Long Time Gone

Sometimes I wonder why I haven't deleted my blog yet?

I love my blog. I really do, but I just don't make time for it anymore. It makes me sad to think that I don't make time for myself to express my thoughts, feelings and silly life happenings anymore.

I come here periodically and dump info and then run again. My blog has become a hit and run blog. Poor thing!

I will try to be kinder, gentler and more considerate in the future.

Since I've last visited I have done the following:

• Walked a half marathon (3 hrs +)


• Walked a 10.5K (1hr 41m)


• Gained and lost the same 10lbs - bleh

Wedding Related Stuff

• Was given a beautiful engagement ring (finally ::) Seriously worth the wait


• Set a date


• Chose a reception location (still waiting on word from chef/organizer)


• Have been flipping and flopping on some decisions (grrrr)


• Made a major decision on a surprise element for Cute Boy (down payment tomorrow)


• Have been searching high and low for a certain type of shoe. Getting closer!

I think that is all the stuff that I have to share, or that I think you would be interested in reading about. :)

Until next time, and hopefully that doesn't translate to a month from now.... take care!

Balance Board

You know you're struggling with your weight when a loss of .6lb has you fist pumping like a lottery winner.



I felt like a lottery winner when I stepped off that scale this morning.

There was a time when the losses and stay the sames, weren't a bad thing, and it seemed to come easy. I say easy, but I don't mention the 6 days, 8-10 hours I spent in the gym each week. The careful watching of food I ate. The gym and lifestyle were great, but looking back now I see as off balance.

Today, my life has balance. It has some running. No weight training. I hate weight training at home and I hate weight training alone! My life has beer and healthy eating. My life has a man that is not pushing himself or me for something more than what we currently have in our life right now.

There was this moment that happened about 6 weeks ago. My oldest daughter was here when I was getting dressed, and I know not the best message to send to a 19 y.o., but in the end the lesson was taught to me.

Not a lot of clothes fit me right now. I refuse to go shopping to get bigger sizes. I just refuse. That feels to me that I'm giving in to be this weight and I don't want to do that. So, in that line of thought, refusing to shop, I will get back to my story regarding my daughter and the life lesson.

I was getting dressed and I had put on this particular pair of carpi's that I have owned for years. I owned them when I was with my ex-husband and they fit well when I bought them. I continued weight training and running on the treadmill and biking at the gym. The pants got to being unflattering and extremely saggy bummed. He told me time after time that they didn't compliment me and my hard work, that I should throw them out. I continually said I'd keep them for a day that I was just grubbing around the house. The pants never got thrown out, but the marriage ended and the husband is on his way to be coming an ex-husband.

Fast forward to when I was going to wear these pants the other day. I put them on because they are a go-to pair that fit when most everything else is too small. I put the pants on and did them up and then uncontrolled tears just silently rolled down my cheeks until I was sobbing. My daughter walks in and sees me and asks what is wrong and I tell her these pants didn't fit to the point that I should have gotten rid of them and now they are fitting like they should, so much so that I have to put them in to regular rotation! I was so sad.

I've raised a very wise and intuitive daughter. Much wiser than I realized until this particular conversation. Her response was: You and Dad lived your life together and at the gym. You both looked great, but at what cost? You were at they gym working out and getting healthier and Dad was at the gym working out so he could look good to go out and cheat on you. You don't want that and you know you don't. You come home to a man that loves you. He has never made a comment about your weight, he thinks you look great. You come home from work and sit with him on the couch. You talk. You laugh. You have a beer with him and watch the hockey game. You are happy. Which would you want? The life of being thinner than you are now at the gym all the time, trying to please Dad, or feel and look like you do, with a man, like Cute Boy that loves you for you!

Pretty smart girl, huh?

I was crying when I put the pants on and I was crying at that moment. To have such love and support, but most important validation that I did what I could when I could. It was a moment that really impacted me and still does. I am truly blessed with people that understand I struggle with where I was when I was heavier than I want, where I was in my head when I was smaller and how I am still struggling with how I feel as I've gained some of the weight back.

I am working towards the balance and for today, I think I have it!

I am happy with a loss and I am happy to know that eventually I will figure out what best works for me in getting to where I am comfortable and that do that I don't need to be in the gym 6 days a week, sometimes twice a day. I don't need steroids - never did them, but was pushed in that direction. I don't need work out pills. I need to drink some water. I need to ingest healthy foods. I need what I have right this very minute. People that support, love and listen.

I'm balancing really well right now!

January in Review

January in review:

What a month it has been. I can hardly believe it's just over a month since Christmas. Normally in my world, January drags on and on. I think keeping myself busy has been helpful, both for my mental state and my emotional well being.

Here are some of the things I've been doing to pass the time.

Running - 50.32KM

I've logged 12 runs for the preparation of my half marathon in May. It's only MY half marathon! Ya right. There is an estimated 35,000 people over the course of the Ottawa Run weekend. When I'm not running I'm thinking about running. It has consumed me. I have a tendency to become obsessive about certain things. I see an obsession in the making. Apologies now to those that have to listen to me drone on and on about this run or that run.

Reading - 5 books

I've read 5 books this month! I'm blown away by this one. It's been so long I can't remember when I last read 5 books in a month.

Talk Me Down - Victoria Dahl
Last Gasp - Carly Cassidy
The Last Song - Nicholas Sparks
I, Alex Cross - James Patterson
Too Close To Home - Linwood Barclay

I have another book that I'm almost finished, but it will be credited to February.

Weight Loss - 6 lbs lost

I've lost 6lbs over the course of the first month. I'm pretty happy with that. I'm still in the 140's and that part bothers me, a lot. I want to get in to the 130's again. I'm most comfortable at 125-123, so for me to be in the 140's it still seems like a long way to go. I know in reality I'm more than I number, but the mental games I play with myself and my thoughts of carrying around this extra weight weighs heavier than the weight itself. 6lbs for a month is a great start and I know this as well as anyone. I am focusing more on the running right now rather than the weight loss, but the weight is never far from the front of my thoughts. Over the course of my training I'm sure I'll lose a little bit more weight, but nothing like the 125 I want to be sitting at. One meal at a time and I'll get there eventually.

Stitching - 16h 10m

Well, I've once again discovered my desire to stitch. I'm not able to find the time at home and that is okay. I stitch at work every other week when I'm working evenings. I'm too busy at home when I'm on days getting ready for the following day to sit down and put needle to thread. I find my thoughts about my stitching have really changed. It isn't so task oriented now, it's just fun again. I don't have to push myself to get it done, just enjoy the process. I had a visit from the frogs (those non-stitchers, that is when you have rip out your work) and rather than become all stressed out it was just a matter of pulling it out and starting over. That is a wonderful place to be in regards to the love I have in stitching.

I've offered my services to Velda, but I'm not sure if she'll take me up on my offer. Time will tell. Seriously, V, if you're reading I will totally do this for you. Pam said she would do one too, and you could even start it the way you stitch - she's a lefty too! Think about it, my dear.


Personal Life

My home life is amazing. Cute Boy and I are just grooving along. Working and doing what we can when we can when we're together. He and I are great and that is no small wonder. It is wonderful.

Our children are in various states of life and that is tough. I think, tougher for me than for him, but that stands to reason I'm a more emotional critter than Cute Boy. I struggle with the place of my girls. I know things will eventually work themselves out and the girls will be stronger for it. Living through it is another story.

All in all it's been a busy month and a good month. If this doesn't prove the point that I missed my calling as a statistician, I don't know what will.

Have a great one!

Snap, Rip, Tear

What a wake up call! This last week for me has been nothing short of eye opening.

I know for a while now, too long really, I've been needing to find my way back to a healthier lifestyle and better food choices. I've been hitting the treadmill every other day since Labour Day. The timing couldn't have been better.

I'm on the early shift this week and it's a killer week. I am not friends with an alarm that demands your attention at 5am, especially when the night before my head didn't hit the pillow a minute before midnight. Add to that being woke up at 2:30am and still being awake at 3:30a... oh how I. LOVE. MY. LIFE. Not last night I didn't.

The early mornings and the fact that others are still sleeping at 5am, I always lay my clothing out the night before. I did so last night just like any other night. Fast forward to this morning, and I mean really fast forward! I got dressed in my laid out clothing. If getting dressed means shimmying my expanded hips and arse into a pair of jeans that fit great as of the beginning of the year, then that is what I did. I'm hoping up and down into these jeans, hoofing on the belt loops. I know this is a bad thing from past experience, when SNAP!!!, the belt loop gives and tears from the fabric! That was an awesome moment. I could have cried, but sadly I didn't have time to cry. I had to go search for a sweater (translate - muffin top coverage for the spillage over my jeans).... oh again - I. LOVE. MY. LIFE. Actually, this isn't really about my life, but my lifestyle!

It all begins today. It will begin again tomorrow and the next day. You get the idea. I'm done with this stupidity and my lack of changing my life. I take the pledge to do something better for me. Today. Tomorrow. The next day.

I'm going to be moving right along with those Biggest Losers. I want to be a loser too. I used to be the driven little energizer bunny. I'm not looking for that at this point and time. My life is no where near that kind of driven passion any longer. The support system isn't what it used to be and that is okay. I need to find my way back to a movement of my body, my mind and less movement of hand to mouth, hand and mouth filled with garbage food!

Since Labour Day have hit the treadmill 5x. That is 5x more than in August. I will incorporate some weights in there. I don't have the best weight system at the moment, but I can do more than I do right now. I will put to use the Oxygen magazines I buy each month. I will do this. I'm on my way. I have to learn to start over every day and trust the process.

-4.8

That is NOT the temperature outside. That is MY weight loss for this past week! I'm sooooo blown away I can't even tell you.

My body doesn't feel any different, but I'm telling you my mindset certainly does. I've been on plan this entire week. I ate all my veggies, measured everything AND got in all my waters and then some. I actually earned myself some activity points too. Only 5, but that is better than none, right?! I walked the dog 5x this week. She is happy that I'm starting to move more because she moving more too. It's a win win situation.

I don't know what I'm going to next and maybe I don't need to worry about WHAT I'm going to do as long as I'm doing something. Even something as simple as walking the dog.

I'm now 3.4lbs outside of the 120's. To be even 129 something I'll be happy. It's been a long time since I've felt like what I'm doing is making a difference. This is new for me and so exciting.

That's all! Happy days to you.

Weigh In

My weigh in this morning was awesome.

I had a 1lb loss this week. That is huge for me since I've just gotten back in to the swing of things. Prior to this I was complacent with all things regarding my weight, my health and sadly, my eating. I was always talking about changing things, getting back to the gym, eating healthier, yada yada yada... and now I'm finally doing it.

I've got a lot on my plate in the coming week with moving, work and most importantly trying to hit the gym amongst all the other demands. I want this bad enough that I'm going to make time to make myself a priority. The Energizer Bunny lives inside of me!

Post note to last night and my sleeping woes: Crabby critter came to the surface. I fell asleep on the couch to be woken up by chocolate Whoppers rolling down a milk crate type container every other minute, or so it seemed. I stomped off to bed to lay down prior to picking up Princess from work because I was so tired I felt as though I was catatonic. It was avoidance of having a snap fit too!

I took my little golden gem of a sleeping pill last night! I'm too funny, I tell ya. The pill was probably still sliding down my throat when I'm wondering why I'm not sleepy yet. I went to bed, read for a bit and then was lights out! I didn't hear Cute Boy come home from hockey and that is always good. Now, I did have trouble getting out bed this morning at 5am and felt very sluggish for the first half hour of my morning.

I am calling the doctor today because I can not, and will not go on like this any longer than I already have done. I was so out of it last night, I thought I was going insane. No more of this!

Happy Healthy Days to you!

Guess What This Is?

What is it you ask?

I'll tell you!

Jeans - 17
Capris - 8 (est. b/c some are still packed away)
Sporty - 7 (est b/c some are still packed away)
Casual - 6
Cords - 6
Dress - 3

Each number represents a pair of pants in the indicated category! Do you know how many of them still fit? Probably 8 pair, if that! That is not including the sporty pants because they are more forgiving, of course.

I've about had it. I used to be able to wear every single pair pants in that pile and now I can't even wear 1/3 of them. That is disgusting. That pile of pants is representative of so many things.

1. Financial independence
2. Financial stupidy
3. Bargain shopping - Paid full price for only one pair of pants in that pile.
4. Many hours pumping iron and running my ass off - literally
5. Separation/Divorce and poor eating on account
6. Happiness
7. Dates with Cute Boy
8. Laughter and bonding with girlfriends

Now, what the majority of that pile represents to me is: FAILURE! I've failed at maintaining my healthy weight range and my ability to stay lean. I know I'm vain. I can hear some now.

Can you imagine what Cute Boy would say if he knew I moved all those pants with me to this dinky condo and barely any of them fit me? He'd have my hide! LOL

I'm really not in as much of a blah mood as my last couple posts might indicate. Just taking stock of where I was, where I am and what I should be doing about it!

That's a lot of pants, eh. Keep in mind when I was in my marriage I might have had 5 pair of pants in total and then the weight loss began then the emotional turmoil of a marriage ending. Let me tell, as upset as I was then, I had a hell of a time shopping! The Gap, Old Navy and American Eagle, they loved me!

Showings And More

No sooner did I hit enter button on my blog entry of yesterday, and my agent called with another showing.

Showing # 4 - This showing was being done by the agent, no client. The agent is looking at houses on behalf of her special needs client. I'm not sure what the needs are, but she wanted to see if my house could convert for her client. I'm never made aware of the impressions of the people walking through the house, so if the house is suitable or not, I don't know.

Princess didn't go too far since the agent told mine it was okay for people to be home. The agent did tell Princess that she liked the house, how bright and open it is. Good to hear. The house may not be right for this client, but maybe one of her other clients.

Showing # 5 - Is this morning 9:45-10:45am. Princess is not happy. She has to get up early and leave the house. This makes for a very snippy Princess! I went to bed shortly after getting the message last night because I didn't want to be around a grumpy Princess.

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I'm working 6-2's this coming week. I should be able to have some stitching to share in that time. I would certainly hope I do anyway! Seeing this really is supposed to be a stitching blog and lately is has been saga after saga.

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I weighed in today! Why in the hell do I bother? I've felt like crap these last couple days. I don't mean physically like crap in terms of being sick, but not liking my body crap. I knew it was going to be a terrible WI. It was! BLEH! Oh hell who cares anymore.

I've not run all week and I have a 10K to do in 2 days. I'll be doing it, albeit I'm not sure how the heck I'm going to do mentally. As worried as I am, I'm really looking forward to it. The challenge, the sense of accomplishment at the end is an awesome feeling. That feeling in itself should be enough to push me through my issues. Oh, I have issues alright.

Happy days to you all!

Feeling Funky

I'm just a bundle of emotions lately and I'm trying desperately to pull myself out of it. I feel powerless on so many levels it's not even funny.

I've had some small amount of success on the WW front. I weighed in this morning ( I no longer pay for the program) and found myself with a loss of 2.6lbs. I'm over the moon about that. I've been attempting to eat better and hit the gym, although in my book 1 visit to the gym doesn't really count. Something worked out though! I'll take it. I'm finally below 130 again, and this is my lowest weight of the year at 129.6. Anywhere below 125 is good for me, although the results of this 125 won't be as spectacular as my previous 125, since I've little to no muscle tone! A girl can't have it all!

If I could just be content with the WW front of my life and not have to deal with everything else, I'd be good to go. I'm freaking out financially to the point that I'm a nervous wreck about most everything, all day long. I've made a mess as of late and I've no one to blame but myself. There has been a drastic incline with incoming money since child support is no longer being paid. I've had to cash out important nest egg investments to deal with debt created by another person that I'm unlikely to see a return from. I've had to rethink my entire financial outlook and I'm scared shitless. Lesson learned on that one!

The timing of all my financial worries couldn't come at a worse time with Cute Boy and I looking at building a house as soon as his sells. I don't have the kind of equity in my home that he does, so my scrambling to contribute dollar for dollar is going to be a major challenge. All this equates to a very stressed out me. Cute Boy and I also just received the quote for building from the contractor. Holy Hannah! It was considerably higher than we expected even with the extras we want included in the house. It is scary business.

This doesn't add to my stresses at all, I'm telling you just to be chatty. Princess (possibly Queenie and her boyfriend) are going to visit the father this weekend. It came about very suddenly. Lily is somewhat excited, somewhat annoyed for many reasons. This poor kid! She has to work this evening until 8, but will probably be off sooner, so her father is picking her up after work and taking her to his house about an hour or so out of town. He tells her she'll not get to see his girlfriend at all since the girlfriend works on Saturday, so he wants her to stay until Monday. He and I do not speak since he still believes he can talk down to me and bully me with his words, so very sadly for Princess this message came to me from her. I'm not overly impressed with the Monday return date, but see no other option since Princess sees so little of her father. He told Princess if she couldn't stay until Monday there was no point coming to get her on Friday since she works until 8pm (keep in mind he doesn't work), and that the turn around time would be too much to bring her home again from late Friday night to Sunday afternoon! Oh, the litany of curse words that could fly from my mouth right now, the list is long and not pretty.

One of the major reasons Princess is upset is because he originally said no to her request, and not just the 'no', but the reason for it. He hasn't seen either of the girls since the first weekend in January, and didn't see them at all over the Christmas holiday, before January it was August of 2007. So, his reasons for saying no was the drive time from Friday night to Sunday afternoon and that bringing her home she wouldn't see the girlfriend, as I stated earlier. Princess really likes the girlfriend, but she isn't going to see her, she was wanting to see her father. He is so wrapped up in the girlfriend and doesn't make his daughters feel special, so she was thinking it would enable her to spend some time with just him. Apparently, and sadly, that means more to Princess than him. I know that, as does Princess, but to hear her say it is more than my heart wants to contend with.

I think that is all I have going on. I'm going to putter around the house a bit this morning then head to the gym before work at 3pm. Sounds like an exciting day, eh? Oh well, it will give me some activity points and something to do, since nothing much is going on around here.

Bang On, Baby!

My horoscope for today is bang on! I've been playing the 'tomorrow/today' game for so long now, I can't remember when it started. I know I need to make changes in my everyday life and apparently the horoscope guru knows it too!

There is a great deal of transforming energy in the air that you should harness and capitalize on. You may be a frequent fan of the diet that you start "tomorrow." When tomorrow comes and there is a huge meal of pizza, soda, and French fries in front of you, suddenly the diet once again starts "tomorrow." Use the powerful energy of the day to break out of these habits and make a real change in your life.

I'll do my best to keep you posted on my progress. I'm at my highest weight since last summer, this after getting to 123lbs. I'm so disappointed in myself. I used to be such a driven individual, up for any challenge and now I feel downright lazy with no drive to accomplish anything.

I want to change my outlook on this weight loss battle and my fitness goals. I look at things with a do it all or nothing approach. Not always good. If I don't run, I wont settle for a walk. A walk isn't as much, for me, as a run, but it is better than nothing! Thereinlies what has to change in my head to make the changes in my body!

Today shall be the day! A new day towards a new me. One meal at a time, one day at a time working towards a new me with a new and improved outlook and attitude!