Monday, March 29, 2010

Tough One And Mentally All Over

Today is a day that comes every year, as they all do. I guess that's a good thing because it means I'm still alive to enjoy them. Today, not so much joy.

It is today that marks the 21st anniversary of my mother's passing. I like to think I get better with dealing and usually I do, but some days I struggle with the memories, the shortness of time we had together. I have now lived more than half my life without my mother. It is a harsh realization that I have now out lived my mother by almost 3 years. I'm not complaining that I lived longer than 38, but it is amazing to think back and see that I have already missed out on so much life, love and joy if my life were to have taken the same path as my mother's.

I live each day knowing that I am who I am, good bad and otherwise by her example and by her young death. I live my life with the knowledge that life is short and that you can never predict when your time here on earth will end.

My mother's fate was sealed long before her death. Her health and illness a factor at a very young age. My mother and father, when they started dating and then took their relationship to a serious level, my father had to attend doctor's appointments and meetings to advise him of my mother's medical future. My father was informed that at one point my mother would be in a wheelchair. True to their word she was. It only got worse from there. Quadriplegic and blind compounded by many other illnesses, and her fate was sealed. It breaks my heart to think of her suffering and pain. It is with a clear conscience that I can say, when she died I felt an incredible amount of relief. No person should ever have to be trapped in that sort of hell, no matter the reason. It is not without heartache and sadness that I still miss my mother, but to love another person, as I did her, I was at peace to say my final goodbyes.

I live my life in a way that I hope would have made her proud. I say that every year I speak of her on the anniversary of her death. My relationship with my mother while she was alive was not the best and I never lose sight of the fact that our relationship was tumultuous at times. She was stubborn and pigheaded and I was a 15 year old teenager at the time of her admittance to hospital. Imagine what fun that was in combination. Not so much fun at all.

A life cut short is a sad thing, but I can say with certainty, my mother lived her life with all she had. In her memory I try to do the same.

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