Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Merry-Go-Round Of My Life

My life is just a bit of a trip lately.

I've been plugging along and having a great time with life lately. The ride is about to get bumpy and not so much fun, I think.

The rollercoaster ride of my life is about to start with that person I am still married to. His life is about to change. It's not something I can openly discuss, but things in that regard are getting very touchy. I'm extremely apprehensive to downright scared. Those that know him and know him well, as in one of my daughters, feels the same way, scared for me. Cute Boy is not so concerned for the situation, but he has never witnessed my ex-husband's wrath when he is backed in to a corner. I'm truly freaking out. I know, from the ex-husband's point of view, this all my fault. Nothing that he has done, but all because of me and the fact that I'm an F.........B......!

I don't directly have anything to do with what has been happening to him, although he will see it differently and for that, I'm scared. I am thankful, more than you will ever know, that he lives 1.5 hours away from where I live and that I live with someone now. I have moments where I'm just thinking about things in regards to this situation and I break out in a sweat and shaky hands. How pathetic is that. Fear does that to you, I guess.

What is happening to him is of his own doing and payment for his lack of accountability to his responsibilities, namely our children. I worry about the affect this will have on my daughters and how his parents will see the situation. I know for certain my oldest daughter is already feeling the fallout of what is believed to be as her knowledge of this situation. I had no idea this thing that happened to him was going to happen, so there is no way she was going to know. It is hard to see my husband's wife, I love saying that because it is sooooo wrong, treat my daughter poorly. It is the new woman's immaturity level that is evident here. My daughter offers her help and friendship and the new woman shuts the door. Wake up woman, or rather, girl. You hooked up with a loser when you hooked up with this one. I didn't know it at the time when I was going through my separation, that this was the best thing that could ever happen to me.

There isn't much I can say because this is a legal situation and I don't know how many people read this blog. I don't want to say anything that could detrimentally impact any situation that is upcoming. I just know in the event something comes of this current situation I'm going to be a freaking basket case and I'm scared to death of how I'm going to be portrayed and how I'm going to deal with the pressure of the upcoming weeks.

If I've not completely confused the hell out of you with this extremely cryptic entry, I'm surprised. I just need to get this stuff out of my head and not wanting to go on and on about it to Cute Boy, I needed to dump here. Feel free to click back and not even bother with commenting. I understand either way. There really isn't much here to comment on, just a bunch of mumble jumble from my head to my fingers to this computer screen.

I do ask in closing, just think positive thoughts and if the time comes that I can say something more concrete, I will.


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