Quick Update

Life is no less crazy 2 weeks later. Thank you for the kind works and support. They are greatly appreciated.

The crazy really isn't much to do with Princess (pregnant daughter), not in a day to day sense, but figuring it all out in my head. I don't see her much. She doesn't see anyone else much either. She is all about the father of the baby and working. I know she is extremely stressed out. Who wouldn't be? 17 years old. Pregnant. No longer in school and supporting yourself, your boyfriend and your boyfriend's child (4 years old) from a previous relationship. I'm 41 years old and that situation would stress me out!

Outside of the pregnancy situation, life is good. Cute Boy and I are in an awesome place. I couldn't be happier with respect to my personal life.

I have been hitting the gym again - finally! My weight isn't going down. It is holding steady and I'm okay with that for now. I've finally realized this isn't a race. It is about living, learning and doing what I can from day to day. If the gym isn't my #1 priority that's okay.

I hope is well with those that are ready. I'm doing my level best to get back to blogging, reading others and commenting.

Take care!

Or So She Thought

I've been getting outside of my head lately and figured I'd be best to find my way back to 'my' place. This is where I will be unloading my good bad and ridiculous! To hell with whether or not I get comments. How freaking vain am I anyway to think that what I have to say prompts others to support, comment or criticize.

I was sitting last night running dialogue through my head and grabbed my food journal to jot down some thoughts. I'm so far removed from tracking, eating properly and working out. I've never been this way before, not since I've gained the knowledge that my body deserves better. Craves better, actually!

The food journal entry follows:

141.1lbs. That is probably a low number, that was Friday and it is now Monday.

Nothing fits. I am so 'body sad'. I just keep putting poor-food choice food in my mouth. It doesn't feel good to feel like I do right now. I need to change my mindset of instant gratification, for long term happier success.

Tuesday is a new day. Water! Fruit and veggies!

The day is off to a good start. So far, so good.

WI Success

Well, my weigh in this morning. What can I say? Are you anxiously awaiting my results?

I was more apprehensive for this weigh in that I can remember of any in my recent history. I've eaten not the greatest, but tried to be conscientious of healthy choices over those not so healthy. Work outs were done, but not many. The head games were played and the water consummed.

I'm down 1.2lbs to 133.6lbs! I'm blown away!!! Go Team Lynn!

I'm moving today so I will be hit and miss on the computer and your blogs for the remainder of the weekend. I'm rooting for you! I'm here for you in spirit, if not in type written word.

As for a few questions that have been asked of me.... I've not had a Kashi bar yet, but I'm toting one around in my bag as we speak. It will be eaten at some point during the next couple days while life is nuts and the move is being done.

I will take pics of the house once I'm really there and have a minute to call my own.

Until next time, healthy thoughts to you!

Our Relationship Is Changing

The Way I See It #27

Do not kiss your children so they will

kiss you back but so they will kiss their

children, and their children's children.

~Noah benShea

Poet/Philosopher

I think it is fitting that today I stopped at Starbucks and my cup message be one of my favorite messages. I made the decision while reading my cup and drinking my Non Fat Chai Tea Latte that I need to change my ways.

My ways with food and money need to change. I'm in the worst mental place ever in regards to my body and food. It has been years since I've felt this way. I wake up every day dreading the thought of getting dressed. Nothing fits and I'll be damned if I'll spend another penny on more clothing in whatever size! I'll just not do it.

I'm sick of myself, I'm sick of my stomach weight. My middle is like the inside of a pillow. It is all pushy and moldable (is that even a word?). I hate it. There was a time, in a different life, that I was starting to muscularly cut in with abs near the bottom of my rib cage. Now, there is nothing but a flab of flubber.

There are things I can be doing and things I should be doing and I'm not doing them! I no longer have the drive to push myself to be more than I am. I like who I am as a person as far as how I live in regards to treating other people, but I don't like that I no longer make myself a priority. I'm sick of being what I am physically, but I don't want to move or be prompted to move in a scheduled structured way. What the hell is wrong with me? As I've said, I used to be very driven and motivated. I loved working out. I loved the feel of the sweat and the burn of a muscle ache. Where did that go? What happened to change all that?

I need to do some internalizing and prioritizing to figure out what is up with me. Oh ya, what's up? ---- My weight is up and my clothing size is up. I can't even imagine what is going on in regards to my overall health! AUUGHHHHH

Public Humiliation

Okay, Velda! You've challenged me! Never one to back down from a challenge, I'm laying myself out for public inspection. My weigh in this morning has knocked my world off it's axis and I'm disgusted!

This is not going to be pretty, but here goes:

1. Drink 64 oz water daily

2. Measure my foods. No more eyeballing it.

3. 3 fruit or veggies daily. I should be getting a minimum of 5!

4. Only 1 Tim Horton's French Vanilla Iced Coffee per day, if at all.

5. Run at least every other day starting with my new running week of Monday. I'll update that on my Yankee Stadium Distance challenge

6. Forgive myself for my lazy approach to my body. It breaks my heart, but I can not continue to mentally beat myself up anymore. It is detrimental to my emotional well being.

7. Track my WW journal.

No more, 'oh, I ate bad, I'm not counting anymore' attitude.

For now, that is all I have.

Thanks, V! Love ya, hon.

My Life In A Nutshell

There is so much going on in my life right now that I find I'm scatter brained when it comes to trying to compose a blog entry. I've not been posting, but trust me it is not for lack of trying. I couldn't count the number of times I've started an entry to find myself with a mental block and hitting the delete button. Sorry!

Here goes. Now, that being said where do I begin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things with the girls are interesting to say the least. I still never see Queenie. This life of hers is a major stresser for me, but I'm just letting her do her thing. Against my better judgement most days, but it's not for me to decide any longer.

Princess on the other hand had me hopping a bit ago. She had herself a major lapse in judgement (I'm being overly kind) and didn't like that I took the hard line with her. She quickly decided she wanted to visit her dad for a while. She is leaving to go to her dad's on the 28th of July until sometime towards the middle to end of August. She has since decided she regrets this rash decision of running to her dad's but it is a learning experience for her, at least I think so anyway.

I'm going to miss her like nobody's business, but I think it is going to be good for her. As much as she was overwhelmed with her situation and mad at me when she made this decision, she sees now, her best place, and most appreciated place is with me. Even when I'm mad at her, or disappointed in her, as was the case, her best place of support is to be home. There are a whole plethora of emotions she is dealing with in regards to going to her dad's and for that, I feel for her. I try to look at this situation as a character builder for her. We'll see if I'm right or not. I know she's apprehensive now, because he sees a crack in her commitment to be home and he is going to put the full court press on her to move there with him.

I'll do my best to update her situation as it unfolds. You'd think I was giving you a play by play of a daytime drama!

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things with work are the same. The full time position that will be/should be mine was posted last Wednesday, with a closing date of tomorrow at 1:30p. It's pretty much just the dotting the i's and crossing the t's and the position will be mine. I've been working in a full time capacity for the last 3 months and with the retirement of a full time co-worker, I'll be full time next.

As much as it is a good thing after being part time now for 9 years, I'm of mixed emotions about being full time full time. It is a cut in pay, but not really. Right now I'm paid in lieu of benefits and holidays, but if I don't work I don't get paid. When I'm officially full time I'll have 4 full weeks of holidays paid. It is what you work towards and to finally realize the end is near it is somewhat draining and scary. The loss of in lieu on my pay is equivalent to about 300-400 per pay at a full time work week. I don't always work full time, but since I have been for 3 months, it is similar to a pay cut.

I really am very happy and relieved to finally be at the of my part time career, as much as it may not sound that way. It is just a mental adjustment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've not been stitching at all. I miss it greatly, I really do. As much as I miss it I can not for the life of me find the desire to pick up a needle! I could have stitched so much my last week of work 6p-2am, but I just had nothing in the tank as far as drive for dragging out my stash. So very sad. I'm hoping to at least make a more concerted effort tomorrow night. I' promise to try!

~~~~~~~~~~
Things with the house are just! I've been selling things in my home...my sectional couch, my lawn mower, barbecue. My kitchen table is currently for sale and a few other things. It is strange to see things go, but there is no need, nor room for things to be kept at this point in the game.

Cute Boy and I are trying to find temporary accommodations for 4 months for when my house closes and our house is built. We are looking at a 2 bedroom condo this coming weekend. It will be a tight fit when Cute Boy's girls come for the weekends, but things will get figured out. The rent on this place will be considerably cheaper than we are both paying in a mortgage payment, so the extra money will be helpful in cleaning up our debt or purchasing appliances for the new house. This house building is expensive business!

~~~~~~~~~~~~
My fitness and eating are atrocious at the moment. I'm at the point where I'm starting to obsess about my weight and poor eating habits. I'm annoyed as hell at myself that I've let myself go to the point that I'm now 10lbs over my comfortable weight. I hate looking in the mirror. I feet terrible beyond anything that I've ever felt before. I'm at a loss right now about what I should do!

I'm trying to get back to my running and I will eventually. I just want to hit the street and lose myself in my thoughts and not look at running as means to an end (losing weight and leaning down), but as a way to give myself a much deserved break from the everyday demands of my life. I think that is not too much to do for myself. Now doing it is a completely other story all together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think that is all I have for today! It is a long one, I know. Sorry about that. I should know better than to be away for so long next time.

Thanks for getting through it all, if you did. You rock!