Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I'm A Fraud

I've been doing some thinking these last couple days. Primarily since I've had my big weight loss. What else is new. I'm always thinking about something. It's a bad habit of mine. I need to learn to relax a little.

I've been WANTING to go for a run since the weather has been improving. I've had my running gear in a pile waiting for me to don the outfit and hit the street. I've yet to do it. I know just get it done already. I've now moved the pile of clothing to a part of the my room I don't have to see it glaring at me and be attacked by the guilts every time I see it out of the corner of my eye. Shameful, I'm tellin' ya!

My eating has been atrocious this week. I've been counting, but my numbers are high. I'm following WW, but am I really? I'm eating within my points, but am I eating what I should be eating? I'd have to say - UMMMM NO! I'm eating things that are not high on the staying power of keeping me full and satisfied. Fruits yes, which are better than not, but the diet is not high on vegetables.

So, the question begs to be asked. When am I going to take myself seriously here and do something good for me? I need to make me a priority, but I need to find balance when I do. I'm an all or nothing kinda girl and I can't do that this time around. I've been beating myself up mentally about why I've not been making time for the gym and I think that might be it. If I don't do it all all the time, then why bother so I just don't do anything. I just don't know what I'm thinking right now or how to fix things. Could it be that I think more than I actually do and then in turn just do nothing? How about going to the gym just once and see what happens then.

I have myself a bit of challenge in regards to being surrounded by high carb foods. I have a boyfriend that does not view food the way I do, as an adventure. Try new things, try to keep it clean and healthy. He is a very picky eater, very very picky. It is a major challenge eating dinner together. I'm more flexible and eat more variety, so I'm always adapting to his eating rather than not. I have a daughter that is a vegetarian and a very poor eating vegetarian. She is just as picky as the boyfriend, but no meat, obviously. I could literally be cooking 3 different meals at dinner time - boyfriend's meal, with his likes and dislikes considered, daughter's meal and then something that is healthy for me. It is just too much and I'm food exhausted. So, what usually happens I just give in and eat the crap that he eats with something a little healthier for a side dish. It's just not enough healthy eating and then lack of gym is making for a crazy me.

Now, is time for less thinking and starting Friday hitting the gym 1 day per week. I will still be walking the dog daily, so that will get me an activity point each walk. I think I can manage that much!

I don't want to be a fraud anymore. I want to run. I want to work out. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy with the steps I'm taking to be healthier. I want to be okay with where I'm heading.

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