Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Dump List

  • I am tired
  • I have worked 82.5 hours in 7 days
  • I haven't run since Sunday
  • I think I have a plan about my debt that has given me some piece of mind
  • I'm still stressed about my debt ratio and my overall debt load, even with the plan
  • I'm feeling thick and chunky today
  • I can't wait until Thursday at 5pm - I'm off until Tuesday unless I get called in to the p/t job which would be good AND bad!
  • It is almost Easter which means Coke Zero. How bad is that? I'm losing sight of the reason of the Easter season. I'm not strong like Tash - sorry, sweetie :)
  • Still working hard on the Relay for Life Team ~ Velda's Angels is currently moving strong to a good fundraising goal.

How much of a whiner do I sound like today? I'm just mentally exhausted. You would think it's the other way around, that I would be physically exhausted since I'm running on about 5 hours of sleep per night for the last week, but the stress of this debt is killing me mentally.

I feel as though I'm going it alone and I hate that feeling. If it weren't for Pam to bounce ideas and my stressful thoughts off of right now, I'd be certifiable. I've been so dependant upon Pam lately and spending more time with her than with anyone else, I've asked her to marry me. She said, "No!" Can you imagine her turning down such a sweet offer.... she doesn't know what she's missing.

On that note, I'm signing off in search of my good attitude. If anyone sees it can you send it home, please I miss it.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Horses, Cows and Rides, Oh My

My longest run to date 13.1

The weather was crisp and extremely windy. I felt at times I was over dressed and then at other times annoyed with myself for forgetting little mittens. I hit the road with Keith (no last name necessary), Tim and Faith, some Rob Thomas, Jay-Z and Alicia Keys, Chris Brown (bad decision maker) and Lady A.

I find with every run, I'm more and more amazed at the mental thoughts that are a burden and a blessing. At one point, I had the wind at my back and through my mind flits the Irish prayer:

Wind At Your Back
May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

I wish the wind had stayed at my back. I would have much preferred it at my back as opposed to the wind that was whipping crosswind and pushing me sideways. Not fun at all.

On my travels I made friends with these beautiful creatures

And these cuties!

The best picture all day was this one

I wanted so much to know I could do this in under 3 hours and I did. It wasn't the prettiest run or the most fluid displays of athleticism, but I did it. That, right now, is as good as it gets.

I will tell you though, I was a ways from home at this point, but far enough that I was done. Spent. No more in the tank done. I called Pam when I hit the 13.1 to see where she was and what she was up to. She was just driving through my neighbourhood and I asked her to come pick me up. Being the good girl she is, she thought I was hurt and came to my rescue. She was not impressed to see I wasn't hurt and that I just wanted a ride the rest of the way home. I can't believe I did that to myself. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I should have just kept going and not wimped out like I did. I'm rather annoyed with myself, but I can't change it now. I was just calling her to tell her my 13.1 time, but got away from myself in getting a ride home.

It is funny how your perspective changes because this coming long run is only 70 minutes. Did I just say, ONLY 70 minutes. Compared to 2 hours and 38 minutes, 70 minutes should be a walk in the park. Okay, maybe not easy, but easier.

I just ran the equivalent of a half marathon on a training run. Crazy!

Tough One And Mentally All Over

Today is a day that comes every year, as they all do. I guess that's a good thing because it means I'm still alive to enjoy them. Today, not so much joy.

It is today that marks the 21st anniversary of my mother's passing. I like to think I get better with dealing and usually I do, but some days I struggle with the memories, the shortness of time we had together. I have now lived more than half my life without my mother. It is a harsh realization that I have now out lived my mother by almost 3 years. I'm not complaining that I lived longer than 38, but it is amazing to think back and see that I have already missed out on so much life, love and joy if my life were to have taken the same path as my mother's.

I live each day knowing that I am who I am, good bad and otherwise by her example and by her young death. I live my life with the knowledge that life is short and that you can never predict when your time here on earth will end.

My mother's fate was sealed long before her death. Her health and illness a factor at a very young age. My mother and father, when they started dating and then took their relationship to a serious level, my father had to attend doctor's appointments and meetings to advise him of my mother's medical future. My father was informed that at one point my mother would be in a wheelchair. True to their word she was. It only got worse from there. Quadriplegic and blind compounded by many other illnesses, and her fate was sealed. It breaks my heart to think of her suffering and pain. It is with a clear conscience that I can say, when she died I felt an incredible amount of relief. No person should ever have to be trapped in that sort of hell, no matter the reason. It is not without heartache and sadness that I still miss my mother, but to love another person, as I did her, I was at peace to say my final goodbyes.

I live my life in a way that I hope would have made her proud. I say that every year I speak of her on the anniversary of her death. My relationship with my mother while she was alive was not the best and I never lose sight of the fact that our relationship was tumultuous at times. She was stubborn and pigheaded and I was a 15 year old teenager at the time of her admittance to hospital. Imagine what fun that was in combination. Not so much fun at all.

A life cut short is a sad thing, but I can say with certainty, my mother lived her life with all she had. In her memory I try to do the same.

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Who Knew WI Edition

Late breaking news -

Don't run
Don't really track your food
Drink your waters - for the most part, but not all of them.

Lose 1.2lbs in a week.

In all seriousness don't use this approach to weight loss. It is not good for your body, nor is it all that great for the mind. This damn body of mine is just about to drive me insane. Don't do what I should do and lose weight. Do what I should do and maintain. Is it any wonder people suffer from eating/working out disorders. Seriously!!!!

The good thing - lowest weight in about 1 year. That has me very stoked!

I've been really bad about hitting the treadmill this week. I'm still playing catch up with my life/sleep/house and overall state of mind. The clock change and then going from days to 3 midnights (2 doubles) and then back to evenings and 2 more midnights, back to days. My time I am able to commit to myself and the street or treadmill are severely compromised.

I just got off the treadmill from an intense 20 minute calorie burn. It wasn't a long run, but it was enough to remind my legs and lungs what is expected of them. I love the feel of sweat on my elbows at 4 minutes in. In a word - sweet!!!!!!!!

I'm off to the showers and then to get ready for work!

1.2lbs!!!! Yaaaaaaaa

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Why I Relay

Click here and give generously
I Relay because I hate Cancer.

I Relay because I don't know what else to do.

I Relay because I love you.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Sweet Giveaway

You just never know where you're going to end up when clickity click clickin' on blogs. It is such fun and then in the process you discover amazingly generous people giving away amazing bling and clothing! How sweet.

Go check out this little lovely! Too cute!!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Run Recap

I've been somewhat forced to tweak my run schedule depending on what my ridiculous part time work schedule presents from week to week. I'm usually a real stickler for schedules and doing what is expected. If the training says, 30 minutes, 30 minutes is what I do. I'm really bad for stuff like that - until now.

My approach has to be open to change and prepared to accommodate craziness. I think it is something that has been really good for me. Break out of my comfort zone and all that versatility talk. You know what I mean, right?

Saturday's runs usually end up being done on Sunday and then it throws out the rest of my week. This past week I wasn't able to get a whole planned run on Tuesday and then Thursday I was still feeling some tenderness in my right leg.

Fast forward to today and I got a bit creative with my times. I added some of my missed time on to the run for today. I was to run 2 hours 4 minutes and ended up with 2 hours 12 minutes. I would have liked to do the full time missed, but I was experiencing some right exterior foot pain. Finishing my run, and still now a bit, I struggle to put my full weight on my foot. I'm breaking myself, oh my! I joke, yes, but in the back of my mind I am a bit concerned. Not trying to develop paranoid tendencies, I will continue to listen to my body as long as what I'm hearing is genuine and not me just being a wimp. Thin line!

So today saw me run LSD 2h 12m 10.06 miles/16.1K. I feel amazing to know that I did that. I would be happier if I were on the street, but it is what it is and I'll take it! Holy hell I ran 16.1K and minus a sore right foot, I survived it. I just might be able to do this 1/2 marathon thing after all. There are moments of question.

Wicked Work Weekend Mash Up

Time has been in short supply lately. For those loyal readers, I apologize for being away and delaying the suspense of my life's events. Like I like a really exciting life - not so much.

I weighed in on Friday and things STS. Again, I'm good with that. My lovely monthly visitor decided to present herself. AUGH!!!! I'm just barely out of the 140's, so I'm happy with a STS because that means I'm still in the 130's. High 130's, but here is better than not.

I've been working a lot at the part time job this weekend. From Friday to Monday when I get off work at the full time job, I will have worked 37.5 hours. I'm not feeling as tired as I would expect, but this coming weekend I have to do it again. I am really looking forward to Easter weekend. As of right now, but could change, I'm off from Thursday quitting time until Tuesday. That is sweet!!!!!!

So, on that note I'm outta here to figure out supper and relax before heading back to bed to prepare for tonight's midnight shift.

I will be back a bit later with an update on my run from earlier today.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Feet Bling

Look what followed me home last night!
Aren't they purdy???

Pam and I went shoe shopping last night - finally! I tried these on at The Running Room a while back, but didn't buy them because the Running Room worker was dismissive, non-attentive and overall presented us (Pam and I again) terrible customer service. I've been in shoe covet mode ever since and knew it was just a matter of time when these babies would be mine. Buy One, Get 50% and these came in at $110.00. Running Room's loss was SportMart's gain. Good customer service and better price. What more could you ask for when buying shoes for your very first half marathon.

My run schedule has been off kilter this week - read non-existent. The plan is to hit the treadmill for an hour tonight after work. I'm really looking forward to putting these pretty little gems to the test.

Next on the purchase agenda:
  • wickwear socks
  • a running skirt
  • a red racer back running top

Race day is only 72 days away.... breath! Run, breath, run!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Simplicity of Friendship

Orangutan and the Hound


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Just A Little Longer

Saturday's long run 1 hour 50 minutes - 8.67 miles/13.9K. I so wanted to break in to the 14K range, but it just didn't happen. So close, yet still not close enough. I'm trying to tune out the head chatter that I'm not hitting distances that are going to be good enough to finish this crazy adventure. Stop! Stop! Stop!

I was amazed at how the time just seemed to go while on this run. It probably had a lot to do with the fact that I was no the treadmill rather than the street. I think the treadmill also has a lot to do with the non-existent muscle pains, especially the knee pain.

I did have an extremely funny happening while doing my run. This is my longest run to date, so of course, the longest run on the treadmill. Unbeknownst to me the treadmill only times up to 99 minutes and I needed to get to 110 minutes. My run was timed that I was running when the treadmill hit the end of the 99th minute. Mid-stride and the treadmill time changes and grinds to a halt. I'm jarred and the gait is messed. I'm holding on for dear life, laughing and cursing all at the same time. I'm damn lucky I didn't break myself! I must have looked a sight. I told Cute Boy, when I was done, that he'd have to be careful of that happening to him. He looked at me as though I'd grown a second head and told me in no uncertain terms that it likely wouldn't happen to him. Well, he can't say I didn't warn him.

The knee that was causing problems is not bothering me at all. I think that is because I wasn't on the road. It will be interesting to see how I feel the next street run. Not sure if my next run will be inside or outside, as much as I like the idea of walking pain free, I like the extra demand on my body when on the street. Hmmm, that last statement, if taken out of context could be confused with a woman of the night. Now, that is something to think about.

Home for the Holidays - 50 hours

At 40 hours

And, again at 50 hours

I have been plugging away. Time is in short supply, so I'll be another couple weeks before another update. It's all about the journey, not about how fast you travel said journey. Right?

It's funny how much I've changed in regards to my stitching mentality. I have had little to no desire to pick up any other piece work that I have on the go, and trust when I say I have many to chose from, I really do.

I mentioned in a previous post that I'm going to be selling some of my finished works that I have just hanging in a closet. It is sad, very very sad, not the selling of the pieces, but the beautiful works just hanging in a closet. I took a picture of one yesterday that I'm going to have Cute Boy list on his E-Bay account to sell. I have debt to pay and this may very help get rid of some of that debt. It's a plan and we'll see if is a good one.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Weigh In Craziness

My new Weight Watcher week started off on the right foot. Down 1.8lbs. Now before you wave the banners and compliment me on what a good job I did, read the whole entry first. I only really lost the weight I gained last week. I am gaining and losing the same 1-2lbs now. I am currently sitting just inside the 130's and I really do not want to see the 140's again. I'm so tired of this yin yang of my weight.

I hadn't tracked a single thing since Saturday morning. I was so off the points path that I just didn't even attempt to figure out a number to fit the gluttony. It was bad. Really really bad. How I ended up with a loss I'll never know. I'll take it, gladly, but it's not a loss I deserve. Now, that being said there have been gains I didn't deserve either, so I guess we're even on that one.

I have only run 2 times since last Saturday. The time and distance didn't amount to much because of the tenderness in my leg/knee. It is improving, I'm happy to report. I am planning a long run tomorrow, but not sure how successful I'll be. Mind over matter with a dash of common sense for good measure. Oh my goodness, how grown up I've become. Isn't that something!

I am so looking forward to getting off work tonight and starting my weekend. I don't work at the part time job this weekend. I'm off ALL weekend and so is Cute Boy! That doesn't happen very often. It will be a low key weekend with a road trip to Belleville tomorrow, leaving the house early. I will hit the street when I get home, sometime early afternoon. It will be a good dinner (I hope) and then Habs hockey at 8pm. I love those nights so much. Just Cute Boy and I doing the whole living together life thing. It's fun. It's days like this I realize how sweet my life is. I have to remember that feeling when I'm dragging butt between 2 jobs and operating on 4 hours sleep or less, which will be next weekend and the one after that too.

Awwwww, sweet sweet life!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Lookin' Out For Ya, Mom

This would be how, more often than not, I find my dog. Daisy is keeping an ever watchful eye on the homestead. She's a good girl like that. Do you remember the dog on the Bugs Bunny cartoon that would sit on the hill watching over the sheep? I can't remember the dog's name, but this is what Daisy puts me a mind of every time I see her looking out in to the back yard.

What she is really probably looking at is the dog in the yard at the back of ours. Cute Boy and I refer to this other dog as her boyfriend. He will come up to the fence, okay not really a fence, but pallets, not our pallets, and sniff for Daisy and she will some times great him and some times not. She has mastered the skill of playing hard to get. She's a good girl like that too.

I can't wait until the dog days of summer so I can be out on the deck with her. Not too much longer. I keep telling myself that and soon enough it will be true.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Don't Hold Your Breath

That was some advice I was given today. It is good advice.

The winds of change may be blowing in my favour for the first time in a long time in regards to a situation that has been brewing for about 2 years with the ex husband. It is my hope that he will finally be held accountable to his children and their needs even though they are no longer living at home with me.

I don't expect congratulations or pats on the back for the things I do for my children. It is my privilege and honour to be blessed with the 2 wonderful daughters I have. It has been difficult at times to help them with their needs when money has been tight for me. Cute Boy and I do many things for my children and we do it because I love them (I can't speak for him) and want nothing but the best future for them and doing so when worrying about money is not easy. I created a situation where I had to get a part time job just to make ends meet and I'm okay with that for the most part. I would never list the things I've done for my children, not my story to tell, but theirs. I wouldn't change a thing though if it was that help they needed, then so be it.

Things with my financial situation may be changing. It has been a long and painful haul to get to this point. It may not happen, but I am more hopeful today than I've been in a very long time. I've spent more time on the phone with tracking, discovering, figuring and just plain never giving up on what I believe is right. Now, the person running may have run out of room to run and may very well be forced to be accountable for his responsibilities

Remember - breathe!

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

The Easy Run That Was Anything But

I mentioned in an easier entry that my knee and ankle were bothering me from my long run on Sunday. I took Monday off as my rest day and picked up my run schedule today, or so I thought I was going to pick back up where I left off. I was to run an easy 32 minutes today and I couldn't make it outside 13 minutes. I was in such pain that I had to shut it down. My mind kept insisting I could do this, but I know my body better than that and I was not risking injury. I am in pain so I could already be dealing with a minor injury, but I'm not going to push to the point that I undo what I've done so far.

In my past life when I used to work out 6 days a week lifting weights and cardio combined, I was never granted the freedom to take many days off to heal. I can remember the day as if it were yesterday when I first aggravated my sciatic nerve. I was doing incline leg presses and I felt the snap and ache. I had to roll off the machine on to the floor and could barely pull myself upright. The humiliation of standing in the gym crying, and I mean crying, it was just like yesterday. I dried up the tears and finished the workout. It was what was expected of me, so I did it. No more. I am more in tuned to my body and it's cries for help. It took what seemed like forever for my sciatic nerve to stop bothering me. I had a similar situation with my right shoulder, but not the tears in the gym and not near the excruciating pain.

I am trying to listen to my body, but not be a wimp. I am trying to learn from past mistakes, and not let them control my future success. I am trying to stay positive even though my head is screaming scary thoughts at me.

Monday, March 08, 2010

LSD And A Long Winded Discussion About It

My long run was planned for Saturday but I decided to reschedule it to Sunday, due to life being hectic. The weather forecast was good for both days, but living through Saturday being absolutely gorgeous I was struggling with my decision to play with my run days. I've had to do so quite a few times in the last 8 weeks, so I'm wasn't overly concerned. I've hit every run except for 2 when I was sick, but never missing 2 in one week.

Friday, I worked at my primary job 7a-3p and then my second job a midnight 10:30-6:30am. I could have fit the run in on Saturday, but want to have some time today stuff and not have an entire day consumed by sleep and a run, I opted for the fine tuning. I had a great day on Saturday, but there were many times I was internally questioning my decision. Cute Boy, getting used to my ways, when I did voice them, put a stop to that craziness right away. He made it clear to me that I made the decision and I couldn't change it and to stop beating myself up over one long run moved around. Deal with tomorrow when tomorrow gets here, because the decision I've made can't be undone now. See, one more reason I love him like I do.

Sunday rolls around and the weather is phenomenal! Gorgeous! Sunny! Slight breeze. Fabulous. Off I head on my run. I had cut back on one layer of clothing from previous road runs and I still found I was overdressed. I stopped and took off the long sleeve and little mittens, leaving me with a sports bra and my running coat. It was perfect. Perfect I think because I was able to warm up first. I think if I'd started out with that little clothing I'd have been too cold.

The planned time was to be 1h 38 minutes and my pokey second half took me to 1h 40 minutes. Odd, really because I felt very much in the groove on my way back. I ran the entire 6th -7th mile. Oh, that being said I'm so pissed. I messed up my Garmin information. I had it on the 2nd profile and I when I logged it in the computer it didn't transfer properly and I lost all my split times. So sad! I was able to get my total time and distance, but not all the fun little individual lap information. BOOOO!!!

My pace was/is 11:40 - YIKES! I was on the street 1h 40 minutes with a distance of 8.24 miles/13.5K. I'm getting closer to the 1/2 marathon distance every week.

The combination of feelings while on a run is out of this world crazy.

  • invigorated
  • driven
  • crazy
  • doubtful
  • scared
  • intimidated
  • pained
  • mentally strong
  • mentally weak
  • proud
  • nervous

That is just a few of the feelings that run through my mind on one single run. I know, having read a few books on running and Runner's World magazine, that half the battle is mental. I read on Tigerlily's blog, that a trainer said to her, just before her 1/2 Marathon, the mind will give up before the body will. I paraphrase somewhat, but you get the idea.

I'm a bit concerned because last night I was experiencing some discomfort in my right ankle and knee. Today, after sleeping from yet another part time job midnight, I don't feel the pain like I did. I'm glad for that, but will definitely keep an eye on it.

If you're still here, I applaud you for following along with my wild thoughts. Can you imagine what its like in my head?

Have a great one!

Friday, March 05, 2010

Friday Flop

So, I weighed in this morning and the scale did not play nice. Okay, maybe I didn't play nice with the food intake this week. I want to blame the scale, but that would be a cop out and I know it. The only problem is that my scale gave me 3 different weights with a 3lb span in difference.

I'm not happy with the weight gain, obviously although there are good things to come out of this week. I measured my body and I'm losing inches. That is always good even though I'm still feeling thick. I'm not the best when it comes to measuring myself, but I'm pretty consistent with tape measure placement. That must count for something, right.

I have another long run planned for tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it for one reason and one reason only - it is supposed to be 10 degrees out tomorrow. That will feel like running in the tropics compared to my last two outdoor runs. I'm working 7a-3p and then 10:30-6:30a at my second job. Midnight hangover may get best of me on my long run, but I'll do what I can to be at my best mentally and physically. Short and long, okay not so much short at all, I'm going to be on the street for 98 minutes..... holy hell. How did these crazy times and distances get here so fast?

As I said, I'm not all that happy with my weigh in failure of this morning, so I'm recommitting to being more aware of the bits, licks, nibbles and straight up bites of foods. The water is being gulped and veggies consumed. I'm back and I'm on my way to losing that pesky gain from this week!

Have a great one!

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

February Fun

Running 79.67KM
I ran a total more this month than last month which would translate to more time too. I started my 8th week and for some reason it's starting to freak me out a wee bit. Trust the training! Trust the process.

Books - 2 books
I didn't read as much this month as I did in January. I blame the Olympics. Go CANADA Go!!!!

  1. The Christmas Cookie Club - Anne Pearlman
  2. Dear John - Nicholas Sparks

Weight Loss - Loss .2lbs
I did just write .2lbs! That is so very sad. All that running and I've lost .2lbs. Just kidding. I'm not really running to lose weight. I'm trying to lose weight by doing WW and I'm failing miserably in that regard. It will eventually all work itself out in the end.

Stitching - 18 hours 40 minutes
My stitching is fun again. I don't feel the insane pressure to hit particular number goals like I did in my previous stitching endeavours. I stitch now for the pure joy of putting needle to thread. That is fun.

I do have a few pieces that I finished over the years that I've done nothing with. They are currently hanging on a hanger in my spare room closet. I am contemplating putting them up for sale on E-Bay and using the money towards paying down my debt.

Personal Life
Things in my life are just floating by. After my heartache of Valentine's day life has returned to the normal I know. Work work work. I don't work as much as some but more than others. I'm trying to keep my perspective in regards to figuring out how to work, figure out my finances and still find time for Cute Boy and I to spend time together. Not sure that is as important to him as it is to me, but I keep plugging away.

I miss my girls a lot. I don't see them, but talk to them pretty much daily via texting. It is more challenging spending time with them, Queenie an hour and half away and Princess just down the road, but seemingly in another city for all the time we get to spend together.

So, that concludes the summary of my month of February.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Soggy Run Edition

It has taken me since Saturday to get this run entered.

It was long run Saturday AGAIN! There was snow AGAIN. There was rain AND snow. Weather wise it was not pretty. If the weather wasn't pretty, the run itself was downright ugly! Ugly. Ugly. Ugly.

No excuses. I was coming off a midnight with little sleep the couple days prior to my long run. I was running with tree trunk legs. The negative mental chatter was nasty. I couldn't find a groove to save my life. I was running 1 minute walking 1 minute. I would build to 2 minutes run and then walk again. It was just all around painful.

My legs were red for at least an hour after my run. The good thing is that I can walk normal today which was not the case last week. So, are things looking up? I hope.

Lessons learned are that things are not always the way they should be on run day and you can still finish what you set out to do. 11.58K (7.24 miles) in 1 hr 27 minutes. I'll take it. It is my longest distance to date and I survived. That, right now, in my books is a victory.