Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Figuring It Out As I Go

I am smart and a wonderful woman. Those were the words uttered by my doctor this morning.

I had an appointment today to discuss my emotional and mental struggles with all the things surrounding my daughter and her pregnancy. It was a very good appointment. I've learned a lot about myself, my strengths, weaknesses and coping skills. This situation is not something I would ever wish on another parent, but from all things come a learning lesson. Mine would be that I may crack and a may crumble, but I will not break. I am much more equipped to deal with things than I thought I was. I'm stronger than I've ever really given myself credit.

It is not without the help of others though that I can say that I am who I am. The list is long, the instances many when I was given support and strength from others. Not all that have helped me read my blog and for that, I am sad. I have done my best to thank them and to let them know how much their generosity, love and friendship have meant to me while I struggled.

A very important thing I learned is that this baby is coming. It's not as though I didn't know it, but I've worked towards accepting that fact that this little guy is coming. Regardless of his parent's life choices and how his little life began, he is coming. He is going to be loved, cherished and adored. These are things I know. No matter my feelings about this pregnancy leading up to his birth, I know myself well enough to know I'm going to fall in love with him as soon as I lay eyes on him. My fear for his future is now being replaced with thoughts of his little fingers, his tiny toes, his little face and those first wondrous moments and all the joy a little baby brings.

This journey isn't just mine. It will be my daughter's and that of my little grandson, but this right now is about me and how I'm coping. I've come a long way. I'm not to the point that I'm excited. I'm still scared. Scared to death really, but I'm starting to work my way around to being more happy than apprehensive. Is it wrong to feel happy about something that I was so torn up about only 4 months ago, if even that long? The battle in my head is a struggle.

A baby is on his way in the next couple months. That is huge! Holy cow!

My life is really coming around to a place that I am so content with and I will post more on that in the next couple days.

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