Friday, February 26, 2010

Tough couple days.

Tough couple days.

Cute Boy and I attended the services of his friend. I am glad that is over. How sad is that? I'm just there as support for him and I'm glad it's over! How about the poor grieving husband and her parents. The husband spoke at her services and it was heart wrenching. Her father is of ill health at home in Newfoundland and couldn't make it for the services. The husband had us all hold hands and send our strength to him. The sobbing heard throughout the room was enough to further break my heart. To see Cute Boy hurting is more than I ever want to bear, but sadly, such is life.

I really don't do well with the loss of loved ones. I've said that I only met Cute Boy's friend once. I don't think that in any way speaks about the value of the person or their impact on your life. My meeting with her was brief, but it was sweet too. It was at a happy occasion (wedding) that I met her. Her interaction with Cute Boy showed me another side of him. That is a gift, and one I will always appreciate.

The loss of Cute Boy's friend has hit me in a way I never expected. I am really struggling with my own mortality. This woman was only 49 years old. I am 40. That would be 9 years from now. Too young to die. My mother died at the age of 38 and I was 19 years old. Growing into an adult, I was always watching the years. Make it to 39 and you'll have outlived your mother. That was the goal. I've done that and I'm happy. To compare my own life to that of another, if I were to die at the age of 49 would I be happy with how I've lived my life?

Would I be happy with how I've lived my life? I'm not sure, really. Have I loved like I should? Have I made a difference? Would I have done the things I want to do? If I were to answer these questions honestly, I would answer them in the following way.

Have I loved how I should? - I think I have loved the only way I know how, with all my heart.

Have I made a difference? - I don't think so. I think I just go on, day by day doing what I think needs to be done and don't really slow down enough to make a difference.

Would I have done the things I want to do? - I've lived a good life, but have I experienced all life has to offer? I've experienced the gift of motherhood. The laughter and tears of a child. The love of another and a broken heart to boot. I've discovered a most wonderful man that I'm honoured to share my life, be it good times or tough times. I've been able to be a friend, a wife, a mother, a girlfriend, a lover, a companion, a best friend. Have I lived enough? I'm not 100% on that one yet. There is still so much I want to do, so much love I want to give.

I don't want to look back and have regrets, although I know that is impossible. I love my life. It is a great life, a life I'm blessed to live and to question my decisions is tough. I ponder this and struggle with the what if fear that Cute Boy and I run out of time. I hate feeling this way.

How sad is that? Sorry for the maudlin tone of my blog today. I'm struggling more than I realized. The fingers started typing and I let them.

Love those with all you have for you just never know what tomorrow has in store for you.

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