Fight of Flight

Why is it that sometimes life's just like that? I'm soooo damn tired it's not even funny. I don't think that I'm so much physically tired, but emotionally exhausted. Is it that I'm too much of a pushover and people 'abuse' that or just expect that I will continue to be pushed and prodded. One minute I'm travelling along in my happy old way and BAM here it comes again!

I sometimes feel as though I'm surrounded by negativity and then I in turn become negative. How to stop the cycle? I'm living one life that is pretty much divided into 15 different sections. Let me list them and see if you feel as dizzy as I do just thinking about it. I have on my plate on any given day the following things to contend with:

• The craziness of my job and the shifts involved
• Lillian and trying to balance my time with her (her thinking she's a burden)
• Worrying about Alyssa doing her thing on her own (way too young)
• Finding time for the gym
• The everyday running of my house and all that it involves
• Trying to find time for Todd....
• Worrying about my finances and the mess I've made of them
• The added burden I've placed upon myself with my finances and thinking I need to get another part time job
• Dealing with ex-husband and the havoc he is dishing up right now
• Balancing the old life with the new and the emotional turmoil that always presents

For the most part I very much love life. This feeling I have right now is one I deal with from time to time, but not no matter how many times I've felt this way, it gets no easier. It's as though when life is good, it's really good and when it's not....look out.

I wonder what is more difficult, living in a verbally abusive relationship; one that was predominately run by emotional blackmail and heartache in the last years? Or, what I do now, running from place to place in a state of never being able to do enough for others. I love helping out, I love being able to be depended upon to help out, but sometimes I just want the same in return. I don't ask for much, but when I do it would be the most amazing feeling in the world for an instantaneous 'yes'. As I said, I don't ask for much.

On another front, but one from the list above. I applied for 2 part time jobs yesterday. One is with a temporary agency. I don't expect to hear back from it, but you never know. Right? The second job I applied for, which I'm hopeful about is at a local pharmacy here in town. It is only 12 hours per week, which would be a good amount of hours to bring in a little extra money and not so much to completely undo me physically and emotionally. My plan is to get this part time job and use half of the money to pay down my debt (on top of my regular payments) and the other half will go into a savings account for new boobs. I know! I know! Frivolous dreams of a girl that should be thinking of other things. :)

I will conclude this whining session. I don't really like the idea of two posts back to back that are rather heavy and filled with negativity, but I more than needed to get these things out of my head. You may now return to your regularly scheduled blog reading.

Love ya's bunches and bunches.

ETA: I just did a very smart thing. I'm not always doing smart things, but this one is good. I know my ex-husband is gearing up to take me to Family Court, so in the event I have to pay him back any money I've taken a lump sum of $1000 and put it into a GIC. It doesn't pay a lot of interest, but the additional $30.00 per month might just be enough to help out. I know one thing, it's better than the money sitting in my savings account where I can get to it easier than in the GIC. In the event I have to pay him back (GRRRRR) a lump sum I'll be able access this money within 24 hours. Doing that withdrawl is going to be uber painful!

Funny how a little thing like this can change one's outlook. I'm still very much in a contemplative 'why bother' state of mind, but I do feel somewhat better than I did when I started this post. Push on or give up? Push on is my choice.

What Is A Workout?

A workout is 25% perspiration and 75% determination. Stated another way, it is one part physical exertion and three parts self-discipline. Doing it is easy once you get started.

A workout makes you better today than you were yesterday. It strengths the body, relaxes the mind, and toughens the spirit. When you work out regularly, your problems diminish and your confidence grows.

A workout is a personal triumph over laziness and procrastinations. It is the badge of a winner the mark of an organized person who has taken charge of his, or her destiny.

A workout is a wise use of time and an investment in excellence. It is a way of preparing for life's challenges and proving to yourself that you have what it takes to do what is necessary.

A workout is a key that helps unlock the door to opportunity and success. Hidden within each of us is an extraordinary force. Physical and mental fitness are the triggfer that can release it.

A workout is a form of rebirth. When you finish a good workout, you don't simply feel better, you feel better about yourself.

I went to the gym this morning at the gross ugly hour of 5:30. I'm sorry there is no other way for me to describe that hour! I slept well last night, if you can call sleeping well and waking every hour sleeping. I woke up energized and full of life. Very much in a bad mood but eager to hit the gym, I was.

Krista and I hit the mats to work our abs and then the weights. I did a bit of cardio (4KM). I was in a very bad mood as I've already stated and whether or not I get in to why, I'm still undecided. I was hoping the work out would help ease the mood and it did in some small way. That was until I headed to work, but more of that later.

I talked with Krista about setting up a weight training schedule and in her true enthusiastic way, was on board without a moments hesitation! I have a date with her every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 5:30am. I'm really looking forward to this, as I know she is.

The timing of finding this document "What Is A Workout?" was perfect. This is going to be a new day for me. I want to do things a bit differently than I've been doing lately, and one of those things is making a committed effort to better myself mentally, emotionally and physically.

Taking Back My Brave

In true typical fashion I'm back with song lyrics that can say so much better what I feel than anything else. I'm scared to death of the loss I feel as I fight to maintain my strength and hold on, without snuffing out what is important to me.

The highlighted lyrics are what screamed out and caught my attention. I'm simple girl really, with simple desires and needs. I ask not for much, but maybe too much. Who knows.

Taking Back My Brave ~ Carolyn Dawn Johnson
I am from a tiny town
Where I learned how to tough it out
Where I kicked the dirt and my dreams around
To conquer the whole world
My uncle slipped me fifty bucks
Some rolled there eyes and wished me luck
Yeah I spent the first night in the cab of my truck
And I am still that girl

I like a challenge, I like to fly
I'm not always perfect, I'm not always right
When I go to weddings
It always makes me cry
My heart is fragile, and I can be hurt
I can crumble inside at the drop of a word
But I can jump off a limb
Into a river of change
I'm taking back my brave

I kinda lost it for awhile
Had to force myself to smile
I quit going that extra mile
Abandoned my belief
And I spent hours on the phone
Crawling back to my comfort zone

Then I woke up one day and said I'm not running home
It's just not like me cause…

I like a challenge, I like to fly
I'm not always perfect, I'm not always right
Newborn babies always make me cry
My heart is fragile, and I can be hurt
I can crumble inside at the drop of a word
But I can jump off a limb
Into a river of change
I'm taking back my brave

I'm my momma's only girl
The child in the middle
I've been pushing the limits
Since I was little…..yeah

I've been told I think too much and that is probably true. How do I stop it? I wish I could. I think I create more problems in my head than actually exist. I've lived in such a state of always having to be 'on' that I seem to have developed a constant state of worry.

I've had so much loss in my life (death and estrangements) I don't expect people to stick around. I expect them to walk away when the going gets tough and I see that is exactly the way it works for some. It's what I know it's what I've come to expect! I will do what I can to fight the constant questioning, live for today, embrace the time I have with those I love and if tomorrow never comes know in my heart, I loved to the best of my ability and gave nothing more than all I had to give.

With that, I'm Taking Back My Brave! I may soar, I may stumble, I may outright fall, but I will do what I can to make the most of every day! On the difficult days, of that I'm sure there will be, I will come back to this entry and try and pull the strength from it!

A Year In The Life

This day is a day I've been waiting for now for some time. This day marks what was a very sad day at the time I was living it, but now looking back, a day that was inevitably going to happen. I just was never in a place that I would have thought it would be a good thing, or something I was strong enough to endure. Today is the 1 year anniversary of the final day in my marriage. It is this day, one year ago my husband and I decided to call it quits. I couldn't be happier today and that is somewhat of a gift in itself, if anything is. I will not have this entry be something of sadness, because it is anything but sadness I feel today. It isn't that I'm without emotion of now raising my children in a broken home, but with all my heart I think it is a happier home for them with only one parent that is happy, rather than two that are just going through the motions.

I dedicate this post today to the things I've learned in the last year. There are many, they are simple, they are anything but, and only a few things would I change. I will live the next year of my life with the same openness to change and life being what life is, as I did this last year. I would wake up some days in the last year and not know what was next to challenge me and with that same spirit I look forward to this coming year and everything I've yet to do, be and experience.

Things I've Learned In The Last Year

• I'm stronger than I ever believed
• I'm not as strong as I wish to be
• My daughters are amazing and have taught me more about myself than most anyone
• I dislike fighting
• I've been blessed with the most amazing friends a person could ever have
• I must have music in my life most every minute of every day
• Out of heartache good can come, really heartfelt good
• I like myself much better than I have in the past
• I have more friends that I would have known only one year ago
• Each day is a gift. Don't waste it.
• Corona is one heck of a drink!
• Corona tastes best with friends ~ Mary and Krista can attest to that!
• Never give up. Tomorrow could be the day that changes your life
• Laughter heals your heart better than anything else
• Coworkers you think are just that, turn out to be more friends than ever imagined
• Being a single parent is exhausting
• A broken heart will heal
• Music can and does heal most anything
• I'm softer and think more which in turn makes me quieter ~ imagine!
• I'm not afraid to feel for another and do so deeply
• I can not and will not judge the now, by the sins of yesterday
• I fight becoming bitter, annoyed at actions, but not bitter
• I'm okay being alone, but right now I don't have to be
• Want and need are worlds apart
• Things I used to think important, I don't now
• The grass always seems to need cutting
• I will always struggle to maintain the balance between what I want and what is expected of me
• I used to take people for granted and now work to change this
• I hate asking for help which in turn shows weakness not strength
• I'm thankful for everything that has put me right here right now

Hats off to the following people that have made a special difference in my surviving the last year. Not surviving in a desperate sense, but in helping me figure out myself and where I was heading when I was so overwhelmed with it all.

In no way does the order mean anything other than the way the thoughts fell out of my head.

Pam I don't know where to begin in thanking you for all you've done for me. You've done it all without expecting anything in return. You were the first one I called and you dropped it all to be there for me.... I mean dropped it all! You left your friend and family in the mall parking lot for me! I thank you, and now looking back I crack up at what I asked of you and what you gave that day. You always were and still are only a phone call away.

You have now taken this 'leave us alone' approach to the whole sordid mess of this divorce. That 'we/us', when I first read it, brought me to tears. It was that statement when I knew you were in this for the long haul. You would remember this 'anniversary' date when I would forget it.... you're too much and I'm so thankful to have you in my life. 'We' are so close to the end, but still so much to be done yet.... keep that phone line open for the call forwarding when the pressure increases. I might just take you up on that offer. Now, 'GitRDone'

Mary Sweetie, how I love you! You're one of the most amazing women I've the pleasure of calling friend. I couldn't love you more if I tried. You've been sooo good to me and good for me. You've given me some of the best advice and showed me by example what it is to be a strong independent woman. If I can come out of this learning one thing it is I'm blessed for you in my life. Taking me back to this day last year, "OMG, I'm not wearing any socks".... what the hell? Love ya, hon!

Velda Where do I begin? The support and friendship you've given are priceless gifts, of that I'm sure. The wonder of our friendship is in the comfort we have with each other. Sitting quiet, finishing each others sentences, never needing to finish them, the laughter, the tears are just a few things that come to mind when I think of you!

I think back to a few things you've done for me over the last year and there are many. I can still burst out laughing at the image of me on your couch in my sad little state curled up in your purple blanket I love so much, with you strutting your stuff in your purple presents. Too funny, you and your purple fashion show. That scarf and flip flops, still hilarious. The afternoon with Pam and the whole 'Moanona' (don't even know how to spell it) still gets me laughing uncontrollably. Now who's the smitten kitten?

Simple words will never come close to imply what I feel for you and what you represent to me. I've said it before and I'll say it again I'm so blessed to have you in my life. I'm the one that really comes out on the winning end of this friendship! Love ya, sweetie.

Krista, Wee Krista Starting at the beginning is probably best! We started this friendship of ours prior to the end of my marriage. I'm so thankful for that small start. If not for those few outings I'd have missed out meeting one of the most amazing and inspiring women. How different, and not in a good way, would my life be without you in it. I'm so glad you were like a little kid in kindergarten and sent that e-mail.... what would I do without you?

Without you I'd not have had such a fun experience of my 'first' Corona! I thank you for that. Even me spilling it all over the table with my little thumb! The acohol abuse, imagine. I couldn't count nor would I want to know how many I've drank since then! My UFC Buddy and the alcohol abuse that first UFC at my place, scraping the spilled liquor in the blender... gotta love it. Painting with you is too fun... get it done and get the drinks a flowing. You marathoning home from Boston Pizza is too funny and still brings on the giggles.... Chariots of Fire inspired was you! You'd think all we did together is drink, but I know differently!

As we age it is more difficult to make friends, but with you and I its as though we've been friends forever. I hope forever is exactly where this friendship is headed. I look forward to that 40th of yours since I had to miss the 30th. Just think it will be a 10+ year friendship at that point! Tammy Turtle loves Wee Krista.

Debbie How you've grown to mean so much to me in the last year. You've always been here for me in your own sweet way. It took this past year for me to see for what it really is ~ a gift. It just hit me one day I've been friends with you now, longer than I've been married. For whatever reason, that just amazes me. You've been through the home pregnancy test for Princess, the first split, the second split and now this final split. If was a big moment in my life, it was usually with you I shared the day. Your generosity the last year is second to none and I am the one the comes out the winner in this friendship.

The laughter I've shared with you is something I cherish above most anything else. When the office door gets shut, look out because we're up to no good. I know without fail I can tell you absolutely anything, show you anything (I'll try to keep my pants on), ask you anything and depend on you for most things as long as it doesn't interrupt your sleep. Just kidding! I love you, but you knew that already!

My Cross Stitch Friends People will look at internet friends as not 'real friends', I beg to differ. You woman, and you know who you are, are some of the best friends a person could have. Who would have thought a simple craft and a place to share the love of that craft would bring such love and friendship to my life. To think I've never met so many, and will probably never meet you, I feel like you know me better than some I share my 'real' life with.

There have been phone calls, e-cards, e-mails, cyberhugs and overall support for all I've done and yet to do. You offer a safe place for me to share the trials and successes of my life. I can not thank you enough for never giving up on me and encouraging me to put needle to thread again after such painful comments which threw me emotionally off balance for sooo long.

I look forward to the many years of friendship yet to be with each of you. I love you like you'll never know and I'm blessed to share in the parts of your life you give each day.

Leigh ~ Girl, how I love you! I will never be able to do justice to you and what you bring to my life. You came into my life as a family member and you've become so much more than that. You are a friend and someone I'm more than blessed to have in my life. This relationship we share could have gone either way with the end of my marriage, but I believe it is this love of each other that has enabled us to continue this friendship and let it grow and not suffer from outside influences.

In the earliest days of my marriage demise, it was Mike and you that were holding the net when I was freefalling! I thank you for that and so much more than simple words could show, I love you like no other. It is fate that brought you to my life and your wonderful spirit that has kept you there. I love you, sweetie!

Cute Boy I've mentioned you many times throughout this blog without using your name, but today I feel I have to give you your due in the process of the tipping of my hat to those who have been instrumental in my growth.

We have known each other and been friends for years which makes this new element to our relationship so much easier. I have a trust in you that makes these new, exciting steps all the more exciting. I've said it many times, wherever we travel in this journey together, I'm thankful for everything that lead me to you. I would take every hurt, tear and mistake ten times over, if at the end of the day it is with you I'm sharing my life. You represent to me a faith in another I thought I'd given up on, but one look from you I'm thankful for the risk.

You bring out the best in me. I'm in such a wonderful place right now and it is with that thought, I thank you. You're so good to me and even better for me. You challenge me, you inspire me to be a better person than I thought I could be, you show me how it is to not give up and you do this with a softness I appreciate more than I think you're aware. The simplicity of what I feel for you, is that I absolutely adore you and with that there is so much more. Every day I learn more about you and even more about myself. Wherever we go, whatever we do, as long as I'm sharing these things with you, right here, right now I'm right where I want to be! I look forward to what tomorrow brings! May you never question the depth of emotion or commitment I feel for you.