Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Growly Girl

Where the hell did the grumpy girl come from?

My day started out amazing! Spent some time with Cute Boy this morning.

Went to my counselling appointment. It was a good appointment. I'm never sure if I'm making progress or just nattering. The things I talk about don't always make the most sense to me, but I felt I did okay today. Got in my car and cried! That is typical.

I had some gifts yet to buy for Velda. I really struggled until today. Today all was aligned and I found great gifts! I love them! That's what I get for waiting so long to go downtown. I should know better than that! Silly girl. Lesson learned.

I had a great time walking around downtown looking in the adorable little shops and finding just the right gift for Velda. It was when I got to work that my day went to shit. For no particular reason I walked in the office and I couldn't fight the tears. I've been to the bathroom 3 times crying my eyes out. One time I'm sitting in there in the dark, on the floor with my knees in my chest just bawling! I hate this. I hate this feeling.

I have a lot going on in my life, that goes without saying. I have Queenie moving back to Cobourg in the next 2 weeks. I have Princess not at home and unsure of what she is doing over the holidays. My thoughts about Velda are always front and center as much as I don't talk about them. Not that anyone would know, especially Velda since I very seldom see her. I'm dealing with that guilt, not so well, I guess. I don't really know how to say what I'm trying to say.

I love the holidays and I want to be home enjoying them, not here at work - not today. I'm tired of the mental struggles of this job and the demands of it. I want to be home with my tree, my Cute Boy, my dog, my lights, my Christmas music. I want to be on the couch snuggled in blanket loving my life not mentally fighting my way through my day. I want to be here sharing my joys of the Christmas season, not feeling so wrought!

I will be back with more positive thoughts and a fresh outlook on life after the glass of wine I have planned for when I hang the lights on the tree tonight! That will chase away my dark mood and bring back my Christmas spirit and a leave a smile on my heart.


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