Wednesday, September 01, 2010

I Do and I Don't

I do want to do this and I don't want to do this.

I've been M.I.A. from the world in general for quite some time now. I've been on Faceboook and that is pretty much just a mind kill activity playing games.

My life has been a shit show for about 3 weeks and I'm about ready to lose my mind. I'm off work, doctor ordered stress leave, with a life that isn't getting any less stressful. I'm not sleeping and I'm eating like crap! I'm not sleeping without sleeping pills and I went to the pharmacy to get a refill and the pills I've been prescribed are on back order and have been for 2 months or more. I never took the sleeping pills often, until lately.

My doctor is on holidays and I don't have another doctor's appointment until next Monday, the Monday after the Canadian Labour day. Sorry, too lazy or tired to check a calender. I can just tell you it's too long from now. That is the sad harsh reality of my nights right now. Can you say addiction??? No really, it's not that bad. Okay, maybe it is that bad.

Some of you that read my blog have been around since before it was a blog, when it was a friendship started on a Cross Stitch Board and then it became THIS. Those of you that were around then, were around for the demise of my marriage and all that that entailed. This current life drama is worse than anything I could imagine.

I have a personal fear of certain things happening to either of my daughter's. I best explain them on a ladder scale. The top wrung being murdered, the second wrung raped and the third wrung, I'm living it. I guess the answer to the title, "I do and I don't'', is that I don't. I don't want to do this right now. I can't do this right now. I can say the words of what I'm dealing with, but as I sit here right now, I can not make myself type the words that I can say, and I've been living for weeks. I can do all that, but I can't type them here for me to have to see and relive. It's not going away and I'm not dealing any better now than I was when all this mess began.

On top of the issues with one daughter, my oldest daughter has now decided to embroil herself in this nightmare of her younger sister. She is moving out - her story = she is being kicked out. She is avoiding me and Cute Boy, specifically Cute Boy. Her story = I am lying and being immature and handling the situation incorrectly.

I'm done in a way I have never felt before in my life. The emotional gas tank has no more gas. It is running on empty, zilch, nada, finished! I think I've turned one corner in my thinking and I'm able to get back to some sort of normalcy and then BAM! Here comes another hit upside the head.

Sleep evades. The pills are gone. The tears come. The sadness sits. The questions arise. The hurts seem to fester. The doubt never ends. The fears are endless. The future is as uncertain as it ever was, but in a way so much more so than 3 weeks ago.

I am supposed to go back to work on the 7th or 8th, I'm not sure now, but I'm not 100% on that either. I don't trust myself not to blow up at a caller and say something that would endanger my position or future. I really wish it wasn't coming up to Labour Day and my doctor wasn't on holidays.

Oh well, that's the way of the world, my world right now. I don't know how much more I can take or if and when I will be able to write words that clarify the craziness right now. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Here's to hoping it's some sleep.

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