Sad

The last couple days have been tough. Tougher than normal.

My ex-husband's grandfather passed away yesterday. Grandpa has been struggling for quite some time now and he has finally been released from his pain and suffering. It is not an easy loss, but it was expected. Being expected makes in no easier to handle.

I spent the day yesterday (Tuesday) with my in-laws and my sister in-law, along with my other family members while Grandpa was in his last moments of life. I wasn't with the family when he finally passed, but being that I was at work, and he was in 'my' hospital, I was still able to offer my love and support.

My heart hurts for my mother-in-law. I never like to see her hurting and to see her suffer and feel her sadness is difficult. I will be taking Thursday off work to attend services. The burial is on Saturday. I am off, so I'll be there for that too. I'm extremely concerned about Princess. She is such an emotional critter. She has a tendency to absorb the pain of those she loves, so I know her heart will be breaking when she sees the emotion in her Grandma over the next couple days. I'm mostly taking the day off work because of Princess and her sensitive tendencies.

My oldest daughter, Queenie isn't able to get the time off work to get down to attend any of the services. That is going to be tough on her. I understand and I know her grandmother will too. Sometimes life just sucks!

The world has lost an amazing man. A man I've not seen in a while, but a man that has lived a good, honourable life. A man that I'm proud to have been able to consider family for the last 20+ years. Grandpa Gilpin, you will be missed!

Home Sweet Home

My baby girl is home! My baby girl is home!

I wasn't expecting her until sometime today because she had some difficulty getting her dad to drive her home yesterday, as was the plan. I was disappointed to have to wait another day to see her. Off I went to ball with a heavy heart at this delayed reunion with my peanut (you'd think she was 5, not 15). I got home from ball to find my baby in the kitchen. A sweet reunion with tears ensued!

Can I tell you I'm so happy to have her home. I know I missed her a lot while she was gone, but didn't realize to what extent until I could actually touch her beautiful face and talk to her. That is what I missed the most. Talking to her. She is the most wonderful conversationalist. She is mature, witty, sensitive and just a genuine caring and compassionate young lady.

In other news - sad news, but good news, I got my phone call today. I have an appointment to talk to someone 2 weeks from today. I'm scared to death, but excited and apprehensive. Does that make sense? I'm an emotional basket case and can't stop from crying most every day... oh who the hell am I kidding. It is every day. Numerous times per day.

Not too much longer and I'll hopefully have some directions, some answers and I don't know what else.

In case you forgot - MY BABY IS HOME!

Operation Fat Blaster

I'm always on the lookout for new things to try that will assist me with reaching my fitness goals. I've discovered something new! I'm really excited about it. Those of you who read my blog that participate in fitness challenges and want to get fit, check it out.

Operation Fat Blaster is an Internet community set up to offer support and assistance in achieving your weight loss and healthier lifestyle.

I discovered this community via Tigerlily. I'm always reading this blog, although I don't always post. I see a lot of me in her, so I'm always over there wondering how parallel our journey is on any given day. Thank you so much for posting this link.

What is the blog day? I'm feast or famine!

Operation Beautiful - Model Edition

I've posted another Operation Beautiful post it note. Again, it was a library book. This time around it was James Patterson's most recent novel, Swimsuit. The novel is about the killer that strikes in beautiful Hawaii and kills a supermodel.

The pressures to be like a supermodel and the unrealistic goal placed upon woman by the fashion/model/beauty industry is a major reason for some women (or men) to push so hard to be a certain size and look a certain way. I know there are times that I fall mercy to the idea that these people are perfect. I need to stop that. We are all beautiful in our own individual way.

Saturday Sweetness

I've finished my run. I felt and feel incredible. If I feel so incredible, someone please tell me why I delay the work out and the running like I do. I'll never figure it out.

I did intervals for 40 minutes. 4.89KM later, so close to 5K, I'm done for the day. I did a mini shoulder, bicep work out as well. One work out at a time. I will build on this tomorrow with something physical. Maybe a bike ride, maybe a walk on the treadmill, or better yet outside with the dog. Shhhhh, don't read that part too loud because if she hears the word "walk" she goes crazy. Cute, but crazy.

Here was my post work out snack. One of my all time favorite combos right now. Can't get enough of it.

1/2 cup Liberte Yogurt
splash vanilla
1/2 sweetener packet
chopped strawberries
1/2 all bran bar

After assembly, it looks like this:

I love the crunch of the granola bar on top and the fact that it's only a 4 point snack. I get in a dairy serving as well as a portion of fruit. Yummy goodness!

I'm outta here for now. I'm off to attempt to knock things off my to-do list.

Again, have a great day!

Saturday Stuff

I've been up and on the go since 8am and haven't accomplished much other than a couple cups of coffee and a bit of house cleaning.

Cute Boy is gone to work so it's just Miss Daisy and me for the rest of the day. There is so many things that need to be done. Treadmill, weight train, floor washing, stitching (gasp) and a couple movies to be watched is what I have on the agenda for the day.

First on the list has to be the work out or I'll put it off so long that I'll end up doing nothing and that is not the path to success! :)

In answer to a couple questions in my comment section - Yes, I've been on anti-depressants in the past (2x). I know the value of them and the importance of meds at times like this. My very first bout of depression was difficult, as was expected. One thing, I'm never ashamed of is being depressed. Although, I'm saying I like or look forward to it. t is something broken with my emotions and chemical balance. It is no different in my opinion, than having a broken arm other than the hurts inside aren't something seen to the human eye, but deserves as much respect and understanding.

I'm off to do some of the chores I've listed. I will hopefully be back with a few other posts today, since I've some things I want to share.

Have a great one!

Swimsuit - James Patterson

Syd, a breathtakingly beautiful supermodel on a photo shoot in Hawaii, disappears. Fearing the worst, her parents travel to Hawaii to investigate for themselves, never expecting the horror that awaits them.

LA Times reporter Ben Hawkins is conducting his own research into the case, hoping to help the victim and get an idea for his next bestseller. With no leads and no closer to uncovering the kidnapper's identity than when he stepped off the plane, Ben gets a shocking visit that pushes him into an impossible-to-resist deal with the devil.

A heart-pounding story of fear and desire, SWIMSUIT transports readers to a chilling new territory where the collision of beauty and murder transforms paradise into a hell of unspeakable horrors.

~~~~~~~~~
Book #26 - A quick one again. This book was good. I never really got to the point that I cared for the characters and that was odd. At times I felt like I was just turning the pages and not really absorbing the story.

Ugly

As I expected my WI this morning was ugly.

139.6lbs ugly!

I can feel in my body that it has changed. I have changed for that matter. I didn't weigh in last week because I was in denial about the scale. I knew if I got on the scale last Friday I would have been a mess mentally. Really, I'm no better today.

I am at another all time high. I'm supposed to be participating in Amy's 15 Week Challenge. My name is on the list, but I think if I'm being completely honest here, I'm just signed up and not even going through the motions. Going through the motions, even half assed right now would at least have me moving.

I'm not going to sit here and spout on about what I could do, what I should do. I've done that before and I'm done with that ridiculous way of thinking about my body.

This is now one meal and one work out at a time. I will get on my treadmill tonight and move. If I don't run it is not the end of the world. If I walk, it is more than I did yesterday. I have to adopt this new way of thinking or I'm never going to make a change.

I am armed with the most recent issue of Oxygen magazine. Now let my journey begin. One step at a time. One meal at a time. One bottle of water at a time. Why do I feel like an addict on a 12 step program?

Quiet, Wine and a Funny

No phone call yet. I'm carrying my cel phone around with me like a life line.

Last night was a good night. I got home from work and relaxed the entire night. I poured myself a glass of wine that I tended to all night.

I sat on the new deck, which I love, by the way because it is so big that I can now sit out back with afternoon sun still hitting me. I was out there for about a half hour reading and decompressing from a crazy work day. I then puttered around on my facebook farmville game.
My dinner was less than stellar - a 2 cheese slice grilled cheese sandwich. I later soaked in the tub with my wine and my book, to hit my bed lights out by 9pm, assisted by a sleeping pill to get a solid uninterrupted night's sleep. It was a beautifully quiet night all around. Something I think I needed and if it rains as expected today, which will cancel my ball game, will do again this evening.

I do have a very little funny to share. Those of you on facebook, who are familiar with the applications will understand where I'm coming from in my description. On the right side of the screen is a list of various things that people on your contact list participate in.... well what do you know. There is my husband's face with his fiancee. Yes, you read that right - my husband LMFAO, with an announcement about his/their Jack and Jill this coming weekend. Princess and his cousin (who is on my list) are attending, so it shows on my page since people I know are attending this event. Since it is an open event I'm able to access this information. I was dying laughing.... I was tempted to post on the page that you might want to seek a divorce prior to your new marriage. I didn't, but the temptation was oh so huge! It gave me the greatest laugh. Some people!

Off to start my day here at work again. Hopefully things will be peaceful. My trusty sidekick isn't in with my today, so the day could be a stressful mess. Okay adding this - screw the hope of a stress free day... the replacement co-worker just walked in the door at 7:05. Her shift starts at 8:45am.... oh freaking great. This is going to be a shit day! She will sit here all day reading over my shoulder through everything I look at all day long on the computer. She will comment then apologize and then do the same thing all over again 5 minutes later. Paranoia to the extra and it drives me absolutely bat shit crazy! Shoot me now to put me out of my misery. Isn't it terrible? My entry started out not too bad in tone and within 5 minutes I'm losing it. Fuck! I didn't have the opportunity to hit "publish post" before the day took a turn for the worst. AUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHH

Have a great day!

A Tough Call

Things in my life are what they are, as they always are.

I've finally made a phone call for an appointment for some kind of counselling. I have an Employee Assistance Program for various types of counselling through my work. I figured it's a service that is offered and I might as well use of resources available to me.

I called for an appointment about a month or so ago. I was never able to connect to the counsellor since I'd only given my cel phone as a contact. I let things slide for the time being, but life being what it is I've made another attempt at setting up an appointment.

I'm expecting a call from the counsellor in the next couple days. I'm not sure how long I'll have to wait for an appointment. Hopefully not long.

My head is a mess. I'm an emotional basket case, so much so, that I think I'm depressed again. I've been depressed a couple times in the past, so I'm very aware of the signs. I cry at the drop of a hat - numerous times per day. My head races with thoughts of all sorts. I'm not sleeping all that well. The only oddity is I still have an appetite. Of course I still have an appetite! GRRRRR!!! My previous experiences with depression have seen these symptoms as my indicators of a slippery slope for me. I hope it's not depression because I hate that feeling. Been there done that before.

I will keep doing what I'm doing for now and hope for the best that I'm not too long in getting in to talk to someone.

Hugs!

Have a great day!

Until Next Time

The vacation is over. Sad to say, but true none the less. It's over. I'll always have the weight I gained though, errrrr the memories. Oh, I'm so funny - not!

Seriously, the vacation is over and for that I'm incredibly sad. This was my first paid weeks holiday. I loved that part. The part I couldn't deal so well with, was the Sunday afternoon and having to get ready for work again. How time flies when you're having fun.

I was due to weigh in on Friday past and didn't. I was a big chicken. I ate insane amounts of food and consumed copious amounts of Corona while on my week's holiday. I don't know what the hell happened to the otherwise normally conscientious me. I just disappeared. What else has disappeared is my drive to do anything about my physical funk.

I did have a great time off though. Cute Boy and I had a couple parties to attend, family to visit and lounging around to do. He had deck to build and I had a Farm to build on Facebook. I watched a few movies in the afternoons and had mini naps after and during those movies. It was heaven.

Life is back to normal now, in the sense that I'm back to work. Second day back on the job and already, I have bags under my eyes and I'm drained and exhausted.

I'm at work as I type this, so I'd best get some work done while it's still quiet enough for me to think and enjoy my Starbucks I brought in to work as a comfort for having to go to work. That works right??

Have a great one!

Summer Reading

How did this happen? Georgie York, once the costar of America's favorite television sitcom, has been publicly abandoned by her famous husband, her film career has tanked, her father is driving her crazy, and her public image as a spunky heroine is taking a serious beating.

What should a down-on-her-luck actress do? Not go to Vegas . . . not run into her detestable former costar, dreamboat-from-hell Bramwell Shepard . . . and not get caught up in an ugly incident that leads to a calamitous elopement. Before she knows it, Georgie has a fake marriage, a fake husband, and maybe (or not) a fake sex life.

It's a paparazzi free-for-all, and Georgie's nonsupporting cast doesn't help. There's Bram's punk-nightmare housekeeper, Georgie's own pushy parent, a suck-up agent, an icy studio head with a private agenda, and her ex-husband's new wife, who can't get enough of doing good deeds and saving the world - the bitch. As for Georgie's leading man, Bram's giving the performance of his life, but he's never cared about anyone except himself, and it's not exactly clear why.

Two enemies find themselves working without a script in a town where the spotlight shines bright . . . and where the strongest emotions can wear startling disguises.

~~~~~~~~~~
Book #24 - I loved this book. It was so fun. I found it tamed down, very tamed down version of a Jackie Collins novel. I can't wait for the next time I get another of her novels in at the library.

"Candy Girl" is the story of a young writer who dares to bare it all as a stripper.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Book #25 - I enjoyed this book as odd as the topic is. I was a bit thrown by some of the situations described. There were parts that I was laughing so loud with tears running down my face and others I was gagging.

WI, Updates and Life Ohhh My

WI this morning saw me down the .8lbs I gained last week. 136.6lbs again! AUGHHHHH

I will get this mess of my weight figured out one of these days.

I know a lot of my issues stem from the beer I consume. I don't drink a lot in the too much drinking way, but a beer here and a beer there that I know it's standing the way of my reaching some of my goals.

I will focus on healthy choices rather than just a number, as much as I'm a very number geared person.

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I'm holidays in a few short hours! I can't wait. This will be my first week of paid holidays since I've been full time. I've taken the odd day here and there, but nothing ever this long. There isn't much planned for mine and Cute Boy's time off and I'm okay with that.

We have discussed a day trip to the States and a day trip to Cornwall to visit his sister.

I really want to do nothing more than sit on the deck with a cold drink and a book.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tomorrow morning at the butt crack of dawn Cute Boy and I are going to be on the golf course. We have a golf tournament for Cute Boy's hockey team. It will, as always, be a great time. I get to golf with Cute Boy this year rather than with some of the other wives. That is always fun to be with him.

This is the only part of the holidays that are a concern to me... Saturday night we have a mid season ball party. That is going to be an awesome time! It always is. I'm not a big fan of playing ball anymore, but I keep playing because I love the people and the socializing aspect of the sport. We have a very fun team this year. We're not at all talented, but we do know how to have a good time.

I will be starting my second day of holidays severely hung over, I'm sure. It will be a good time and that is what holidays are all about, right? Not going to be good for the upcoming weight in, but I want to live and have fun too. All about balance, right!

~~~~~~~~~~
Princess has gone to her dad's for 2 weeks or so. It is going to be good for her to be out of town for a bit. I hate like hell every time she goes there, but I hope every time she does go that she learns something and appreciates the life I provide for her. I hope she sees the differences in our lives and that I do the best I can to surround her with positive influences and opportunities.

I think her lesson learning moments are still a long time coming. Right now her dad's place is an place to run, where mine is a place of responsibility.

Have a great healthy happy day!

Operation Beautiful

I couldn't resist Operation Beautiful any longer.

I think this is one of the most wonderful movements to hit the internet in quite some time.

This note was placed in a Janet Evanovich novel. I just returned the book to the library yesterday. I hope the recipient enjoys a little lift when they discover my post it note.

Ten Big Ones - Janet Evanovich

Take an exit off the Jersey Turnpike to the irresistible world of Stephanie Plum, America's favorite bounty hunter, where she gets into more trouble than ever. This time, she faces a notorious gang in Trenton who wants her dead. Morelli warns that she's in too deep, and Stephanie more than agrees. But the gang won't let her bow out. With Ranger missing in action, Stephanie has to go into hiding--and stumbles on to the secret location of Ranger's "bat cave." Is it the perfect place to disappear? Or will she get into more trouble than she knows by delving into his private world?

~~~~~~~~~~~

Book 23 - Again, summer fun and fluff.

Taking It Outside

The Venue
The Equipment


The Chest Work Out

Again


Suicides - 'nuff said


The Glutes

The Triceps

The Planks

The Victims

This would be the visual evidence of Krista and I totally tearing up the tennis courts at 5:30am yesterday morning, in our version of "Take It Outside" work out. It was a bit killer, but not overly so. I would love to be able to find a place to do stairs. Rocky stairs, ya know?!

Tennis wasn't so much tennis as you would see at Wimbledon, as much as it was Krista and I just hitting the ball back and forth. Laughter ensued which is no big stretch of the imagination. I'm sure the residents of the condos behind us were not too impressed with us partying it up like rock stars at 5:30am. Maybe they could have or should have joined us for a little activity to start their day. It was a great way to start the day.

Lovin' it! Thanks so much Amy! You are a rock star yourself!

Naughty Neighbor - Janet Evanovich

Sneaking around in the shadows was more fun than Louisa ever imagined .. Pete never figured on finding a partner in crime who tasted like dessert. Once he'd taught Louisa to enjoy living on the edge, would she finally feel safe in his love?

~~~~~~~~~~
Book # 22 - Summer silliness.

I have to add this disclaimer. The cover on the book I read was much more current than the one I've posted, not so hokey looking.

Up We Go Again

My weigh in this morning didn't go as I had hoped. I'm going to quit hoping.

I'm up .8lbs. I'm not impressed, but as I said in a post from earlier this week I'm more than a number.

I know I can do this. I just have to make me a priority from here on out. If I don't no one else will, so this is on me. I know what needs to be done. I can do this.

I want to do this. I want to be healthier. I want to feel healthier. My physical endurance is shit. It's too bad I let go of the hard work I put forth in the past. Funny thing is my past can't be changed, but my future can! I will change this. I have no other options!

July Distances

July

2 - 2.6K

4 - 3

5 - 5.5

6 - 2.4

25 - 4.89

27 - 2.4

Just Recapping June

June was a pretty successful month for me in a physical moving sort of way.

I worked out 9/30 days. That is most so far this year. Having the treadmill, universal, a few free weights and Oxygen magazine worked quite well.

My weight hasn't really moved like I would like, but I'm not going to continually dwell on that. I'm finding myself in a happy place, as with all things, I will get there when I'm meant to get there. I'm trying to find a balance that I can be content with all things I juggle.

My life has to be more than the number on the scale and the size of my pants. I'm worth more than a number. I've always known this, but it's taken me a very long time to believe.

I want to be a good person, a good mother, a good significant other, a wonderful friend. I need to be friends with me and my body before I can achieve all these other goals.

Funny how a couple days and some space can help you figure out life and the big picture.

This entry went nowhere where I expected it to go. Funny how that works out some times too.

Have a great one!

Random Happenings and Happiness Cometh

I'll do this in the order of my day.

I got up this morning and did me some Jillian workout! I then did me some Amy workout. Not sure who is worse. Honestly! Amy, you rock sweetie. Like I said in a post about Jillian, it's not nice to think or say mean things about someone you don't know. Well, I was thinking the same thing when I was cursing (lovin') you while on that mat beating my abs to death. MWAH!!

I'm just finishing up my workout when the phone rings. It's Cute Boy calling from work/cel phone. He's had to come in town to do something on one of the islands. He bought a pie (good Lord) and bread (another good Lord) at the bakery on the island and wanted to know if I wanted to meet him at the ferry when he got off to pick up the baked goods. Hell yea! He'd be in his blues! I'm in on that like a dirty shirt. To hell with eating baked goods, I could have eaten, oh never mind... you get the idea LOL!

It took about 45 minutes out of my day to drive down and make the exchange and I'm telling you, I would have taken an hour and half out of my day for a glimpse of that goodness. I'm standing on the curb saying goodbye to him, swinging my baked goods in my hand like a little kid in a candy store I was so flummoxed!

It's the little things in life that bring you back around to some sort of normalcy and feelings of good. Life can be hectic and stressful, but it is good!

Happy Canada Day to those celebrating!