Tough One And Mentally All Over

Today is a day that comes every year, as they all do. I guess that's a good thing because it means I'm still alive to enjoy them. Today, not so much joy.

It is today that marks the 21st anniversary of my mother's passing. I like to think I get better with dealing and usually I do, but some days I struggle with the memories, the shortness of time we had together. I have now lived more than half my life without my mother. It is a harsh realization that I have now out lived my mother by almost 3 years. I'm not complaining that I lived longer than 38, but it is amazing to think back and see that I have already missed out on so much life, love and joy if my life were to have taken the same path as my mother's.

I live each day knowing that I am who I am, good bad and otherwise by her example and by her young death. I live my life with the knowledge that life is short and that you can never predict when your time here on earth will end.

My mother's fate was sealed long before her death. Her health and illness a factor at a very young age. My mother and father, when they started dating and then took their relationship to a serious level, my father had to attend doctor's appointments and meetings to advise him of my mother's medical future. My father was informed that at one point my mother would be in a wheelchair. True to their word she was. It only got worse from there. Quadriplegic and blind compounded by many other illnesses, and her fate was sealed. It breaks my heart to think of her suffering and pain. It is with a clear conscience that I can say, when she died I felt an incredible amount of relief. No person should ever have to be trapped in that sort of hell, no matter the reason. It is not without heartache and sadness that I still miss my mother, but to love another person, as I did her, I was at peace to say my final goodbyes.

I live my life in a way that I hope would have made her proud. I say that every year I speak of her on the anniversary of her death. My relationship with my mother while she was alive was not the best and I never lose sight of the fact that our relationship was tumultuous at times. She was stubborn and pigheaded and I was a 15 year old teenager at the time of her admittance to hospital. Imagine what fun that was in combination. Not so much fun at all.

A life cut short is a sad thing, but I can say with certainty, my mother lived her life with all she had. In her memory I try to do the same.

Wind Beneath My Wings

Today marks what would have been my mother's 59th birthday. This song was very popular during a part of my mother's illness and it really strikes a chord with me. The first time I heard it, I was struck by how closely it hit home to how I felt about my mother and her impact on me up to this point in my life.

I miss my mother every day and I've said it more times than not, I hope I'm doing her proud by the life I live and the mother I am. One can never really know, but I can hope.

Happy Birthday, Mom. You will always be the Wind Beneath My Wings. Love you!

"Wind Beneath My Wings"

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings

Dreaded Day

This is the day I dread, year after year. This would be the day that marks the anniversary of my mother's death.

It has been 20 years now and never does it get easier. There is not a day goes by that I don't think of her in one way or another. I am now the mother of an 18 year old and a 15, almost 16 year old. Princess is right at the age I was when my mother first when in to the hospital. I couldn't imagine if I were taken from her day to day life right now,only to be gone forever 4 years from now. We never know how much time we have left, I know, although the thoughts of my life paralleling my mother's is never far from mind.

I was laying in bed last night, unable to sleep. There is much going on in my world right now that I'm struggling with and this anniversary of sorts in not helping any. My mother being here right now would be greatly welcome. Funny how you change and grow. My mother always used to talk to me about being my friend and at 15 years old that was the last thing in the world I wanted. Right now, what I wouldn't give for that opportunity.

My mother didn't live beyond her 39th birthday (died at 38). It has always been a personal concern that I suffer the same fate. I'm going to be 40 this year and I see that as a wonderful milestone. There are many factors in my mother's early death that play a role in how I live my own life. The main one is trying to live a healthy life in the physical sense. My drive to be fit and a certain weight aren't just because I'm vain. I know carrying extra weight is an opportunity for various medical conditions to present themselves. I've got enough issues with my mother's medical history alone I don't need to exacerbate the situation by living in an unhealthy manner.

I try to be the person that would most make her proud. Stand up for my children and my own convictions. Be strong in the face of adversity. Don't be afraid to speak my mind and defend the defenseless. Fight for the underdog. Work hard. Love the sunshine on a beautiful day. I never know, I just hope.

As always thinking of you.

23 Years Ago Today

This marks the anniversary of my mother's admittance to hospital, to never really ever get out again. I was 15 years old at this point in time and to not know that I would never live with my mother again, is more than I think I could bare. I was mature for my age, even then, but I think to know then what I know now, I'm glad I was oblivious to all that was to come. Sometimes leaving your life in the hands of others and the unknown isn't always a bad thing.

I say she never really got out again, but she did but for such a short time it wouldn't even be classed as a single day. My mother was discharged from hospital late morning/early afternoon and was re-admitted late that evening. My mother had difficulty in walking after being hospital and bed bound for over 2 months. The doctor's believed her atrophy was attributed to lack of movement in her lower extremities. It wasn't until later that night when her bowels and bladder gave out that she returned to hospital to never again leave for more than a day visit to spend time with her (our) family.

It took years to finally diagnose my mother's condition, which is now known to be Lupus. It wasn't until we lived with the diagnosis of MS, and many others before it was discovered to be Lupus, that is sometimes commonly referred to as The Disease of a Thousand Faces. No kidding. As a young woman, my mother was diagnosed with Raynaud's disease and Sclermoderma and then eventually Rhuematoid Arthritis, to name a few. In the subsequent months, she went blind (on my 16th birthday - the poor thing, broke her heart), and lost all ability to move any of her extremities. I can't count the number of times she coded. I know she was losing her fight to keep up the fight, but I think because of me, wouldn't sign a DNR. There were many setbacks along the way and she would bounce back. Her ability to recover was one thing, but never would she rebound to a point beyond her last recovery, so all we were left to do was watch the decline of her life. It was a long road and a very difficult and emotionally draining road for my mother. My heart hurts at the thoughts of what she endured.

How is it that I can be relieved to know my mother has passed and I'll never have the opportunity to talk with her in a physical sense ever again? Yesterday would have been my mother's 58th Birthday and today marks the 23rd anniversary of her passing. Strange how things like that work out.

I was going to link to the ailments, but I found there were way too many to do - sorry.

Debby Ann Closs June 9, 1950 - March 30, 1989

Today is the 18th anniversary of my Mother's passing.

There are times when I miss her so much and for reasons I don't always understand in regards to a relationship that never existed in the way I miss her. There was never a time in my life I could pick up the phone and talk things over with her. I was too young to be at that point in my life. I find when life gets out of control I have this urge to be able to p/u the phone and talk with her. Strange eh?

Some anniversary dates are just not happy one's to celebrate. As much as I miss my mother dearly, her life, in the end was a struggle medically and emotionally because of her medical conditions. The struggles she faced is what enables me now, and at the time of her death, to be thankful of her passing. I was relieved at the time of her death, much to annoyance and frustration of many that loved us both. Her time of pain and suffering was over. It was time for those left to deal with the loss, and let her go with a freedom we all deserve in the end.

I wonder what she would think of my life today. Would she understand the choices I made? Would I have made different choices? Would I be a different person than I am this very minute? What would she tell me to do (whether I'd listen would be another story) about my children? What would she think of the fact that I'm going to be a divorced woman? Would she be proud of me in some of things I've done in life? I can never know because life didn't work out that way for us, but I would like to think she would be proud of me.

Love you, Mom