Life's a Bumpy Ride (read cautiously)

I've been away for quite some time, and to be completely honest I'm not sure how much more I will be back. I think about blogging A LOT, but I just don't know what to say. How to say and how much to say.

I've had a lot going on in the last year and in August, I hit my breaking point. I find, there are times that I just get so mired in thoughts of 'whoa is me', that I just step back so as not to be a constant downer to those around me. That is where the 'Tammy Turtle' comes from. I go within and I shut down. It's not a healthy thing, really, but it's what I do.

I had been off work from mid-August until just this past week. I've been under the care of my family doctor and now a counsellor. It has been one the most difficult things that has crossed my path. I would take the heartache and questions of my separation/divorce, 10 times over rather than feel like I've felt in the last couple months.

My 16 year old daughter (now 17) will birth my first grandchild at the beginning of February. It has taken me a while to build up the courage to put that out there. Those that have me on their facebook, please do not mention this there. Out of respect for my daughter and my in-laws, I do not mention my struggles in that forum. As much as my blog is a public Internet (all can read it), this is 'my' place. I just feels different.

I have cried more tears about this situation with my daughter than I would have ever thought possible. This pregnancy and my issues with it, are not just about her age, but the age and history of the father, who is still around. I find that he is still around somewhat surprising.

I'm not putting this next bit of information out there to spark debate or to bring a backlash of my situation. Please keep in mind when you read this, that my world and my daughter's world will forever change from the moment of her realization of pregnancy. I talked (or screamed), depending on how you look at it, about my daughter aborting this pregnancy or putting it up for adoption. I didn't think I believed in abortion and I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

The baby is being birthed by my daughter and I am now working through the process of feeling as though abortion or adoption as an option for my first grandchild, which is a boy, by the way, was something that went through my mind. The situation, being what it is, I feel robbed of that excitement and joy of being happy for the day when I am going to be a grandmother. I don't want to get in to why, other than age, as to why these options where what I thought was best for this unborn child and my daughter. It's not my story to tell and I can't trust myself and my feelings to think I will tell the story without putting my own personal views and feelings to it.

So, in light of that world-rocking-news, my world crashed around me. I was off work for almost 3 months. I'm on anti-depressants. My relationship with both of my daughter's has changed and now viewed in a more contentious and cautious light. I am guarded and scared about my daughter's future, not to mention that of my unborn grandchild. Right now, I take life one day at a time and try to find the good from day to day and work through getting inside my head with the fear of the unknown.

On that note, I think I've unburdened enough. Thanks to those that are still reading and commenting.

Still Off

I went to the doctor yesterday and I'm off for another month. I wasn't expecting this. I know I'm dealing with some things, but I figured he would give me a prescription and my return to work letter. No way! I asked if I was getting my letter and he looked at me like I was nuts. Okay, I feel like I'm losing it, so maybe that was me more than anything else. His belief is that I'm suffering anxiety and panic attacks, as well as being borderline depressed. Is it any wonder?!

I have a counseling service available to me through my employer, but they have been terrible this time around. I've called them 4 times and haven't had a call back. I'm not impressed. So, in telling my doctor this, he has offered to have me see a counselor from the doctor's office. It will enable better communication between him and her. That is a good thing.

I'm not 100% about the prescription right now. I took it last night and today I feel odd. I didn't sleep well last night and right now my ears are ringing something awful. I'm really not enjoying being me lately.

Okay, enough of the heavy stuff! I want to talk about some good stuff!

Today is my WI day... my new day! I lost 1.7lbs this week. I would be making great progress if not for that one week I gained 3lbs. I'm really happy though. It's been a while since I've been this low and since I've had 2 back to back weeks of loss. Yaaaaaa!!! Take joy in the small things.

The one good thing about being off work is that I can get to the gym easier. I do believe once I do get back to work I will be have some sort of routine and it should work out okay too.

I have a half marathon to run in less than 2 weeks and I am nowhere near prepared. Right now, the only hope is that I don't hurt myself. I don't know why I let the adrenaline push me to join this half. I wanted the bling, I think, more than anything else. Awful. I'm just awful!

Anyway, I'm outta here to do nothing and then do more of nothing.

Love and hugs until next time!

On Your Mark, Get Set....

Go!!!!!

Front shot



Side Shot --- my goodness!!!

The backside - ugly ugly!!!

Since the beginning of September I have been participating in Syl's 30 day challenge that she has going on her blog and Facebook page. I've not been to the gym every day this month nor did I expect to be.

I started this challenge as way to get my motivation level up and inspire myself to want to do something more than nothing. It is a great way for me to get back to doing something for me and only me. That comes out more selfish than I would or could ever be.

I'm not back to work yet, so getting to the gym is pretty easy right now. I will be juggling and struggling more when I am back to work. As of right now, I'm not sure when that will be. I was to have a doctor's appointment today to assess the situation and see where and what happens next, but my doctor's office called early this morning to cancel the appointment. My next appointment isn't until next Tuesday now.

Sadly, my breathing issues are still front and centre. I struggle to get a full breath and have to do funky things with my mouth to get a decent breath or a full lung breath. I do a lot of sighing and it sounds like I'm always yawning or huffing in annoyance. I'm not, I'm just trying to breath. Scary crap, I tell ya! I think it's related to stress and anxiety, but a doctor I'm not so who really knows.

As for the gym, I've currently been there 9/12 days. All things considered I'm extremely impressed with that so far. I will keep working towards my goal of a healthier more fit body. Mentally, I'm a long way off, but I will keep working on that too!

Until next time, to those of you that are still out there reading - thank you!

Love and hugs!

Not Feeling Well

I've been fighting some sort of bug lately. I have no idea. The combination of issues are odd. I've been hot/cold, sweaty/clammy. Stomach ache when I eat. Stomach ache when I don't eat. Frequent headaches.

I stayed home from work today and I called in for tomorrow (Thursday) as well. I've been feeling this way for the last 10 days or so. I will think I'm starting to turn a corner and not feel too bad then the feelings all present themselves again. It's very odd and more than annoying. It's gotten to the point that I've called the doctors to book an appointment. I hate going to the doctor, but I dislike feeling like this even more.

This feeling of blah is starting to play games with my head. I've not been running because of the overall feeling of wanting to vomit. Sorry, I know that isn't very pretty. I just want to feel like myself again. I have no energy. Some mornings, getting ready for work, it is all I can do to shower. That isn't pretty either.

I've been doing a lot of reading. Doesn't take much energy to lift a book. That is the upside. I've barely been eating which is okay, but that isn't the way I want to lose weight. Watch me have a gain this week. LOL Okay, that isn't really funny!

Let's hope another 12 hour sleep helps me feel better. It didn't do much for me today, but trying to keep a positive outlook here. Oh, I do have positive to share. I got my hair cut and coloured today. I love it! If I can get a good shot of it tomorrow I'll post pretty pictures. It felt good to be pampered when I was like a poo bag!

Off to read some more.

Glad That Is Over

Was it just yesterday that I said, oh my gosh it's already Thursday? What the hell happened to Friday? Okay, not all of Friday, but Friday afternoon.

I work in an office off all women. Most of the time that isn't a bad thing. I work full time with the same person, Pam, and then the part time girls are varied. Well, I don't have to tell you how part time works. This morning the part time girl, in a word - awesome!! She is funny. She is fun. She is a good worker. What she doesn't know she tries to figure out on her own and if she can't, she'll ask you for help. Love it! Love her.

Fast forward to this afternoon, much too quickly to the afternoon I might add. The part time girl, in a word or two - ridiculously pathetic. Within in her first minute on the job I could have punched her in the throat (not really), but you get the idea. I could just about scream at her. She has no concept of what our job is. We are NOT secretaries. We are NOT babysitters. We are NOT an answering service operator!!!!! I had to work with her for just over an hour, and in that hour I was thinking thoughts that were not going to get me anywhere near the gates of heaven, but closer to the gallows of hell swallowing me whole and Satan himself happy to have me on his team! Nasty, I tell ya. Glad that is over and it's finally Friday afternoon.

Funny, but not really funny in a 'hahaha' sort of funny, how your work environment is so drastically different depending on who you're working with isn't it.

So, on to the good part of my day. It's Friday. I don't work at the part time job this weekend. I'm going to attempt to run tomorrow (5K) and then it's off to a ball party! WOOHOO good times!

I'm happy for not working at the part time job this weekend, although the money is always needed. Cute Boy is at work so I'm on my own until tomorrow afternoon when he gets home. I'm going to do some facebooking - read Farmville and then read my book on the commercials while I watch Sid the Kid even the series with the Ottawa Senators.

Oh, forgot to mention. I weighed in this morning and it was a wee teeny tiny little itty bitty loss, but I'll take it. It put me back in the 130's. Almost as high as I can go and still be in the 130's, but I'll take it - for now!

That's all the chatter I have for now.

Take care and be good to those you love!

Dump List

• I am tired
• I have worked 82.5 hours in 7 days
• I haven't run since Sunday
• I think I have a plan about my debt that has given me some piece of mind
• I'm still stressed about my debt ratio and my overall debt load, even with the plan
• I'm feeling thick and chunky today
• I can't wait until Thursday at 5pm - I'm off until Tuesday unless I get called in to the p/t job which would be good AND bad!
• It is almost Easter which means Coke Zero. How bad is that? I'm losing sight of the reason of the Easter season. I'm not strong like Tash - sorry, sweetie :)
• Still working hard on the Relay for Life Team ~ Velda's Angels is currently moving strong to a good fundraising goal.

How much of a whiner do I sound like today? I'm just mentally exhausted. You would think it's the other way around, that I would be physically exhausted since I'm running on about 5 hours of sleep per night for the last week, but the stress of this debt is killing me mentally.

I feel as though I'm going it alone and I hate that feeling. If it weren't for Pam to bounce ideas and my stressful thoughts off of right now, I'd be certifiable. I've been so dependant upon Pam lately and spending more time with her than with anyone else, I've asked her to marry me. She said, "No!" Can you imagine her turning down such a sweet offer.... she doesn't know what she's missing.

On that note, I'm signing off in search of my good attitude. If anyone sees it can you send it home, please I miss it.

Wicked Work Weekend Mash Up

Time has been in short supply lately. For those loyal readers, I apologize for being away and delaying the suspense of my life's events. Like I like a really exciting life - not so much.

I weighed in on Friday and things STS. Again, I'm good with that. My lovely monthly visitor decided to present herself. AUGH!!!! I'm just barely out of the 140's, so I'm happy with a STS because that means I'm still in the 130's. High 130's, but here is better than not.

I've been working a lot at the part time job this weekend. From Friday to Monday when I get off work at the full time job, I will have worked 37.5 hours. I'm not feeling as tired as I would expect, but this coming weekend I have to do it again. I am really looking forward to Easter weekend. As of right now, but could change, I'm off from Thursday quitting time until Tuesday. That is sweet!!!!!!

So, on that note I'm outta here to figure out supper and relax before heading back to bed to prepare for tonight's midnight shift.

I will be back a bit later with an update on my run from earlier today.

Quiet, Wine and a Funny

No phone call yet. I'm carrying my cel phone around with me like a life line.

Last night was a good night. I got home from work and relaxed the entire night. I poured myself a glass of wine that I tended to all night.

I sat on the new deck, which I love, by the way because it is so big that I can now sit out back with afternoon sun still hitting me. I was out there for about a half hour reading and decompressing from a crazy work day. I then puttered around on my facebook farmville game.
My dinner was less than stellar - a 2 cheese slice grilled cheese sandwich. I later soaked in the tub with my wine and my book, to hit my bed lights out by 9pm, assisted by a sleeping pill to get a solid uninterrupted night's sleep. It was a beautifully quiet night all around. Something I think I needed and if it rains as expected today, which will cancel my ball game, will do again this evening.

I do have a very little funny to share. Those of you on facebook, who are familiar with the applications will understand where I'm coming from in my description. On the right side of the screen is a list of various things that people on your contact list participate in.... well what do you know. There is my husband's face with his fiancee. Yes, you read that right - my husband LMFAO, with an announcement about his/their Jack and Jill this coming weekend. Princess and his cousin (who is on my list) are attending, so it shows on my page since people I know are attending this event. Since it is an open event I'm able to access this information. I was dying laughing.... I was tempted to post on the page that you might want to seek a divorce prior to your new marriage. I didn't, but the temptation was oh so huge! It gave me the greatest laugh. Some people!

Off to start my day here at work again. Hopefully things will be peaceful. My trusty sidekick isn't in with my today, so the day could be a stressful mess. Okay adding this - screw the hope of a stress free day... the replacement co-worker just walked in the door at 7:05. Her shift starts at 8:45am.... oh freaking great. This is going to be a shit day! She will sit here all day reading over my shoulder through everything I look at all day long on the computer. She will comment then apologize and then do the same thing all over again 5 minutes later. Paranoia to the extra and it drives me absolutely bat shit crazy! Shoot me now to put me out of my misery. Isn't it terrible? My entry started out not too bad in tone and within 5 minutes I'm losing it. Fuck! I didn't have the opportunity to hit "publish post" before the day took a turn for the worst. AUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHH

Have a great day!

Bring On The Cold

Okay, not really. I'm not that crazy!

This would be the most beautiful scarf ever made. Little Miss Princess bought this for me for my birthday. It was crazy expensive, not because it is made of any special fabric, but because it was bought at Le Chateau. I love their clothing and accessories, but it is so expensive.

I think it will look just darling with my new coat and my old coat from last year. I've become quite the coat collector it seems. If money were not a factor, I could have bought another 3 or 4 coats yesterday alone.

Princess also bought me a white blouse for a great price. I will wear it next week when I'm working days and it matters how I look in the office. This week I'm 6p-2a, and I'm wearing track pant type things and Yankee hats. Some days I love my job!

I love love love my new scarf!

My Life In A Nutshell

There is so much going on in my life right now that I find I'm scatter brained when it comes to trying to compose a blog entry. I've not been posting, but trust me it is not for lack of trying. I couldn't count the number of times I've started an entry to find myself with a mental block and hitting the delete button. Sorry!

Here goes. Now, that being said where do I begin.

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Things with the girls are interesting to say the least. I still never see Queenie. This life of hers is a major stresser for me, but I'm just letting her do her thing. Against my better judgement most days, but it's not for me to decide any longer.

Princess on the other hand had me hopping a bit ago. She had herself a major lapse in judgement (I'm being overly kind) and didn't like that I took the hard line with her. She quickly decided she wanted to visit her dad for a while. She is leaving to go to her dad's on the 28th of July until sometime towards the middle to end of August. She has since decided she regrets this rash decision of running to her dad's but it is a learning experience for her, at least I think so anyway.

I'm going to miss her like nobody's business, but I think it is going to be good for her. As much as she was overwhelmed with her situation and mad at me when she made this decision, she sees now, her best place, and most appreciated place is with me. Even when I'm mad at her, or disappointed in her, as was the case, her best place of support is to be home. There are a whole plethora of emotions she is dealing with in regards to going to her dad's and for that, I feel for her. I try to look at this situation as a character builder for her. We'll see if I'm right or not. I know she's apprehensive now, because he sees a crack in her commitment to be home and he is going to put the full court press on her to move there with him.

I'll do my best to update her situation as it unfolds. You'd think I was giving you a play by play of a daytime drama!

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Things with work are the same. The full time position that will be/should be mine was posted last Wednesday, with a closing date of tomorrow at 1:30p. It's pretty much just the dotting the i's and crossing the t's and the position will be mine. I've been working in a full time capacity for the last 3 months and with the retirement of a full time co-worker, I'll be full time next.

As much as it is a good thing after being part time now for 9 years, I'm of mixed emotions about being full time full time. It is a cut in pay, but not really. Right now I'm paid in lieu of benefits and holidays, but if I don't work I don't get paid. When I'm officially full time I'll have 4 full weeks of holidays paid. It is what you work towards and to finally realize the end is near it is somewhat draining and scary. The loss of in lieu on my pay is equivalent to about 300-400 per pay at a full time work week. I don't always work full time, but since I have been for 3 months, it is similar to a pay cut.

I really am very happy and relieved to finally be at the of my part time career, as much as it may not sound that way. It is just a mental adjustment.

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I've not been stitching at all. I miss it greatly, I really do. As much as I miss it I can not for the life of me find the desire to pick up a needle! I could have stitched so much my last week of work 6p-2am, but I just had nothing in the tank as far as drive for dragging out my stash. So very sad. I'm hoping to at least make a more concerted effort tomorrow night. I' promise to try!

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Things with the house are just! I've been selling things in my home...my sectional couch, my lawn mower, barbecue. My kitchen table is currently for sale and a few other things. It is strange to see things go, but there is no need, nor room for things to be kept at this point in the game.

Cute Boy and I are trying to find temporary accommodations for 4 months for when my house closes and our house is built. We are looking at a 2 bedroom condo this coming weekend. It will be a tight fit when Cute Boy's girls come for the weekends, but things will get figured out. The rent on this place will be considerably cheaper than we are both paying in a mortgage payment, so the extra money will be helpful in cleaning up our debt or purchasing appliances for the new house. This house building is expensive business!

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My fitness and eating are atrocious at the moment. I'm at the point where I'm starting to obsess about my weight and poor eating habits. I'm annoyed as hell at myself that I've let myself go to the point that I'm now 10lbs over my comfortable weight. I hate looking in the mirror. I feet terrible beyond anything that I've ever felt before. I'm at a loss right now about what I should do!

I'm trying to get back to my running and I will eventually. I just want to hit the street and lose myself in my thoughts and not look at running as means to an end (losing weight and leaning down), but as a way to give myself a much deserved break from the everyday demands of my life. I think that is not too much to do for myself. Now doing it is a completely other story all together.
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I think that is all I have for today! It is a long one, I know. Sorry about that. I should know better than to be away for so long next time.

Thanks for getting through it all, if you did. You rock!

From The Mouth Of The Horse

After much speculation around my office, it has been confirmed. My co-worker is leaving. Her and I had a chance to talk today and she told me she is officially finished July 31. It was a sad moment for the two of us. She is happy and scared all at the same time, and as happy as I am for her to move on to this new and different chapter in her life, I'm really going to miss her.

My office is staffed by 11 women and as much as we are co-workers we are more like family. The things we have gone through together is the type of live experiences you share with your family. We have celebrated together and mourned together. In the almost 9 years since I've worked in my office, we have seen a separation, a daughter with breast cancer, a mother admitted to hospital with many ailments, weddings, numerous grandchildren being born, grandfathers passing away, grade school graduations, university graduations, housewarming parties, new houses, renovations, trips to Costa Rica, Ireland, Florida, the East Coast and beyond. The life experiences we've shared are the things that make me realize the people I share my office with, I very much share my life with as well. As much as we will struggle as a group at times, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Our job is one that can be very relaxed and in an instant be something of a war zone. It is with teamwork that the office runs smoothly and without the trust and support of one another, the job, or each individual in that team would not be near as successful as they are as a single unit, working towards the common goal of doing our job and holding up our own part of the team.

I guess as much as I describe a team work effort, it could very well be paralleled to that of a family. A family is only as strong as it's weakest link as is my office. I sadly, as much as I love the girls I work with, spend more time with them than I do my own family. When life is exciting it is them I share, the same with the sad. Some of the most support I've received been has been in the hugs of my co-workers. I like to think in my own small way I've given the same love and support to them.

My dearest girl, I shall not name you, since it's not been made official through appropriate channels that you are leaving. Know, with sadness I prepare for your leaving and with joy in my heart, I also get ready to bid you 'comfortably numb' in this new and exciting chapter in your life. Love you!

Crazy Train

I'm in a bit of a mood today. I'm not sure what kind of mood, but a mood!

I woke up this morning, obviously I woke up, or I'd be dead. Right? See what I mean? I'm in that kind of mood. I'm driving those around me a little bit crazy. I see nothing new in that, but they seem to think I've taken it up a notch today. I think it's more them than me, in fact I know it is.

I weighed in this morning. No change 129.6 still. I don't know how the scale is not moving. I've been eating like crap! I would expect it to be moving up, but staying the same??? I didn't believe the number on the scale and when I say I didn't believe it, I didn't. I got down on my knees and stuck my face right into the readout. I don't know what I expected to see, but I was looking anyway. Now keep in mind, my body was no longer on the scale. Seriously, what was I expecting to see?

As much as my renovations have come to somewhat of a standstill I'm still lovin' my new bathroom. It is so much better laid out and I'm loving it. It is translating to an easier time getting ready in the morning and better hair days all around. Is it possible that a new bathroom could prompt better hair days? I guess is possible, because I'm living the dream! If I'd known that I'd have pushed harder to get the bathroom renovated long ago! Oh, and another thing... good hair day AND I'm wearing my sassy red boots. I don't wear them often, but today the mood fits!

I head out in the mini blizzard that just started as I'm about to walk out the door. I was really hoping when I woke up to no snow accumulation that the storm had passed us by.... WRONG. The storm was just starting as I headed out the door. Oh joy, oh bliss!

I started my morning commute with a little Keith! Keith Urban starting your day, no matter what you're faced with Keith can make it all better. I haven't told you lately, so I'll do it now. I love Keith Urban! Off to Starbuck's Keith and I head. It is Friday and I'm TRYING to limit myself to once-a-week Starbuck's. All is good, I order my tall, non-fat, chai tea latte and, pay for my tall, non-fat, chai tea latte. I stand patiently, okay, not so patiently at the bar and am presented with a Grande, non-fat, chai tea latte. Score one for the little guy - me! I point out the error and barista girl says, 'oh that's okay, have some on us". Well, darn tootin' I'll have one on ya! I'll have it all on my arse too. Getting more than you pay for is always awesome, but now I have to count the points for a larger size... a larger size arse too! I forewarned you, I'm in a mood!

I'm at work now and as I said in the beginning I've been a freak today! If I make it out of this day with a job, I'll be doing well! Kathy and I, and I blame it all on Kathy, have been having fits of laughter. I think it is just the other side maniacal to be completely honest with you! She presented me with a Cadbury Easter Creme Egg. This will be my 3rd of the year. I'm going nowhere close to Pumpkin's target of 40 eggs this year. At 6 points per egg I'm going to try and keep them to a minimum. How am I doing so far?

This Cadbury Creme Egg brought me quite a measure of joy and still does as it stares back at me from my very messy desk. I want to eat him sooooo bad, but I will hold out. I've not said how long I'd hold out, but I will put up a pretty good fight. The best part of the egg is the ensuing conversation. Sex versus Chocolate! More on that in a future post.

I think in a nutshell, I've summed up my day. It is crazy. I am crazy. Those around me are crazy. The weather is crazy. It is crazy train here today and I want to get off. Wait a minute, I'm driving the crazy train today. Will someone help me get off?

Balancing Act: Not Doing a Very Good Job Of It

Full-time. Will it ever come? I love my job and I hate my job. My job affords me a wonderful life and for that I'm thankful. I really do, for the most part, love what I do. I love the job, but hate the hours.

I spent the morning with Cute Boy and his girls. It was a fun morning... colouring hair! Hair!!! Me and hair! What a sight that was... Cute Boy's girls got to see one of the dorky sides of me... my freakish phobia of hair. It was fun to colour L's hair though since colouring hair is something I've never done on someone else ever before. I had to leave for work (grrrr), before it was dry so I didn't get to see the end result. I'm praying it turned out okay. If not, I hope L's a forgiving sort or her mother can fix her up right as rain. Leaving Cute Boy and the girls early this afternoon is just one of another reasons I'm in a slump with my job right now.

There is really nothing specific that prompts this feeling today. Nothing other than the fact that I would love nothing more than to be curled up on the couch, preferably Cute Boy's couch watching the football game today. If I could schedule my work hours around the things I want to do, I'd be a much happier girl, but who wouldn't, right?

I miss my own girls like crazy lately. I've been getting it from some about not being with them enough and I honestly don't see it that way. There are times when, yes, I'm not as available to them as I should be, but how much of my life should I not live because they don't want to come along...is it my fault others want to spend time with me while my girls would rather spend time with others and not me. I try not to hold it against them, I just don't know how to balance my life with them and find time to spend with Cute Boy. Not all things lead back to Cute Boy, but right now in this thought they do... we've been dating for 4.5 months and my girls will still not meet his daughters. It is now getting to the point where I'm getting uncomfortable with them not meeting Cute Boy's daughters. I'm sick of fighting it so I quit asking them to meet his daughters. They are the ones missing out on meeting new people and a whole lot of fun! The struggle is that I'm fearful of Cute Boy's daughters being hurt because of my daughters not being giving in meeting new people. I think both sets of girls could offer alot to the other, but my girls will not budge... GRRRRR Time is what I've given them and I'm okay with that, but this, in my opinion is bordering ridiculous.

Oh, on a more positive thought and a wee question for you... do you know how hard it is to sleep when you're smiling? And no, it's not a dirty minded question, but a true honest to goodness happening.