Friday, April 23, 2010

It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere

It's 5 am , not what Jimmy Buffet meant, I don't think.

It's been one of those weeks and not a good one.

I'm currently on the couch after being woke up by snoring at 4am. Off to the couch I go and now I can't sleep. Like I said it's been one of those weeks. I can not get my mind to shut off. I just want to cry and I can't even do that! I need sleep because I work today 2-10p and then 10:30-6:30 at the part time job. Doing that can be hard enough in optimum conditions, but with little to no sleep going in, not fun.

Cute Boy and I are in a place, or rather I'm in a place. He's probably aware that things aren't great, but is oblivious to it, doesn't care enough to delve into the reason why or is just of the mind that this too shall pass. It will pass, but what scar tissue will be left in it's wake?

There are times that I am blown away by how amazing he is and there are times when I look at him with eyes that don't recognize him at all. I just can't make sense of it and that is part of what is weighing so heavy in my head and heart right now.

I have an event that I'm invited to attend. It's going to be an odd event and something I have to work through in my own head as to whether I'm attending or not. First words out of his mouth without even knowing if I was going or not were, "I'm working!" Gee thanks for the moral support. I have a certain someone that I love to bits, that I need to talk to about this particular event, before making my final decision, and once that has been done I'll make up my mind. If I do attend, I will more than likely be taking my daughter with me. Sad! I guess every relationship has a giver and a taker. No balance for me.

There was a situation this week in regards to decorating in and around the house. The comment and delivery of his message was so demeaning and crushing that I've been walking around this house in a bit of a fog. We bought this house together. It is beautiful and I don't have the freedom to decorate it. I feel as though I'm treated like a tenant (not always, but more times than not), that I have to get approval. There is no decision made on my own. I feel like a child. Not a good feeling when I'm almost 41 years old and I'm seeking approval for the simplest of things. The lump in my throat is the most painful now. I'm fighting tears, as I have been all week. I think I'm afraid to let them fall because once they begin how I get them to stop? I hate feeling this way! I know! I know! Only I can change this situation.

I was talking to my best friend Pam this week and I couldn't explain it any better than by telling her how jealous I am of her. She lives alone, and at times that is really hard and lonely for her, but I'm jealous of her ability to decorate how she wants. Her and I have pretty much the same decorating style, so when I go there I feel so at home. I look around at her space and it's gorgeous and warm. I come home and it doesn't feel like home. It feels like a house. It hurts. I don't like being jealous of others.

So, I sit here when I should be sleeping and my head just wont stop. I know I will hear from some of you and your advice will be to talk to him. Tell him how I feel. I've done that and it's the same reaction and response. Reaction: annoyance and anger. Raised voice and tone. Response: "Do what you want!" The typical response from me is shutting down and harbouring my hurts. It's a self protection mechanism. As much as I know it's not the proper way to deal with the situation, I just don't have the fight in me anymore.

So, 2 hours of a night wasted when I should be sleeping. Oh, I can hardly wait for this day to be over!

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