Friday, December 17, 2010

Contented Sigh

I made mention in my previous post about my life being at a place where I am content. I'm so much more than content. Aside from my worries about my daughter's pregnancy, I'm so incredibly happy.

My life hasn't always been what it is today. I was in a marriage that I thought was going to last forever. Who doesn't think that when they get married? After many years, some good, some great, and some just downright awful, the marriage ended. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I felt, as I'm sure many do, when something such as marriage ends, you'll never feel normal or happy again. It's a way of coping and healing.

What I thought was a good marriage turned out to be a mess. I look back now and see the dysfunction for what it was. It wasn't all bad, but there was so much of me I couldn't be. I was constantly striving to be what he wanted. What he wanted wasn't me and that much and so much more is evident by the cheating and the disrespect shown over the final years of our life together. That was tough. I'll never say otherwise, but I am certain of one thing. I would do it all over again if it put me where I am today.

Today, I share my life with the most wonderful man. I am more blessed than I sometimes think I deserve. The life that Cute Boy and I live is pretty charmed. I don't mean charmed in the lots of money, fine dining, exotic trips and all that glitz and glamour, but charmed in a way that each and every day I see my life as a blessing. My life with him, a blessing.

The life I live with him is one that shows me laughter, friendship and the most incredible support and understanding I could ever find. As with any relationship, he and I have had our ups and downs. From those early days when you're a huge grin knowing you're going to be spending time together while still in that honeymoon phase, to the points of moving in together and all the adjustments that entails. Wondering at that point, between the settling in to this new living arrangement and the fighting if we've made the right choice. Are we right for each other? Should we have moved in together? Have we made a mistake?

It has been a crazy year and not one I would want to relive, although I can see a different side to my relationship. You can add that to the rest of the lessons learned over the past couple months. I am so content and at peace with where I am and how I got here. I've said to Cute Boy in the past, 'I would take every tear and heartache all over again, if it were to put me here with you'. I meant it when I said it the first time and I think it holds true more and more as we face each hurdle together.

From a few short months ago, spiralling in to a depression, fearful of the future and struggling to get out to bed, to now being excited to see what life brings me each and every day, is quite a feeling. To share that excitement each day with Cute Boy is priceless.

***This post started out in my head completely different than how it hit the blog. I'm not certain I did justice to what I was really trying to say.

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