Friday, December 31, 2010

Good-bye 2010

This has been quite the year. It hasn't been the best year nor has it been the worst. This has been a year filled with change and a lot of personal growth.

I've learned that I am so very blessed and loved by the most amazing man. Our relationship hasn't always been the easiest and that is okay. For everything Cute Boy and I have faced together, it has brought us to this most incredible place with an understanding of who we are as individuals and has shown us how our experiences make us who we are today.

My youngest daughter is now pregnant and that discovery knocked me for a nasty mental loop. The road back to a stronger mental spot has been wrought with many ups and downs. I still struggle with her actions and decisions, and figure I will for some time still. There is nothing to be done now. The little peanut is on the way and a small part of me, okay a bigger part than small, is getting excited. If it's any indication, the shopping for him has already started.

My oldest daughter still amazes and impresses me. Her and I have had our fair share of trials this past year, but seem to be in a better place now. I'm glad for that. She is doing extremely well in her first year of college. She has made some major decisions with regards to her schooling. Major move. Queenie has applied to another college (4 hours away) to a new program after she realized this one she is in isn't for her. When did she become so mature? Some of the courses she is currently taking may be transferable so she is going to continue on with this program so to enable an easier transition from one program to another.

Velda is still alive! That has been the biggest blessing of this year. I still worry every day and deal with the busy of my day to day life that keeps from seeing her as much as I would like. Never far from my mind is she, and even closer to my heart. She is another area of my life that I know I am amazingly blessed. I am never made to feel guilty when I don't visit as I should, nor does it ever feel like I've left when I get back there. From what I can see, her health is still good and she looks incredible. She does a heart good!

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Oh ya, I do. It brings 2011 Resolution Run with the ugliest running jacket EVER!!!!! I look like a freaking pylon! I'll be back with an update tomorrow or the next day.

Happy New Year to you and yours!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Contented Sigh

I made mention in my previous post about my life being at a place where I am content. I'm so much more than content. Aside from my worries about my daughter's pregnancy, I'm so incredibly happy.

My life hasn't always been what it is today. I was in a marriage that I thought was going to last forever. Who doesn't think that when they get married? After many years, some good, some great, and some just downright awful, the marriage ended. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I felt, as I'm sure many do, when something such as marriage ends, you'll never feel normal or happy again. It's a way of coping and healing.

What I thought was a good marriage turned out to be a mess. I look back now and see the dysfunction for what it was. It wasn't all bad, but there was so much of me I couldn't be. I was constantly striving to be what he wanted. What he wanted wasn't me and that much and so much more is evident by the cheating and the disrespect shown over the final years of our life together. That was tough. I'll never say otherwise, but I am certain of one thing. I would do it all over again if it put me where I am today.

Today, I share my life with the most wonderful man. I am more blessed than I sometimes think I deserve. The life that Cute Boy and I live is pretty charmed. I don't mean charmed in the lots of money, fine dining, exotic trips and all that glitz and glamour, but charmed in a way that each and every day I see my life as a blessing. My life with him, a blessing.

The life I live with him is one that shows me laughter, friendship and the most incredible support and understanding I could ever find. As with any relationship, he and I have had our ups and downs. From those early days when you're a huge grin knowing you're going to be spending time together while still in that honeymoon phase, to the points of moving in together and all the adjustments that entails. Wondering at that point, between the settling in to this new living arrangement and the fighting if we've made the right choice. Are we right for each other? Should we have moved in together? Have we made a mistake?

It has been a crazy year and not one I would want to relive, although I can see a different side to my relationship. You can add that to the rest of the lessons learned over the past couple months. I am so content and at peace with where I am and how I got here. I've said to Cute Boy in the past, 'I would take every tear and heartache all over again, if it were to put me here with you'. I meant it when I said it the first time and I think it holds true more and more as we face each hurdle together.

From a few short months ago, spiralling in to a depression, fearful of the future and struggling to get out to bed, to now being excited to see what life brings me each and every day, is quite a feeling. To share that excitement each day with Cute Boy is priceless.

***This post started out in my head completely different than how it hit the blog. I'm not certain I did justice to what I was really trying to say.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Figuring It Out As I Go

I am smart and a wonderful woman. Those were the words uttered by my doctor this morning.

I had an appointment today to discuss my emotional and mental struggles with all the things surrounding my daughter and her pregnancy. It was a very good appointment. I've learned a lot about myself, my strengths, weaknesses and coping skills. This situation is not something I would ever wish on another parent, but from all things come a learning lesson. Mine would be that I may crack and a may crumble, but I will not break. I am much more equipped to deal with things than I thought I was. I'm stronger than I've ever really given myself credit.

It is not without the help of others though that I can say that I am who I am. The list is long, the instances many when I was given support and strength from others. Not all that have helped me read my blog and for that, I am sad. I have done my best to thank them and to let them know how much their generosity, love and friendship have meant to me while I struggled.

A very important thing I learned is that this baby is coming. It's not as though I didn't know it, but I've worked towards accepting that fact that this little guy is coming. Regardless of his parent's life choices and how his little life began, he is coming. He is going to be loved, cherished and adored. These are things I know. No matter my feelings about this pregnancy leading up to his birth, I know myself well enough to know I'm going to fall in love with him as soon as I lay eyes on him. My fear for his future is now being replaced with thoughts of his little fingers, his tiny toes, his little face and those first wondrous moments and all the joy a little baby brings.

This journey isn't just mine. It will be my daughter's and that of my little grandson, but this right now is about me and how I'm coping. I've come a long way. I'm not to the point that I'm excited. I'm still scared. Scared to death really, but I'm starting to work my way around to being more happy than apprehensive. Is it wrong to feel happy about something that I was so torn up about only 4 months ago, if even that long? The battle in my head is a struggle.

A baby is on his way in the next couple months. That is huge! Holy cow!

My life is really coming around to a place that I am so content with and I will post more on that in the next couple days.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Quick Update

Life is no less crazy 2 weeks later. Thank you for the kind works and support. They are greatly appreciated.

The crazy really isn't much to do with Princess (pregnant daughter), not in a day to day sense, but figuring it all out in my head. I don't see her much. She doesn't see anyone else much either. She is all about the father of the baby and working. I know she is extremely stressed out. Who wouldn't be? 17 years old. Pregnant. No longer in school and supporting yourself, your boyfriend and your boyfriend's child (4 years old) from a previous relationship. I'm 41 years old and that situation would stress me out!

Outside of the pregnancy situation, life is good. Cute Boy and I are in an awesome place. I couldn't be happier with respect to my personal life.

I have been hitting the gym again - finally! My weight isn't going down. It is holding steady and I'm okay with that for now. I've finally realized this isn't a race. It is about living, learning and doing what I can from day to day. If the gym isn't my #1 priority that's okay.

I hope is well with those that are ready. I'm doing my level best to get back to blogging, reading others and commenting.

Take care!