Friday, December 31, 2010

Good-bye 2010

This has been quite the year. It hasn't been the best year nor has it been the worst. This has been a year filled with change and a lot of personal growth.

I've learned that I am so very blessed and loved by the most amazing man. Our relationship hasn't always been the easiest and that is okay. For everything Cute Boy and I have faced together, it has brought us to this most incredible place with an understanding of who we are as individuals and has shown us how our experiences make us who we are today.

My youngest daughter is now pregnant and that discovery knocked me for a nasty mental loop. The road back to a stronger mental spot has been wrought with many ups and downs. I still struggle with her actions and decisions, and figure I will for some time still. There is nothing to be done now. The little peanut is on the way and a small part of me, okay a bigger part than small, is getting excited. If it's any indication, the shopping for him has already started.

My oldest daughter still amazes and impresses me. Her and I have had our fair share of trials this past year, but seem to be in a better place now. I'm glad for that. She is doing extremely well in her first year of college. She has made some major decisions with regards to her schooling. Major move. Queenie has applied to another college (4 hours away) to a new program after she realized this one she is in isn't for her. When did she become so mature? Some of the courses she is currently taking may be transferable so she is going to continue on with this program so to enable an easier transition from one program to another.

Velda is still alive! That has been the biggest blessing of this year. I still worry every day and deal with the busy of my day to day life that keeps from seeing her as much as I would like. Never far from my mind is she, and even closer to my heart. She is another area of my life that I know I am amazingly blessed. I am never made to feel guilty when I don't visit as I should, nor does it ever feel like I've left when I get back there. From what I can see, her health is still good and she looks incredible. She does a heart good!

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Oh ya, I do. It brings 2011 Resolution Run with the ugliest running jacket EVER!!!!! I look like a freaking pylon! I'll be back with an update tomorrow or the next day.

Happy New Year to you and yours!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Contented Sigh

I made mention in my previous post about my life being at a place where I am content. I'm so much more than content. Aside from my worries about my daughter's pregnancy, I'm so incredibly happy.

My life hasn't always been what it is today. I was in a marriage that I thought was going to last forever. Who doesn't think that when they get married? After many years, some good, some great, and some just downright awful, the marriage ended. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I felt, as I'm sure many do, when something such as marriage ends, you'll never feel normal or happy again. It's a way of coping and healing.

What I thought was a good marriage turned out to be a mess. I look back now and see the dysfunction for what it was. It wasn't all bad, but there was so much of me I couldn't be. I was constantly striving to be what he wanted. What he wanted wasn't me and that much and so much more is evident by the cheating and the disrespect shown over the final years of our life together. That was tough. I'll never say otherwise, but I am certain of one thing. I would do it all over again if it put me where I am today.

Today, I share my life with the most wonderful man. I am more blessed than I sometimes think I deserve. The life that Cute Boy and I live is pretty charmed. I don't mean charmed in the lots of money, fine dining, exotic trips and all that glitz and glamour, but charmed in a way that each and every day I see my life as a blessing. My life with him, a blessing.

The life I live with him is one that shows me laughter, friendship and the most incredible support and understanding I could ever find. As with any relationship, he and I have had our ups and downs. From those early days when you're a huge grin knowing you're going to be spending time together while still in that honeymoon phase, to the points of moving in together and all the adjustments that entails. Wondering at that point, between the settling in to this new living arrangement and the fighting if we've made the right choice. Are we right for each other? Should we have moved in together? Have we made a mistake?

It has been a crazy year and not one I would want to relive, although I can see a different side to my relationship. You can add that to the rest of the lessons learned over the past couple months. I am so content and at peace with where I am and how I got here. I've said to Cute Boy in the past, 'I would take every tear and heartache all over again, if it were to put me here with you'. I meant it when I said it the first time and I think it holds true more and more as we face each hurdle together.

From a few short months ago, spiralling in to a depression, fearful of the future and struggling to get out to bed, to now being excited to see what life brings me each and every day, is quite a feeling. To share that excitement each day with Cute Boy is priceless.

***This post started out in my head completely different than how it hit the blog. I'm not certain I did justice to what I was really trying to say.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Figuring It Out As I Go

I am smart and a wonderful woman. Those were the words uttered by my doctor this morning.

I had an appointment today to discuss my emotional and mental struggles with all the things surrounding my daughter and her pregnancy. It was a very good appointment. I've learned a lot about myself, my strengths, weaknesses and coping skills. This situation is not something I would ever wish on another parent, but from all things come a learning lesson. Mine would be that I may crack and a may crumble, but I will not break. I am much more equipped to deal with things than I thought I was. I'm stronger than I've ever really given myself credit.

It is not without the help of others though that I can say that I am who I am. The list is long, the instances many when I was given support and strength from others. Not all that have helped me read my blog and for that, I am sad. I have done my best to thank them and to let them know how much their generosity, love and friendship have meant to me while I struggled.

A very important thing I learned is that this baby is coming. It's not as though I didn't know it, but I've worked towards accepting that fact that this little guy is coming. Regardless of his parent's life choices and how his little life began, he is coming. He is going to be loved, cherished and adored. These are things I know. No matter my feelings about this pregnancy leading up to his birth, I know myself well enough to know I'm going to fall in love with him as soon as I lay eyes on him. My fear for his future is now being replaced with thoughts of his little fingers, his tiny toes, his little face and those first wondrous moments and all the joy a little baby brings.

This journey isn't just mine. It will be my daughter's and that of my little grandson, but this right now is about me and how I'm coping. I've come a long way. I'm not to the point that I'm excited. I'm still scared. Scared to death really, but I'm starting to work my way around to being more happy than apprehensive. Is it wrong to feel happy about something that I was so torn up about only 4 months ago, if even that long? The battle in my head is a struggle.

A baby is on his way in the next couple months. That is huge! Holy cow!

My life is really coming around to a place that I am so content with and I will post more on that in the next couple days.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Quick Update

Life is no less crazy 2 weeks later. Thank you for the kind works and support. They are greatly appreciated.

The crazy really isn't much to do with Princess (pregnant daughter), not in a day to day sense, but figuring it all out in my head. I don't see her much. She doesn't see anyone else much either. She is all about the father of the baby and working. I know she is extremely stressed out. Who wouldn't be? 17 years old. Pregnant. No longer in school and supporting yourself, your boyfriend and your boyfriend's child (4 years old) from a previous relationship. I'm 41 years old and that situation would stress me out!

Outside of the pregnancy situation, life is good. Cute Boy and I are in an awesome place. I couldn't be happier with respect to my personal life.

I have been hitting the gym again - finally! My weight isn't going down. It is holding steady and I'm okay with that for now. I've finally realized this isn't a race. It is about living, learning and doing what I can from day to day. If the gym isn't my #1 priority that's okay.

I hope is well with those that are ready. I'm doing my level best to get back to blogging, reading others and commenting.

Take care!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Plug Your Ears

I am so angry and frustrated I just want to scream bloody murder!

I am fast sliding in a mental state to taking myself back a few months.

Things just seem to never end. People want and take, want and take! It gets old. I'm about ready to flip a lid and I'm telling you, those in the line of fire had better duck!

I just want to bury my head under the covers and not come out until it's time for Cute Boy and I to go away.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Life's a Bumpy Ride (read cautiously)

I've been away for quite some time, and to be completely honest I'm not sure how much more I will be back. I think about blogging A LOT, but I just don't know what to say. How to say and how much to say.

I've had a lot going on in the last year and in August, I hit my breaking point. I find, there are times that I just get so mired in thoughts of 'whoa is me', that I just step back so as not to be a constant downer to those around me. That is where the 'Tammy Turtle' comes from. I go within and I shut down. It's not a healthy thing, really, but it's what I do.

I had been off work from mid-August until just this past week. I've been under the care of my family doctor and now a counsellor. It has been one the most difficult things that has crossed my path. I would take the heartache and questions of my separation/divorce, 10 times over rather than feel like I've felt in the last couple months.

My 16 year old daughter (now 17) will birth my first grandchild at the beginning of February. It has taken me a while to build up the courage to put that out there. Those that have me on their facebook, please do not mention this there. Out of respect for my daughter and my in-laws, I do not mention my struggles in that forum. As much as my blog is a public Internet (all can read it), this is 'my' place. I just feels different.

I have cried more tears about this situation with my daughter than I would have ever thought possible. This pregnancy and my issues with it, are not just about her age, but the age and history of the father, who is still around. I find that he is still around somewhat surprising.

I'm not putting this next bit of information out there to spark debate or to bring a backlash of my situation. Please keep in mind when you read this, that my world and my daughter's world will forever change from the moment of her realization of pregnancy. I talked (or screamed), depending on how you look at it, about my daughter aborting this pregnancy or putting it up for adoption. I didn't think I believed in abortion and I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

The baby is being birthed by my daughter and I am now working through the process of feeling as though abortion or adoption as an option for my first grandchild, which is a boy, by the way, was something that went through my mind. The situation, being what it is, I feel robbed of that excitement and joy of being happy for the day when I am going to be a grandmother. I don't want to get in to why, other than age, as to why these options where what I thought was best for this unborn child and my daughter. It's not my story to tell and I can't trust myself and my feelings to think I will tell the story without putting my own personal views and feelings to it.

So, in light of that world-rocking-news, my world crashed around me. I was off work for almost 3 months. I'm on anti-depressants. My relationship with both of my daughter's has changed and now viewed in a more contentious and cautious light. I am guarded and scared about my daughter's future, not to mention that of my unborn grandchild. Right now, I take life one day at a time and try to find the good from day to day and work through getting inside my head with the fear of the unknown.

On that note, I think I've unburdened enough. Thanks to those that are still reading and commenting.

Friday, September 24, 2010

I've been working at getting to the gym on a regular basis. I am happy with how much I've been able to get there considering all things that have been going on lately. I think the gym has somewhat been my mental saving grace.

Thus far, I haven't really had much of a plan of attack. I've just been doing whatever I feel like doing. I decided today to change things up a bit. I decided to focus on specific body muscles. So, today was back and legs. The legs work out could have and should have been better.

Seated Rows
45lbs - 10 reps
45lbs - 10 reps
50lbs - 8 reps

Lat Pulldown
40lbs - 8 reps
45lbs - 10 reps
50lbs - 10 reps

Close Grip Seated Row
27.5K - 10 reps
27.5K - 10 reps
27.5K - 8 reps

Leg Press
70lbs - 10 reps
70lbs - 10 reps
75lbs - 12 reps

Hip Adduction
80lbs - 12 reps
85lbs - 10 reps
90lbs - 12 reps

Single Leg Glutes
60lbs - 10 reps
60lbs - 10 reps
60lbs - 10 reps

I think tomorrow I will work triceps and shoulders. I love working shoulders.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Still Off

I went to the doctor yesterday and I'm off for another month. I wasn't expecting this. I know I'm dealing with some things, but I figured he would give me a prescription and my return to work letter. No way! I asked if I was getting my letter and he looked at me like I was nuts. Okay, I feel like I'm losing it, so maybe that was me more than anything else. His belief is that I'm suffering anxiety and panic attacks, as well as being borderline depressed. Is it any wonder?!

I have a counseling service available to me through my employer, but they have been terrible this time around. I've called them 4 times and haven't had a call back. I'm not impressed. So, in telling my doctor this, he has offered to have me see a counselor from the doctor's office. It will enable better communication between him and her. That is a good thing.

I'm not 100% about the prescription right now. I took it last night and today I feel odd. I didn't sleep well last night and right now my ears are ringing something awful. I'm really not enjoying being me lately.

Okay, enough of the heavy stuff! I want to talk about some good stuff!

Today is my WI day... my new day! I lost 1.7lbs this week. I would be making great progress if not for that one week I gained 3lbs. I'm really happy though. It's been a while since I've been this low and since I've had 2 back to back weeks of loss. Yaaaaaa!!! Take joy in the small things.

The one good thing about being off work is that I can get to the gym easier. I do believe once I do get back to work I will be have some sort of routine and it should work out okay too.

I have a half marathon to run in less than 2 weeks and I am nowhere near prepared. Right now, the only hope is that I don't hurt myself. I don't know why I let the adrenaline push me to join this half. I wanted the bling, I think, more than anything else. Awful. I'm just awful!

Anyway, I'm outta here to do nothing and then do more of nothing.

Love and hugs until next time!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Colour Me Green

Green isn't really my colour, but lately I seem to be wearing a lot of it.

I have so much going on in my life lately, and stuff that isn't pretty. No matter how many times I revisit the issues I can not make them any less of an ugly frightening situation than what floats in my damn head. It's not that I've manufactured the issues, I just can't escape them. The two that have created them seem to be doing fine with things, but the mother (me), not so much. I think the reason would be that I'm the adult and see the situations for what they are - life changing!

On top of all the issues I'm having with my girls, I'm struggling with jealousy in other people. I know many of you that know I want a breast augmentation think I'm crazy, but I really do want one. It's been years and I've never wavered. Not for one second have I had a doubt that this was something that I wanted. The only thing holding me back was, and always is, money. That is the heart breaker of the situation. I'm a viable candidate and I just don't have the money. When I first requested the referral to the plastic surgeon, I had the money and could have and would have had the surgery done, if not for the fact that my doctor had my incorrect mailing address 3 addresses back from the one I was living in at the time, or I could have had my surgery done and paid for a long time ago. If only the referring plastic surgeon's office had called my house to confirm it years ago, rather than wait until 3 years later to follow up. So sad.

I just read on another's blog that she is getting a breast job, tummy tuck and liposuction to compliment all the weight she has lost. Great on her for losing the weight and essentially getting rid of all the excess skin and improving her breast line as well. As I read her blog entry I cried. I cried a lot. How pathetic.

A friend I work with is getting a breast augmentation in December as well as a tummy tuck. I'm happy for her. I really am. She is a sweetheart of a woman and this will make her extremely happy. Her fiancee bought her this for her 40th birthday. How freaking sweet is that! She has her appointment December 1st I think it is. As happy as I am for her I am so sad for myself. Again, how pathetic.

People will say to me from time to time, just buy a good bra. A bra will give you the lift, the cleavage and bust line you want. That is all fine and dandy, so my chest will look good in clothing. What the hell happens when I take the bra off? Oh ya, the sagging will be down to my rib cage and stretching more it seems everyday. Lay on my back and my freaking sides have grown boobs. Lovely! I hate it.

Why is it that I have so many other more important and life changing events happening in my world and I'm sitting her crying over boobs? Pathetic! Really freaking pathetic!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Inspiration Dress

I bought this little gem when I was in hiding and healing mode at Cute Boy's sister's. I've had it for about a month now and just mustered up the gumption to share it with all of you.

Cute Boy and I have 2 weddings to attend in the month of October. I figured with the colour of this dress it would be perfect.

I feel a bit hippy in it and thicker in the middle than I normally like when wearing a dress that fits as tight as this one. I couldn't pass it up though. Chris (Cute Boy's sister) and I went shopping in Montreal at the Outlets and you know how it is when you find 'the one' piece of clothing that is a just have.

The Le Chateau outlet had some great deals. This dress was marked at $129 regular price and I paid $49.99 for it. I ended up walking away with $260 worth of clothes, and 1 kick ass purse, all for $101.00! Deals like that, for me, don't come along often, so I couldn't pass it up.

I will be pairing the dress with silver shoes. Love them, especially since my angel wing tattoo will be visible, along with a silver clutch purse.

Cute Boy and I don't find many opportunities to dress up and we are both looking forward to the occasion. It promises to be a good time, both weddings.

Off to the gym I go, so as to slim down my middle somewhat to feel a bit more confident in such a pretty little gem.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Wacky WI and Life in General

It's been awhile -again! I have the best of intentions for getting here daily and sharing some little tidbit about my day. I think I just live such a boring life, why bother.

My life right now, since I'm still not back to work, consists of the gym and that is pretty much it!

I weighed in on Wednesday (new WI day) and I've lost 2.5lbs. I'm hoping to build on that number and get it a little bit lower still. My commitment to the gym has been good. I've been more than not and that is what is important to me. I gained myself 15 Activity Points for the past week. Yaaaaa me!

Things on the home front with the girls is status quo. Neither one of them are still really talking to me unless they need something. Princess needs the address for her health card to be mailed. Drama queen is just looking for mail and such. Oh the joys of being a disposable being in the life of those you love.

Cute Boy and I are doing well. Thankfully. If I had to add a tumultuous patch to the rest of the mental garbage I'd seriously flip a lid.

I am working on finding a personal happiness and mental balance amidst all the rumblings in my head. There are moments when I can see that I truly do love my life, or moments of it anyway. That is a great thing, I know because there were times when I was so bogged down with negative thoughts and hurt that I wasn't sure life would find it's easy flow. I know things never stay the same and that this life is about evolve, learning and growing, so those feelings wouldn't be a forever thing, but when you're living it - oh boy!

I will be back later (hopefully today) with a couple pictures of something I bought that is a great push in getting me to the gym. It is a gorgeous dress I bought to wear to Cute Boy's nephew's wedding and the wedding of a couple of people we play ball with. So unlike me, to wear a dress to 2 functions. Unheard of!

Until next time! Take care and lots of love being sent your way!

Monday, September 13, 2010

On Your Mark, Get Set....


Front shot

Side Shot --- my goodness!!!

The backside - ugly ugly!!!

Since the beginning of September I have been participating in Syl's 30 day challenge that she has going on her blog and Facebook page. I've not been to the gym every day this month nor did I expect to be.

I started this challenge as way to get my motivation level up and inspire myself to want to do something more than nothing. It is a great way for me to get back to doing something for me and only me. That comes out more selfish than I would or could ever be.

I'm not back to work yet, so getting to the gym is pretty easy right now. I will be juggling and struggling more when I am back to work. As of right now, I'm not sure when that will be. I was to have a doctor's appointment today to assess the situation and see where and what happens next, but my doctor's office called early this morning to cancel the appointment. My next appointment isn't until next Tuesday now.

Sadly, my breathing issues are still front and centre. I struggle to get a full breath and have to do funky things with my mouth to get a decent breath or a full lung breath. I do a lot of sighing and it sounds like I'm always yawning or huffing in annoyance. I'm not, I'm just trying to breath. Scary crap, I tell ya! I think it's related to stress and anxiety, but a doctor I'm not so who really knows.

As for the gym, I've currently been there 9/12 days. All things considered I'm extremely impressed with that so far. I will keep working towards my goal of a healthier more fit body. Mentally, I'm a long way off, but I will keep working on that too!

Until next time, to those of you that are still out there reading - thank you!

Love and hugs!

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

I Do and I Don't

I do want to do this and I don't want to do this.

I've been M.I.A. from the world in general for quite some time now. I've been on Faceboook and that is pretty much just a mind kill activity playing games.

My life has been a shit show for about 3 weeks and I'm about ready to lose my mind. I'm off work, doctor ordered stress leave, with a life that isn't getting any less stressful. I'm not sleeping and I'm eating like crap! I'm not sleeping without sleeping pills and I went to the pharmacy to get a refill and the pills I've been prescribed are on back order and have been for 2 months or more. I never took the sleeping pills often, until lately.

My doctor is on holidays and I don't have another doctor's appointment until next Monday, the Monday after the Canadian Labour day. Sorry, too lazy or tired to check a calender. I can just tell you it's too long from now. That is the sad harsh reality of my nights right now. Can you say addiction??? No really, it's not that bad. Okay, maybe it is that bad.

Some of you that read my blog have been around since before it was a blog, when it was a friendship started on a Cross Stitch Board and then it became THIS. Those of you that were around then, were around for the demise of my marriage and all that that entailed. This current life drama is worse than anything I could imagine.

I have a personal fear of certain things happening to either of my daughter's. I best explain them on a ladder scale. The top wrung being murdered, the second wrung raped and the third wrung, I'm living it. I guess the answer to the title, "I do and I don't'', is that I don't. I don't want to do this right now. I can't do this right now. I can say the words of what I'm dealing with, but as I sit here right now, I can not make myself type the words that I can say, and I've been living for weeks. I can do all that, but I can't type them here for me to have to see and relive. It's not going away and I'm not dealing any better now than I was when all this mess began.

On top of the issues with one daughter, my oldest daughter has now decided to embroil herself in this nightmare of her younger sister. She is moving out - her story = she is being kicked out. She is avoiding me and Cute Boy, specifically Cute Boy. Her story = I am lying and being immature and handling the situation incorrectly.

I'm done in a way I have never felt before in my life. The emotional gas tank has no more gas. It is running on empty, zilch, nada, finished! I think I've turned one corner in my thinking and I'm able to get back to some sort of normalcy and then BAM! Here comes another hit upside the head.

Sleep evades. The pills are gone. The tears come. The sadness sits. The questions arise. The hurts seem to fester. The doubt never ends. The fears are endless. The future is as uncertain as it ever was, but in a way so much more so than 3 weeks ago.

I am supposed to go back to work on the 7th or 8th, I'm not sure now, but I'm not 100% on that either. I don't trust myself not to blow up at a caller and say something that would endanger my position or future. I really wish it wasn't coming up to Labour Day and my doctor wasn't on holidays.

Oh well, that's the way of the world, my world right now. I don't know how much more I can take or if and when I will be able to write words that clarify the craziness right now. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Here's to hoping it's some sleep.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

System Reboot

Things have been hectic as of late. I don't really know why I continue overstating the obvious. My life is always hectic. I say this each time as though it's something new. It's not!

Since I last updated, I've been to the doctor. He doesn't think I'm depressed. Thankfully! The doctor thinks I'm stressed, overworked and exhausted. It is good to have an idea of what is going on in my head, beyond the non-stop activity. He advice was to continue on with taking a little time each day to enjoy 'my pretty'. I've been trying to do that, but it's really hard when I'm working, trying to sleep and then all the other daily demands.

I'm trying to take his advice and instead of dealing with the blue screen of a mentally crashed computer, take the time each day for a system reboot.

Keeping with the theme of the system reboot going on, I've decided to recommit to my Weight Watchers way of life. I used to always weigh in on Friday, but I've changed that up too. I'm moving my weigh in day to Wednesday. That is going to take some getting used to that much I know.

I weighed in Friday past and then this morning to restart this new approach. It was a good weigh in. I was down 3.6lbs since Friday! Yaaaaa me. The program works if you allow it to work. I feel amazing today. I haven't been able to say that for quite some time.

This amazing feeling isn't just the weight, although that is a big part of it. Cute Boy and I are in the early stages of figuring out some things that will hopefully enable me to step back from my part time job a bit. That would be awesome. Keep your fingers crossed.

Now for the best part of what has me feeling a bit excited and optimistic is that Cute Boy and I are discussing going on a trip. It would be our first big trip away. It's in the early stages yet, but as things develop I will update. I'm really excited! It could be a whole week with him and another couple. A couple that I very much love and know will have an incredible time with! I hope! I hope! I hope!

So, for my first positive feeling post in a very long time, I may be soon getting away from the blue screen of my life where I feel like I'm about ready to crash! I'm rebooted and on way to working the way I should and want to be from here on out.

To those of you that commented and offered up support, I thank you for riding out the storm with me.

~Love and hugs

Friday, July 30, 2010

Sunflower Smiles

As soon as I opened my eyes this morning, I got up and threw open the curtains, very Ebenezer Scrooge-like, in the hopes of letting in the sun and chasing away this nasty gloom I'm carrying around with me.

It worked for about 2 seconds.

I hit up the coffee pot (my inanimate object BFF) and then sent an e-mail. It was to one that knows me well and loves me in spite of it. Wise words from a wonderful friend had me responding to her comments with tears falling so fast down my face it was hard to see what I was typing. Thank you, Velda. You know, this is why, along with half a million other reasons, I love you!

I played out my addiction of Farmville and Frontierville and then hit the deck with my book. It was in short order just what I needed. I was surrounded my milk jug filled with red/orange sunflowers that are so gorgeous. They just make me smile to know I own them and they are mine... how silly, eh? Cute Boy and I bought the sunflowers and 2 hanging baskets for the deck when at the local market yesterday. I tried as best I could, when on the deck to soak in that feeling of peace and contentment, for times when the dark thoughts reappear. Not sure how well it will work. We'll see.

On my way to work, I stopped in quick to HomeSense to see what pretty things they had in stock. I saw lots and bought nothing, just again soaking up the pretty surroundings. I did the same at Pier 1. Looked at the pretty, and didn't spend.

I feel a little bit better today, but as is the pattern, that could change in the blink of an eye.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Catch Up of the Grumbly Kind

It has been ages since I've been here. I've thought about it numerous times, but just have no desire to put anything down in writing.

I don't know what is up with me, but I definitely don't feel like myself lately. There are so many times throughout a day that I feel manic. I'm up. I'm down. I feel like I have a handle on things. I feel like I'm a fake in the very next breath. I laugh one minute. Could cry the next. I'm driving myself absolutely crazy. My head just doesn't stop. As I sit here and attempt to compose an entry, I'm practically in tears. My throat hurts with the urge to stop the tears. I would probably feel better if I let them fall, but for what reason do I cry? I miss my house. I miss being home. I hate the things in my life that I've done that have put me here. It's just too much some days.

Cute Boy and I were discussing selling our house and building again, or buying a pre-existing house. That isn't going to happen. Long story (not relationship issues), that are now passed and no need to bother with the long drawn out saga of it all.

I'm still working my part time job. The month of August is going to be nothing but a blur for me. I think I have 3, maybe 4 days off the entire month. I am so sick of working working working and not feeling as though I'm making any progress whatsoever. It's as though I'm just holding steady. No longer accumulating debt, but not really decreasing the amount I'm carrying either.

Queenie is all paid up for college and that is a good thing. It was a touchy money month with getting her all squared away. That was another additional financial drain. I'm glad things are taken care of now, though. Help from her dead beat dad would have been appreciated, but that is not ever going to happen.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. It is my escapism from the every day of my life. That has been an upside of working a lot. The part time job has a television with basic cable. That has been fun too. I've been all over The Real Housewives of whatever place. The is mind numbing fun. Great way to pass a midnight shift.

The eating/working out/training for 2nd half has been a non-event! I've not weighed in for 3 weeks. It wasn't helping my mental state, but neither does the muffin top on every single bottom I own..... augh!!!!

Maybe I should have stayed away from the blogging a bit longer. This nasty attitude of mine will scare people away. The people I want to read and comment will go, but not those damn blog spammers will be here to forever torment and torture. My word to them, although I know they don't read they just have some stupid computer program hitting blogs - KCUF FFO, would ya already. Do something constructive and positive with your time! Those stupid spammers would be the reason for the id word function and save to be approved option too. Sorry to those it inconveniences!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Runner's Adrenaline Trouble in the Making 101

A couple days have passed since the hellfire of my current situation. There has been no change. No official word on what this change of events will bring to my life. The fear and apprehension still reside deep down, but there is nothing for me to do right now, but wait. So, wait, I shall do.

In other less titillating news, my life is just plugging along.

I have a word of advice to all of you. Listen closely it's really super important. DO NOT sign up for a running event ie: half marathon within the first month directly following a completed half. You are being lead by your runner's high which is bound to come back and bite you in the kiester!

I signed up to run the County Half Marathon in October and I've run a hand full of times in 2 months. This is not the suggested plan of attack to run a faster 2nd half than that of the inaugural time. YIKES! I'm a bit freaking out.

I'm flat out of time! My time at the part time job is about to increase 10 fold. I'm currently coming off two double shifts. I was overzealous in my thoughts I'd have the time to fit in running and working. The highlight of the upcoming run is that I will have some awesome women on the course with me. It will be a good way to spend a morning, regardless of my finishing time. The competitor in me is singing a different internal tune, but that is really nothing new.

Stress and pressure are the way I live my life. I'm driven by such craziness, but this one is way more than I expected. Knowing myself how I do, I believe I do this so I stress over things so that I can avoid dealing with other things. Those other things scare me way more than a half marathon, I can tell you that much. When I signed up for this 2nd half marathon, Cute Boy and I were talking about my push to do a second which I knew I would eventually do, but not this soon, he was telling me about a conversation he had with a girl at work. This co-worker is a runner too (that 'too' implies I think of myself as a runner - I don't!), and she was telling him that you continue running until whatever it was that put you on the road in the first place has been dealt with. Running desire and drive has been explained. Now to find he time to deal with the requirements of running this new half better than the first! See, I'm a loon!

To further prove the point of my lunacy, reading back this entry I wonder at what I'm really trying to say. To heck with it.... I'm hitting 'publish post'.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Merry-Go-Round Of My Life

My life is just a bit of a trip lately.

I've been plugging along and having a great time with life lately. The ride is about to get bumpy and not so much fun, I think.

The rollercoaster ride of my life is about to start with that person I am still married to. His life is about to change. It's not something I can openly discuss, but things in that regard are getting very touchy. I'm extremely apprehensive to downright scared. Those that know him and know him well, as in one of my daughters, feels the same way, scared for me. Cute Boy is not so concerned for the situation, but he has never witnessed my ex-husband's wrath when he is backed in to a corner. I'm truly freaking out. I know, from the ex-husband's point of view, this all my fault. Nothing that he has done, but all because of me and the fact that I'm an F.........B......!

I don't directly have anything to do with what has been happening to him, although he will see it differently and for that, I'm scared. I am thankful, more than you will ever know, that he lives 1.5 hours away from where I live and that I live with someone now. I have moments where I'm just thinking about things in regards to this situation and I break out in a sweat and shaky hands. How pathetic is that. Fear does that to you, I guess.

What is happening to him is of his own doing and payment for his lack of accountability to his responsibilities, namely our children. I worry about the affect this will have on my daughters and how his parents will see the situation. I know for certain my oldest daughter is already feeling the fallout of what is believed to be as her knowledge of this situation. I had no idea this thing that happened to him was going to happen, so there is no way she was going to know. It is hard to see my husband's wife, I love saying that because it is sooooo wrong, treat my daughter poorly. It is the new woman's immaturity level that is evident here. My daughter offers her help and friendship and the new woman shuts the door. Wake up woman, or rather, girl. You hooked up with a loser when you hooked up with this one. I didn't know it at the time when I was going through my separation, that this was the best thing that could ever happen to me.

There isn't much I can say because this is a legal situation and I don't know how many people read this blog. I don't want to say anything that could detrimentally impact any situation that is upcoming. I just know in the event something comes of this current situation I'm going to be a freaking basket case and I'm scared to death of how I'm going to be portrayed and how I'm going to deal with the pressure of the upcoming weeks.

If I've not completely confused the hell out of you with this extremely cryptic entry, I'm surprised. I just need to get this stuff out of my head and not wanting to go on and on about it to Cute Boy, I needed to dump here. Feel free to click back and not even bother with commenting. I understand either way. There really isn't much here to comment on, just a bunch of mumble jumble from my head to my fingers to this computer screen.

I do ask in closing, just think positive thoughts and if the time comes that I can say something more concrete, I will.


Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Lordy, My Legs!

Yesterday was supposed to be a chest work out day. It was also Cute Boy's oldest daughter's graduation day too. That took precedence. I could have probably been better with time management and fit my work out in too, but I was too busy enjoying the extra time with Cute Boy to bother with working out. My bad, I know! It's all about balance, right?

Graduation was awesome! I will do a post in the next couple days. Suffice it to say we are both very happy to know that half our collected children (2 of 4) have graduated high school. Both of our graduates took a rough route, but they both succeeded and are college bound in a few short months.

Sorry. Back to the topic at hand. My legs. My poor poor legs. Today's workout was short and sweet. I stated in an earlier entry that I'm not a fan of our home gym, but I have amend that statement a wee bit. I'm doing okay with 2 home work outs under my belt. Again, difficulty walking. This time from the lunges, squats and calf raises and not the treadmill workout from my Oxygen magazine.

1 set - no weight - 12 reps
2nd set - 15lb weight - 12 reps

1 set - no weight - 10 reps each leg
2nd set - 10lb weight in my outstretched arms - 10 reps each leg

Low Rise Calf Raises
1 set - no weight - 10 reps
2nd set - 10lbs - 10 reps

Single Leg Step Calf Raises
1 set - no weight - 10 reps each leg
2nd set - 10lbs - 10 reps each leg

You may notice I only did 2 sets of each exercise and most normally you will see 3 sets. 3 is my comfort level and what I was taught and what I do. Today, not going to happen. I was in so much pain by the final rep of the single leg calf raises that I was just about crying from the maniacal laughter.

This work out, as much as it didn't involve a lot of weight, was brutal. I felt my quads in a way that I haven't felt them in a very long time. It felt about as great as I imagine someone sticking needles in my eyes would feel. Again, the stairs are killer and walking down the front steps to the truck this afternoon with Cute Boy was really fun too - NOT. Not when he's snickering at me because I'm walking like I'm a 2 year old just figuring out how to do the stairs alone. Nice! :)

I'm really starting to rethink this at home working out. It's really not all that bad. It just takes an open mind and the drive to follow it through. So far so good.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Treadmill and Triceps Today

I sat down last night and laid out a little work out routine that I can do at home. It's not where I used to be, in weights nor in intensity, but for now it is what I can do. I will revamp as I can and I see things needing improvement.

I am trying to get passed the thoughts of yesterday and focus on what can be done for me today. Today's work out was a 24 minute run, as per my half marathon training plan. I decided to play with that a bit today too. I did Oxygen magazine's Crank Up Your Cardio treadmill run. It is interval based with 2-5 minutes of either walking, jogging or running. Holy hell! It was intense. I wasn't sure I would be able to finish it. I got it in my head that I would quit at 24 minutes. At 24 minutes, I said to heck with it, another 6 minutes would definitely not kill me. As I sit here at the computer, with my legs doing absolutely nothing, my calves hurt. It is painful hurt, but a good hurt! I covered a 3.6K distance which is pretty good since I was doing an awful lot of walking.

I also worked my triceps today. Keep in mind I have a minimally stocked weight room, that I absolutely abhor! It is lacking in space. It is lacking in weight selection. It is lacking in equipment. Most of all, it lacks in a place that I want to be when I'm lifting weights. When I think about going downstairs to work out, I get angry. How pathetic and sad is that.

Now that I've finished bitching about my work out room and the conditions under which I have to work out, I will finally tell you what I did.

Standing Overhead Extensions - 8lbs 12/15/15 reps - 3 sets
Single Lying Arm Crossovers - 8lbs 12/15 - 2 sets each arm
Bench Dips - 10 - 2 sets
Kickbacks - 8lbs - 5 - 1 set each arm

I could feel my triceps when I was working them, but now, not at all. :(

I really need to get a flat bench to compliment the one that is down there, that has a seated leg kicks attachment.

Tomorrow I am going to do the cardio crank up routine again and then work another body part. Which body part I've lined up, I can't remember and the book is downstairs. Those stairs that my legs get annoyed with having to climb!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Evolution of a Friendship

How is it to know when a friendship is no longer a friendship, but an acquaintance.

I struggle with this thought a lot. It is funny because it's all about labeling and really who cares?

You are friends with a person and you do things with them and that is great. A common ground is discovered and a friendship comes to life. That is when things are good and you're learning and discovering how best this particular friend fits and fills a need. As time passes and things change, so does the friendship. It is over time that you show a different side of yourself and a different side is seen of your friend.

Without words being spoken, you find you're no longer spending time with each other and that is okay, because the needs of the friendship are not what they once were nor are the people. As much as the people may not see their contribution or patterned behaviour it is there to be evidenced.

When something or someone comes into your life and fills a void and is no longer needed, is it wrong to not grieve that change or loss? I struggle with this too. I don't grieve it. I get annoyed with it. I feel used and tossed aside. Not tossed aside in a way that bothers me, but tossed aside in the way that I was the replacement to a previous friend of the friend. I feel that I should reach out to the friend I replaced and offer my compassion and apologies. It's a tough one. I never saw the behaviour for what it was to the first friend and now that I'm the replaced one, I see. How self absorbed am I???

What has really defined the end of a friendship and the move to acquaintance is the lack of honesty and openness. It's as though secrets are kept or life is now being compartmentalized. That is the most bothersome to me, if anything is right now. Just be honest about what you're doing. It's a small world. People share and things are learned. It is the separation and secrets that are the problem for me. These 'secrets' you keep, are suspected and to have them confirmed by someone other than the friend is just, I don't know maddening, I guess maddening fits best.

Of this, I wash my hands.

Do I sound childish? I don't intend to come across that way. I find it a difficult thing to explain without sounding like I'm 5 y.o. and taking my ball and going home!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Not Feeling Well

I've been fighting some sort of bug lately. I have no idea. The combination of issues are odd. I've been hot/cold, sweaty/clammy. Stomach ache when I eat. Stomach ache when I don't eat. Frequent headaches.

I stayed home from work today and I called in for tomorrow (Thursday) as well. I've been feeling this way for the last 10 days or so. I will think I'm starting to turn a corner and not feel too bad then the feelings all present themselves again. It's very odd and more than annoying. It's gotten to the point that I've called the doctors to book an appointment. I hate going to the doctor, but I dislike feeling like this even more.

This feeling of blah is starting to play games with my head. I've not been running because of the overall feeling of wanting to vomit. Sorry, I know that isn't very pretty. I just want to feel like myself again. I have no energy. Some mornings, getting ready for work, it is all I can do to shower. That isn't pretty either.

I've been doing a lot of reading. Doesn't take much energy to lift a book. That is the upside. I've barely been eating which is okay, but that isn't the way I want to lose weight. Watch me have a gain this week. LOL Okay, that isn't really funny!

Let's hope another 12 hour sleep helps me feel better. It didn't do much for me today, but trying to keep a positive outlook here. Oh, I do have positive to share. I got my hair cut and coloured today. I love it! If I can get a good shot of it tomorrow I'll post pretty pictures. It felt good to be pampered when I was like a poo bag!

Off to read some more.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Balance Board

You know you're struggling with your weight when a loss of .6lb has you fist pumping like a lottery winner.

I felt like a lottery winner when I stepped off that scale this morning.

There was a time when the losses and stay the sames, weren't a bad thing, and it seemed to come easy. I say easy, but I don't mention the 6 days, 8-10 hours I spent in the gym each week. The careful watching of food I ate. The gym and lifestyle were great, but looking back now I see as off balance.

Today, my life has balance. It has some running. No weight training. I hate weight training at home and I hate weight training alone! My life has beer and healthy eating. My life has a man that is not pushing himself or me for something more than what we currently have in our life right now.

There was this moment that happened about 6 weeks ago. My oldest daughter was here when I was getting dressed, and I know not the best message to send to a 19 y.o., but in the end the lesson was taught to me.

Not a lot of clothes fit me right now. I refuse to go shopping to get bigger sizes. I just refuse. That feels to me that I'm giving in to be this weight and I don't want to do that. So, in that line of thought, refusing to shop, I will get back to my story regarding my daughter and the life lesson.

I was getting dressed and I had put on this particular pair of carpi's that I have owned for years. I owned them when I was with my ex-husband and they fit well when I bought them. I continued weight training and running on the treadmill and biking at the gym. The pants got to being unflattering and extremely saggy bummed. He told me time after time that they didn't compliment me and my hard work, that I should throw them out. I continually said I'd keep them for a day that I was just grubbing around the house. The pants never got thrown out, but the marriage ended and the husband is on his way to be coming an ex-husband.

Fast forward to when I was going to wear these pants the other day. I put them on because they are a go-to pair that fit when most everything else is too small. I put the pants on and did them up and then uncontrolled tears just silently rolled down my cheeks until I was sobbing. My daughter walks in and sees me and asks what is wrong and I tell her these pants didn't fit to the point that I should have gotten rid of them and now they are fitting like they should, so much so that I have to put them in to regular rotation! I was so sad.

I've raised a very wise and intuitive daughter. Much wiser than I realized until this particular conversation. Her response was: You and Dad lived your life together and at the gym. You both looked great, but at what cost? You were at they gym working out and getting healthier and Dad was at the gym working out so he could look good to go out and cheat on you. You don't want that and you know you don't. You come home to a man that loves you. He has never made a comment about your weight, he thinks you look great. You come home from work and sit with him on the couch. You talk. You laugh. You have a beer with him and watch the hockey game. You are happy. Which would you want? The life of being thinner than you are now at the gym all the time, trying to please Dad, or feel and look like you do, with a man, like Cute Boy that loves you for you!

Pretty smart girl, huh?

I was crying when I put the pants on and I was crying at that moment. To have such love and support, but most important validation that I did what I could when I could. It was a moment that really impacted me and still does. I am truly blessed with people that understand I struggle with where I was when I was heavier than I want, where I was in my head when I was smaller and how I am still struggling with how I feel as I've gained some of the weight back.

I am working towards the balance and for today, I think I have it!

I am happy with a loss and I am happy to know that eventually I will figure out what best works for me in getting to where I am comfortable and that do that I don't need to be in the gym 6 days a week, sometimes twice a day. I don't need steroids - never did them, but was pushed in that direction. I don't need work out pills. I need to drink some water. I need to ingest healthy foods. I need what I have right this very minute. People that support, love and listen.

I'm balancing really well right now!

Thursday, June 17, 2010


In my point form entry from yesterday, I stated that my youngest daughter's best friend's mother had been diagnosed with 4th stage uterine cancer. That would be incorrect. She was misdiagnosed.

The poor woman. My heart hurts at the thoughts of how she must be riding the most frightening roller coaster.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Point Is

I'm in a bit of funk as of late. It seems to be going around. I'm not normally one to want to be like everyone else and this is no different.

I've not blogged in a bit on account of being in this bit of a funk, so as much as I'm going to blog now, I'm going to cheat a bit and do it point form.

  • I'm not sleeping well.
  • I'm tired.
  • My daughter's best friend's mother has been diagnosed with 4th stage uterine cancer.
  • This hits too close to home. I'm not dealing with this well.
  • I'm sick and tired of cancer and the fear it incites.
  • I've been feeling sick to my stomach for days and mild annoying headaches.
  • I am sick of working 2 jobs.
  • 2 jobs is making a small financial difference and I'm thankful for that.
  • I miss the sun.
  • The rain is not helping me feel any better.
  • My new running plan is going, but not great.
  • My life is good and I feel ungrateful with what sounds like a negative post.
  • I'm getting my hair cut and coloured next Wednesday.
  • Is it next Wednesday yet?
  • I want some quiet snuggle time with Cute Boy

That is a quick unload of the things floating in my head. I get like this from time to time. As quickly as it appears, something good will happen and I'll feel better. I don't get like this often and for that, I'm thankful.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

It Begins Again

The insanity. The fun. The struggle. The triumph. The pain. The joy. The challenge. The desire that is this run will eventually be repeated.

The distance the same. The scenery and the people in attendance will be different this time around.

The place

<>The scenery could look, hopefully, will look something like this.

Crazy things happen and somehow I get myself right in the middle of them. Last week when I was doing the Law Enforcement Torch Run, I was talking to a girl that also ran the Ottawa Half, and she was telling me about different races around our area. She mentioned that Picton is a good, flat, fast course.

I, in my not so smart moments, mentioned this at work. Well, one thing led to another and I'm running another half marathon. Another half marathon, when I am still dealing with the wonderful feeling I still have from running my first half marathon. I am running again along with a first timer, Tracy. Pam and Kristie are going to walk the half marathon. Cute Boy is contemplating it too. There is a great possibility that a girl that works with Cute Boy will be joining in the fun too, by running the half. It would be her first ever half marathon too. How is it that, me, only ever having run one half marathon in my entire life, will be the veteran of the group? Just kidding. I'm just as green as the rest of them! LOL

I've already started training. I didn't run Monday, because the decision to do this didn't happen until late Monday night, so I've run Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm about to hit the treadmill soon to get my Thursday run in. It looks like I have a bit on my plate again. As much as I wasn't expecting it, I'm looking forward to it again. What have I done?

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Gifts for Me

The Card

This card is gorgeous and with the most beautiful handwritten note. The card alone brought tears to my eyes. It was the sweetest most thoughtful gesture and written note made me feel beyond-words-special.

The Plaque

The plaque is engraved with:
Ottawa 1/2 Marathon
May 30, 2010
Time Completed 2:41

Tracy, the girl that was to come to Ottawa with Pam, Mary and I, but couldn't for personal reasons wanted to give me something to commemorate my special day. I couldn't be more touched. Everyone needs friends like mine that acknowledge the simple, the wonderful and the amazing things in one's life.

I have this little beauty sitting up on the shelf in my kitchen and each morning I drink coffee from my 'Ottawa' Starbucks mug that Pam bought me to celebrate when we where in Ottawa. A girl could get used to this kind of special treatment. Happy is me!

Monday, June 07, 2010

Law Enforcement Torch Run

I can't believe I forgot to tell you what I did on Friday morning. Not really surprising with all the hectic happenings of the Relay for Life. I participated in my very first Law Enforcement Torch Run in support of the Special Olympics

It took place in the quaint little town of
Gananoque. There were too many picturesque shots, so I thought you could take a look at your leisure. The pictures don't come anywhere near to do the beauty of this town justice. It isn't very far at all from home, but not a place I visit often which is really very sad.

I participated because Cute Boy asked me to and since I was going along with him, I figured I might as well participate. It's only neighbourly to support others when have willingly supported me in my fundraising efforts, not to mention the girl that was putting in together is too cute for words. I was hesitant to do something such as this, not because I didn't think I could do it, but because when he asked my quads were still
1/2 marathon screaming.

We had Brian on site with us for our run through Gananoque. He would run for parts of the route then get in the police car, ride for a bit and then out again and carry the torch. It was quite an amazing experience. Oh, I said run. Others ran, Cute Boy and I rode our bikes.

The route was short and quick with police escorts in front and back. Uber cool! The car in back had a very siren-happy-driver, so that was a riot. The concept was simple. A few participants carried a pretty decorated Special Olympics Torch Run can, think paint can, and approached businesses, pedestrians and stopped vehicles for change. Quick and simple and quite lucrative I might add. In under an hour, over 450.00 was raised.

This was the perfect way to spend a beautiful Friday morning with the man I love, in a gorgeous town, doing some good for others. This is definitely something I will be doing again next year. To be honest, I can't wait it was that much fun and that rewarding.

What To Do Now

Relay for Life team barbecue - DONE

Team yard sale - DONE

Team music event - DONE

Relay for Life - DONE

Half Marathon - DONE

Now what to do with what seems to be all my free time?

I think I'm going to go home and hit the treadmill for a 24 minute run!

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Why I Relay

This would be the reason I relay this year!

This year's team

One of my beautiful daughters ~ Princess

This year's version of Velda's Angels is now put to bed.

I am very proud to announce we raised over $3650+ dollars as a team. I am hopeful there is more money out there. I had a few team members that didn't show up or have their money sent in by those that did come out and support us.

I've learned a lot about others and more importantly a lot about myself while doing this relay team this year. I'm not sure all of it is good on either front. Along the way, I've been honoured, I've been annoyed, I've been thoroughly pissed off and upset, I've been disappointed and sometimes stunned. I know I should be more impressed with the money raised, rather than a bitter taste in mouth by the actions of some, but the frustration of this daunting task is more than I anticipated.
I was blessed by a few team members that were available, helpful and committed. It wasn't about signing up in name only and then never being present for an event, not one, or only one event. It was a commitment of time and emotions, not just a phoned in experience. For those team members, thank you!

I didn't intend to come here and rant about this that or the other. The reason for why I do what I do is because of Velda. That being said, I don't deal well if I perceive the reason why some are doing this is for the wrong reasons. The problems I for see in future years is being able to control the team members I have and that is near to impossible. You can't control who joins, so as soon as I activate my account for next year, I'm stuck with running the risk of team members I've struggled with this year.

On a very positive note, Cute Boy saw how much I struggled. The commitment issues of others, and the way I was doing what I could at the eleventh hour to keep the wheels from falling off, and he told me he's in for next year if I do this. I don't know how I could not do. This is about Velda after all. Having Cute Boy on the team would be awesome. I've never been on a relay team with a guy before, so that would present a whole new dynamic. Not to mention I love this man to bits! I look forward to that different dynamic.

All in all, the event was a success, monetarily. Emotionally not so much.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Twas The Night Before The Half

Pam, Mary and I hit Ottawa about 2p or so. We did some walking around and went to the Expo site to pick up our race kits. WOW! This is really happening, was the thought that kept floating through my mind.

We head to our hotel room, thankfully given early check in. The 5K started at 5pm. After finding our way to the run site - awesome hotel location. The people at Holiday Inn didn't mislead us when they told us we are directly in the backyard of the start line. We didn't fuel properly all day. Very bad, I know. So, the three of us split 2 beaver tails. Chocolate Hazelnut and Maple Sugar. Not the normal food choice of elite athletes, I know, but we had to improvise.

Off to the starting line we head. By starting line, I mean 500 meters back, at least 500 meters. The number of people, as much as I knew there were going to be a lot, astounded me.

A view of the start line from where we were

Oh ya, another red corral day!

A little inspiration will follow. I had to take a picture of this shirt design. It was worn by an entire team of 5K'ers.

Having my own attachment to angels. I could not let this opportunity pass me by. Too cute, although a bit heart wrenching too.

The city of Ottawa is a gorgeous one. I took some pictures while on the route. It was good to get out and walk around a bit without the confines of shoppers on Bank St!

Since this 5K was mostly for Pam, it was for her to set the pace. We came in over the finish line at 57:51. I was impressed with that time. It was Pam's desire to finish in less than an hour and we did! I can not come anywhere near to finding the words to express how proud I am of her. For someone to just be restarting their healthy journey, my heart swelled with pride that she did this.

Again, sharing these last couple days with both Mary and Pam couldn't have been a better way to spend an awesome weekend. Thanks girls.

After the 5K, off we went in search of supper. Real food, not crap. We ended up at Richtree Market for dinner. I say we ended up there. It was planned the entire time. It wasn't the carbs I should have had, but the roasted chicken, oven roasted potatoes, and roasted carrots and sweet potatoes were going to have to do. It is the coolest restaurant with great food. Pam and I have another road trip planned in July to Toronto and we will be eating there again. Can hardly wait.

Back to the hotel we head were we snacked on chocolate this and chocolate that with a few potato chips and fruity Ike and Mike's thrown in to watch a marathon of Criminal Minds. Nothing like a little Shemar Moore to relax a girl and ease her thoughts about a half marathon in the morning. I was as snug as a bug in bed by 11p and up at 7:15a to start my own race adventure.

It was a great weekend and a memory that I have to last a lifetime! Thanks girls for automatically jumping on board when I started this crazy journey. Pam, you for helping me (read pushing) to make the decision in the first place. I couldn't have asked for a more relaxing laid back way to run my first (maybe ever) half marathon and a 5K first for another! You girls (and Bre) are Rock Stars!

Monday, May 31, 2010

First Half Marathon Report

That would be the smiling face of a woman about ready to run the first half marathon of her life. It is crazy to think the day had finally arrived and that I finished in 2:41:59.8

It was a long path. I guess all runner's have a story, and after this experience I have a story too. Not only do I have a story to tell, but the stories I witnessed is enough to have me smiling for days.

The morning started off pretty quiet. The alarm went off and I laid in bed for a few minutes watching videos. I wasn't as nervous in the morning as I was the night before, which I found rather strange. It was the do or die moment, I think. There was no turning back at this point. Not that that there was ever a moment that I wouldn't follow through with this. It's just not how I'm wired.

I had various items of support with me:
Red shirt - my favorite colour
Shoe soldier - From Bree to Velda to me
Hat - from Cute Boy
Purple sweat rag - Velda
Music - from my girls
Pam and Mary - support

The shoe bling

Off to the race site we head, Mary, Pam and I. Tracy who was to come with us, had a family situation that kept her from spending the weekend with us. :( Let me say it here and now. I couldn't have chosen better supporters to travel with. Pam and Mary kept me entertained and filled me with hope and confidence. I couldn't be more thankful for their love and support.

The 1/2 was started in waves so as to alleviate congestion where the full and half met up. I was in the Red Corral. Okay, how cool is that? Red is my favorite colour. So, being slow had it's advantages. ;)

I was so far back from the start line, I could barely see it. It took almost 19 minutes for me to cross the start line. It was then that race really began for me. Those first few steps in an actual Boston qualifier and holy hell, I was doing it. One problem with this delayed training and whatnot, my Garmin and I got in a fight, so I was without it for the first 40 minutes. That really threw me off my game. I used my ipod as a timer on my walk/run splits. Oh well! Not everything is going to go right on game day.

I was in the 3+ pace group. Yee of little faith. At one point I saw the 2:45 pace bunny. I wanted her and I wanted her bad! I passed her, by a long shot and then all of a sudden she was back in my vision. Ahead of me! I don't know what happened to my pace, but I was pissed. It was a back and forth with the 2:45 pace bunny. At points I was envisioning smacking her with her little timer stick! LOL

I met up with a woman and ran with her for about 10 minutes and then pulled away. I realized I really was on this journey on my own. I wanted to set my own pace. No matter how fast or slow, I wanted to have the freedom to do my own thing and not feel less than someone else. I ran every training run on my own. No need at this point to mess with what got me this far.

I hit a favorite song at 5K and it totally pushed me forward. Jay-Z, you are the man! I was neither here nor there about the music I was hearing, except for a few songs. A few reminded me of Cute Boy and that was very special while I was out there. A few reminded me of each of my girls. I contemplated putting The Climb on there, but didn't think that was the smartest decision for me at this point in time, or ever.

There was never a moment that I doubted I would finish. There were moments of incredible inspiration, but never many of doubt in myself or the process. The various runners of age, body and physical disabilities, but really disabilities? I don't think so. They were on the route running a half marathon. That in my mind was incredible. I saw people with braces on their knees, ice packs taped to their shins. The whole thing was just mind blowing. I loved it.

I have to give a shout out to any of the volunteers that stood for hours handing out electrolyte drinks, water, gel shots, water sponges, Vaseline swabs. I made sure to thank every volunteer that I was fortunate enough to be supplied something from, usually with a 'You are a rock star' comment. It made them smile. It made me smile. The people on the side of the roads, when they would be encouraging, I would make sure to make eye contact and give a quick smile so they would know they made a difference in my race experience. They really do make a difference!Sometimes it's a bit embarrassing, but it was greatly appreciated and many times just what I needed.

All in all this was an experience that I wouldn't trade for a minute. I'm on the fence about whether I will do another. That is for another time to be thought about long and hard, but not right now. I did this one. I didn't prepare the way I had wanted to, but I'm happy with the outcome. Now, if there is something you think you can't do, go out and try! You just never know how well you may do! Have faith in yourself.

And, the hardware!