Sunday, December 31, 2006

Reading Resolutions

I try to shy away from resolutions because I never hold up my end of the bargain which in turn only prompts me to feel disappointment in myself. Why bother setting myself up to find disappointment at the end of the day, but this year is going to be different. I am going to make a resolution to read more than I have been lately. I'm going to try and read each night before bed and a bit more throughout the day. The reading throughout the day will be a bit more difficult, but as long as I try I've lived up to the bargain with myself, right?

I'm currently reading James Patterson's Judge and Jury. Midway through the story things are moving quickly and keeping me thoroughly entertained.

Judge and Jury plot line:
Andie DeGrasse, an aspiring actress and single mom, is hoping to get dismissed from the jury pool. She tells the judge that her legal knowledge comes from a bit part curling around a stripper's pole in The Sopranos. But she still ends up as Juror #11 in a landmark trial against a mob boss.

THE JUDGE IS TERRIFIED OF THE DEFENDANT The case becomes the new Trial of the Century. Mafia Don Dominic Cavello, the Electrician, is linked to hundreds of gruesome crimes. Senior FBI agent Nick Pellisante has been tracking him for years, and the evidence against the killer is ironclad.

SO IS THE JURY As the jury is about to reach a verdict, the Electrician makes one devastating move that no one could have predicted. The nation is reeling, and Andie's world is shattered. For her, the hunt for the Electrician becomes personal, and she and Pellisante forge an unbreakable bond: they will exact justice-at any cost.

THE VERDICT: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE Judge & Jury is an all-out heart-pounding legal thriller by "one of America's most influential authors" (New York Times.)

Unconscious Mutterings

Resolution :: change
Happy :: peace
Bubbly :: tickle
Kiss :: sweet
Leather :: smell
Fancy :: dress
Pages :: book
Stupid :: fool
Apologize :: sorry
Secrets :: scary

Not sure I'll do this on a weekly basis, but for now I've done one week. You can join the mailing list by clicking here

The End of One and the Beginning of Another

On this last day of the year I can't help but think back on 2006 with many fond memories and thoughts of personal growth, trial and error and many successes mixed in to keep life in balance.

I'm so thankful for all things that happened in the year that brought me where I am right now. There were times when I wasn't sure what was to come, but that just kept things from becoming boring or too normal. It was only the beginning of this year when I didn't have a clue where I was headed from day to day, I still don't really know where I'm headed now, but I can say with certainty I'm okay with wherever my life leads.

I'm in such a better place in one short year, a much better place than I thought possible. It is amazing when you just live life how sweet it can be. What is to be will be and I look forward to the adventure and experience of it all.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Don't Get Any Ideas In Your Head Or Too Comfortable

If you ever get comfortable you'll regret it. I've learned this one the hard way just moments ago.

I quit with my girls and there isn't much that will change my way of thinking at this point. I've come to realize I've raised very selfish young ladies and I use the term 'ladies' very loosely. I have a most bitter taste in my mouth in regards to the way they are turning out. I'm not sure if I'm more disappointed in them or myself. I need to stop making excuses for them and I will no longer do it. I try to rationalize things, but all I'm doing is making it easier for them to avoid and control.... I quit.

I sit on the edge of leaving a life I knew with their father and moving forward with a new and different life. I'm trying to be understanding of them and not force them to make this transition just because it's what I want, but to that end there is no generosity of spirit from either. I ask or tell them to do something and all I get is resistence... if it's not what they want they fight it... well, ya know what girls, fight all ya want. I quit trying with you anymore! I give more than any parent I know and all I get back is ignorance, attitude and disrespect! Your ship has sailed and you've missed the boat.

In total sarcastic nature, something for which I'm famous ~ Happy Holidays to you! Your spirit of giving is something of which legends are made!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Giggles Girl Start

Okay, first off I confess I'm in the process of losing my mind! I've just started WIP piece #13. What am I thinking? Oh ya, I'm not! I must think I'm stitcher extraordinaire, I really must. Pam and I have this tradition that when we work together on Boxing Day we start a new piece together. This year's piece is Giggles Girl for me and Giggles Boy for her.

I still have last year's Boxing Day piece in rotation and some day I'll get it finished, but at this rate it'll be a bit longer than just yesterday.

Christmas Blessings

Well, Christmas is over for another year and for the first time in a very long time I was spoiled!! I know in a previous post I said Christmas isn't about presents and in my heart, I know this, but let me tell how blessed in the present department I was this year.

I will list these presents in the order I remember receiving them:

~Corona Glass Decoration (Velda)
~Snowman Quilt Wallhanging (Velda)
~12 Day presents (Pam) (insert link)
~Cookies in a jar (Barbie)
~Baked goodies (Kathy)
~Desktop Notepad (Karen)
~Scented Waffer Burner (Karen and just because we worked together on Christmas morning)
~A vanilla candle, bath salts and beads in a red mug, vanilla lotion and a huge bath towel (Annie Fannie Fo Fannie)
~Money and 3 beautiful snowmen ornaments (former MIL)
~New York Yankee Fuzzy Dice for my car (Queenie and Princess)
~A Wrought Iron and Glass Candle holder (Princess and Queenie)
~8x10 picture of Alyssa and Mike (Mike)

All the following presents are from Cute Boy:
~very big snowman decoration from his daughters
~2 boxes Tim Horton's Chai Tea
~Tim Horton's Tea Pot (I've NEVER owned a tea pot)
~Wine bottle opener
~Body Shop Vanilla Body Sugar
~Deirks Bentley CD
~Chocolate Bars
~A Jimmie Johnston hand drawn photograph
~A most adorable Kitty Cat Calendar with inspirational sayings
~A teddybear holiday door wreath
~Kitty Cat Wax Dipped Room Deoderizer

All these presents listed, I know I'm spoiled and that is something very foreign to me. It was strange but wonderful and very much appreciated. That being said all listed presents are awesome but the most precious of gifts were those you couldn't buy with all the money in the world. My children are healthy and for the most part, I hope, happy. My soon to be ex in-laws are still so loving and welcoming of me. They offered for me to spend Christmas dinner with them. I did refuse and that was more than difficult, but something I felt I really had to do. I pray the love they have for me is enough to enable them to understand the struggle I face in trying to find my way in this new life of mine. I am blessed with the most amazing friends and was able to spend time with each of them over the holiday season, which is no small feat!

One of the most amazing gifts given to me was from Cute Boy and this gift is the simplest of all. It was his time, his affection, his hugs, his hand on my leg, a kiss, or a touch of my face. Shall I go on? It was a heavenly night of sweet moments with him in front of his fireplace and in those quiet moments, and most comfortable of quiet, wrapped in his arms with the sweetest of smiles on my lips. I ask myself what more could bless my life or how much more perfect could a Christmas be than I one I just experienced? I think nothing could top this one!

Monday, December 25, 2006

Christmas Wishes

The sweetness of Christmas surrounds me even as I sit here at work. As much as I would love to be at home with my girls right now and with others I love dearly, I'm blessed by the fact I'm working in the hospital and not a patient. I'm blessed to have the job I have in spite of how atrocious the schedule is and how gruelling it can be on a personal life. Looking on the bright side of things, I know I have a great job that affords me a good life.

I love Christmas and look forward to it every year. I don't know if it's the day itself or the preparation and anticipation of the day I look forward to most of all. There is a sweetness in the holidays that I wish I could find in the everyday.

Every year I try to put the emphasis on something more than presents, but I'm never successful. I love to buy and to give to others, so I end up fueling the economy more than I should. I don't buy and give just for the sake of doing so, but to see the smile on the face of others, to let them know I'm thinking of them. I'm very much a giver, on every level so it fits that Christmas is my favorite time of year. It fits me to perfection that I'm able to give to those I love.

I wish for you to find peace in your heart and love from those around you.

Merry Christmas

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Bring It On!

An unexpected but very welcome financial windfall could lead to some long-desired changes in your living situation. You may decide to make an actual move, or you could opt for a less drastic course of action, such as redecorating, remodeling, or refurnishing. A member of your household could move out, or someone new moves in. These are all very positive changes, likely to make a big difference in the course of your life.

Jaime, this one's for you, hon! I like reading my blog too when I post horoscopes like this one! I don't know that I always believe what is predicted, but it sure would be fun for this prediction to come true.

I'm a bit more comfortable with this one right now since Queenie has already left and come home. I wouldn't think I'd have anyone move in with me, but who knows anymore. lol

Spend It Like Ya Got It!

What a night I had last night and get your mind out of the gutter! It wasn't that kind of night, ALMOST as good though, okay maybe that's a stretch because nothing much compares to THAT! Sorry, Pam. I love ya, but nothing compares to THAT!

In all the craziness of preparing for Christmas things have not been getting done like they should. I worked a day shift yesterday so I figured I'd make a great dent in all the things I needed to get done in the evening. That worked for a short time, until Pam came over. I was able to make 2 batches of shortbread, but 1 batch is garbage....stupid story. I then made a batch of Peanut Butter Fudge, awwww peanut butter, oh sorry that was supposed to be my inner voice, while Pam and Princess made a Ball Art Jar (pic coming soon, hopefully). I don't know if I was having more fun making my fudge (not) or listening to the two of them.

The girls and Mike were off to the movies so Pam and I hit the town. We went to Michael's for an hour and half, drooling over all the things we would like to learn to do. What a blast! We ended up spending a wee bit of money, but not too much, all things considered. Velda, if you're reading this I got another of your 12 day presents. I love and want to keep it for myself, but that is really nothing new!

The next pit stop on our travels was Starbucks! Why oh why did I ever suggest Pam and I try Starbucks? I'm soooooo sorry. Last night was my treat. We take turns since it is so darn expensive, but worth every penny! lol I can't wait to go next time because of course that one is free. Not really, but it works for me!

Off we head to Walmart. Let me tell ya, this 11pm shopping thing can get scary and fast. Again, I didn't spend very much. I did buy the most beautiful centrepiece for my kitchen table. (pics soon, hopefully). Now, I said I didn't spend much, but notice I've not said much about Pam? This woman was too funny. I was using the racks to hold myself up when laughing at her. She bought and bought and bought. I was no help, but she knows when she needs somewhere to set up her box house I'll help her find waterfront property. It might be in front of a puddle, but I'll have tried. Pam, honey, spend it like ya got it!

While at Walmart we hook up with Mary T (Pam's friend, and becoming mine too). After our exhausting shop (poor Mastercard) we come back to my place for a drink, fudge and shortbread cookies. We really needed the sugar rush after the workout Pam gave her Mastercard.

I had a great night considering I was going to be spending a quiet night home alone while the girls were out at the movies. Thanks Pam for always being here for me even when you don't even know! You truly are the greatest and I'm so happy to have you in my life! It is days like this that are so good for the soul.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Horoscope Future Thoughts

Another holy wow horoscope! This is so cool.

Discussions with friends or colleagues about possible future business enterprises could find you taking a lot of notes. Your natural meticulousness should serve you well at this, as it'll be important to have accurate records to discuss later. Any new project begun at this time is likely to succeed, especially if writing, speaking, or other forms of entertainment or creative arts are involved. Don't bother worrying about the specter of possible failure.

I look forward to the future and all that it brings. Today's horoscope is just another reason to be excited about the coming days. You never know what is in store, so on that note keep pushing forward regardless of the struggles and challenges in your way. Today is the day you're given and tomorrow is your future! Live with reckless abandon and with all you have to give. Anything less than all you have you'll be selling yourself and those you love short of the wonderful experiences of your life!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Some Thoughts To Live By

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don''t have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
3. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom. Wish I could
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation.Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

The Gift of a Friend

I've been remiss the last week with posting. I've been struggling to find inspiration to provide something earth shattering or thought invoking to chatter about in this forum. Earth shattering! Who am I kidding? Do I really think I'm that filled with knowledge? I'm a funny funny girl.

I had the honour of hanging out with Wee Krista last night. It was a very spontaneous visit with her, but sometimes they're the best kind. It has been much too long since I've taken the time to make time for Krista. As usual, it was such fun. It wasn't a long time, but it doesn't have to be with good friends.

I'm amazed at times with the ease of flow with this friendship. As I said it's been a while since I've seen Krista, but you'd never know it. It was like we were just together. What a lucky girl I am to have a friend like her in my life! Love ya girl! Now, get to starting your own blog. It'll be fun! Don't worry about being 'all over the place'. You've read mine! It's like an emotional rollercoaster at the best of time. If life is good, the mood is light and fun. If life is a struggle I don't post or it is sad and filled with heavy thoughts.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Holy Horoscope

It is ok to cry today. Realize that the action of releasing is critical to the action of receiving. If you have no sense of fear and restriction, it may be hard for you to experience joy and expansion. Incorporate the good with the bad and let these two powers settle harmoniously within your being. Sew the seeds that will allow you to soar to great heights today, but make sure you are ready to accept the challenges that come along with your growth.

I don't want to cry today! Will I only receive if I cry? I really don't want to cry. I've done enough crying these last couple days. Can that not count for today? Who says it can't count?. I really don't want to cry. I know, I already said that, but it bears repeating.

I have more of a sense of fear and restriction than many would probably realize. I fear so much and one of the most fearful things is being restricted in who I am and what I love. I do believe I have a strong enough sense of fear and restriction to easily experience joy and expansion. I could do with more joy in my life, so I'm thinking I'm coming to the table with a pretty good offering! Bring on the joy! Do I know how to let the good and bad live harmoniously within my being? Personally, I think I do a respectable job of balancing my good and bad. I really want the moment today where I've sewn the seeds that will allow me to soar to great heights, so I'll stand up to the challenges that come along with the growth... anything to soar to great heights.

I will report back with what the day brings. I'm hoping it is something sweet and wonderful and not something heartbreaking. Keep your fingers crossed, okay?

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Holy Creepy!

I've been posting a lot in the last day or two. Sadly of those posts, nothing really from my head or heart (deleted it), but the few posts I've done have been equally important to me, as if these were words from my own mouth.

The lyrics I post are important to me, because they have touched me or fit with something I'm feeling or dealing with at the time I've posted them. My horoscopes are posted only when they are strangely accurate to what I'm dealing with at the time as well. I love how outside sources are parrallel to your own experiences. It is reassuring, but sad to know that others can possibly be dealing with your same issues.

Here is my horoscope for today. I'm seriously a wee bit creeped out about this one. I'm dealing with things and this one just fits my state of being perfectly. How is that so?

Reconnect with your self-worth today, and literally say to yourself out loud, "I am awesome." You are terrific at extending your heart out to others and helping them along with their issues. Now take some of that love and caring and focus it on yourself. Issues having to do with love and romance are of primary concern today and you should take time to evaluate where you are at this stage and nourish this part of your being.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

More Music Today ~ Chris Daughtry

It's Not Over

I was blown away.
What could I say?
It all seemed to make sense.
You've taken away everything,
And I can't deal with that.
I try to see the good in life,
But good things in life are hard to find.
I’ll blow it away, blow it away.
Can we make this something good?
Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.

Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
’Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

I've taken all I can take,
And I cannot wait.
We're wasting too much time
Being strong and holding on.
Can't let it bring us down.
My life with you means everything,
So I won't give up that easily.
I’ll blow it away, blow it away.
Can we make this something good?'
Cause it's all misunderstood.
Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.

Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
’Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

We can't let this get away.
Let it out, let it out.
Don't get caught up in yourself.
Let it out.

Let's start over.
I'll try to do it right this time around.
It's not over.
’Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

Let’s start over.
It's not over, yeah...
This love is killing me,
But you're the only one.
It's not over.

I heard this song today on my way to work. I couldn't recognize the voice. I knew I was familiar with the raspy sound of this beautiful voice, but still couldn't figure it out. Thanks to wonderful search engines I was able to discover that Chris Daughtry from American Idol fame has hit the airwaves.

Chris was my all-time favorite of AI 5 and I was so disappointed when he was eliminated. I still think he was the most talented of the contestants and now I'm on a quest to find his CD.

Don't Make Me!

Another lyric post. This one is:

Don't Make Me

Girl, when I look at you
you look through me
like I'm not even there.
Trying not to give up
to be strong but
I'm afraid to say I'm scared.
I can't find the place
your heart is hiding.
I'm no quitter but
I'm tired of fighting.

Baby I love you
don't wanna lose you
don't make me let you go.
Took such a long time
for me to find you
don't make me let you go.
Baby, I'm begging please
and I'm down here on my knees.
I don't wanna have to set you free.
Don't make me.

What if when I'm long gone
it dawns on you
you just might want me back.
Let me make myself clear
if I leave here
its done, i'm gone. Thats that.
You carry my love around
like it's a heavy burden.
I'm about to take it back.
Are you sure its worth it?

Baby I love you
don't wanna lose you
don't make me let you go.
Took such a long time
for me to find you
don't make me let you go.
Baby, I'm begging please
and I'm down here on my knees.
I don't wanna have to set you free.
Don't make me.

Baby, I'm begging please and I'm down here on my knees.
I don't wanna have to set you free.
Don't make me.
Don't make me.

This is the most recent release from Blake Shelton. I loved this song from the very first time I heard it. I think Blake Shelton is fast becoming a king of the country ballad. This man's music can bring a tear to my eye as quick as a heartbeat!

Today's horoscope

It might take you an extra few minutes to get out of bed today, but when you do, it will be worth it. You will find that the more honest you have been with people, the more payoffs you will see today. Dependability and trustworthiness are key issues that you might find yourself focusing on. Act strong and proud with regard to who you are, and the rewards will come. Bring a certain amount of tenderness to all your actions today.

I certainly hope I can live by these words today. I know not what the day will bring and I mean that to be true on every level, so I hope I can keep these thoughts floating through my head when dealing with my day and those in it.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

WHOA Wine, baby

I've been friends with the ever-wonderful Velda for 11 years and today was the first time I was honoured to share a glass of wine with her, and what a glass of wine that became!

I have to say, as much as sharing the wine was fun, I'm glad it's not something we do often. We got ourselves in enough trouble with one glass of wine consumed over about 45 minutes. If this was a common occurence we'd be in world of hurt. Velda and I were laughing sooooo hard, we had Peter looking at us like he's never seen us before. Poor man! There was one point with Velda, hand over mouth (mouth filled with wine) laughing so hard I thought she was going to spit all over herself. I just sat back, laughing the entire time, reppeating, 'That is going to stain'. Must have said that about 10 times! Too funny and very much 'had to be there moment'.

We have some things on the burner now that, right now, I'm not sure I should divulge. I'll let Velda work her magic and between the two of us, when we decide the time is right, we'll spill the beans! I'm so excited and hope what we're working on can be accomplished. I'm sure with two Virgos at the helm, things will be fine! The vow has been made, the hands have been shook and the promise, no matter what the friendship comes first!

Bring on the wine and the fits of giggles..... Canadian snow storms, V, will represent White. Bring it on, baby! Be specific or else!

I love my life right now (minus a few things that will work out eventually) and look forward to tomorrow more and more and this is just the next step towards a better tomorrow. Yesterday and today have to rate rather high up on the scale of two awesome days. Yesterday with Todd was truly a simple, but most amazing day. I had one of the best days with him yet and today with him was just as sweet and to top it off with Velda and our "New Adventures of Old Velda and Tammy" we should continue on with days like today!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Tu Compania

Sounds real good now
If I could be anywhere with anyone
You know exactly where'd I'd be
Under the covers waiting for the sun to rise
Your head on the pillow next to me

Your feet propped up on that kitchen chair
Morning papers scattered all around you
Coffee brewing on the cast iron stove
And the pleasure of just knowing that your mine

Well, I love the way you look
Love the way you feel
And the way you roll your eyes
At the kisses that I steal
Love the way you stare
When you're staring right at me
I just love your company
Oh, yes, I do

Arm in arm on some
Spring sidewalk day
Laughing just because it feels so right
Wrapped up under the blankets all cozy by the fire
As long as you're here close enough to touch

Well, I love the way you look
Love the way you smell
And I love your pretty eyes
And the lies they never tell
Love the way you stare
when you're staring right at me
I just love your company
Oh, yes, I do
Oh, here we go now

What would my blog be without the weekly ramblings and posting about one song or another and how it touches me? I love this song for many reasons and right now, because it speaks about the simplicity I'm looking for in life, and there are times when I'm living that simple existence and couldn't be happier in those sweet moments.
I thought the eye candy of the very pretty Keith Urban wouldn't hurt either. I love this photo of him, not to mention my hair is semi styled after his!

Monday, December 04, 2006

The Letter 'T'

Why do I let myself get sucked in to these things. There is a letter game going around on blogger and thank you, Velda for sending me my letter.

The Letter T

1. now represents to me a personal growth

2. Tea...Chai Tea is like a warm hug

3. can give so much to someone with just offering your time

4. Thread...otherwise known as 'floss'

5. Truth...without it you have nothing

6. Thank you...use your manners. They're free

7. Thoughtfullness...I try to live my life by being thoughtful of others

8. Talk...something I do too much of some days

9. Today....Every 'today' I wake up is a good day

10. T- Cute Boy ... from turtle to T- Cute Boy and it is as simple a journey as that

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Wonderfully Welcome

I just had the most wonderful afternoon. The only thing missing was my family! What does that really say when you get right down to it?

I spent last night with Cute Boy and his girls. We went to dinner to celebrate Cute Boy's birthday. Today we went to his sister's house for lunch. We didn't get to stay for very long, but the time there was incredible. I'm still really quiet, but I think having met me one time prior to this, they somewhat expected it. I'm really very shy until I get to know people and have never really done well in large crowds of people. I'm so impressed by the warmth shown by Cute Boy's family. We walk in and his sisters are right there giving hugs, me too!!!! Very much an ease setting thing for me.

I've so many estrangements in my life and they break my heart. As I'm leaving the house today, I'm driving with tears rolling down my face. It is so sad to see the destruction of my own family. I'm getting to a point that I'm becoming consumed with thoughts to make this right and just don't know how, not to mention the fact I'm a slight bit cowardly in making the first move. So much time as gone by and hurts have been done that I'm not sure how much there is left to fight for anymore.

All things being said, I did go to my Grandmother's house today ~ step 1. She wasn't home, but I'll keep trying. I left a message and I'll now wait and see what comes of it. My only reservation is that right now with the holidays, I want a reunion with my family because it is what is right not just because the holidays are approaching. Something for the wrong reasons is just wrong no matter how you look at it.

Life in all it's wonder is a gift like no other, but at times it can be so difficult. How is it that things can get so blown out proportion? I think that is why I will do most anything to avoid confrontation. My history dictates when I stand up for myself people walk away. Is it that I'm so much a disposable in their life? Do they miss me or am I just someone 'they use to know'?

A day of questions today is, when all things in my life seem so much clearer than ever before. I feel for the first time in a long time I know where I'm headed, what I want and with whom. I shall again remind myself this life thing is a one-day-at-a-time wonder. I will live each day to be happy, even through the struggles, strive to be the best I can be and settle for nothing less than the best for myself. I think in the end if you've lived a life you can be proud of, you've treated people with the respect they deserve and have done the best you can do for yourself and others in the situation you find yourself at any given time, you've done well. I like to think, thus far, in my life I've done well!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Red High Heels

I love these boots and just had to the have them... boots are my weakness, red is my favorite colour. I was a goner before I even got out of the gate! I can blame Pam all I want, but I know I wanted them, I really really wanted them. I can't wait to wear them now.

In salute to my little red boots, I'll post the lyrics to another song I really like at the moment. What kind of week would it be if I didn't post the lyrics to a song that I love or that has moved me on some level, right?


Baby I’ve got plans tonight

You don’t know nothin’ about
I’ve been sitting around way too long
Trying to figure you out
But you say that you’ll call and you don’t
And I’m spinning my wheels
So I’m going out tonight
In my red high heels

I’m gonna call up that old boyfriend
Who says he has it bad for me
I’m gonna take him into town
Flaunt him around for everyone to see
Well you said so yourself You know the deal
Nobody holds a candle to me
In my red high heels

Well you can watch me walk if you want to, want to
I’ll bet you want me back now don’t you, don’t you
I’m about to show you just how missin’ me feels
In my red high heels

All those games you tried to play
Well they aint gonna work on me now
I put up a barbed wire fence around my heart
Baby just to keep you out
Well you thought I’d wait around forever
But baby get real
I just kicked you to the curb
In my red high heels

Oh you can watch me walk if you want to, want to
I’ll bet you want me back now don’t you, don’t you
I’m about to show you just how missin’ me feels
In my red high heels

The Wonders of Stitching

I'm so happy to know I'm in a place that I've found the love of my stitching again. I know I love it, but when things get crazy I will let my head get in the way and my stitching is the first to suffer. It's strange that I'd let the stitching suffer only because it brings me such calm when I'm able to find the time to dedicate to it.

This past month I only worked on 4 pieces:
Spirit of Christmas ~ 4 hours
Dear Santa ~ 3 hours
Velda's Fairy Grandmother ~ 2 hours 45 minutes (must get this back to her, and soon)
Christmas Ornament ~ 8 hours 50 minutes
Total: 18 hours 35 minutes

All things consider, which is always the determining factor, I'm really quite happy with what I accomplished this past month.

Today is the start of a Stitch-a-thon on the Cross Stitch Board so I'm hoping to be able to get even better numbers for this month, but with Christmas and all that entails, who knows what I'll be able to get done.

I'll do my best to get a few updates posted. Stay tuned!

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Spirit of Christmas

I've been working on this piece for 2+ years now. I'm nowhere near to finished, but I'm still plugging away. I've moved this piece up in my rotation to be my focus piece. It seems to be working, but only when I can find the time to dedicate to my stitching which isn't very often anymore. If it wasn't for work I'd never get any stitching done... how pathetic is that?! So without further adieu here is my most recent progress pic ~ 90 hours (forgive not cropping or cleaning it up at all).

Monday, November 27, 2006

A Warm Safe Place


I feel like an old guitar
Lookin’ for some brand new strings
I never thought I’d get this far
Without savin’ anything…for me
Do you still have that smile for me?
And could I stay here for a while?

I’m lookin’ for a warm safe place
To feel your hand on my face
Let the past roll off of my back
Baby, let’s not talk about that
I just want to make it through the night
Lock the door and hide away
I’m lookin’ for a warm safe place

I’m too young to pack it in
And too damn old to weather this wind
The rain, it just won’t stop it seems
And I’m too stubborn to quit these dreams
But with you, I can finally find some peace
With you, come here, lay down next to me

With you, there is shelter from the storm
With you, can I just stay here in your arms?

I’m lookin’ for a warm safe place
To feel your hand on my face
Let the past roll off of my back
I don’t wanna even talk about that
I just want to make it through the night
Lock the door and hide away; hide away…
I’m lookin’ for a warm safe place

This song is going to be my undoing if I hear it one more time in a weak moment. It it is with all that is going on in my life, I want to live this song. So close, but really how close?

Taking Back My Brave

In true typical fashion I'm back with song lyrics that can say so much better what I feel than anything else. I'm scared to death of the loss I feel as I fight to maintain my strength and hold on, without snuffing out what is important to me.

The highlighted lyrics are what screamed out and caught my attention. I'm simple girl really, with simple desires and needs. I ask not for much, but maybe too much. Who knows.

Taking Back My Brave ~ Carolyn Dawn Johnson
I am from a tiny town
Where I learned how to tough it out
Where I kicked the dirt and my dreams around
To conquer the whole world
My uncle slipped me fifty bucks
Some rolled there eyes and wished me luck
Yeah I spent the first night in the cab of my truck
And I am still that girl

I like a challenge, I like to fly
I'm not always perfect, I'm not always right
When I go to weddings
It always makes me cry
My heart is fragile, and I can be hurt
I can crumble inside at the drop of a word
But I can jump off a limb
Into a river of change
I'm taking back my brave

I kinda lost it for awhile
Had to force myself to smile
I quit going that extra mile
Abandoned my belief
And I spent hours on the phone
Crawling back to my comfort zone

Then I woke up one day and said I'm not running home
It's just not like me cause…

I like a challenge, I like to fly
I'm not always perfect, I'm not always right
Newborn babies always make me cry
My heart is fragile, and I can be hurt
I can crumble inside at the drop of a word
But I can jump off a limb
Into a river of change
I'm taking back my brave

I'm my momma's only girl
The child in the middle
I've been pushing the limits
Since I was little…..yeah

I've been told I think too much and that is probably true. How do I stop it? I wish I could. I think I create more problems in my head than actually exist. I've lived in such a state of always having to be 'on' that I seem to have developed a constant state of worry.

I've had so much loss in my life (death and estrangements) I don't expect people to stick around. I expect them to walk away when the going gets tough and I see that is exactly the way it works for some. It's what I know it's what I've come to expect! I will do what I can to fight the constant questioning, live for today, embrace the time I have with those I love and if tomorrow never comes know in my heart, I loved to the best of my ability and gave nothing more than all I had to give.

With that, I'm Taking Back My Brave! I may soar, I may stumble, I may outright fall, but I will do what I can to make the most of every day! On the difficult days, of that I'm sure there will be, I will come back to this entry and try and pull the strength from it!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Turtle Time

As much as my entry from yesterday was one of trying not to let this situation with Queenie drag me down, it is doing just that.

I'm trying to keep things in perspective and believe that things will get better. They will I'm sure but from now until then will be difficult. I'm tired of the struggle and feeling I'm not getting anywhere. I've come so far, but I'm right back where I was not too long ago.

I can feel the moments of Turtle Time returning and that bothers me alot. I try to be with Princess in hopes of not letting her shut down, but she views me as the problem, so I keep my distance as does she. She is in such pain and I have to give her the space to work things through. The situation with Queenie is hitting her harder than when the separation first took place. I know this is because they had each other and now she feels alone.

I'm the adult and I should act like it, broken heart or not! I know the more Queenie pushes me away, the more I fight the turtle taking over. I keep looking at my little tattoo and try to remember the push to get out of that dark time. It was easier then than it is now. I had the girls to be strong for then and I still have Princess to push for, but with her pushing away makes it all the more challenging.

I can live with regrets and look back at the mistakes I made to get me to this point. I know there isn't much to be gained from looking back, but I do it just the same. I'm most disappointed in myself for not being a better parent when things first went awry. Being the friend not the parent... is what put me right where I am! How did I not see this happening? I didn't see it happening because I didn't want to. I was being a 'great' parent! What a joke. Now that I try to be a parent and have respect given, I see how percarious things in my house have been. When a child has another place to run when things don't go the way they want, they get to run! Knowing what I did wrong after the fact won't change what has already been done, but maybe I'll learn from this disastrous mistake and not repeat it!

Saturday, November 25, 2006


WOW!!! What a week. It has been only one week since my entry of 'A Year In The Life'. I was in such a place of peace, happiness and excitement for what tomorrow might bring. Now, in many areas of my life, I'm fearful of what tomorrow will bring! Living with a sense of fear isn't something I want to do, but who does?

I want to be motivated by what is good, not by fear. I will get strong but yet again, and face what is thrown my way. I have no choice in the matter. Things will be how things will be. I'm scared to death, but will no longer live in a place that isn't good for me. I need to know that what I do is right, even if not respected for trying to do what is right. I'm far from perfect, but I've always tried to treat others with respect, anything short of that in return is something I can not accept.

The ebb and flow of life is just that. I will ride this out with an optimistic view that tomorrow will be better. I'm still blessed with some amazing friends that support me through the drama of my life and for that, still, I'm thankful.

If a lesson is learned not all is lost. In this one, I've learned to appreciate what you have when you have it. You never know when it'll all come crashing down around you. I will cherish that kiss, the kind word, the hugs, the quiet times and not so quiet times.

Friday, November 24, 2006


I'm going in to a self imposed hiatus until things in my life settle down. I want this blog to be something of fun, thought invoking (from me), not a place of disappointing and broken hearted posts.

I'll be back, of that I'm sure! I just don't know when or in what capacity I'll return to this sweet special place.

Take care,


Thursday, November 23, 2006

Words To Live By...

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9 Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.


I've received this e-mail a few times over the years, but receiving it today it couldn't have come at a better time nor from a better 'sender'. I thank you!!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


It's been quite the day! Is that anything new? Not really. There will be peace, of this I'm sure. I just need to be patient and let things play out how they may. Here is a little interesting reading. My horoscope today:

Things may be coming to a dramatic climax for you today, Tammy , and it may seem like everything is working against you. Take note that this is an excellent time for you to find balance in things and gain a much greater perspective on the nagging issues in your life. If you are trying to figure out where your heart and brain are hiding, you should look on the opposite side of the world. They are over there discussing things together.

I don't know that there is or ever will be balance in my life. Juggling is something I'm better at than balancing. See the circus analogy? My life is like that circus some days....complete and utter peace to be quickly followed by madness and heartache. Whatever it is my heart and head are discussing on the opposite side of the world, I wish they'd soon come to a conclusion because I'm going crazy here ~ seriously crazy!

I long for quiet. I long for peace. I long for a warm drink while wrapped in a warm blanket buried under the covers to block out all the thoughts. Sleep gives me no rest and the quiet is filled with a deafening roar. Running away is never the answer.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

A Year In The Life

This day is a day I've been waiting for now for some time. This day marks what was a very sad day at the time I was living it, but now looking back, a day that was inevitably going to happen. I just was never in a place that I would have thought it would be a good thing, or something I was strong enough to endure. Today is the 1 year anniversary of the final day in my marriage. It is this day, one year ago my husband and I decided to call it quits. I couldn't be happier today and that is somewhat of a gift in itself, if anything is. I will not have this entry be something of sadness, because it is anything but sadness I feel today. It isn't that I'm without emotion of now raising my children in a broken home, but with all my heart I think it is a happier home for them with only one parent that is happy, rather than two that are just going through the motions.

I dedicate this post today to the things I've learned in the last year. There are many, they are simple, they are anything but, and only a few things would I change. I will live the next year of my life with the same openness to change and life being what life is, as I did this last year. I would wake up some days in the last year and not know what was next to challenge me and with that same spirit I look forward to this coming year and everything I've yet to do, be and experience.

Things I've Learned In The Last Year

  • I'm stronger than I ever believed
  • I'm not as strong as I wish to be
  • My daughters are amazing and have taught me more about myself than most anyone
  • I dislike fighting
  • I've been blessed with the most amazing friends a person could ever have
  • I must have music in my life most every minute of every day
  • Out of heartache good can come, really heartfelt good
  • I like myself much better than I have in the past
  • I have more friends that I would have known only one year ago
  • Each day is a gift. Don't waste it.
  • Corona is one heck of a drink!
  • Corona tastes best with friends ~ Mary and Krista can attest to that!
  • Never give up. Tomorrow could be the day that changes your life
  • Laughter heals your heart better than anything else
  • Coworkers you think are just that, turn out to be more friends than ever imagined
  • Being a single parent is exhausting
  • A broken heart will heal
  • Music can and does heal most anything
  • I'm softer and think more which in turn makes me quieter ~ imagine!
  • I'm not afraid to feel for another and do so deeply
  • I can not and will not judge the now, by the sins of yesterday
  • I fight becoming bitter, annoyed at actions, but not bitter
  • I'm okay being alone, but right now I don't have to be
  • Want and need are worlds apart
  • Things I used to think important, I don't now
  • The grass always seems to need cutting
  • I will always struggle to maintain the balance between what I want and what is expected of me
  • I used to take people for granted and now work to change this
  • I hate asking for help which in turn shows weakness not strength
  • I'm thankful for everything that has put me right here right now

Hats off to the following people that have made a special difference in my surviving the last year. Not surviving in a desperate sense, but in helping me figure out myself and where I was heading when I was so overwhelmed with it all.

In no way does the order mean anything other than the way the thoughts fell out of my head.

Pam I don't know where to begin in thanking you for all you've done for me. You've done it all without expecting anything in return. You were the first one I called and you dropped it all to be there for me.... I mean dropped it all! You left your friend and family in the mall parking lot for me! I thank you, and now looking back I crack up at what I asked of you and what you gave that day. You always were and still are only a phone call away.

You have now taken this 'leave us alone' approach to the whole sordid mess of this divorce. That 'we/us', when I first read it, brought me to tears. It was that statement when I knew you were in this for the long haul. You would remember this 'anniversary' date when I would forget it.... you're too much and I'm so thankful to have you in my life. 'We' are so close to the end, but still so much to be done yet.... keep that phone line open for the call forwarding when the pressure increases. I might just take you up on that offer. Now, 'GitRDone'

Mary Sweetie, how I love you! You're one of the most amazing women I've the pleasure of calling friend. I couldn't love you more if I tried. You've been sooo good to me and good for me. You've given me some of the best advice and showed me by example what it is to be a strong independent woman. If I can come out of this learning one thing it is I'm blessed for you in my life. Taking me back to this day last year, "OMG, I'm not wearing any socks".... what the hell? Love ya, hon!

Velda Where do I begin? The support and friendship you've given are priceless gifts, of that I'm sure. The wonder of our friendship is in the comfort we have with each other. Sitting quiet, finishing each others sentences, never needing to finish them, the laughter, the tears are just a few things that come to mind when I think of you!

I think back to a few things you've done for me over the last year and there are many. I can still burst out laughing at the image of me on your couch in my sad little state curled up in your purple blanket I love so much, with you strutting your stuff in your purple presents. Too funny, you and your purple fashion show. That scarf and flip flops, still hilarious. The afternoon with Pam and the whole 'Moanona' (don't even know how to spell it) still gets me laughing uncontrollably. Now who's the smitten kitten?

Simple words will never come close to imply what I feel for you and what you represent to me. I've said it before and I'll say it again I'm so blessed to have you in my life. I'm the one that really comes out on the winning end of this friendship! Love ya, sweetie.

Krista, Wee Krista Starting at the beginning is probably best! We started this friendship of ours prior to the end of my marriage. I'm so thankful for that small start. If not for those few outings I'd have missed out meeting one of the most amazing and inspiring women. How different, and not in a good way, would my life be without you in it. I'm so glad you were like a little kid in kindergarten and sent that e-mail.... what would I do without you?

Without you I'd not have had such a fun experience of my 'first' Corona! I thank you for that. Even me spilling it all over the table with my little thumb! The acohol abuse, imagine. I couldn't count nor would I want to know how many I've drank since then! My UFC Buddy and the alcohol abuse that first UFC at my place, scraping the spilled liquor in the blender... gotta love it. Painting with you is too fun... get it done and get the drinks a flowing. You marathoning home from Boston Pizza is too funny and still brings on the giggles.... Chariots of Fire inspired was you! You'd think all we did together is drink, but I know differently!

As we age it is more difficult to make friends, but with you and I its as though we've been friends forever. I hope forever is exactly where this friendship is headed. I look forward to that 40th of yours since I had to miss the 30th. Just think it will be a 10+ year friendship at that point! Tammy Turtle loves Wee Krista.

Debbie How you've grown to mean so much to me in the last year. You've always been here for me in your own sweet way. It took this past year for me to see for what it really is ~ a gift. It just hit me one day I've been friends with you now, longer than I've been married. For whatever reason, that just amazes me. You've been through the home pregnancy test for Princess, the first split, the second split and now this final split. If was a big moment in my life, it was usually with you I shared the day. Your generosity the last year is second to none and I am the one the comes out the winner in this friendship.

The laughter I've shared with you is something I cherish above most anything else. When the office door gets shut, look out because we're up to no good. I know without fail I can tell you absolutely anything, show you anything (I'll try to keep my pants on), ask you anything and depend on you for most things as long as it doesn't interrupt your sleep. Just kidding! I love you, but you knew that already!

My Cross Stitch Friends People will look at internet friends as not 'real friends', I beg to differ. You woman, and you know who you are, are some of the best friends a person could have. Who would have thought a simple craft and a place to share the love of that craft would bring such love and friendship to my life. To think I've never met so many, and will probably never meet you, I feel like you know me better than some I share my 'real' life with.

There have been phone calls, e-cards, e-mails, cyberhugs and overall support for all I've done and yet to do. You offer a safe place for me to share the trials and successes of my life. I can not thank you enough for never giving up on me and encouraging me to put needle to thread again after such painful comments which threw me emotionally off balance for sooo long.

I look forward to the many years of friendship yet to be with each of you. I love you like you'll never know and I'm blessed to share in the parts of your life you give each day.

Leigh ~ Girl, how I love you! I will never be able to do justice to you and what you bring to my life. You came into my life as a family member and you've become so much more than that. You are a friend and someone I'm more than blessed to have in my life. This relationship we share could have gone either way with the end of my marriage, but I believe it is this love of each other that has enabled us to continue this friendship and let it grow and not suffer from outside influences.

In the earliest days of my marriage demise, it was Mike and you that were holding the net when I was freefalling! I thank you for that and so much more than simple words could show, I love you like no other. It is fate that brought you to my life and your wonderful spirit that has kept you there. I love you, sweetie!

Cute Boy I've mentioned you many times throughout this blog without using your name, but today I feel I have to give you your due in the process of the tipping of my hat to those who have been instrumental in my growth.

We have known each other and been friends for years which makes this new element to our relationship so much easier. I have a trust in you that makes these new, exciting steps all the more exciting. I've said it many times, wherever we travel in this journey together, I'm thankful for everything that lead me to you. I would take every hurt, tear and mistake ten times over, if at the end of the day it is with you I'm sharing my life. You represent to me a faith in another I thought I'd given up on, but one look from you I'm thankful for the risk.

You bring out the best in me. I'm in such a wonderful place right now and it is with that thought, I thank you. You're so good to me and even better for me. You challenge me, you inspire me to be a better person than I thought I could be, you show me how it is to not give up and you do this with a softness I appreciate more than I think you're aware. The simplicity of what I feel for you, is that I absolutely adore you and with that there is so much more. Every day I learn more about you and even more about myself. Wherever we go, whatever we do, as long as I'm sharing these things with you, right here, right now I'm right where I want to be! I look forward to what tomorrow brings! May you never question the depth of emotion or commitment I feel for you.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Get To Know Me Christmas

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot Chocolate
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Both
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Red
4. Do you hang mistletoe? not in the past, but maybe this year
5. When do you put your decorations up? They are up right now
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Stuffing
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Too many to list
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I don't remember
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Pajamas
10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? Downstairs tree will be with homemade ornaments (countryish) Upstairs will be red and gold
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love it when it's pretty and falling, dread driving in it.
12. Can you ice skate? I can, but it is a sight.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? A snowman-like belly peircing from Princess last year
14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? My daughters' happiness and being with those I love.
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Pumpkin pie.... pumpkin anything really.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Watching A Christmas Carol
17. What tops your tree? I forget, I'm sorry
18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? Without a doubt, giving
19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? Too many to list
20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? Yum!

Think not. Live

My horoscope today leads me to this thought: Think not. Live

I've not always been one to read my horoscope, but lately I've become quite enthralled with what it predicts. This is an interesting prediction today. Is it like the music? Does it fit because we want it to fit, or does it fit because it just fits? The striking comment is

the changes within your outward surrounding represent reflections of
transformations taking place within you

An increase in your financial status could lead to changes within your household. You might choose to redecorate, or purchase new furniture, or you might actually decide to move to a better place. A member of the household might move out. Although it may seem illogical, Tammy , the changes within your outward surroundings represent reflections of transformations taking place within you. Don't let fear or inertia cause you to hold back. Go with the flow.

I've been wanting to fix my house up for some time now and sell it. I love my house, but I think in my heart of hearts I'm ready for a change. I always find it sad when people fix their house to the way they want it, they sell it. I waited so long when I was married to have my house the way I wanted it to be, but something other than fixing the house or finishing the house was always more important. Now that I own the house myself, I have limited money to fix it up, but it is what I really want to do. I want to put my personality on my home. I want, and this may sound as though I'm superficial with all my wants, but that's not it at all, it is that I've discovered things I want to surround me in my home and they are:

~A harvest (country farm) table ~ looking but having a hard time finding one.
~A country type photograph to hang on the wall by the kitchen table... looking and finding a few to choose from.
~I'm aching to finish my bedroom. I have most everything for it. I want a room that is soft and warm, a place that I can just be. A place that represents the deepest of me and a sense of 'awww' when I walk in the room. I think I can pull it off. I hope I can!
~Finish my computer room into a sports (mostly Yankee) themed room.
~I would love to have someone come in and paint a NY city skyline on the wall at my back.
~I want a country cottage type door hung in the front of the house. I own it, I just have to get it hung up.
~I want to get things started in the girls' rooms.

All this from a horoscope! Imagine if this floats out from one little horoscope, all the frightening, but wonderful thoughts filling my head.

Monday, November 13, 2006

The Value of a Friendship - ode to Velda

There is no value that could ever be attatched to the gift of a friend.

I had the most amazing day with the most amazing woman. Over the years we've been around the block a few times. It has been the challenges of our life that has probably taught us most about each other. I know we're alot alike in many ways and vastly different in others, but I know without a doubt whatever my need, I'll always have you in my corner.

A simple 'Welcome to the neighbourhood' from you one Hallowe'en night and how many years later we have this friendship that respresents so much to me. You bring a grounding to my willy nilly ways and a laughter to my foolishness. You never hesitate to ask the hard questions and give the space and time I need to find the answers. I can't imagine the number of sentences that never get finsihed, at least not by me, maybe by you, but most definetely not me. You welcome me to your life with a hug (every time) and I couldn't love you more for each and every one. Who would have seen this friendship grow so strong? I surely didn't see it, especially through the troubles we had. I think the troubles, as sad as they were at the time, turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

We may not always agree with what the other does or believes, but the support is something never questioned. I have a confidence in your belief in me that brings tears to my eyes. I know I can tell you anything without judgement. Deep from the heart feelings that you just let me throw around. Sometimes I don't even let the words come and you know what they are ~ you're priceless. Blessed is I, loved is you.

Never for one minute, wherever this road leads in our life, question my love and respect for you. You are a most amazing woman and I'm so thankful for the day we became friends.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Alyssa Lies

Alyssa Lies

My little girl met a new friend,
just the other day,
on the playground at school
between the tires and the swings

But she came home with tear-filled eyes,
and she said to me "Daddy, Alyssa lies"

Well I just brushed it off at first,
'cause I didn't know how much my little girl had been hurt
or the things she had seen.
I wasn't ready when I said "You can tell me"

and she said...

"Alyssa lies to the classroom,
Alyssa lies everyday at school,
Alyssa lies to the teachers
as she tries to cover every bruise"

My little girl laid her head down that night to go to sleep.
As I stepped out the room, I heard her say a prayer so soft and sweet
"God bless my mom and my Dad
and my new friend, Alyssa
*oh*I know she needs you bad

Because Alyssa lies to the classroom,
Alyssa lies everyday at school,
Alyssa lies to the teachers
as she tries to cover every bruise"


I had the worst night of sleep in years
as I tried to think of a way to calm her fears
I knew just what it was I had to do *I knew exactly what I had to do*
but when we got to school on Monday I heard the news

My little girl asked me why everybody looked so sad
the lump in my throat grew bigger
with every question that she asked.
Until I felt the tears run down my face
and I told her that Alyssa wouldn't be at school today

'Cause she doesn't lie in the classroom
she doesn't lie anymore at school
Alyssa lies with Jesus
because there's nothin' anyone would do

Tears filled my eyes when my little girl asked me why
Alyssa lies
*Oh Daddy, oh* Daddy tell me why
Alyssa lies

by: Jason Michael Carroll

I heard this song last night. I didn't expect it to be so powerful or move me like it did. By the end of the song my entire body was a goosebump and tears just rolled down my face. I'm not so sure if it's that having Alyssa's name in the title makes it even worse, whatever it is breaks my heart.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Things I know

I love to have my neck kissed
I dislike slow drivers in the left lane
I love the sweet smell of cologne
I dislike rude people
I love to be held
I worry too much what people think of me
I no longer worry if my children like me. That is for another time and the cost of that is too high
I love the colour red
I love to be snuggled
I am a softer more gentle person than I was just a year ago
I don't worry about growing old
I like myself more now that I ever have before
I miss the time I use to have to read
I am more at peace than ever before in my life
I love Autumn
I dislike Winter and hate being cold
I own more than enough pairs of jeans
I would love to be able to buy a new pair every 2 weeks (payday)
I love buying hair styling products
I hate the time it takes to do my hair
I love wearing baseball hats, but don't very often anymore
I love the reason for not wearing the ballcaps much anymore
I love the smell of warm bread
I love to watch fire burn
I listen to music most every minute of my day
I love where I am in my life right this minute
I know I was so afraid of being a failure and now know I'm going to be fine
I love to have candles burning
I love my friends more than I think they know
I know I'm in a wonderful place right now

I think for now, that is more than enough of what I know. You'd think I had something profound to say, but not so much! Just a bunch of nattering on a night I can't sleep and again, thoughts running through my head.

Sweet dreams to you as I clear my head and go to bed!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Are you opened or closed?

Do you have an open approach to life where you welcome people and experiences to your life or do you close off and stay in your safe zone, fearful of change?

I find if I look honestly at my life I'd have to say I'm a combination of both. I've closed the door on some and have to figure out a way, if there is one, to open those doors. It is though sometimes there is a huge hurdle keeping the door closed and regardless of how I push to open it the door slams in my face. I will get to the point that it hurts too much so I'll stop pushing.

I've always tried to look at life as an adventure, although I'm not that adventurous in nature. I'm not one to have a lot of 'friends', but I have a lot of friends. By that I mean I know a lot of people and can call them friends, but really they would be acquaintances. Can you really ever share your life with too many people? If you bring one person in or are brought in to another's life, is that not just one more person to learn from, laugh with, and possibly build a future? I don't mean a future the sense of a future of togetherness so much, but more a history with another person. Is it not that everyday you're touched by the friendship and love of another you're better for it?

Looking at life from the closed approach, for me is just so very sad. I know people are different and need different things out of life and in saying so, I could understand a person's need for private individual time. What I struggle with is the constant desire to be alone rather than take a risk and possibly experience something new or different than what you know. Is introverted different from loner? Is loner different from being alone? That I know, most definitely!

My life and thoughts are such a struggle at times. I do what I can to find balance and realize that life is not easy and the older I get the more struggles I'm facing. My life isn't turning out quite the way I expected, but I know in my deepest, sweetest and most private thoughts I'm right where I want to be right now. I wouldn't change a day of my history if I would end up somewhere other than where I am at this very moment. Regardless of where my future takes me, be it good times, struggles, love and loss I will take every day with the open approach I've come to embrace and travel the adventurous road that has become my life. Closing off is a risk I'm not willing to take and will never settle for anything less than following my heart and dreams. Closing off is a loss of life and a lesson some may never learn because of being closed off in the first place.

What Does Love Mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What Does Love Mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So, my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"

Common Denominator

I'm in a real funk lately and it is getting old and fast. There isn't much I can see right now to change things, so it is here that I come to get the garbage out of my head in hopes of atleast getting things processed on some level. Please bare with me. I'm hoping there is light at the end of this dark, dank and cold tunnel.

How honestly do you think you see your life and those in your life? Surrounding me are questions such as this, and I can't seem to escape them no matter how much I try. I'm faced with hard questions with even harder answers.

Do you ever really know someone or do you only know what he or she wants you to know? I've had this conversation a few times with a very special friend (love ya, Jane) and it is now a question weighing heavy on my mind.

I'm coming out of a 15-year marriage that has taught me many things about myself and about my ex-husband. This past year has been one filled with trials, tribulations, tears, laughter, struggles and most importantly a new appreciation of who I am as a person. I've learned I'm stronger than I could ever imagine. I'm softer than in the past, not so edgy or ready to snap. I used to think I had a good life, but I think it was all smoke and mirrors, so I've also learned to be a bit mistrusting. This mistrust is new for me and not something I'm comfortable with and hope to change.

The smoke and mirrors is bringing me back to how well you really know someone. Do I really have this Polly Anna view of the world, or my world at least that I only see what I want to see? I wonder this because I've come to find I was married to a man, boy really, that I never honestly knew and if I did, it has been years since I truly knew him. My children are in a place right now that I don't really recognize them for who I thought they were as people. I'm not pleased with the character they've shown lately. It isn't so much that they’re not doing as I want them to do, but more to the point they aren't showing the character with which they were raised. I look at this situation and am probably hardest on myself than anyone else in asking, 'Did you see only what you wanted to see?' Of the family of four that I used to be part, I'm the common denominator of all these people in thinking people not being who I thought they were. Is it me? I think maybe it is! How could 3 people be so good at smoke and mirrors that I'm convinced of one thing but it actually being something else entirely? True to pattern, and it's an ugly pattern, I take the blame and the hit for this one! It is what I do and do it well.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

To Stand or To Fall?

Lately I've noticed music is playing more and more a factor in my life. It is representative of a lot things for me and over the last year I'd have not gotten through tough times if not for some very good friends and along with those friends, music.

I'm sitting here at work. The dead of night and the racing of my thoughts will not stop. I'm struggling with things which is the point of my life right now. I'm so close, or so I think, to true, honest heartfelt happiness and I'm afraid of losing it all. I'm afraid of losing my kids, their appreciation, respect of others, a man I've come to care for more deeply than I think even he is aware.

On the radio comes this song. The lyrics don't fit my life exactly, but the message is simple. I'm moving on. I can no longer be controlled by someone no longer in my life. Thankfully no longer in my life for I wouldn't be where I am so desperately content and happy if I could be left to enjoy it for one minute... one minute is all I ask. I just have to be strong enough to take the stand and hold my ground. I hope I'm doing the right thing and I don't lose it all, and I mean all when I say 'all'. What is the cost of being true to yourself? Is the cost too high to take the stand or is the cost too high to not? Is it selling out yourself if you don't hold true to what you know is right? Take the hit from the one doing the hitting? When will the hitting end? Today? Unlikely. Tomorrow? I think not! Ever? Probably never!

"I'm Moving On"

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Sunday, October 29, 2006

More uplifting than implied

Just Let Me Be In Love

My breath is short my heart is beating fast
Everytime I smile at him he's smiling back
If I'm dreaming please just let me sleep
Anyone can see he's too good for me
Oh, give it time, he'll find out soon enough
Just let me have and hold him till he does

What we've got going on is so incredible
This chemistry between us feels so wonderful
But knowing me I'll probably
Find a way to mess it up
Who knows, who cares, right now
Just let me be in love

Don't concern me with reality
Don't convince me he's too heavenly
Forget the future disregard the past
Those are questions I don't wanna ask
To my heart, all that matters is tonight
Just let me live this moment in his eyes

What we've got going on is so incredible
This chemistry between us feels so wonderful
But knowing me I'll probably
Find a way to mess it up
Who knows, who cares, right now
Just let me be in love

Changed to apply woman to man rather than man to woman as originally sung by Tracy Byrd.

This song is more upbeat, I think, than the lyrics alone would lead you to believe. I was just listening to the lyrics and was moved by them. It really got me to thinking though. Why is it that a song just seems to fit in with things going on in your life. Is it becuase you want to see it that way or is it really the depth of music? I wonder if it can be just too easy to make the words fit how you want them to fit. Is it manipulation of the words or the words really mimic your life? I'm too tired to give this much more contemplation than I've just done. I guess for now I'm best to leave the pondering for another day.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

'Awwww' is about the only thing that fits this feeling.

For the first time in a long time I feel such a sense of peace in my life. It seems as though out of nowhere this peace presents itself and surrounds me. I didn't see it coming which I guess makes it all the sweeter. Take one day at a time, however that day may play itself out, for one never knows what might be standing right in front of you, beside you, behind you or just over the horizon. It is the unknown that can frighten, encourage or simply fuel you to continue on when all hope feels lost. If I could teach a lesson it would be that, never give up hope. I'm glad I never did!

I thank you for all you are, all you bring out in me. The promise of tomorrow is sweet, the risk and thrill of today is more than I could ask. Whatever tomorrow brings, be it with you or without I'm thankful for every moment I've shared with you thus far.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Blind Horse

I'm just full of words today. I received this today from a very special person. It is a very moving e-mail that really touched me.

The Blind Horse...

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a
distance, each looks like every other horse.
But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something
quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that
he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has
made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.

If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking
around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the
smaller horse in the field. Attached to her halter is a small bell. It
lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.
As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see how she is always
checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly
walk to where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray. When
she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops
occasionally and looks back, making sure her friend isn't too far behind
to hear the bell.

Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just
because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges.
He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when
we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the
little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives. Other times
we are the guide horse, helping others see.

Good friends are like this ....... You don't always see them, but you
know they are always there. Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind
of battle."

Wedding vows that wow me

I just recently attended a wedding of two poeple I love so much. To be a part of their day was a gift in many ways. It showed me to trust in the faith of loving another and putting yourself out there for whatever may come your way. One never knows what will come in time and to have the faith, love and commitment of another is such a gift. Watching these two people pledge their lifetime commitment and love was beautiful in that it was watching the joining of best friends.

The bride and groom did not write their own vows, but took pieces of vows from various sources and fit them to their love and history. I was struck by many of the verses and the one that is stuck in my head and touches me most: "I will love you enough to risk being hurt" If I take the time to really let the words sink in they will still bring tears to my eyes.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The wonders of my life

I'm at a point in my life that songs just seem to better express my feelings than any words I could string together. I'm a huge lover of music, especially country and this song is a perfect example of why I'm so moved by music.

"The Day Before You"

I had all but given up on finding
The one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready settled for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was all the day before you

Now you're here and everything changes
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I would never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
Makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you

The Heaven knows those years without you
Shaping my heart for the that day I found you
You're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you

Now you're here and everything changes
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I would never have to go back to
The day before you

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Riding the wave wherever it leads

How is it that life is just like that. I'm usually very guarded in how I communicate but this post will be nothing of the sort.

My head is racing with thoughts that don't form or will never finish. I have to wonder what it is I'm trying to say if anything. You just never know what will come of your life, why it will happen the way it does. Do you try to figure it out or just ride it out?

I'm very much a thinker, this much I know. I'm always analyzing things to death, so I'm told. I don't know how to stop so I just give up. I try to know why it is I do what I do. It's the way I'm made I guess. I can't figure out the answers to things so for now I'm going to do my best to stop asking the questions. Things will be how things will be and nothing much I do can stop it, if I so wanted things stopped, which I dont. Life is about living it, enjoying it. That is where I am right now, I guess as strange as that sounds.

Here is a little something that can maybe better describe my thoughts....


At a diner down on Broadway they make small talk
When she brings his eggs and fills his coffee cup
He jokes about his love life
And tells her he's 'bout ready to give up
That's when she says,"I've been there before
But keep on lookin' 'cause maybe who you're lookin' for is..."

Somebody in the next car
Somebody on the morning train
Somebody in the coffee shop
That you walk right by everyday
Somebody that you look at
But never really see
Somewhere out there is somebody

Across town in a crowded elevator
He can't forget the things that waitress said
He usually reads the paper
But today he reads a strangers face instead
It's that blue-eyed girl from two floors up
Maybe she's the one maybe he could fall in love with

Somebody in the next car
Somebody on the morning train
Somebody in the coffee shop
That you walk right by everyday
Somebody that you look at
But never really see
Somewhere out there is somebody

Now they laugh about the moment that it happened
A moment they'd both missed until that day
When he saw his future in her eyes
Instead of just another friendly face
And he wonders why he searched so long
When she was always there at that diner waiting on

Somebody in the next car
Somebody on the morning train
Somebody in the coffee shop
That you walk right on by everyday
Somebody that you look at
But never really see
Somewhere out there is somebody

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Queen of questions and not a lot of answers

Where does the time go?

You look in the eyes of your newborn sweet baby girl and it's like all of a sudden she's 13. It's not as though I'm shocked by the number of her age, but by the passing of time. She's always been mature for her age, almost too mature, really. Did I push her to be so? I wonder.

Why is it my children have a birthday and I get melancholy? I get weepy every time either of the girls have a birthday. I like to think it's not being self-absorbed and thinking about myself, but that I do so because of the memory of what it was like to first hold them, love them, smell them. The promise of their life in those first few moments come back on each and every birthday. As each one comes and goes I'm faced with the fact my babies need me less and less everyday. Is that a good thing? I think so at times. I like to think it means on some level I've done a good job in raising independent incredible young woman so far.

I didn't do the forming and nurturing alone, but lately I have and that brings with it a certain amount of sadness, but on some narcissistic, level, pride as well. I would never have dreamed in a million years to be raising my daughters in a broken home, but a home that is happier. I try to keep a positive spin on life and I find at times like this, I struggle. The cost of divorce is high. Where is there a positive to be found in a 13 year old girl that doesn't see her father on her birthday? If there is one, someone enlighten me, because I sure as heck can't see it. I would move a mountain to be with my children. Does that make me a hero? I think not. Does it make me judgemental of those that do differently? That really is the question. What is more important than your children? A tattoo? A shopping trip? Help me out here would ya, I'm confused.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Keith Urban in concert

How do you top a day like this? Oh, I don't think that is possible as far as seeing performers. Seeing Keith in concert is something I've wanted to do for some time now.

Awwww, the dreams of little girls. This is one hot honey of a man! I've been fortunate to see a lot of live acts and seeing Keith Urban is a dream come true. There has never been an artist smile as much as Keith did throughout his concert. From his first song to his last you could tell he was having a blast.

I was able to enjoy the concert with Jane, Sam and Lily. It couldn't have been any more fun. Jane is such a huge Keith fan. As soon as I knew Keith was going to be in Syracuse I knew Jane and I had to be there. The only difficult thing and it wasn't really difficult just a bit uncomfortable was Lillian and Sam. The girls used to be best friends, but they have since grown apart and didn't talk to each other much at all. They both enjoyed the concert, but I think it was a bit tough for them. I'm surprised from all the clapping I did during the concert my hands weren't bruised like they were after seeing Garth.

A little disappointed because I have no pictures of Keith in concert. I hate being one to follow the rules! It was stated no cameras allowed, but people had cameras, but not me ~ NO, not me.

I did a bit of shopping while in Watertown (driving through) and Syracuse. I love shopping in the states. I think this stems from all the episodes of 'The Price is Right' that I used to watch as a child. I've always had a love affair with America and the American way of life so shopping in the states is always such fun!

What concert next? I'll have to keep my eyes open for some good hot act to catch sometime soon.