Still Off

I went to the doctor yesterday and I'm off for another month. I wasn't expecting this. I know I'm dealing with some things, but I figured he would give me a prescription and my return to work letter. No way! I asked if I was getting my letter and he looked at me like I was nuts. Okay, I feel like I'm losing it, so maybe that was me more than anything else. His belief is that I'm suffering anxiety and panic attacks, as well as being borderline depressed. Is it any wonder?!

I have a counseling service available to me through my employer, but they have been terrible this time around. I've called them 4 times and haven't had a call back. I'm not impressed. So, in telling my doctor this, he has offered to have me see a counselor from the doctor's office. It will enable better communication between him and her. That is a good thing.

I'm not 100% about the prescription right now. I took it last night and today I feel odd. I didn't sleep well last night and right now my ears are ringing something awful. I'm really not enjoying being me lately.

Okay, enough of the heavy stuff! I want to talk about some good stuff!

Today is my WI day... my new day! I lost 1.7lbs this week. I would be making great progress if not for that one week I gained 3lbs. I'm really happy though. It's been a while since I've been this low and since I've had 2 back to back weeks of loss. Yaaaaaa!!! Take joy in the small things.

The one good thing about being off work is that I can get to the gym easier. I do believe once I do get back to work I will be have some sort of routine and it should work out okay too.

I have a half marathon to run in less than 2 weeks and I am nowhere near prepared. Right now, the only hope is that I don't hurt myself. I don't know why I let the adrenaline push me to join this half. I wanted the bling, I think, more than anything else. Awful. I'm just awful!

Anyway, I'm outta here to do nothing and then do more of nothing.

Love and hugs until next time!

I Do and I Don't

I do want to do this and I don't want to do this.

I've been M.I.A. from the world in general for quite some time now. I've been on Faceboook and that is pretty much just a mind kill activity playing games.

My life has been a shit show for about 3 weeks and I'm about ready to lose my mind. I'm off work, doctor ordered stress leave, with a life that isn't getting any less stressful. I'm not sleeping and I'm eating like crap! I'm not sleeping without sleeping pills and I went to the pharmacy to get a refill and the pills I've been prescribed are on back order and have been for 2 months or more. I never took the sleeping pills often, until lately.

My doctor is on holidays and I don't have another doctor's appointment until next Monday, the Monday after the Canadian Labour day. Sorry, too lazy or tired to check a calender. I can just tell you it's too long from now. That is the sad harsh reality of my nights right now. Can you say addiction??? No really, it's not that bad. Okay, maybe it is that bad.

Some of you that read my blog have been around since before it was a blog, when it was a friendship started on a Cross Stitch Board and then it became THIS. Those of you that were around then, were around for the demise of my marriage and all that that entailed. This current life drama is worse than anything I could imagine.

I have a personal fear of certain things happening to either of my daughter's. I best explain them on a ladder scale. The top wrung being murdered, the second wrung raped and the third wrung, I'm living it. I guess the answer to the title, "I do and I don't'', is that I don't. I don't want to do this right now. I can't do this right now. I can say the words of what I'm dealing with, but as I sit here right now, I can not make myself type the words that I can say, and I've been living for weeks. I can do all that, but I can't type them here for me to have to see and relive. It's not going away and I'm not dealing any better now than I was when all this mess began.

On top of the issues with one daughter, my oldest daughter has now decided to embroil herself in this nightmare of her younger sister. She is moving out - her story = she is being kicked out. She is avoiding me and Cute Boy, specifically Cute Boy. Her story = I am lying and being immature and handling the situation incorrectly.

I'm done in a way I have never felt before in my life. The emotional gas tank has no more gas. It is running on empty, zilch, nada, finished! I think I've turned one corner in my thinking and I'm able to get back to some sort of normalcy and then BAM! Here comes another hit upside the head.

Sleep evades. The pills are gone. The tears come. The sadness sits. The questions arise. The hurts seem to fester. The doubt never ends. The fears are endless. The future is as uncertain as it ever was, but in a way so much more so than 3 weeks ago.

I am supposed to go back to work on the 7th or 8th, I'm not sure now, but I'm not 100% on that either. I don't trust myself not to blow up at a caller and say something that would endanger my position or future. I really wish it wasn't coming up to Labour Day and my doctor wasn't on holidays.

Oh well, that's the way of the world, my world right now. I don't know how much more I can take or if and when I will be able to write words that clarify the craziness right now. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Here's to hoping it's some sleep.

Easter Was A Bust

If you count the fact that I'm busting out of my pants, it was a great success.

Saturday evening after Princess got off work and cleaned up we headed to Cornwall to spend the Easter holiday with Cute Boy's family.

I am telling you, this woman, bless her heart, missed her calling in not being a certified chef. I've never seen a woman cook so often and for so many people without so much as a moment's concern about getting it all done. Crazy, I tell ya. She was non stop in the kitchen and never once asked for help, oh one time, for Cute Boy to take the mashed potatoes from the stove to the crock pot to keep them warm.

Cute Boy's family is from Newfoundland, something that I love about him more and more every day. I don't find Cute Boy has much of an accent anymore, UNTIL he is with his family and there is a more obvious lilt to the end of his words. It is the cutest thing ever. I love it.

The dinner put on for us was a traditional Newfoundland fare - Jiggs Dinner. Well, I'm telling you the, this would be where my busting pants came in to play. This meal is very sodium dense it's not to be believed, but a better compilation of flavour and foods, I've never tasted. I could marinate myself in the salt beef and the turnip. My word! After this amazing meal, came the dessert, and I am so proud of myself I only had one plate, so I could really enjoy the dessert. I've been known to have 2 plates most visits, but I had seen the desert in the basement fridge, and I'm no dummy! I saved room for dessert. Dessert was homemade, melt in your mouth, strawberry cheesecake. Cute Boy's sister has found a new way to blend the ingredients in the cheesecake to make it creamier, oh the memory of it. It still makes me smile, at the thoughts of how smooth and delicious it tasted.

You would think that was the only thing going on. It wasn't. There was the wonderful time spent with Princess. That was awesome! There was the expected drama and moodiness from Cute Boy's youngest and the excuses about life's hardships from his oldest. Such a product of the mother. Great kids but a great worry for both Cute Boy and myself right now. I will not slam his kids or throw them under the bus with their decisions or chosen path,not in this forum, as much as I'm frustrated as hell right now, my only concern is that they get through this time in their life unscathed and to see that Cute Boy is okay and handles things for himself in a way that doesn't push him over the edge. That isn't normally his way, but I do worry about him A LOT and this situation is going to get much uglier before it gets anywhere near to better, if it ever does. So very sad! I know I'm going off topic of our Easter celebration, but not really since the situation with the girls was pretty much front and centre, it was different when it was my girls going through things. I was able to be in somewhat control of my situation and now to have just offer support for Cute Boy and watch him worry and hurt, it's hard. I would rather it be me than him. Not for my girls to be in a difficult spot, just me being the primary parent and carrying the majority of the worry.

All in all Easter weekend was awesome. I am now off to do a little weight training downstairs and to guzzle back more water to try and flush my body of the wonders of a Jiggs dinner. Oh so very worth it!

Don't Hold Your Breath

That was some advice I was given today. It is good advice.

The winds of change may be blowing in my favour for the first time in a long time in regards to a situation that has been brewing for about 2 years with the ex husband. It is my hope that he will finally be held accountable to his children and their needs even though they are no longer living at home with me.

I don't expect congratulations or pats on the back for the things I do for my children. It is my privilege and honour to be blessed with the 2 wonderful daughters I have. It has been difficult at times to help them with their needs when money has been tight for me. Cute Boy and I do many things for my children and we do it because I love them (I can't speak for him) and want nothing but the best future for them and doing so when worrying about money is not easy. I created a situation where I had to get a part time job just to make ends meet and I'm okay with that for the most part. I would never list the things I've done for my children, not my story to tell, but theirs. I wouldn't change a thing though if it was that help they needed, then so be it.

Things with my financial situation may be changing. It has been a long and painful haul to get to this point. It may not happen, but I am more hopeful today than I've been in a very long time. I've spent more time on the phone with tracking, discovering, figuring and just plain never giving up on what I believe is right. Now, the person running may have run out of room to run and may very well be forced to be accountable for his responsibilities

Remember - breathe!

Emptying My Head

My head is all over the place this morning, so I'm not sure how much sense I'll be able to make of this post.

Things in life are a combination of good bad and everything between right now. My personal life is in an awesome place, my finances are atrocious. The situation with my husband (should be ex husband by now) are, oh just soooo awesome-not! He is trying to financially sink me and if I don't play my cards smart or at least smarter than I've been he will surely succeed. I'm worried to death about my oldest daughter that is out there in the world trying to make it on her own, but is struggling mightily! I don't know what to do about it or her. Short of hog tying her and dragging her home, there really isn't much I can do. Sit back and watch is what I have to do at this point.

Lily, my youngest (14 y.o.) seems to be in a great place and for that I'm happy. She has done some amazing things lately for which I'm very proud. She bought me my Keith Urban tickets for which I'm very pleased and so excited to do with her. I'm thankful for the gift, but it is the bigger picture that really touches me. Her generosity is second to none and I say this in complete acceptance of the fact that this little girl is a princess through and through. She loves things and wants things, but she is putting her wants and needs aside to give to others. I can't even begin to tell you the pride I feel when thinking of her and her actions.

Alyssa, my oldest (16 y.o.) is a different story. I am very proud of her, but for completely different reasons. She isn't in a place where I would like her to be, nor probably a place she wants to be either, but she is rising to the challenge she's created for herself and doing the best she can with what she has in front of her. I couldn't ask for more. These last few months have been difficult for her and for me, but she is showing such personal growth. It is a proud moment to know, I may have had a hand in some of the troubles facing my daughter, but I raised a very strong, independent thinking young woman.

Now on to my own issues; my weight. I've gained a wee bit this week, but I'm good with it. I ate as if every day were my last day on earth this past week. I had an epiphany moment yesterday and it wasn't a pretty happening if I do say so myself. I use to be very much a stickler for numbers, still am to a certain extent, but as far as clothing I've moved on from that but not completely which was apparent by my episode yesterday. I went shopping for new dress pants to wear to Christmas dinner at Todd's sister's house in a couple weeks. I took in sizes ranging from 3 to 7 since I've never bought pants in this particular store before. Well, lo and behold, I fit best in the 7's. I could have managed with a 5, but if I gained anything more than a pound I'd be in trouble, so what is the point of that. You must be wondering now what is the point of this little story. My point to this and my epiphany moment is that I have to be more diligent in my weight loss efforts. Not because of my clothing number, but because I'm carrying a lot of flab in my midsection and up towards my breasts. It was upsetting to see this, when at one time I'm was 'cutting in' at my abs and now it seems all I'm 'cutting' is cake! I know I can do this I just have to find the will power and the drive, okay maybe a bit extra time wouldn't hurt too. In all seriousness I'm worth the effort and that is the bottom line!