Contented Sigh

I made mention in my previous post about my life being at a place where I am content. I'm so much more than content. Aside from my worries about my daughter's pregnancy, I'm so incredibly happy.

My life hasn't always been what it is today. I was in a marriage that I thought was going to last forever. Who doesn't think that when they get married? After many years, some good, some great, and some just downright awful, the marriage ended. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I felt, as I'm sure many do, when something such as marriage ends, you'll never feel normal or happy again. It's a way of coping and healing.

What I thought was a good marriage turned out to be a mess. I look back now and see the dysfunction for what it was. It wasn't all bad, but there was so much of me I couldn't be. I was constantly striving to be what he wanted. What he wanted wasn't me and that much and so much more is evident by the cheating and the disrespect shown over the final years of our life together. That was tough. I'll never say otherwise, but I am certain of one thing. I would do it all over again if it put me where I am today.

Today, I share my life with the most wonderful man. I am more blessed than I sometimes think I deserve. The life that Cute Boy and I live is pretty charmed. I don't mean charmed in the lots of money, fine dining, exotic trips and all that glitz and glamour, but charmed in a way that each and every day I see my life as a blessing. My life with him, a blessing.

The life I live with him is one that shows me laughter, friendship and the most incredible support and understanding I could ever find. As with any relationship, he and I have had our ups and downs. From those early days when you're a huge grin knowing you're going to be spending time together while still in that honeymoon phase, to the points of moving in together and all the adjustments that entails. Wondering at that point, between the settling in to this new living arrangement and the fighting if we've made the right choice. Are we right for each other? Should we have moved in together? Have we made a mistake?

It has been a crazy year and not one I would want to relive, although I can see a different side to my relationship. You can add that to the rest of the lessons learned over the past couple months. I am so content and at peace with where I am and how I got here. I've said to Cute Boy in the past, 'I would take every tear and heartache all over again, if it were to put me here with you'. I meant it when I said it the first time and I think it holds true more and more as we face each hurdle together.

From a few short months ago, spiralling in to a depression, fearful of the future and struggling to get out to bed, to now being excited to see what life brings me each and every day, is quite a feeling. To share that excitement each day with Cute Boy is priceless.

***This post started out in my head completely different than how it hit the blog. I'm not certain I did justice to what I was really trying to say.

I Dream A Little Dream

This is probably one of my favorite pictures ever. It has taken me a while to get a copy of this photo, but I finally have it. Thank you, Todd. This picture was taken last year by Todd's oldest daughter, the daughter that aspires to be a photographer. From this photo I think she has some talent, I really hope she follows it up. It is a picture from her Aunt and Uncle's sun room looking out on the St. Lawrence River.

Todd and I, along with his girls went to visit his sister and her family (love them) last Christmas and it was awesome. I fell in love with their house, and not just because it is beautiful, it is, but because of the people and the way they make you feel - at home and welcome. The view in this picture is what I woke up to, with tea in hand and a book, out to the sun room, I head. It was heaven and a place and way of life I could get very comfortable with. Funny eh?

I lack the words to do this picture or the feelings it inspires justice. I just know when life gets like it will sometimes I escape to this place in my mind. It is a gift of immeasurable worth. Does it get any better than this?

It's A Wonderful Life

Wow! What a wonderful life I live. I sit here just baffled at the idea of where my life was not too long ago and where it is at this very moment.

There is no one particular thing that has happened or any one person responsible for my sense of peace, and peace is exactly what I feel. There are many contributing factors to my happiness. I have the most amazing friends in my life and I couldn't make it through one day without each and every one of you. I know I could survive, but I guess what I'm really trying to say is that it just wouldn't be the same without you. I share my day to day life with two amazing young ladies that bring me such happiness, although I struggle with both girls at times, I still am able to find happiness within my relationship with each of them. I don't even know where to begin in trying to explain the feelings of peace when speaking of the man in my life. Those that know me well, know of what I speak. Whether he gets it, one never really knows. He is too cute for words. I'm still struck by moments of 'Wow!'

Cute Boy and I went away together last weekend which was a total blast. I was a bit fearful that after the weekend ended I'd have a feeling of let down. That feeling of what do I have to look forward to now kind of thing. I did delay my return to reality a bit longer than I should have, but all things considered I didn't stay away too long. Being away for the weekend and having no pressure from anywhere, being 'just' a girlfriend, not a mother, not an employee, not a cook, not a cleaner, nothing more than just 'me' being a girlfriend... nothing could have been better. I couldn't put a price on a gift like that, not ever. The weekend away was just what this weary, sometimes wrung-at-both-ends woman needed!

My life is not without worry right now, and how I'm not going insane is beyond me. I'm trying very much right now to look at things from a positive perspective. I can't do anything to change the stresses in my life, so I'll deal with each issue as it arises and not panic. I knew the moment of stress with which I'm dealing would happen. It was always just a matter of when, never if. I know without a doubt I'm in a good place mentally or I'd not be able to handle this current stress with such calm. I think I'm finally growing up. Imagine that one for a good laugh.

I do have some great things to look forward to in the next little while. I'm hoping when I wake up in the morning I can find the gumption to go for a run. My first run since Thanksgiving. I've skirted the issue long enough. I'm tired of feeling overweight. I consistently wear a size 4 and I'm whining that I can't fit in my 2's and 1's.... get a grip. Run is what I want to do, so that is what I'm going to do again. I miss it more than I thought possible.

I'm going to be getting together with Mary and Krista this coming weekend. I always look forward to these getting together with these incredible women. I can never do justice to the fun we have, especially when trying to put it to words in my blog. I try yet fail miserably. The best of women, a barbecue, Corona and Cute Boy's Raspberry biscuits. Awwww, life is sweet!

This is what brings me full circle. Where I was, to where I am right now, stresses and all, I'm right where I want to be. I've said it a few times, I wouldn't change a single thing if it didn't put me right here right now. I would gladly take every mistake, every tear and every heartache if it is that that has blessed my life as I know it today!

Sweet Dreams