Sunday, December 03, 2006

Wonderfully Welcome

I just had the most wonderful afternoon. The only thing missing was my family! What does that really say when you get right down to it?

I spent last night with Cute Boy and his girls. We went to dinner to celebrate Cute Boy's birthday. Today we went to his sister's house for lunch. We didn't get to stay for very long, but the time there was incredible. I'm still really quiet, but I think having met me one time prior to this, they somewhat expected it. I'm really very shy until I get to know people and have never really done well in large crowds of people. I'm so impressed by the warmth shown by Cute Boy's family. We walk in and his sisters are right there giving hugs, me too!!!! Very much an ease setting thing for me.

I've so many estrangements in my life and they break my heart. As I'm leaving the house today, I'm driving with tears rolling down my face. It is so sad to see the destruction of my own family. I'm getting to a point that I'm becoming consumed with thoughts to make this right and just don't know how, not to mention the fact I'm a slight bit cowardly in making the first move. So much time as gone by and hurts have been done that I'm not sure how much there is left to fight for anymore.

All things being said, I did go to my Grandmother's house today ~ step 1. She wasn't home, but I'll keep trying. I left a message and I'll now wait and see what comes of it. My only reservation is that right now with the holidays, I want a reunion with my family because it is what is right not just because the holidays are approaching. Something for the wrong reasons is just wrong no matter how you look at it.

Life in all it's wonder is a gift like no other, but at times it can be so difficult. How is it that things can get so blown out proportion? I think that is why I will do most anything to avoid confrontation. My history dictates when I stand up for myself people walk away. Is it that I'm so much a disposable in their life? Do they miss me or am I just someone 'they use to know'?

A day of questions today is, when all things in my life seem so much clearer than ever before. I feel for the first time in a long time I know where I'm headed, what I want and with whom. I shall again remind myself this life thing is a one-day-at-a-time wonder. I will live each day to be happy, even through the struggles, strive to be the best I can be and settle for nothing less than the best for myself. I think in the end if you've lived a life you can be proud of, you've treated people with the respect they deserve and have done the best you can do for yourself and others in the situation you find yourself at any given time, you've done well. I like to think, thus far, in my life I've done well!

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