Monday, March 30, 2009

Dreaded Day

This is the day I dread, year after year. This would be the day that marks the anniversary of my mother's death.

It has been 20 years now and never does it get easier. There is not a day goes by that I don't think of her in one way or another. I am now the mother of an 18 year old and a 15, almost 16 year old. Princess is right at the age I was when my mother first when in to the hospital. I couldn't imagine if I were taken from her day to day life right now,only to be gone forever 4 years from now. We never know how much time we have left, I know, although the thoughts of my life paralleling my mother's is never far from mind.

I was laying in bed last night, unable to sleep. There is much going on in my world right now that I'm struggling with and this anniversary of sorts in not helping any. My mother being here right now would be greatly welcome. Funny how you change and grow. My mother always used to talk to me about being my friend and at 15 years old that was the last thing in the world I wanted. Right now, what I wouldn't give for that opportunity.

My mother didn't live beyond her 39th birthday (died at 38). It has always been a personal concern that I suffer the same fate. I'm going to be 40 this year and I see that as a wonderful milestone. There are many factors in my mother's early death that play a role in how I live my own life. The main one is trying to live a healthy life in the physical sense. My drive to be fit and a certain weight aren't just because I'm vain. I know carrying extra weight is an opportunity for various medical conditions to present themselves. I've got enough issues with my mother's medical history alone I don't need to exacerbate the situation by living in an unhealthy manner.

I try to be the person that would most make her proud. Stand up for my children and my own convictions. Be strong in the face of adversity. Don't be afraid to speak my mind and defend the defenseless. Fight for the underdog. Work hard. Love the sunshine on a beautiful day. I never know, I just hope.

As always thinking of you.

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