Tough couple days.

Tough couple days.

Cute Boy and I attended the services of his friend. I am glad that is over. How sad is that? I'm just there as support for him and I'm glad it's over! How about the poor grieving husband and her parents. The husband spoke at her services and it was heart wrenching. Her father is of ill health at home in Newfoundland and couldn't make it for the services. The husband had us all hold hands and send our strength to him. The sobbing heard throughout the room was enough to further break my heart. To see Cute Boy hurting is more than I ever want to bear, but sadly, such is life.

I really don't do well with the loss of loved ones. I've said that I only met Cute Boy's friend once. I don't think that in any way speaks about the value of the person or their impact on your life. My meeting with her was brief, but it was sweet too. It was at a happy occasion (wedding) that I met her. Her interaction with Cute Boy showed me another side of him. That is a gift, and one I will always appreciate.

The loss of Cute Boy's friend has hit me in a way I never expected. I am really struggling with my own mortality. This woman was only 49 years old. I am 40. That would be 9 years from now. Too young to die. My mother died at the age of 38 and I was 19 years old. Growing into an adult, I was always watching the years. Make it to 39 and you'll have outlived your mother. That was the goal. I've done that and I'm happy. To compare my own life to that of another, if I were to die at the age of 49 would I be happy with how I've lived my life?

Would I be happy with how I've lived my life? I'm not sure, really. Have I loved like I should? Have I made a difference? Would I have done the things I want to do? If I were to answer these questions honestly, I would answer them in the following way.

Have I loved how I should? - I think I have loved the only way I know how, with all my heart.

Have I made a difference? - I don't think so. I think I just go on, day by day doing what I think needs to be done and don't really slow down enough to make a difference.

Would I have done the things I want to do? - I've lived a good life, but have I experienced all life has to offer? I've experienced the gift of motherhood. The laughter and tears of a child. The love of another and a broken heart to boot. I've discovered a most wonderful man that I'm honoured to share my life, be it good times or tough times. I've been able to be a friend, a wife, a mother, a girlfriend, a lover, a companion, a best friend. Have I lived enough? I'm not 100% on that one yet. There is still so much I want to do, so much love I want to give.

I don't want to look back and have regrets, although I know that is impossible. I love my life. It is a great life, a life I'm blessed to live and to question my decisions is tough. I ponder this and struggle with the what if fear that Cute Boy and I run out of time. I hate feeling this way.

How sad is that? Sorry for the maudlin tone of my blog today. I'm struggling more than I realized. The fingers started typing and I let them.

Love those with all you have for you just never know what tomorrow has in store for you.

Heart Sad

Cute Boy and I had a date night on Saturday night that started great, but didn't end that way. We went to see Classic Albums Live to see SuperTramp - Crime of the Century at the Grand Theatre. Wow! What a show. It was a birthday present for Cute Boy and it took from December until last night for us to enjoy his gift.

On our way home Cute Boy discovered a cel phone voice message. It wasn't until we were home that we were able to figure out what was going on. There was a phone message from a friend, that a mutual friend of theirs had passed away. It was a very sudden death. As much as Cute Boy is quiet, as a rule, he's even more-so today, which I completely expect.

He has been friends with this woman for quite some time. He and her had actually went on a couple dates, but nothing came of that adventure for either of them. Cute Boy can't remember how old she was, 49-51 is his best memory - way too young. My heart hurts for her husband, although I only met each of them once. When I did meet them, I was impressed with how warm and genuine she was. It was as though I'd known her much longer than a few minutes. I can't even imagine how in shock her husband must be, not to mention heartbroken. They were planning a vacation on Tuesday and now, he will be saying good-bye in the most final of ways. I just feel so sad.

There is another sadness that is surfacing and feeling it makes me feel so very selfish. It is here that I dump some of life's harder moments and thoughts. Cute Boy and I have been dating 3 years and a bit. We are both in our 40's and it is this that has me all up in my head. I'm not implying that either of us is near to death, but who knows. I never imply that our relationship is perfect, but he is, by far, the best thing that ever happened to me. It is my love of him that is so simple and easy. I worry at different times that we became a couple so late in life (not early teens or 20's), that we may run out of time. I know we all will run out of time, but our time together is so much shorter than others. We are not married, nor do I think we ever will, and I don't think that defines a relationship, although I love the idea of marriage. There is no indicator of when you're going to pass away, but I'm stuck with thoughts, that we just wont have enough time together. I've had these thoughts before, but the passing of Cute Boy's friend just makes them all the more prominent in my mind. Coming into a relationship later in life is a mixed bag of blessings and burdens. You know who you are. You know what you have to offer. You're not juvenile in your actions (hopefully) and you have made your peace with the history of relationships in your past. I'm still working on that last part. It is the blessing and the curse of knowing those things, but maybe not having the time to fully share all the love you have, for that one person that makes your life the wonderful gift it is.

Hugs xoxoxo

Sad

The last couple days have been tough. Tougher than normal.

My ex-husband's grandfather passed away yesterday. Grandpa has been struggling for quite some time now and he has finally been released from his pain and suffering. It is not an easy loss, but it was expected. Being expected makes in no easier to handle.

I spent the day yesterday (Tuesday) with my in-laws and my sister in-law, along with my other family members while Grandpa was in his last moments of life. I wasn't with the family when he finally passed, but being that I was at work, and he was in 'my' hospital, I was still able to offer my love and support.

My heart hurts for my mother-in-law. I never like to see her hurting and to see her suffer and feel her sadness is difficult. I will be taking Thursday off work to attend services. The burial is on Saturday. I am off, so I'll be there for that too. I'm extremely concerned about Princess. She is such an emotional critter. She has a tendency to absorb the pain of those she loves, so I know her heart will be breaking when she sees the emotion in her Grandma over the next couple days. I'm mostly taking the day off work because of Princess and her sensitive tendencies.

My oldest daughter, Queenie isn't able to get the time off work to get down to attend any of the services. That is going to be tough on her. I understand and I know her grandmother will too. Sometimes life just sucks!

The world has lost an amazing man. A man I've not seen in a while, but a man that has lived a good, honourable life. A man that I'm proud to have been able to consider family for the last 20+ years. Grandpa Gilpin, you will be missed!