It's The Small Things

My entry of today still sticks. I'm reeling. By all outward appearances you'd never know anything was bothering me. Inside, I'm a mess, although I can not, will not, be defined by the things that happen around me and things I can not control.

I realized today that I'm surrounded by such sweet goodness and I am truly blessed. I am blessed with the love of a man I absolutely adore and who, at times I don't give the credit he deserves. The way I deal with my hurts, is to shut down. Normally I'm just left to the quiet roar of my thoughts. Today was different. Today showed me sweet understanding, compassion and support.

I am strong. I have no choice. My life hasn't always been an easy one, so I've been forced to grow up faster than I would want for my own children, but I'm thankful for my past, for my life experiences. It is what makes me who I am today. What I learned today is I don't have to be strong alone. I have someone that will be here for me when I am in real need. I am still strong and I could get through whatever life throws at me and leaning on another person doesn't make me weak. It makes me honest. It makes me vulnerable. That is a scary thing, although I know I'm in a safe place. A place that is good for me.

In the face of all my deepest fears, I want to be able to deal with how scared I am and still find the wonder in the small things. Things that would normally be overlooked as insignificant should be noticed. Fears need to be faced. Joys need to be appreciated and acknowledged.

My heart may be battered and bruised, but I am not broken. This too shall pass and I shall see the wonder through the struggle.

Thank you, Cute Boy. You are amazing. You are incredible. You are my sweet wonderful love. You bless my life in a way I never expected. Life isn't always easy, but you (we) are worth every challenge and struggle. I am so thankful for you in my life. In your hands is my heart.

Love with a Capital L - 140 hours

Love is really moving along in all ways lately. You can't believe how happy I am to know my instincts were right about this one. This piece has come to mean so much to me for so many reasons.

You stitchers out there, or some of you anyway, may understand the dreaded feeling of those last few sessions with a piece. Questioning whether it will ever get finished, until you're really close and then it's full steam ahead. In light of recent happenings in my life, I now have a renewed desire to get this piece finished and it will be a new found appreciation for my life that I do.

Stitching is a time consuming, and for the most part, a very relaxing and therapeutic past time. Thus far in my life there has yet to be a piece that represents as much of that to me, than this one. It stands alone in its significance of my life and personal growth. This is now a piece I will look back on and truly feel blessed to have stitched at this particular time? Is that what makes a piece an heirloom?

Happy stitching days to all!

Oh Lukcy Me

It has been quite some time since I've done a post about me. I'm usually going on about my stitching, my weight or a book I've read. There are other things in my life, if you can believe it. Things that make me so incredibly happy.

I find I'm very much more in tune with my feelings and thoughts over the last couple years. I no longer live on auto remote, but more aware of what goes on around me. I've yet to decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Regardless, I'm happy so that is a major improvement and something that I cherish deeply.

My life is still full and busy. I don't know where to find the time to get things accomplished, as well as meeting all the demands and needs of those around me. I struggle daily to find balance between my personal needs to those of what is required of me at home. I'm not home near as much as I should be, but that is slowly changing and I'm home a little more frequently. My time with Todd isn't as much in quantity as it once was, but things are still good. Now that being said, I'm not sure when I'm going to lay eyes on him again, probably somewhere close to a week. It is painful, but such as things are right now!

The juggle of time and schedules that I do to spend time with T is worth it in the end. I'm still very much in awe of how happy I am with him, not to say things are perfect. There will always be an issue of some sort in any relationship. There is this sense of freedom, peace and strength I get from this relationship. I'm not perfect, nor do I expect perfection from him, but this is as close to heavenly as I've ever been, as far as a relationship goes. Being in a long term relationship and to see it end is painful and not something I would wish on anyone, but the pay off for me personally has been huge. I couldn't be happier and it stems from some major personal growth on my part and being able to share in the simple day to day life of him. I find one of my biggest thrills is to see a smile on his face. How is it a smile on his face can bring a quickening of my heart (no lies or exaggeration there)? I'm still in awe of the simplicity and depth of how I feel for him and how I feel when I'm with him. There are times that leaving and coming home (a place I truly love to be) is painful and more difficult than I can understand.

Lily has gotten her first job this past week. That is going to make me crazy busy and really cut into 'me' (translation - Todd) time, but I know that is the gift and burden of a single parent. The alternative is not near as pretty and I'll take being a single parent taxi cab to the alternative any day. I can't believe how much Lily has grown lately. To think my baby girl has her first job is 'WOW' to me! I hope she enjoys her job and learns the true value of a dollar.

Anyway, nothing much else going on in my life at the moment. Just some special feelings for a special someone. I walk around with a sweet smile and a gentleness in my heart that I thought was long exhausted and gone. Oh, lucky me it's not!

Words of Wisdom

I am a lover of words. The following verse was shown to me today by a friend. The simplicity of speaks volumes. To live in the moment of these words will be a gift for which I will strive to achieve for myself.

Live

long.

Touch

often.

Hug

frequently.

Smile

much.

Laugh

daily.

Kiss

repeatedly.

Trust

eternally.

Love

infinitely.

and

be

happy

forever.

The Dog Days of Summer

I'm going to start this entry and just let it fly, not sensor my thoughts but to let it just come from the heart!

I had the most wonderful weekend. I've had many over the last year, but this one was just too awesome.

Cute Boy worked days and I was on evenings on Saturday and off Sunday. I spent Saturday shopping with Cute Boy's daughters. It always seems I follow up with "it would have only been better if Lily were with us". This time is no different! Princess didn't come with us which is too bad. It was a total girl day and one she would have really enjoyed. The girls told me they don't get to shop very often, which in my way of life, believe that is a crime. I have never heard 'Tammy! Tammy! Look at this!, What do you think about this?, Would this work? Tammy! Tammy!" so many times in my life! It was hilarious. I watched Cute Boy's oldest daughter stretch a dollar like nothing else. I was and still am very proud of her. Cute Boy and I parent as differently as any two human beings could, so this shopping trip was just that - a trip. The girls would show me a skirt not much bigger than a tissue and I would just look they knew - Dad will kill one of us, back went the skirt to the rack.

The girls and I picked up Queenie and she hung out with us for a bit. We all headed back to Cute Boy's for a swim after working up a sweat. Being a fashionista is hard work, ya know. I got a small jump on back to school shopping: adorable skirt for Princess and a pair of crazy comfortable looking pants for Queenie. Oh the back to school shopping fun begins.

Sunday was a day of dreams for me. Cute Boy, myself and the three girls were invited to a family barbecue at Cute Boy's sister's home. I love being around his family. They are some of the most incredible people I've ever the honour of meeting. You would never know in a million years that they haven't known me as long as that. They love each other and you can see it in most everything they do with and for each other. The way they treat me is awesome, but the best part for me, is the way they are with Princess. Watching her open up slowly, but open up just the same, around them over time is just the greatest. Princess gravitates to Cute Boy's one neice. I see a lot of Cute Boy's neice in the person I think Princess will grow to become.

I had the absolute best day and know it is days like this recent one that show me just how blessed I am. You can not ask for more than being in a place that brings you joy and peace. That is exactly the kind of day I just lived. I'm still feeling the after glow.

In closing I steal from another blogger, Susan:

Thank for sharing a perfect summer day with me.

Lovin' Life

I've been remiss with posting anything of depth lately. My life is in such a great place right now and I struggle with posting. When life is difficult and filled with strife, getting the words out of my head is so much easier than posting a 'feel good' entry. Why is that? Is it truly the misery loves company syndrome? I'm putting forth an effort to change the way I do things around here!

I woke up this morning and felt amazing, so amazing in fact I had to share it with someone. Does it have anything to do with spending the day with Cute Boy and his daughters all day Saturday. It was an awesome day, one that could have only been better if Princess had been with us. She had already made plans with a friend by the time I tried to get her to share her day/evening with us. She seems to be coming around in realizing 'this' is life now! I'm very proud of her!

That I can find such happiness and peace in my life is something of which I'm surprised. I very much live two lives. One life at home with Princess and one away from home and with Cute Boy. I seem to spend more time at his house than I do my own at times, but for the most part I do what I can to keep the balance up. I fail some days and others I'm a queen of all things!

There are many things in my life that are not what I would have envisioned for myself or my girls. I have a daughter no longer living at home. I worry about her more than I show. I know she's not making decisions that are going to be good for her in the long run, but I'm trying to stand back and let things happen as they will. My motto for this one is: "Lesson learned nothing lost". There are financial stresses upon financial stresses. A job I love, but hours I hate, another 2 people to be hired in my department (more financial stress) and I'm still finding a reason to be so excited about life and what it has to offer. The biggest change I see in myself, and how I know I've changed and matured over that last few months is that these challenges are not the end of the world. Without the struggle, the sweetest moments wouldn't feel so sweet if not for the hard work put forth to achieve them.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I look forward to the day. I would much prefer the ease rather than the fight, but no matter what, I know this is my place in life. A good place it is too. This is where I want to be and would not change one single thing if it meant this is not the here and now of my days!

In closing, I want you all to know: "I have a new toothbrush!" WOOT WOOT!!!! Can I get some hands in the air with a little WOOT WOOT!!!

Chai Tea Latte Grande and sooo much more

As what I see becoming a very expensive habit and one that needs to be curtailed quickly, is an addiction to Starbucks Chai Tea Latte. Not only is this making a dent in my pocketbook, but also a lump on my rear end. It's not an all bad thing, this Starbucks addiction, I'm getting in some good reading too. Starbucks has The Way I See It messages on their beveridge cups. Today's cup, message #232, is awesome and more than true for so many people, myself included.

You simply can't make someone love you if they don't. You must choose someone who already loves you. If you choose someone who does not love you this is the sort of love you must want. -- Isreal Horovitz Playwright/Screenwriter, quote from his new play, The Secret of Mme. Bonnard's Bath.