Friday, July 30, 2010

Sunflower Smiles

As soon as I opened my eyes this morning, I got up and threw open the curtains, very Ebenezer Scrooge-like, in the hopes of letting in the sun and chasing away this nasty gloom I'm carrying around with me.

It worked for about 2 seconds.

I hit up the coffee pot (my inanimate object BFF) and then sent an e-mail. It was to one that knows me well and loves me in spite of it. Wise words from a wonderful friend had me responding to her comments with tears falling so fast down my face it was hard to see what I was typing. Thank you, Velda. You know, this is why, along with half a million other reasons, I love you!

I played out my addiction of Farmville and Frontierville and then hit the deck with my book. It was in short order just what I needed. I was surrounded my milk jug filled with red/orange sunflowers that are so gorgeous. They just make me smile to know I own them and they are mine... how silly, eh? Cute Boy and I bought the sunflowers and 2 hanging baskets for the deck when at the local market yesterday. I tried as best I could, when on the deck to soak in that feeling of peace and contentment, for times when the dark thoughts reappear. Not sure how well it will work. We'll see.

On my way to work, I stopped in quick to HomeSense to see what pretty things they had in stock. I saw lots and bought nothing, just again soaking up the pretty surroundings. I did the same at Pier 1. Looked at the pretty, and didn't spend.

I feel a little bit better today, but as is the pattern, that could change in the blink of an eye.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Catch Up of the Grumbly Kind

It has been ages since I've been here. I've thought about it numerous times, but just have no desire to put anything down in writing.

I don't know what is up with me, but I definitely don't feel like myself lately. There are so many times throughout a day that I feel manic. I'm up. I'm down. I feel like I have a handle on things. I feel like I'm a fake in the very next breath. I laugh one minute. Could cry the next. I'm driving myself absolutely crazy. My head just doesn't stop. As I sit here and attempt to compose an entry, I'm practically in tears. My throat hurts with the urge to stop the tears. I would probably feel better if I let them fall, but for what reason do I cry? I miss my house. I miss being home. I hate the things in my life that I've done that have put me here. It's just too much some days.

Cute Boy and I were discussing selling our house and building again, or buying a pre-existing house. That isn't going to happen. Long story (not relationship issues), that are now passed and no need to bother with the long drawn out saga of it all.

I'm still working my part time job. The month of August is going to be nothing but a blur for me. I think I have 3, maybe 4 days off the entire month. I am so sick of working working working and not feeling as though I'm making any progress whatsoever. It's as though I'm just holding steady. No longer accumulating debt, but not really decreasing the amount I'm carrying either.

Queenie is all paid up for college and that is a good thing. It was a touchy money month with getting her all squared away. That was another additional financial drain. I'm glad things are taken care of now, though. Help from her dead beat dad would have been appreciated, but that is not ever going to happen.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. It is my escapism from the every day of my life. That has been an upside of working a lot. The part time job has a television with basic cable. That has been fun too. I've been all over The Real Housewives of whatever place. The is mind numbing fun. Great way to pass a midnight shift.

The eating/working out/training for 2nd half has been a non-event! I've not weighed in for 3 weeks. It wasn't helping my mental state, but neither does the muffin top on every single bottom I own..... augh!!!!

Maybe I should have stayed away from the blogging a bit longer. This nasty attitude of mine will scare people away. The people I want to read and comment will go, but not those damn blog spammers will be here to forever torment and torture. My word to them, although I know they don't read they just have some stupid computer program hitting blogs - KCUF FFO, would ya already. Do something constructive and positive with your time! Those stupid spammers would be the reason for the id word function and save to be approved option too. Sorry to those it inconveniences!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Runner's Adrenaline Trouble in the Making 101

A couple days have passed since the hellfire of my current situation. There has been no change. No official word on what this change of events will bring to my life. The fear and apprehension still reside deep down, but there is nothing for me to do right now, but wait. So, wait, I shall do.

In other less titillating news, my life is just plugging along.

I have a word of advice to all of you. Listen closely it's really super important. DO NOT sign up for a running event ie: half marathon within the first month directly following a completed half. You are being lead by your runner's high which is bound to come back and bite you in the kiester!

I signed up to run the County Half Marathon in October and I've run a hand full of times in 2 months. This is not the suggested plan of attack to run a faster 2nd half than that of the inaugural time. YIKES! I'm a bit freaking out.

I'm flat out of time! My time at the part time job is about to increase 10 fold. I'm currently coming off two double shifts. I was overzealous in my thoughts I'd have the time to fit in running and working. The highlight of the upcoming run is that I will have some awesome women on the course with me. It will be a good way to spend a morning, regardless of my finishing time. The competitor in me is singing a different internal tune, but that is really nothing new.

Stress and pressure are the way I live my life. I'm driven by such craziness, but this one is way more than I expected. Knowing myself how I do, I believe I do this so I stress over things so that I can avoid dealing with other things. Those other things scare me way more than a half marathon, I can tell you that much. When I signed up for this 2nd half marathon, Cute Boy and I were talking about my push to do a second which I knew I would eventually do, but not this soon, he was telling me about a conversation he had with a girl at work. This co-worker is a runner too (that 'too' implies I think of myself as a runner - I don't!), and she was telling him that you continue running until whatever it was that put you on the road in the first place has been dealt with. Running desire and drive has been explained. Now to find he time to deal with the requirements of running this new half better than the first! See, I'm a loon!

To further prove the point of my lunacy, reading back this entry I wonder at what I'm really trying to say. To heck with it.... I'm hitting 'publish post'.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Merry-Go-Round Of My Life

My life is just a bit of a trip lately.

I've been plugging along and having a great time with life lately. The ride is about to get bumpy and not so much fun, I think.

The rollercoaster ride of my life is about to start with that person I am still married to. His life is about to change. It's not something I can openly discuss, but things in that regard are getting very touchy. I'm extremely apprehensive to downright scared. Those that know him and know him well, as in one of my daughters, feels the same way, scared for me. Cute Boy is not so concerned for the situation, but he has never witnessed my ex-husband's wrath when he is backed in to a corner. I'm truly freaking out. I know, from the ex-husband's point of view, this all my fault. Nothing that he has done, but all because of me and the fact that I'm an F.........B......!

I don't directly have anything to do with what has been happening to him, although he will see it differently and for that, I'm scared. I am thankful, more than you will ever know, that he lives 1.5 hours away from where I live and that I live with someone now. I have moments where I'm just thinking about things in regards to this situation and I break out in a sweat and shaky hands. How pathetic is that. Fear does that to you, I guess.

What is happening to him is of his own doing and payment for his lack of accountability to his responsibilities, namely our children. I worry about the affect this will have on my daughters and how his parents will see the situation. I know for certain my oldest daughter is already feeling the fallout of what is believed to be as her knowledge of this situation. I had no idea this thing that happened to him was going to happen, so there is no way she was going to know. It is hard to see my husband's wife, I love saying that because it is sooooo wrong, treat my daughter poorly. It is the new woman's immaturity level that is evident here. My daughter offers her help and friendship and the new woman shuts the door. Wake up woman, or rather, girl. You hooked up with a loser when you hooked up with this one. I didn't know it at the time when I was going through my separation, that this was the best thing that could ever happen to me.

There isn't much I can say because this is a legal situation and I don't know how many people read this blog. I don't want to say anything that could detrimentally impact any situation that is upcoming. I just know in the event something comes of this current situation I'm going to be a freaking basket case and I'm scared to death of how I'm going to be portrayed and how I'm going to deal with the pressure of the upcoming weeks.

If I've not completely confused the hell out of you with this extremely cryptic entry, I'm surprised. I just need to get this stuff out of my head and not wanting to go on and on about it to Cute Boy, I needed to dump here. Feel free to click back and not even bother with commenting. I understand either way. There really isn't much here to comment on, just a bunch of mumble jumble from my head to my fingers to this computer screen.

I do ask in closing, just think positive thoughts and if the time comes that I can say something more concrete, I will.