Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Christmas From My Rearview Mirror

Now that the wonder of the Christmas season is over, I'm left with thoughts of Christmases past.

There have been so many different types of Christmases that I've lived. Some good, some sad and some just.

The most colourful Christmas I can remember, but do I really remember it or just remember what I saw in pictures? I remember the Christmas I was given my little couch and chair set from my grandparents. It was the cutest couch and chair set. It was magical!

The Christmas I spent the night at my Aunt's house and celebrated with their family because both of my parents were working. That was a weird feeling. I can still remember the loneliness of laying on the couch looking at the stockings hung on the wrought iron railings. It was was very generous of my Aunt to have me spend the night, but it just wasn't home. You know?

There was the Christmas that I spent in the hospital with my mother. I slept on a cot in her hospital bed. That was just the most heartbreaking feeling ever! I remember laying there for the longest time listening to her trachea tube wheezing noise and silent tears rolling down my face. I was blessed in the sense of being with my mother and hopefully offsetting some of her loneliness, but it was a sad place to be. If it was sad for me, what must it have been like for her?

The Christmas following this one, was gifts from my dad sitting on the couch. I woke up and there the gifts were on the couch. No tree, no wrap. Just gifts. He had to work and that was his efforts for Christmas that year.

Many Christmases after that were spent with my in-laws before the arrival of my daughters. It was after the girls arrived that I found Christmas took on a whole new kind of magic. There is something magical about viewing Christmas through the eyes of a child. It was being 'Santa' for me that I fell in love with Christmas and the spirit of giving.

The last 2 Christmases have been a bit unorthodox as far as what I have come to expect of the holidays and with my prolific past of unorthodox Christmases, that is really saying something. I've spent the last two Christmases without my children and it sucks!

As much as Christmas is about being with the people you love, I've been blessed with that again this year. It was Cute Boy and I alone on Christmas morning. Not what I'm used to, but precious in it's own right. Leading up to Christmas Day, one could say I was moody, edgy, tear-filled and downright irritable. Not to be dishonest, but it was all kept from Cute Boy. He has and does help me through every single difficult thing I encounter, but I didn't want him paying the price for something that is not his fault. My concern and anxiety turned out to be all for not. I am getting used to things not being how I expect them to be, but good nonetheless. It was a beautiful Christmas morning with the man I adore and cherish. It has become our own special time now. Things may not be how I envisioned them, but some of the best things in life are those that aren't planned.

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