Saturday, January 30, 2010

Band-Aid Fixes and Princess Wishes

I had been doing so well and now I'm just sitting here a mental and emotional mess. Some of you may be aware of some of my situations with regards to my personal life and some not so much. I'm the mother to two incredible girls, young woman really. One is 19 in just over a week and the other is 16.

Things with the girls hasn't always been easy, never more so than when their father and I split up. I don't always blame him for the wrongs that have faced us, but he has a hand in them no matter what I want to believe or say. My oldest daughter was prompted to not respect me (by him) and it worked. Our relationship took a nasty turn and I kicked her out of the house at the age of 16. I couldn't take the attitude and disrespect any longer. During that time, it was as though every time she opened her mouth it was his ignorance coming out of her mouth. I lived with the demeaning disrespectful talk when I wasn't towing the line long enough, that to hear it from the mouth of my child was more than I could bear. It has been an issue for me ever since, the kicking her out. I turned my back on my daughter in a way I despise. Our relationship has found it's way back to a place that is good -- really good. My oldest daughter still struggles through life, but is working towards a better life. I worry though. I guess I will always worry. It's what mothers (parents) do.

My youngest daughter has moved out of the house Cute Boy and I share. Cute Boy and Princess (youngest daughter) never connected. I take responsibility for some of it, but not all of it. They are just so different and I'm stuck in the middle. Princess moved out the end of October. Since then she has been struggling with staying different places and feeling as though she is an imposition to those that she is, or was staying with.

Just this last week, she got her own bachelorette apartment. I know in the beginning she was excited, but now the shine has worn off and already the loneliness has set it. I've had a few text messages from her and it is evident that she is sad and lonely. I hate it so much that she feels that she can't live here with me and Cute Boy. Not really me, but with him; that she feels she's not comfortable. It breaks my heart to hear the drop in her voice, even the tone of her texts are sad. I don't talk to her about moving home, nor will I. I lived through that with Queenie (oldest daughter) and I was broken hearted every time she said no. Princess always has a home with us, but she chooses this path and I, as her mother, as much as I don't like it, can't do much to change it. So, nothing is what I do. Feels great - read very sarcastically!

I sit back and I watch and do what I can to help when I'm able. It is never enough. I feel like a failure in not being a better parent. I'm not looking for sympathy or platitudes, please understand that. This is just so difficult to think of my daughters out there in the world on their own, before they are ready. It is like they are playing dress up and sometimes, like now, I just want to scream and cry and shut out the hurt that is rolling around in my head and heart.

I guess the distraction of training for a half marathon and trying to get back to the things I like to do to pass my time, is only going to stop the thoughts and hurt for a short time. It's like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. It will not fix the problem. That much is becoming glaringly evident.

Dragging my ass to bed to put what was an otherwise good day, behind me. I hope I wake up with a better outlook than the one I'm saying good night with, because already, this Debbie-downer attitude is pissing me off! I wish I could snap my fingers and my girls would be grown and I would know that things turned out alright for them and all this stuff they are dealing with now didn't do detrimental damage to them. Oh, to live the life of a fairy tale princess.

Until next time....

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