Sunday, November 26, 2006

Turtle Time

As much as my entry from yesterday was one of trying not to let this situation with Queenie drag me down, it is doing just that.

I'm trying to keep things in perspective and believe that things will get better. They will I'm sure but from now until then will be difficult. I'm tired of the struggle and feeling I'm not getting anywhere. I've come so far, but I'm right back where I was not too long ago.

I can feel the moments of Turtle Time returning and that bothers me alot. I try to be with Princess in hopes of not letting her shut down, but she views me as the problem, so I keep my distance as does she. She is in such pain and I have to give her the space to work things through. The situation with Queenie is hitting her harder than when the separation first took place. I know this is because they had each other and now she feels alone.

I'm the adult and I should act like it, broken heart or not! I know the more Queenie pushes me away, the more I fight the turtle taking over. I keep looking at my little tattoo and try to remember the push to get out of that dark time. It was easier then than it is now. I had the girls to be strong for then and I still have Princess to push for, but with her pushing away makes it all the more challenging.

I can live with regrets and look back at the mistakes I made to get me to this point. I know there isn't much to be gained from looking back, but I do it just the same. I'm most disappointed in myself for not being a better parent when things first went awry. Being the friend not the parent... is what put me right where I am! How did I not see this happening? I didn't see it happening because I didn't want to. I was being a 'great' parent! What a joke. Now that I try to be a parent and have respect given, I see how percarious things in my house have been. When a child has another place to run when things don't go the way they want, they get to run! Knowing what I did wrong after the fact won't change what has already been done, but maybe I'll learn from this disastrous mistake and not repeat it!

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