Where Has The Time Gone?

It does not seem like an entire month since I've last blogged, but apparently it has been near to that, if not even longer.

I've been busy, although I'm not sure I've been THAT busy.

My commitment to more positive thinking has been going well. My body will do what it will do and what I push it to do. There is really nothing to be gained in my mentally abusing myself. I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I sometimes internally talk to myself. I'm impressed with how much I've changed my self-directed dialogue.

Time has been spent in love with the most adorable little grandson to ever grace the earth. It goes without saying, that I am so in love with him it is nuts.



This is a very old picture of him.... how is 2 months an old picture? I like it because it is so crisp and his wee eyes are open.

Weight Watchers is going well. I'm down a total of 4.5lbs. Would love for that number to be much higher, but this time around I feel like I'm doing this the right way. Good eats. Good gym time and a mental balance that is working really well for me.

No news on the engagement front. And I mean, no news! There is still no ring. No date and not even a lot of talking about it. I'm trying to keep positive about this. although I'd be telling in big old lie if I said it wasn't bothering me. I'm working with myself on a daily basis not to over think things, although that is what I do and what I am doing.

I will be back in the next couple days with more chatter. Probably nothing much important, but chatter.

Week One Weigh In

My first week back on Weight Watchers following the Points Plus Program, was a pretty good week. I lost 1lb. I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking to lose more on my first official week back. I will be happy with this loss though. A loss, no matter how small is always better than a gain.

There has been a lot going on in my personal life. Really, when isn't there? I find that I'm mentally and emotionally distracted with a lot of what is going on, so that I didn't eat my way through it - can you say CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE and more CHOCOLATE???

I started training for my second Ottawa Half Marathon. I've logged 8 miles and am already 3 runs behind. I'm not stressing over it though. Things will figure themselves out eventually.

Velda, my dear friend, started her chemo treatments this week. I've been pretty quiet on here about all things Velda. I'm pretty quiet lately about all things Velda in all aspects of my life. I just don't really want to deal right now, so in true fashion, I just don't talk about it.

I think that is all I have to share for today.

February Flop?

There is no try, only do. I will not say I tried to get to the gym in the month of February. If I had tried harder to make it there I would have. Apparently in the month of February, I didn't want it bad enough.

I made it to the gym 5/28 days with 2 weight training sessions. That is not a good number. It leaves a lot of room for improvement. March is a new month and a new beginning to getting myself moving; my body and the scale.

Total distance traveled in the month of February 11.36 miles. I will definitely be building on that total and I look forward to the challenge of hitting higher totals per week/month.

Quick Update

Life is no less crazy 2 weeks later. Thank you for the kind works and support. They are greatly appreciated.

The crazy really isn't much to do with Princess (pregnant daughter), not in a day to day sense, but figuring it all out in my head. I don't see her much. She doesn't see anyone else much either. She is all about the father of the baby and working. I know she is extremely stressed out. Who wouldn't be? 17 years old. Pregnant. No longer in school and supporting yourself, your boyfriend and your boyfriend's child (4 years old) from a previous relationship. I'm 41 years old and that situation would stress me out!

Outside of the pregnancy situation, life is good. Cute Boy and I are in an awesome place. I couldn't be happier with respect to my personal life.

I have been hitting the gym again - finally! My weight isn't going down. It is holding steady and I'm okay with that for now. I've finally realized this isn't a race. It is about living, learning and doing what I can from day to day. If the gym isn't my #1 priority that's okay.

I hope is well with those that are ready. I'm doing my level best to get back to blogging, reading others and commenting.

Take care!

Still Off

I went to the doctor yesterday and I'm off for another month. I wasn't expecting this. I know I'm dealing with some things, but I figured he would give me a prescription and my return to work letter. No way! I asked if I was getting my letter and he looked at me like I was nuts. Okay, I feel like I'm losing it, so maybe that was me more than anything else. His belief is that I'm suffering anxiety and panic attacks, as well as being borderline depressed. Is it any wonder?!

I have a counseling service available to me through my employer, but they have been terrible this time around. I've called them 4 times and haven't had a call back. I'm not impressed. So, in telling my doctor this, he has offered to have me see a counselor from the doctor's office. It will enable better communication between him and her. That is a good thing.

I'm not 100% about the prescription right now. I took it last night and today I feel odd. I didn't sleep well last night and right now my ears are ringing something awful. I'm really not enjoying being me lately.

Okay, enough of the heavy stuff! I want to talk about some good stuff!

Today is my WI day... my new day! I lost 1.7lbs this week. I would be making great progress if not for that one week I gained 3lbs. I'm really happy though. It's been a while since I've been this low and since I've had 2 back to back weeks of loss. Yaaaaaa!!! Take joy in the small things.

The one good thing about being off work is that I can get to the gym easier. I do believe once I do get back to work I will be have some sort of routine and it should work out okay too.

I have a half marathon to run in less than 2 weeks and I am nowhere near prepared. Right now, the only hope is that I don't hurt myself. I don't know why I let the adrenaline push me to join this half. I wanted the bling, I think, more than anything else. Awful. I'm just awful!

Anyway, I'm outta here to do nothing and then do more of nothing.

Love and hugs until next time!

Inspiration Dress

I bought this little gem when I was in hiding and healing mode at Cute Boy's sister's. I've had it for about a month now and just mustered up the gumption to share it with all of you.

Cute Boy and I have 2 weddings to attend in the month of October. I figured with the colour of this dress it would be perfect.

I feel a bit hippy in it and thicker in the middle than I normally like when wearing a dress that fits as tight as this one. I couldn't pass it up though. Chris (Cute Boy's sister) and I went shopping in Montreal at the Outlets and you know how it is when you find 'the one' piece of clothing that is a just have.

The Le Chateau outlet had some great deals. This dress was marked at $129 regular price and I paid $49.99 for it. I ended up walking away with $260 worth of clothes, and 1 kick ass purse, all for $101.00! Deals like that, for me, don't come along often, so I couldn't pass it up.

I will be pairing the dress with silver shoes. Love them, especially since my angel wing tattoo will be visible, along with a silver clutch purse.

Cute Boy and I don't find many opportunities to dress up and we are both looking forward to the occasion. It promises to be a good time, both weddings.

Off to the gym I go, so as to slim down my middle somewhat to feel a bit more confident in such a pretty little gem.

On Your Mark, Get Set....

Go!!!!!

Front shot



Side Shot --- my goodness!!!

The backside - ugly ugly!!!

Since the beginning of September I have been participating in Syl's 30 day challenge that she has going on her blog and Facebook page. I've not been to the gym every day this month nor did I expect to be.

I started this challenge as way to get my motivation level up and inspire myself to want to do something more than nothing. It is a great way for me to get back to doing something for me and only me. That comes out more selfish than I would or could ever be.

I'm not back to work yet, so getting to the gym is pretty easy right now. I will be juggling and struggling more when I am back to work. As of right now, I'm not sure when that will be. I was to have a doctor's appointment today to assess the situation and see where and what happens next, but my doctor's office called early this morning to cancel the appointment. My next appointment isn't until next Tuesday now.

Sadly, my breathing issues are still front and centre. I struggle to get a full breath and have to do funky things with my mouth to get a decent breath or a full lung breath. I do a lot of sighing and it sounds like I'm always yawning or huffing in annoyance. I'm not, I'm just trying to breath. Scary crap, I tell ya! I think it's related to stress and anxiety, but a doctor I'm not so who really knows.

As for the gym, I've currently been there 9/12 days. All things considered I'm extremely impressed with that so far. I will keep working towards my goal of a healthier more fit body. Mentally, I'm a long way off, but I will keep working on that too!

Until next time, to those of you that are still out there reading - thank you!

Love and hugs!

Yikes

My first week back in the blog world and I'm doing okay. No pressure in the comment department. Just doing this to get this stuff out of my head. Although, to those that have commented - THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!

Weighed in this morning and it was an ugly happening. I'm hovering at a ridiculously high weight. In an attempt to not lose my noodle, I'll just remember I was this high before and I changed things. A gain of 2.6lbs is pretty much a colossal FAIL!!! I can change things again. Now, if that darn gym will just hurry up and open.

Speaking of the gym. They have been calling me about my personal training payments or something. I don't have a clue. I have to call them back today because by the sounds of it John is going to blow a gasket if I don't return his call. I've heard some rumours that the gym is about 1 month behind in opening. That would not be a good thing. I need the gym, like yesterday.

I have my half marathon 2 days from now. Yooowzers! Can you say freakin' out? I've not packed yet. I've not charged my ipod. I've not charged my Garmin. Nothing. Am I in denial?? You wanna bet I am! One of the girls that was to come with is not now. She has some things going on with her teenage daughter that is keeping her pretty close to home this weekend. She will be greatly missed! A good time will still be had, but without one. :(

Other than all the chatter above, I haven't much to say today. I'm off to guzzle water and find some vegetable to stick in my mouth. Not as much of that as I thought apparently.

Over and out! I'll be back on Sunday evening with a race update! If you're prayin' sort, keep me in mind on Sunday will ya!

MWAH

Sciatic Sadness

I hate this, I really do.

My sciatic nerve is acting up again. I can't believe it. I'm so very sad.

I've been in denial for the last couple weeks and have to finally admit to myself that the sciatic nerve is rearing it's ugly head again. I was sitting on the couch last night in excruciating pain. I was almost in tears, but fought them back. Tears are not going to make it better. I'm feeling the tinges of pain in various areas of my day to day functions. I get nasty aches in my left hip, so much so that I wake up in pain. I feel a dull/sharp shooting pain in my left calf shooting from my hip. I can feel the stiffness setting in after a day sitting at work. I try to move around a bit more than normal. That is often easier said than done. This job is too unpredictable to be up walking around. Not to mention that I think my coworkers would get a bit annoyed if I were to become a slacker.

I'm pissed. It's been a hellish week and this admission doesn't make it any better. Life is good, but things are just happening around me that I can't control. The control freak in me is not happy!

I'm not going to let this stop me. I'm not hitting the gym with the intensity that I'm accustomed and I want to still be able to go to the gym, so I'm going to continue on but just not overdo it. I don't ALWAYS feel the pain when on the treadmill, but after, especially if I really push it. It's always something, isn't it? I guess that's what happens when you're knocking on the door of 40 years old.

On that note, have a great one!

Chest Is The Best

Hit the gym again this morning. Drove Princess to school and off I went.

I was finally able to connect with my friend Andrew about body part pairing. His approach is this:
Tri's and Bi's
Chest
Back
Legs and Abs

I'm going to follow this and work it hard as I can while on my own.

So, without further adieu here is my work out routine from this morning. I took notes in my log book about how I felt after each set. I will share them with you. This the first time I've ever logged my feelings along with the numbers.

Cardio Warm Up
18 mins
2.3K

Chest Routine

Chest Press
35lbs x 18 reps
45lbs x 15 reps
60lbs x 10 reps
Love the look of the muscle definition in my secondary musles when doing this exercise. 60lbs was a bit much at this point, but I did it. The burn killed.

Flatbench Dumbell Bench Press
15lbs x 12 reps
12.5lbs x 12 reps
10lbs x 10 reps
Killer set. The burn was almost instant. Shit! Final set was slow and focused.

Pec Fly
30lbs x 12 reps
35lbs x 10 reps
40lbs x 6 reps --> I wanted 8
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! There is still a lot of muscle definition there. Ya!!

Post Weight Train Cardio
26 mins
3K

Jillian Cardio - I was cleaning my machine and The Doctor's was on the television. They had Jillian Michaels on the program so I restarted the treadmill and walked an additional 10 minutes for .9KM.

Finding The Balance

I've been back to the gym twice since my 'recommit'. I couldn't be happier with how I feel already. It's wonderful. I'm thankful for the opportunity to figure this body of mine out and transform it once again to something that brings me great joy and pride.

This finding balance is a new thing for me. I've been told by another person, I'm all or nothing. It really hit home with me, so I'm trying to work through that and be okay with taking time for things in life that don't all revolve around the gym. Putting myself to the test already. I wanted to go to the gym this morning before work, but Cute Boy had plans for us to do some running around. It's nothing that he couldn't have done without me, but instead I just sucked it up and went along. I didn't go to the gym today and I'm okay.

I have extra incentive to hit the gym now. Very good friends are getting married soon and I want to make sure I look the best I can in the little time I have to prepare. I know, I'm vain. Being that the wedding is in June I'll be wearing a sleeveless something, so I have to work the arms and shoulders, not to mention the cardio so the dress or outfit will flow and not bulge. I'm so excited. I love weddings. I always cry!

I'm not having the best of days. Actually, I'm having an absolute terrible day. Princess made an off handed offensive comment this morning that broke my heart. This, after Cute Boy and I had a snippy comment throwing conversation that annoyed me to no end. I know part and parcel the issues stem from the fact that I'm PMS'g. Period is due in about 6 days and that just puts me off my game. I would be annoyed or upset by the comments made by both Cute Boy and Princess regardless, but this time of month just makes all the more difficult for me to deal with.

I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to hitting the gym tomorrow. Gym time for me is a major stress reliever and it hasn't taken me long to have that realization hit home and hit home hard.

BLBE 2 and Fitness Funny

First off, I've been remiss in telling you, I've joined the Biggest Loser Blogger Edition 2. I'm really excited about this challenge and looking forward to kicking some ass!

I've been assigned to Lynn's team, along with Krista and many others. Bre isn't on our team which is unfortunate, but I'm going to revel in the fact that I'm kicking her ass along with many others! Yaaaa me!!!! Yaaaa team. I'm really looking forward to getting to know other fitness/health bloggers and learning some of the secrets to their success.

I hit the gym again yesterday. I left straight from work and I'm so glad I did. It's only been 2 days and I'm loving it. Now, that being said I'm taking today off. Princess has to work and time constraints being what they are, I don't want to be rushed.

Yesterday was a great success food wise, coupled with a great run. I ran for another 4.25KM. It isn't my longest run ever, but I can feel the desire building. I'm so excited, I can't even tell you. Truth be told, I'm loving this gym thing again! I ran a 15 minute block when I was supposed to only run at 10 minute intervals.

The funny of my gym experience yesterday and forgive me if this is TMI. One of the women on either side of me had fitness farts and I had to get out of there. I know for certain it wasn't me. The urge to gag was high, so rather than embarrass myself or them, I left.

I've yet to hit the weights and probably wont this week since I'm working out at the women's gym. I much prefer the weights at the co-ed gym which is where I'll be working out next week. That is going to be a real test of wills that weight training. I can't get where I want to be on cardio alone. I know lifting weights is the way to go for me to be successful. I want the definition back between my shoulders and biceps. This is going to be fun!

Feeling Funky and a Fabulous Friend!

It is amazing the difference in perspective from this morning to the afternoon.

My day has vastly improved since my post earlier in the day. It could have much to do with Velda! I've never met a more amazing person in my life and to have the honour to call her friend is really my blessing. I have to say I didn't cry and that in itself is amazing. Our time wasn't as full of as much laughter as some visits, but I walked away from my impromptu visit with a full belly of coke, chocolate and french onion soup along with a new perspective.

I love the freedom I have within this friendship. I'm far from perfect, as much as I may lead you to believe otherwise. I'm free to share my faults and imperfections without judgement and in turn I walk away with a greater sense of myself. The scope of conversation covers most everything and anything.

I didn't realize Velda was posting on her blog about me coming over. That would be my first mistake! Knowing Velda as I do, how did I know see this coming??? In that, I would like to thank each of you that posted to Velda's blog sending me hugs. I got them too, because I was still there when she was reading her comments.

After leaving Velda's today I headed to the gym. What an experience that was! Not an especially good one either. The good thing is I ran intervals for about a half hour and gained 2 AP. WOOHOO!!

The not-so-good part of the gym today was that a high school gym class was there. I'm all for young people working out, I really am, but a gym filled with giggling, screaming teenage girls is not conducive to a good work out. I have a couple teenagers of my own, so I know all about this that and the next thing with teenage girls. They were going on about hot guys weight training. This men would be old enough to be your father for goodness sakes. Imagine the nightmare of trying to get ready for work with these kids milling around. No fun! No thanks!

I have a major rant about my gym. This place is starting to drive me nuts. I know they have financial issues. It's not a big secret around town that the gym is struggling to make payments to their creditors.

My last 2 visits to the gym have presented me with no paper cleaning products. That is disgusting at any time, but this time of year... oh gross! Today there was one hair dryer that worked and it was a hot commodity with all those mini princesses preening pretty. The shower that didn't work yesterday was fixed today. I just don't understand the financial issues here. I feel very taken when at this gym. It has some great features and then when I'm faced with stuff like I mentioned, I get so annoyed. Do I really care there is little flowers sitting in a dish beside the sinks? No, I don't. I care about being able to wipe down my machine after sweating like a mad woman all over it. I want to go to the gym to become healthier not pick up some fugal infection! I shall now step down from my soap box! :)

Thank you to each and everyone of you that posted a kind comment in response to my earlier post, as well as the kind comments on Velda's. A little kindness goes a long way.

Feeling Funky

I'm just a bundle of emotions lately and I'm trying desperately to pull myself out of it. I feel powerless on so many levels it's not even funny.

I've had some small amount of success on the WW front. I weighed in this morning ( I no longer pay for the program) and found myself with a loss of 2.6lbs. I'm over the moon about that. I've been attempting to eat better and hit the gym, although in my book 1 visit to the gym doesn't really count. Something worked out though! I'll take it. I'm finally below 130 again, and this is my lowest weight of the year at 129.6. Anywhere below 125 is good for me, although the results of this 125 won't be as spectacular as my previous 125, since I've little to no muscle tone! A girl can't have it all!

If I could just be content with the WW front of my life and not have to deal with everything else, I'd be good to go. I'm freaking out financially to the point that I'm a nervous wreck about most everything, all day long. I've made a mess as of late and I've no one to blame but myself. There has been a drastic incline with incoming money since child support is no longer being paid. I've had to cash out important nest egg investments to deal with debt created by another person that I'm unlikely to see a return from. I've had to rethink my entire financial outlook and I'm scared shitless. Lesson learned on that one!

The timing of all my financial worries couldn't come at a worse time with Cute Boy and I looking at building a house as soon as his sells. I don't have the kind of equity in my home that he does, so my scrambling to contribute dollar for dollar is going to be a major challenge. All this equates to a very stressed out me. Cute Boy and I also just received the quote for building from the contractor. Holy Hannah! It was considerably higher than we expected even with the extras we want included in the house. It is scary business.

This doesn't add to my stresses at all, I'm telling you just to be chatty. Princess (possibly Queenie and her boyfriend) are going to visit the father this weekend. It came about very suddenly. Lily is somewhat excited, somewhat annoyed for many reasons. This poor kid! She has to work this evening until 8, but will probably be off sooner, so her father is picking her up after work and taking her to his house about an hour or so out of town. He tells her she'll not get to see his girlfriend at all since the girlfriend works on Saturday, so he wants her to stay until Monday. He and I do not speak since he still believes he can talk down to me and bully me with his words, so very sadly for Princess this message came to me from her. I'm not overly impressed with the Monday return date, but see no other option since Princess sees so little of her father. He told Princess if she couldn't stay until Monday there was no point coming to get her on Friday since she works until 8pm (keep in mind he doesn't work), and that the turn around time would be too much to bring her home again from late Friday night to Sunday afternoon! Oh, the litany of curse words that could fly from my mouth right now, the list is long and not pretty.

One of the major reasons Princess is upset is because he originally said no to her request, and not just the 'no', but the reason for it. He hasn't seen either of the girls since the first weekend in January, and didn't see them at all over the Christmas holiday, before January it was August of 2007. So, his reasons for saying no was the drive time from Friday night to Sunday afternoon and that bringing her home she wouldn't see the girlfriend, as I stated earlier. Princess really likes the girlfriend, but she isn't going to see her, she was wanting to see her father. He is so wrapped up in the girlfriend and doesn't make his daughters feel special, so she was thinking it would enable her to spend some time with just him. Apparently, and sadly, that means more to Princess than him. I know that, as does Princess, but to hear her say it is more than my heart wants to contend with.

I think that is all I have going on. I'm going to putter around the house a bit this morning then head to the gym before work at 3pm. Sounds like an exciting day, eh? Oh well, it will give me some activity points and something to do, since nothing much is going on around here.

I Miss Me

I've been doing a bit of thinking that last day or so and I write this with a bit of heavy heart.

I had an e-mail from Krista yesterday and it was good to just chatter about things and then.... there is a question and a statement. The statement - I miss you! It was a simple statement but something that really hit home for me. I miss her too and I told her so. As my fingers flew over the keys in response to her e-mail, I found I was telling her I miss me too!

I miss the me that use to laugh more than not. I miss being able to sit in front of the television with my stitching or curling up on the couch with my book and a tea. I miss hanging out with my friends and the ability to just let go. I miss the free flow to my days, that are now consumed with renovations and thoughts of what must be done, how to do it and how to pay for it. I know this is a temporary thing, but it seems to be never ending. Princess is house exhausted and sick of listening to the non-stop chatter about what needs to be done and how. Poor kid. That is not the fun of a 14 y.o. princess life. She is a princess and would like to be treated as such.

I miss the gym. Okay, maybe I only miss the thought of the gym, not so much the work that I have to put forth. I am going to make an effort to get there 3x in the coming week. I really want to be healthier, leaner and I want to get back in to those smaller jeans! I want to run and feel the burn of muscles working and pulsing. I will do this! I want it, but do I want it enough?

All this being said, I think my housing jobs are starting to come together and I might be getting closer to discovering me again. I hope, anyways. I'm down to 12 jobs that need to be completed and then I will be listing the house. As soon as the house is clean and listed I'm taking myself to the spa for a much needed massage. I have a gift card given to me by Cute Boy for Christmas. It is worth $150.00 and I'm thinking I might plan a day for both Princess and I to unwind after the turmoil of our turned upside down house.

I'm taking a little 'me' time today too, visiting Velda. I should be there in about an hour and I'm really looking forward to just hanging out and catching up!

Going Crazy Rant

I'm sitting here with my tea, my wonderfully warm chai tea. I'm convincing myself this is my morning routine when I'm home and it'll be okay if I take a few minutes before immersing myself in with paint brush and paint. I'm exhausted! I'm sleeping like crap. I'm major guilt tripping. I've flaked on KP (so unfair) at the gym yesterday and today. I lay in bed awake for most of the night and I can not drag my sorry excuse for a butt out of bed at 4:50a. Then a day without the gym frustrates me. I'll never hit the weight loss I want if I don't hit the gym. Seems logical, does it not? If I could get points for the running in my head, that would be something, right?

I've often said I love a challenge, but I love one challenge at a time as opposed to challenges everywhere I look all day long. I want to get as much done to the house as I can. There is one challenge - so far you can score one for the house because it is winning right now. I have the challenge of weight loss, score one for the fat because it's winning right now too! I'm not in so much of a defeated mood as it may seem, I'm more or less just taking stock of the crappy start to my week.

I do have a funny to share with you. In this you'll notice my sarcastic humour. It may sound as though I'm being ungrateful, but I'm really not. I got an e-mail from one of my best friends, Velda where we were discussing my lack of focus and the desire get things done around the house. She tells me, as only she would, the blog junkie, that renovation before and after photos make great blog fodder! Oh, this I know! She tells me the oooohhhh and aaaawwwing I get will be inspiring and push me to get more done. This too, I know. My very sarcastic reply to her (and she gets my sarcastic, and not critical of others humour) was you need to have progress to get AFTER shots..... I think it might have been a 'had to be there moment', but it is very true.

My frustration is that some are telling me they'll help me. I'm such the person, you tell me I expect it that is the way I am. I will not go around begging and bothering you to help me. I will not do it. I will get frustrated and annoyed, but I will not harass you. If I had a dollar for the number of times I've been told I'll help you and then it not happen I'd have all my debt paid off! Velda, I'm not talking about or in any way referring to Sunday and the door. I fear you're thinking I am - honest honey!

Oh, I have a line on a mitre saw! Yaaaa!!!! A co-worker (friend of 16 years) called her husband last night when we were working together to ask it he has one. He does and SHE says I can borrow it. I don't think she quite grasps the concept of a man's attachment to his tools. She is too cute and has no idea what she has just offered to lend me. She thinks she's going to be bringing this in to work for me.... I think not. This saw will probably weight 20+lbs. I was almost crying when I was laughing at her! I love you, Debbie. You are always good for a laugh.

So, that is the most recent installment of the house renovations saga.

Dani, if you've made it this far - yes I can see a funk coming on! I'm fighting it, but I can feel it creeping in and around!

Stitching progress has been good my one night of work so far. I put 193 stitches into Love and I'm almost finished the corner piece and a portion of the one line of script. I see no problem in accomplishing my SAT goals. Something is going right!!! WOOHOO