cute Boy came home from work yesterday with a question for me: What would you think about going to see a Nascar race, March 1st, in Las Vegas? Holy, what did you say??? No thinking about it! I'm there! A co-worker and his wife are huge Nascar fans and are going to Las Vegas to the race and invited us along because they know I'm a big fan. Cute Boy - not so much.

Cute Boy is a little concerned it might be a bit too soon after buying the house. He may be right. I do think it might do us well to get away for a bit, part and parcel because of all the drama and stress of the house. Not to mention, Vegas in March has to be a hell of a lot better than Ontario in March!

The plan will be discussed over the next couple days and we will be making a decision soon!

~~~~~~~~~~
Call me spoiled. Cute Boy came home from work with a Carey Price t-shirt for me. We are going to see Montreal play Ottawa in March, so I've been whining about wanting a Carey Price piece of clothing and I'm my way to getting one. The only shirt that could be purchased was a child's medium. It fits, but we are going to keep looking for a woman's small. I can't wait to be Carey Price proud with my new shirt!

~~~~~~~~~~
D-Day (otherwise known as closing day) January 15th! Cute Boy was talking with Derek (building contact) and the final walk through is January 15th, so barring any complications the move will take place that weekend.

Can you say excited? I'm excited, apprehensive and every emotion you can imagine in between.

There is so much to be packed in the condo and organizing to be done. Sometimes it doesn't pay to be anal retentive.

I can say without a doubt I'm ecstatic to have this condo living phase of my life behind me.

Time To Start Packing

I am now the proud owner of a SOLD sign on my FOR SALE sign. I've had an offer on my house since last Tuesday. I didn't post about it until I had all my ducks in a row.

The offer was a clean offer. The only conditions on the offer were financing, inspection and insurance, with a closing date of September 5th. My birthday! The only concern for me was the inspection, since financing was already a done deal, according to the buyer's agent. It is usually put in an offer just to safe guard for a way out in case something doesn't go according to their plan.

The funny thing about this particular couple buying my house, I was in the house when the arrived for the showing. They showed up 40 minutes early! I was just taking laundry down to the laundry room, Daisy was running around, the radio was still on. My arms were full of books to be returned to the library and I walk to the front door and an agent walking down the street to my house with this young couple in tow. The dirty laundry was thrown in to my purse (thank goodness my purse is big) and the dog was leashed up and out the door we headed with arms weighted down with about 40lbs of library books. Daisy was great she stood on the front landing barking at them. I felt like an idiot, although they were so early, but I jokingly said, to enjoy the welcoming from my mouthy pooch. They just laughed and said they understand, they have a dog too.

3 hours after the showing I had an offer. That was a surreal moment if ever. Since the offer was simple, I countered back with another price and the only chattels included are my curtains and lights. They accepted my increased counter offer, so that is good! The hot tub is not included in the offer, so I'm in the process of selling that as we speak.

Mentioning selling things, I'm actually in the process of selling my sectional couch from the rec room and my kitchen table. I've already sold my crock pot, my patio set, barbecue and lawn mower. I will be selling my fridge, stove, washer and dryer. Cute Boy and I, as much as we don't want to create and carry a huge debt load are going to buy a front loading washer and dryer set when we're in the new house.

The major dilemma that faces us right now is the finding of another house to live in from the first of September until the middle to end of December at the latest. Cute Boy has a line on a place, but we're not 100% on it yet. We have an appointment set up for Sunday morning. Our agent is working on that end of things too and we could have rented his parent's place for the duration, but there is a dog allergy. Miss Daisy doesn't aggravate allergies because she has hair not fur, but it still will not work for us.

Things are definetely moving forward and I for one, couldn't be happier! I'm one day and one step closer to living one life not three! Thanks for being here for me throughout this first part of my journey.

Showings

Showing #6 - Sunday afternoon's showing was the second showing by the agent with the special needs client. I've heard nothing so I guess that would be a no.

Showing #7 - Today between 1:30-2:30p. Who is to know what will come of it. Keep your fingers crossed.

I'm just on my way over to Walmart to pick up some cleaning supplies. I need to wash the windows, something I absolutely despise. I will sweep when I get home and vacuum the rec room.

Oh, news of a different nature in regards to houses. The neighbour attached to me is selling now too! He told me on Friday night that him and his wife are going to list their house. I just about choked! Part of the reason is that he is ex-military and has 1 more free move that he can use within the next year. Since I'm moving they are concerned with the quality of their new neighbours and they have 5 people living in an 1100 square foot semi. It would be a little crowded to say the least.

I talked to one half of my agent last night and she said it could/should be a good thing. If he prices higher than mine it will look better for me. She also believes my house is in good enough shape to withstand the pressure of a house in close proximity to mine being for sale. I feel a little less like someone punched me in the gut, but not much!

That's about all I have to share today!

Showings And More

No sooner did I hit enter button on my blog entry of yesterday, and my agent called with another showing.

Showing # 4 - This showing was being done by the agent, no client. The agent is looking at houses on behalf of her special needs client. I'm not sure what the needs are, but she wanted to see if my house could convert for her client. I'm never made aware of the impressions of the people walking through the house, so if the house is suitable or not, I don't know.

Princess didn't go too far since the agent told mine it was okay for people to be home. The agent did tell Princess that she liked the house, how bright and open it is. Good to hear. The house may not be right for this client, but maybe one of her other clients.

Showing # 5 - Is this morning 9:45-10:45am. Princess is not happy. She has to get up early and leave the house. This makes for a very snippy Princess! I went to bed shortly after getting the message last night because I didn't want to be around a grumpy Princess.

~~~~~~~~~~
I'm working 6-2's this coming week. I should be able to have some stitching to share in that time. I would certainly hope I do anyway! Seeing this really is supposed to be a stitching blog and lately is has been saga after saga.

~~~~~~~~~~
I weighed in today! Why in the hell do I bother? I've felt like crap these last couple days. I don't mean physically like crap in terms of being sick, but not liking my body crap. I knew it was going to be a terrible WI. It was! BLEH! Oh hell who cares anymore.

I've not run all week and I have a 10K to do in 2 days. I'll be doing it, albeit I'm not sure how the heck I'm going to do mentally. As worried as I am, I'm really looking forward to it. The challenge, the sense of accomplishment at the end is an awesome feeling. That feeling in itself should be enough to push me through my issues. Oh, I have issues alright.

Happy days to you all!

Housing Pimp

My house has been officially on the market for 1 week today and in that week I've had 3 showings.

I'm finding I feel like a virgin on her wedding night with this whole house thing. I get anxious and the pressure of having things 'just so' is insane. It's how I'm wired. I wish I wasn't such a high strung critter, but I am. Princess has yet to hurt me, so all is good.

Showing #1 - Within hours of listing -- Didn't expect it to happen that quick. Princess was getting ready for work when the request came in. She was running around trying to get ready for work and overall straighten up. The house was already fine, but it needed to be as close to perfect as she could get it. She's a chip off the old block. Daisy was picked up and babysat by Cute Boy.

Showing #2 - Monday afternoon - Again Princess was the one home since I was at work. This kid is incredible. Princess was just brushing her teeth when the agent and potential buyers showed up at the door. When I got the panic toned phone call from her, I couldn't help but bust a gut laughing at her. She's out walking the dog trying to waste time until she thinks it's safe to return.

Showing #3 - Last night right in the middle of dinner hour. - Off we go, Princess and Daisy in tow to the local conservation area for a long walk. What a wonderful way to spend an hour. Princess in the elements. Not a common happening anymore.

I have to say the one thing I love about this house business is having the house so clean all the time. I used to be driven to keep an exceptionally clean house, but in recent years I've not taken the time to do so as of late.

Keep your fingers crossed for a successful showing sooner rather than later.

Freaking Foot Pain

I don't know how I did it, but I hurt my left foot really badly today when running. I had a terrible run, but nothing that indicated any kind of pain whatsoever. I mean, I had muscle pain, but most runs there will be some sort of muscle fatigue and what feels like pain. It wasn't until I was back at the house and stretching that I felt this incredible ache in my left foot. Pain is located on the outer bone that runs on the outside of my foot midway towards the back of my heel.

I'm unable to put pressure on my foot without wincing in pain and pulling up on the heel. I'm basically walking normal with my right foot and tip toeing on my left. Looking good, I am! Such a beautiful fluid gait. NOT! I've been taking pain meds and have it elevated while I was trying to sleep. 'Trying' is the imperative word there. I've not slept a wink all night. I'm too busy for an injury! Damn it!

~~~~~~~~~~
I've not been training all that much for my upcoming 10K run. With that being said, I'm not even sure I'll be able to run it now! I did run my longest run today. Very very exciting. It was a total mental run. I felt sluggish the whole time. No pain at all, but just as though it was my mind pushing me rather than my legs. I'll keep you posted on the eventual run or cancellation of said run. I really hope I can do this, one for myself and the other for Krista.

~~~~~~~~~~
Princess is back from her dad's by now, obviously. I have yet to post about it only because I've been blog blah! Sorry. Her time was good she tells me. She was due home on Sunday afternoon, but without fail she texts me on Saturday afternoon that she wont be home until Monday now because he dad wants to take her to the MuchMusic Video Awards. I don't begrudge the child the opportunity to do something really cool like that, but it is typical that he not follow through with bringing her home or picking her up at pre-determined time.

I got a text message from her on Sunday night stating they were home earlier than expected and she'd tell what happened when she sees me. 'What happened' is always a comment used when describing something involving her dad. Oh, how glad I am that I don't live his life anymore! Apparently throughout the day standing watching the shows be rehearsed, his girlfriend got in to a fight with some woman. Lo and behold he was shoving someone around too at one point... auuuughhhh!

Other than the fighting incident she didn't talk too much about her time up there. She mentioned all the animals they have: cat, dog, 4 birds, if not more, iguana and whatever else I'm not sure. It is always a problem when she comes back she wants to go on an animal buying/adopting spree. I find multiple animal ownership representative to a certain lifestyle. Not my cup of tea.

~~~~~~~~~~
On the animal front: Princess bought her sister and sister's boyfriend a joint birthday present. A kitten. I'm so frustrated and disappointed I can't even tell you. My aforementioned multiple animal lifestyle type of thing, I feel Queenie falls in this category I'm so sorry to say. This is a male kitten that is going to 'squirt' and really stink at one point. With little money, how is it these kids are going to be able to pay to get him fixed?

Why is it those that can least afford things such as animals and appropriate health care for these animals are the ones that own multiple pets? I just don't get it. I have Daisy and love her to bits and I struggle with the cost of vet appointments and grooming upkeep. I still have yet to get her fixed because of the cost. I couldn't imagine the cost of owning more than 1 pet and the responsibility of that care and expense. I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

~~~~~~~~~~
I've not been stitching at all. I'm working 2p-10p this coming week, so that is good for approximately an 1 hour per night. I can maybe get more in if I'm diligent, but usually I putter the night away and only accomplish an hour. That should be good to another update pic though. That would make me happy.

~~~~~~~~~~
I'm working on getting my house ready to list. I have a few minor jobs to do and then it is major cleaning time. I'm hoping to have my place on the market mid-week. It is a lot of work, but work I'm really enjoying. I'm not sure with this foot injury how productive I'm going to be tomorrow, but I'll persevere. I always do.

I look at every day right now, as one day closer to living one life and not 2 or 3. That is very exciting for me. I'm run ragged most of the time and it is because of all the pressure I put on myself to do this, do that, be here, be there. I don't know that anyone really understands or cares to understand that amount of pressure I feel most every day keeping things going in my life. The balls are many, from the house, to my finances (I'm freaking about them), to my personal time, running, trying to eat healthy, just trying to fit it all in. I'm exhausted

~~~~~~~~~~
Cute Boy and I met with our real estate agent Thursday night to go over the contract agreement for the building of our house. It is a lot of information, but we are learning lots. I can't wait to start looking at samples and stuff. I thought the sample looking and choosing would be quite some time yet, but apparently not. I'll keep you updated on that situation as it plays out.

I'm really looking forward to the excitement of building. I think it is going to be lots of fun. So far, the company we're dealing with has been really good. I hope that is something that continues. They will stay in contact with us throughout the process and tell us what we need to decide and when. We will book appointments to look at brick front, schedule with electricians, painters, cable installers all that. It sounds like a lot of work, but a ton of fun too.

I think I'm most looking forward to the kitchen cabinetry and flooring selection. They are the big ones for me. Cute Boy seems more about multiple outlets and wiring for the audio in the basement/rec room. I know he's more involved than that, but he mentions them alot. Such a guy thing. Gotta love 'em!

~~~~~~~~~~
Well, seeing it is 2:30 am and I should be sleeping, I'm going to try and do just that. I don't hold out much hope. Just thinking of laying down again, I can feel a throbbing in my foot! AUUUGGGHHH Oh well, shit happens.

~~~~~~~~~~~
One very exciting thing I forgot to mention, K-Pow, Lisa, Isabelle (2 girls from ball) and myself are going to do a girl's camping weekend. We are just in the early stages of talking and planning. I can hardly wait. It will be a blast. I can already imagine the sore stomach muscles from laughing so much, not to mention the killer headache from a massive hangover. This will go a long way towards recharging my exhausted personal battery. This is something I really need and hope that we can pull it together! Such fun to be had.

Now, I'm finally off to bed.

As I say to Cute Boy, I shall say to you:

Sweet dreams,

~T xoxoxo

Going Going Gone!

This would be where I tell you, Cute Boy's house sold yesterday!

I couldn't be happier. The closing date on his house is mid-August, at which point he'll be moving in with me, Princess and the dog.

My house is not yet listed, nor is it ready. I'm hoping to have it market ready by the first week of July. There isn't a lot to be done, but the perfectionist in me will be freaking out until the day the sign is installed.

My real estate agent is confident in my house selling fast. Watch it sit for ages! Yikes. The challenge will be trying to co-ordinate the closing of my house to the completion of the one we're having built. It promises to be interesting. Cute Boy and I are already talking about the fact that we may have to rent a house/cottage or apartment for a few months. Now this all depends on my closing date, of course.

Cute Boy and I will be meeting with the money guy sometime next week, we'll also be signing the contract with the builders and what comes after that, who is to know!

I'm feeling somewhat overwhelmed at all the unknowns. I'm excited for the melding of our two lives, and anxious on so many other levels.

I'll keep you posted on what is to come and all the fun involved.

Chattering and Nattering

It seems as though it's been a while since I've just chattered on about things.

Nothing much going on really. Life is just plugging away.

I'm working full time days now with weekends off. That is pretty exciting although I must admit I'm really struggling with getting things done. I find the 2 days off go so quickly and nothing much gets accomplished. It has been 9 years since I last had any semblance of normalcy to my life. It is an adjustment to say the least.

I'm in a very weird mood today. I'm feeling very stretched again, living two lives. Running between the time in my personal life to the time in my home life, still my personal life, but you know what I mean. I'm stretched to my limit and the pull and responsibility of juggling both is starting to get to me again. I haven't felt like this in a long time, but last night and into today it is right front and center. Blah! Go away yucky feelings and leave me alone.

There is an open house at Cute Boy's house today 2-4p. I hope it goes well. I'm really eager to get things moving in a forward direction so we can get on with our lives together as opposed to these two separate lives, sometimes together! I did a bunch of work at his place yesterday, as did he. It looks great! I really hope there is some interest today! Keep your fingers crossed, okay?

Things with Princess are going well. She is working quite a lot which she likes, for the money. She is a good little worker. I am so incredibly proud of her. She is coming in to her first summer of working and she's not looking forward to the expectations and demands, which I can't say I blame her. She is concerned about missing out on the fun of summer if she's working most weekends. I can completely sympathize with her. I wish I could be the kind of parent that could completely support all her wants and whims and she didn't have to work. I know that isn't the smart way, that she needs to learn responsibility and the value of a dollar.

She is going to her Dad's on Wednesday and staying until Sunday. She's looking forward to going, although I'm a nervous wreck about it all. It is never that he hurts her, or Queenie for that matter, it's just the concern of her being gone for so many days, her emotional well-being, her sense of being valued that I worry most about. Nothing major though! The nasty talking about me has subsided some, but I never trust that it will last. I'm not naive enough to think it will, I just pray for her sake he keeps the personal pot shots to a minimum. It's such an emotional drain on her and it breaks my heart to see her dealing with such unnecessary emotional stress.

I'm off now to clean my house, which you would really consider as 'Rounding Up The Bunnies'. I just sent Pam an e-mail telling her that the big bunnies in the corner look nice enough, until you reach to touch them and they take off your fingers. I'm going to have to name them soon, if I don't seriously send them packing!

Oh, I almost forgot and this is the biggest news of all. I ran 10K today. I know there are many out there that do this and can do this with one hand tied behind their back, but this is my longest run to date! I ran with K-Pow and I did the entire thing 10/1's which is another huge for me! I'm so proud of myself. I couldn't have done it without Krista, and I know it. I probably could have covered the distance, but to do the entire 10:1's I would have wimped out! The humidity was killer, but I felt awesome at the end of it. That's what it's all about. Right?!

Okay, enough dawdling I'm really off to clean the house now!

I Miss Me

I've been doing a bit of thinking that last day or so and I write this with a bit of heavy heart.

I had an e-mail from Krista yesterday and it was good to just chatter about things and then.... there is a question and a statement. The statement - I miss you! It was a simple statement but something that really hit home for me. I miss her too and I told her so. As my fingers flew over the keys in response to her e-mail, I found I was telling her I miss me too!

I miss the me that use to laugh more than not. I miss being able to sit in front of the television with my stitching or curling up on the couch with my book and a tea. I miss hanging out with my friends and the ability to just let go. I miss the free flow to my days, that are now consumed with renovations and thoughts of what must be done, how to do it and how to pay for it. I know this is a temporary thing, but it seems to be never ending. Princess is house exhausted and sick of listening to the non-stop chatter about what needs to be done and how. Poor kid. That is not the fun of a 14 y.o. princess life. She is a princess and would like to be treated as such.

I miss the gym. Okay, maybe I only miss the thought of the gym, not so much the work that I have to put forth. I am going to make an effort to get there 3x in the coming week. I really want to be healthier, leaner and I want to get back in to those smaller jeans! I want to run and feel the burn of muscles working and pulsing. I will do this! I want it, but do I want it enough?

All this being said, I think my housing jobs are starting to come together and I might be getting closer to discovering me again. I hope, anyways. I'm down to 12 jobs that need to be completed and then I will be listing the house. As soon as the house is clean and listed I'm taking myself to the spa for a much needed massage. I have a gift card given to me by Cute Boy for Christmas. It is worth $150.00 and I'm thinking I might plan a day for both Princess and I to unwind after the turmoil of our turned upside down house.

I'm taking a little 'me' time today too, visiting Velda. I should be there in about an hour and I'm really looking forward to just hanging out and catching up!

Life is a Whirlwind

I don't know how my life can get so out of control sometimes. I know I have lots going on at times and then there are times I'm in such a lull that nothing happening.

I've bounced back from the loss of 'our' house. I had been secretly hoping the financing and stuff would fall through for the other couple. I don't like being selfish, but I was really seriously hoping something would go awry for the perspective buyers. No such luck! We found out today, it is a firm done deal. Well, congratulations to them! :) In all seriousness, it is a stunningly beautiful home, I do hope the buyers find a lifetime of happiness there. The setting is certainly perfect for it.

I've been a bit remiss in keeping my blog updated in regards to my house renovations. My bathroom is not 100% complete yet, but I can understand the reasons for it. I have a tub, shower, sink, linen tower and vanity. I got the new door installed today and the knobs put on the vanity and linen tower. All that remains is the drywall work, the painting of the walls, the door and the trim work. My contractor is trying to find a drywaller that will come in and drywall the bathroom areas that need repair as well as my basement and the headers. It is a small job and drywallers don't want to come out for anything less than a whole house. Small job; coulda fooled me. I thought the job was huge. Shows ya what I know!

I've made a decision about the flooring for my computer room. I went to End of the Roll today to get an estimate - NO THANK YOU! The computer room dimensions aren't huge. They are 6 stairs, a section 3'x4' and then the main computer room 8.5' x 36'. To buy carpet it would have been just shy $600 + $220ish to install it.... somewhere around $800. Holy, I think not. Todd and I went over to Home Depot, which I love by the way, and laminate flooring would cost me $200+ and then I'll do oak stair treads and still come in way under $800. The laminate flooring isn't the best quality, but it's better than the alternative. The best part of this new deal is that Home Depot has no interest, no payments for 1 full year and Todd is going to put the flooring on his credit card and then I'll have a full year to pay it off. I'm breathing a huge sigh of relief. I was very apprehensive about the estimate for this room and I now know why. It is insanely expensive to do carpet and had a gut feeling it would be. Trust the instincts!

Todd and I have been doing some talking about our options now... buy a pre-owned home or build. We are thinking of staying in the city, or outer city limits for now. It would be prudent to do this for the next 5 years and then decide if we want to sell and look to the country for living. Doing this 5 year plan would enable Lily to grow up some more, gain some more independence and make the overall transition for her a lot easier.

The thing Todd and I are pondering is, buy a pre-owned home and sell in 5 years, or build and stay longer... build what we want and make a commitment to stay in it longer than we would if it were a pre-owned. So many decisions and major ones to consider. We went to a friend of Todd's today that just built a home in June. OMG what a home. 1400 sq feet and it seemed as though it were 1800, just from the way they've designed the layout. They used every available sq foot to the maximum. I left their house more confused than when I went in. I love it though. The house is gorgeous, the decorating is amazing and the idea of doing what we want is really tempting. A lot of work and a lot of pressure, but oh so tempting.

I think today has resulted in more questions than answers. Oh, to know what to do. Am I supposed to be having fun yet? I've barely slept in almost a month. I go to bed at night and sleep awesome for about 2-4 hours and then the rest of the night I'm up tossing and turning with my head running in circles. I'm driving myself insane. I've not been to the gym in over 2 weeks. I'm frustrated in that respect, but when I'm laying awake at 3am, the thought of getting out of bed for 5am is more than I can bear. I really wish I could slow myself down and not be such a raving lunatic!

On that note I'm off to do a bit of stitching before bed. I miss the quiet and grounding I get from my stitching. Long winded post tonight, sorry about that!

Happy stitching days to you!

This Is A Tough One

Well, Cute Boy and I didn't get the house. My heart is a wee bit broken, but there is nothing to be gained by being sad. I will do my best to compose this entry and not cry. I've only cried once today, just a few little tears. All the wonderfully supportive e-mails I received from friends, it was the one that read: When God closes a door, He opens a window, that made me cry. I don't know why those words specifically, but they really struck a chord.

I had good and bad vibes about the offer going in last night. As I said in a previous post, there was another couple interested in the house. Go figure! The house sits on the market for months, the listing expires and then there are 2 couples wanting it. Us and someone else. They offered quite a bit more money than we did, and less conditions. I thought the offer amount we submitted was a good offer, and with countering back and forth there was room for movement from both sides. Todd doesn't have the particulars about the other offer, but they must have been pretty close to asking price. They also didn't have as many conditions as our offer. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

I didn't tell Princess there was an offer going in last night. There was no need for her to be thinking about this, and worrying about it unnecessarily, especially the night before her first ever high school exam. When Cute Boy called today with the news that our offer wasn't accepted, I told Princess we didn't get the house. She told me she was sorry.

I talked to her later in the afternoon, when there was little chance I would cry. I'm such a baby! I asked her if she was happy now that we didn't get the house. It may sound as though I asked her with tone, but I didn't it was just a simple question. Her answer was honest, and I respect that more than I can tell you. She said, 'Yes, I'm happy now'. I told her that I pretty much figured she would be happy. She said she's sorry we didn't get the house because Cute Boy and I both wanted it, and that she's sorry for being honest and saying she's happy about something that may sadden both Cute Boy and I. I respect and appreciate her honesty. I would be more upset if she'd said 'No', because I would know she was lying.

This is where I am mentally. A little sad and a lot disappointed! I'm been burrowing in to my rec room today with Job's Tears and stitching away my afternoon while the bathroom renovations carry on around me!

For each and every comment that I've received during the process of looking at this house, fixing mine, dealing with my Princess, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I am more blessed than a girl deserves. Every single one of you rock!

Happy stitching days to you!

A Mini Cold Front Has Moved In

I've been delaying this post for the entire day. Now, that I'm dogged tired, is probably not the best time to start either. On second thought, it might just be THE best time since I'll be less guarded in how I impart my feelings and thoughts.

Todd and I went to look at THE house yesterday. OMG I can't even begin to describe to you how beautiful it is. There is a minor/major catch right now though. The listing for the house ran out on Wednesday, so the house isn't officially on the market at the moment. It has been on for a bit now and had a few serious offers, but deals fell through. The deals didn't fall through because of problems with the house, but for what I believe is stupid reasons on the part of the buyer. The one person/couple couldn't secure financing (unfortunate for them) and the other person wanted a new furnace installed in the garage. Seriously?

The house has a porch around 3/4 of the house. It is awesome. What I could see of it under the snow, anyway. When we walked up the front stairs, right off we saw 2 perfectly formed bird's nests. They were soooo pretty. Can bird's nests be pretty? The property is 2.5 Acres and it is surrounded by views of water and trees on every side. There are neighbours, but you don't see them from any of the windows really, and if you do it's not something you notice right away.

The kitchen is beautifully laid out with a gorgeous island center and cupboards galore with crown moulding, which adds a real finished look. The counter top is in really good shape. There would be room for my 'country kitchen table'. Oh, if you could have seen how excited I got at the thought of that. There are newly installed french doors leading out from the kitchen to the porch. Oh my word!

The master bedroom/en suite is huge with stunning views. If I'm saying stunning views in winter, you can only imagine what I'll be like in the fall, because let me make one thing crystal clear - I Hate Winter! The 2 other bedrooms are a good size and very workable.

The stairs to the basement are super wide with french doors to the side of the stairs leading to the laundry/storage room. The basement is drywalled, but the ceiling work has yet to be done. There is enough room down there to install another bathroom and bedroom if you choose. A pool table would also fit along with the bedroom. The possibilities with the basement alone are endless.

There is a detached garage with a loft - baseball party central if I've ever seen one. It is large enough to be a double car garage, but right now is a single with a doorway.

As happy as I am that both Todd and I love the house there is a sense of sadness in me because of Lily. It's not that I blame her, I really don't it's just that I would like one time in this 'new' life of mine that I not get resistance about every single thing I do. It is exhausting. I will remember I am the mother and I will make the decisions that impact this family.

I love both of my children, as much as they are both in different places right now, I want nothing more than for them to be happy in life and grow to be positive contributors to society, be healthy and find peace in life. Lily and I have become a lot closer since Alyssa isn't home now and I guess what I really want is for the one person I'm closest to and love so very much, to be happy for me and not so caught up in how everything is going to affect her. Is that selfish of me? I'm not sure. I don't think it is. I've always had a difficult time standing up for myself and putting myself ahead of others, but I really want this. I think, even considering all the changes in store Todd and I could make a good life together!

I made reference to a 'mini cold front moving in' and that would be in direct reference to Lily's attitude. She is quiet. I understand the quiet, I get like that when I'm heavy in thought or extremely tired myself. I don't know what to think and does it really matter what I think? I'm just going about my day to day business and doing things as I always do and hopefully that in itself will give her some sense of security.

I don't know! I'm just torn because I'm so happy, but have the cloud of doom from Lily hanging over my head. Imagine when things really start to move. Todd and I know we both want country living and this house is the area we want and the price is right as well. Things right now are in the earliest of stages and the child is not dealing well. How are things going to go when I have the sign put on the front lawn? What will she do when/if my house sells and things really start moving, literally and figuratively? Oh, if nothing else, life will prove to be interesting in the coming months.

Thanks for sticking with me until the end of this post. As much as it's all over the place, I know in my heart of hearts what I want and what I think will make me very happy. So, with that final thought, I conclude this entry.

Love ya's