Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Expect Nothing Less Than The Worst

On top of everything else I've got going on in my life, I'm about to face another life changing event.

I'm at the end of my rope - literally done.

I can no longer take another minute of this hell that is my life. Those around me are just more than I can deal with at the moment.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of being dragged in the mud. I"m not a bad person. I make mistakes. I'm not perfect. I just want the decency and respect to live my life without the pressure and demands, of do what I want/say and all will be good.

Read what you will in this, all that read this blog, commenters and lurkers alike (you know who you are). I'm tired and going through hell, so just keep heaping it on. I can take it. Well, you know what? I can't take anymore! I'm done. Threaten, hurt and walk away all you like. I can't tell you anymore - I'm not bowing to demands anymore. Think what you will of me. This is my life and I'm allowed to live it, mistakes, feelings and shortcomings. They are mine. Love and support me if you will and if you don't I will not break.

All I want is to be happy. Is that too much to ask? Happy in the way that is mine, not what conforms to your life needs, but my own. Don't tell me how I feel or how I should be acting. I'm doing the best I can and if my best isn't good enough - I'm sorry.

Being an adult and living with the mistakes you've made is a bitch. I'm tired of being held to a level of nothing is good enough, short of doing what is wanted by others. My own happiness, as much as those few think my happiness is fake. It is real! Read what you will in the little day to day dealings and your issues with my life. I am happy! I'm not saying this in a way to convince anyone of anything. It is a simple fact. You don't know my heart! Don't think you know what is best for me. What is best for me is what makes you happy and to hell with me? Is that it? Life isn't perfect and that is okay. What I once thought was perfect and great, but was just smoke and mirrors. I live a real life. A rewarding life. A good life. I don't need to justify my decisions to you. I will not!

Why do I bother anymore? Really? The sense of failure and lack of respect is my blanket at night. It is my alarm clock in the morning. It is the meals I eat (or don't eat). It is the face that stares back at me daily. Thank you so very much for understanding my life and my desires! No seriously, thank you!

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