Friday, June 18, 2010

Balance Board

You know you're struggling with your weight when a loss of .6lb has you fist pumping like a lottery winner.

I felt like a lottery winner when I stepped off that scale this morning.

There was a time when the losses and stay the sames, weren't a bad thing, and it seemed to come easy. I say easy, but I don't mention the 6 days, 8-10 hours I spent in the gym each week. The careful watching of food I ate. The gym and lifestyle were great, but looking back now I see as off balance.

Today, my life has balance. It has some running. No weight training. I hate weight training at home and I hate weight training alone! My life has beer and healthy eating. My life has a man that is not pushing himself or me for something more than what we currently have in our life right now.

There was this moment that happened about 6 weeks ago. My oldest daughter was here when I was getting dressed, and I know not the best message to send to a 19 y.o., but in the end the lesson was taught to me.

Not a lot of clothes fit me right now. I refuse to go shopping to get bigger sizes. I just refuse. That feels to me that I'm giving in to be this weight and I don't want to do that. So, in that line of thought, refusing to shop, I will get back to my story regarding my daughter and the life lesson.

I was getting dressed and I had put on this particular pair of carpi's that I have owned for years. I owned them when I was with my ex-husband and they fit well when I bought them. I continued weight training and running on the treadmill and biking at the gym. The pants got to being unflattering and extremely saggy bummed. He told me time after time that they didn't compliment me and my hard work, that I should throw them out. I continually said I'd keep them for a day that I was just grubbing around the house. The pants never got thrown out, but the marriage ended and the husband is on his way to be coming an ex-husband.

Fast forward to when I was going to wear these pants the other day. I put them on because they are a go-to pair that fit when most everything else is too small. I put the pants on and did them up and then uncontrolled tears just silently rolled down my cheeks until I was sobbing. My daughter walks in and sees me and asks what is wrong and I tell her these pants didn't fit to the point that I should have gotten rid of them and now they are fitting like they should, so much so that I have to put them in to regular rotation! I was so sad.

I've raised a very wise and intuitive daughter. Much wiser than I realized until this particular conversation. Her response was: You and Dad lived your life together and at the gym. You both looked great, but at what cost? You were at they gym working out and getting healthier and Dad was at the gym working out so he could look good to go out and cheat on you. You don't want that and you know you don't. You come home to a man that loves you. He has never made a comment about your weight, he thinks you look great. You come home from work and sit with him on the couch. You talk. You laugh. You have a beer with him and watch the hockey game. You are happy. Which would you want? The life of being thinner than you are now at the gym all the time, trying to please Dad, or feel and look like you do, with a man, like Cute Boy that loves you for you!

Pretty smart girl, huh?

I was crying when I put the pants on and I was crying at that moment. To have such love and support, but most important validation that I did what I could when I could. It was a moment that really impacted me and still does. I am truly blessed with people that understand I struggle with where I was when I was heavier than I want, where I was in my head when I was smaller and how I am still struggling with how I feel as I've gained some of the weight back.

I am working towards the balance and for today, I think I have it!

I am happy with a loss and I am happy to know that eventually I will figure out what best works for me in getting to where I am comfortable and that do that I don't need to be in the gym 6 days a week, sometimes twice a day. I don't need steroids - never did them, but was pushed in that direction. I don't need work out pills. I need to drink some water. I need to ingest healthy foods. I need what I have right this very minute. People that support, love and listen.

I'm balancing really well right now!