Monday, February 22, 2010

Heart Sad

Cute Boy and I had a date night on Saturday night that started great, but didn't end that way. We went to see Classic Albums Live to see SuperTramp - Crime of the Century at the Grand Theatre. Wow! What a show. It was a birthday present for Cute Boy and it took from December until last night for us to enjoy his gift.

On our way home Cute Boy discovered a cel phone voice message. It wasn't until we were home that we were able to figure out what was going on. There was a phone message from a friend, that a mutual friend of theirs had passed away. It was a very sudden death. As much as Cute Boy is quiet, as a rule, he's even more-so today, which I completely expect.

He has been friends with this woman for quite some time. He and her had actually went on a couple dates, but nothing came of that adventure for either of them. Cute Boy can't remember how old she was, 49-51 is his best memory - way too young. My heart hurts for her husband, although I only met each of them once. When I did meet them, I was impressed with how warm and genuine she was. It was as though I'd known her much longer than a few minutes. I can't even imagine how in shock her husband must be, not to mention heartbroken. They were planning a vacation on Tuesday and now, he will be saying good-bye in the most final of ways. I just feel so sad.

There is another sadness that is surfacing and feeling it makes me feel so very selfish. It is here that I dump some of life's harder moments and thoughts. Cute Boy and I have been dating 3 years and a bit. We are both in our 40's and it is this that has me all up in my head. I'm not implying that either of us is near to death, but who knows. I never imply that our relationship is perfect, but he is, by far, the best thing that ever happened to me. It is my love of him that is so simple and easy. I worry at different times that we became a couple so late in life (not early teens or 20's), that we may run out of time. I know we all will run out of time, but our time together is so much shorter than others. We are not married, nor do I think we ever will, and I don't think that defines a relationship, although I love the idea of marriage. There is no indicator of when you're going to pass away, but I'm stuck with thoughts, that we just wont have enough time together. I've had these thoughts before, but the passing of Cute Boy's friend just makes them all the more prominent in my mind. Coming into a relationship later in life is a mixed bag of blessings and burdens. You know who you are. You know what you have to offer. You're not juvenile in your actions (hopefully) and you have made your peace with the history of relationships in your past. I'm still working on that last part. It is the blessing and the curse of knowing those things, but maybe not having the time to fully share all the love you have, for that one person that makes your life the wonderful gift it is.

Hugs xoxoxo

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