It's been a whirlwind of a year. There has been so much happen - good, bad and everything in between. How life flies, especially now that 2009 brought me to ripe old age of 40!
January was a hectic month for us all. Cute Boy, Princess and I all packed up and in to the new house. It was great to get out of the condo, but it was not an easy transition for the 3 of us.
February was filled with buying of tickets for concerts, first off February, was Kenny Chesney tickets to be bought for August. They were an Easter gift for Princess.
February 14th brought around this February 2 - concert - Brad Paisley with Cute Boy's youngest daughter. WOW!!! What an incredible concert that was. Such an energetic performer. After the concert we spent the night at Cute Boy's niece's place. That was fun and just what I needed.
The concert fun of February 3 wasn't over just yet. There was still the Elton John and Billy Joel tickets to purchase yet. Is it any wonder I was in need of a second job?
Still battling my ever growing waistline in the month of March I thought this was a tolerable number at the time, but now, as I look back I'd love to have that number staring up at me. Little did I know at the time to just appreciate that because it was only going to get worse! Oh silly me! When will I learn?
April 1st saw me at the Plastic surgeon's office for the consultation for a breast augmentation. I qualify, but having the financial setbacks I'm living through, so as much as I am a candidate I'm not able to continue in my quest for new boobs! So sad was me!
I bought this bad boy in May! I've not used it as much as I would have thought. It was too good a bargain to pass up! It was a love at first sight moment, if I've ever!
June threw me for a loop. I look back now and it was a pivotal month in life being how it is now in December. It was the beginning of the end of Princess living at home. It was also at this point that I realized what an amazing man I've the honour of loving. The commitment he has shown in support of me and my family is something, at times, I've taken for granted. Taken for granted to that point, but no longer. It is because of him, I've learned so much about myself. I can not thank him enough!
July - pretty boring. You can skip right over it!
I love the gift of August. It is my very first sunflower given by my dear beloved friend, Velda. No better gift could have been given to me at the time I received this gem.
If I could redo September I would in a heartbeat! It was the beginning of a very concerning and very scary time in my life. There are no words that could have ever prepared me for the news awaiting us in October. If I thought September was bad, I knew nothing!
To be able to turn back a clock, I would love to be able to do that for the month of October This is and will always be one of the saddest days of my life. I never in a million years would ever have expected to be dealt the emotional blow of Velda being diagnosed with cancer. My heart hurts to this day at the thoughts of Velda being dealt this blow! My sense of helplessness still sits heavy in my heart.
A great collection of women participated in the October - Run for the Cure. What a day. The surprise of Velda meeting our team at the finish line was extremely emotional.
One emotional event quickly followed by another with October 3rd edition Princess leaving home. The strain of figuring out how I feel in regards to my youngest daughter leaving home. Time has passed, but I still struggle.
The sad happenings of Velda getting sick, brought about October 4th edition this fun. I will forever walk with Angels. It was great to share this day with Velda, her oldest daughter and both of mine.
I couldn't have been more proud with my November - Queenie applying to College. She did the work. She never gave up. I paid. She pressed the 'send' button. I cried. Enough said!
So, the application to college is sent and that is exciting in it's own rite. Then Queenie does it again - yaaaaa December
My own personal news, shared for the first time publicly, as recent as yesterday December 2 yaaaaa me!
In closing, I will say, this has been quite a year. There have been many good and bad things. Events I would have never dreamed of or wanted. I've learned a lot about myself, but most importantly I've learned a lot about my friends and how much they will do to help me get through this crazy thing called life. Life is crazy and that is what makes it wonderful. Being surrounded by each and everyone of you here and in my real life is what represents the biggest blessings in my life!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
It's been a whirlwind of a year. There has been so much happen - good, bad and everything in between. How life flies, especially now that 2009 brought me to ripe old age of 40!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I've officially lost my mind! I know it may surprise some of you, but others not so much.
Under the tutelage of Bre, I will be undertaking one of the biggest challenges of my life to date
There are many people that have been instrumental in my mental belief that this is something I can do. Don't get me wrong my head space is filled with reasons why I can't do this, how difficult it is going to be, and so on and so on! I am putting the negative chatter in the garbage as of right now. I want this and that is as good a reason as any to want to do this and to do it!
The following women, to name a few have been inspirational. They come from arious walks of life and reasons for doing what they do to live healthier and more fit in their day to day to life.
I've been sitting on this information for about a month now. It was during a conversation with my friend Pam that I first thought this was something I could do, something I wanted to do. I still sat on it a couple more days before sending the e-mail to Bre. In true, Bre generosity, she has offered to take me under her wing and cyber train from Sacramento California. I couldn't be more honoured and happy to have a training partner such as Bre. I love you, girl! You are my inspiration and driving force. I hope you don't regret 'taking me under your wing'. I know you've already said you don't, but this journey of ours has just begun, honey!
Before I mentally and emotionally committed to this huge goal, I talked with Cute Boy and both my girls and with Velda. Every time I would talk about this want of mine, I would cry. Every e-mail I send to Bre or read from her, I cry! She tells me it has taken her 5 halfs to not cry coming over the finish line. Crossing the finish line I expect to cry. Writing an e-mail???
Those that I have listed as inspiration, let me give you a little insight as to why.
Bre - because you are you! You have given so willing of your experience, time and knowledge!
Krista - that one goes without saying - I love you!
Amy - You are a work out goddess! You just go about your business and get it done! In short order - you rock!
Tigerlily - Some days it is as though your blog post was written from my the words floating in my own head. I identify so much with your struggles and your victories! You are a wonderful inspiration!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Now that the wonder of the Christmas season is over, I'm left with thoughts of Christmases past.
There have been so many different types of Christmases that I've lived. Some good, some sad and some just.
The most colourful Christmas I can remember, but do I really remember it or just remember what I saw in pictures? I remember the Christmas I was given my little couch and chair set from my grandparents. It was the cutest couch and chair set. It was magical!
The Christmas I spent the night at my Aunt's house and celebrated with their family because both of my parents were working. That was a weird feeling. I can still remember the loneliness of laying on the couch looking at the stockings hung on the wrought iron railings. It was was very generous of my Aunt to have me spend the night, but it just wasn't home. You know?
There was the Christmas that I spent in the hospital with my mother. I slept on a cot in her hospital bed. That was just the most heartbreaking feeling ever! I remember laying there for the longest time listening to her trachea tube wheezing noise and silent tears rolling down my face. I was blessed in the sense of being with my mother and hopefully offsetting some of her loneliness, but it was a sad place to be. If it was sad for me, what must it have been like for her?
The Christmas following this one, was gifts from my dad sitting on the couch. I woke up and there the gifts were on the couch. No tree, no wrap. Just gifts. He had to work and that was his efforts for Christmas that year.
Many Christmases after that were spent with my in-laws before the arrival of my daughters. It was after the girls arrived that I found Christmas took on a whole new kind of magic. There is something magical about viewing Christmas through the eyes of a child. It was being 'Santa' for me that I fell in love with Christmas and the spirit of giving.
The last 2 Christmases have been a bit unorthodox as far as what I have come to expect of the holidays and with my prolific past of unorthodox Christmases, that is really saying something. I've spent the last two Christmases without my children and it sucks!
As much as Christmas is about being with the people you love, I've been blessed with that again this year. It was Cute Boy and I alone on Christmas morning. Not what I'm used to, but precious in it's own right. Leading up to Christmas Day, one could say I was moody, edgy, tear-filled and downright irritable. Not to be dishonest, but it was all kept from Cute Boy. He has and does help me through every single difficult thing I encounter, but I didn't want him paying the price for something that is not his fault. My concern and anxiety turned out to be all for not. I am getting used to things not being how I expect them to be, but good nonetheless. It was a beautiful Christmas morning with the man I adore and cherish. It has become our own special time now. Things may not be how I envisioned them, but some of the best things in life are those that aren't planned.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I'm no speedy Gonzales that much I know.
I put in a pretty decent run last night. It was my re-introduction to the trusty friend I have in my treadmill.
30 minutes later covering 3.7KM with a
12:59, just call it a 13 minute mile. OMG that is an eye opener to have far I have slid in my overall performance.
I will not do the negative head chatter. This isn't about where I used to be, but where I am now and where I'm headed. I loved my run last night. I used my new i-pod (not fully loaded with tunes yet) and it was great. It felt invigorating to work up a good sweat. I loved the feeling of the hurt. All good hurt, of course I loved the fact that I could belt out tunes at the top of my lungs while pushing to get it done. Get it done, all meant in the best of intentions.
I walked away feeling invigorated and the most alive I've felt in months. It is a wonderful feeling to have a goal in mind!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Those of you that are runners (please come of lurkdom to help a girl out), I have a question.
Do you think you can train for a long distance run on the treadmill for the majority of training or do you think, to be honest to the sport and the rigors of a run, should it be done more outside in the elements?
Thanks any and all!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
It's all over but the crying. There has been any crying yet.
Christmas Eve has been celebrated, Christmas gifts given, dinner consumed and the exodus of the loved ones.
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were wonderful. I was apprehensive about how it was all going to work out, but to be completely honest it was wonderful. It really did feel like Christmas Day while we were celebrating. To make it even more perfect it snowed such a pretty light snow. We loved it!
Princess stayed the last 2 nights at the house which was awesome. It felt great having her around the house again. I was concerned she'd feel uncomfortable, but it didn't seem to me as though she did. I hope she didn't. She was a great help in the kitchen and preparations while Queenie uploaded music to my brand spankin' new ipod, my gift from the girls. Lovin' it already!!! It has the coolest little clip rather having to fuss with those damn armband thingies. The ipod is going to come in super handy in the next couple months. More on that later!
Everyone was up early today. Princess got off to school and straightened some things out on that front. One more day and she is out of school for the holidays. Cute Boy and I were off to take Queenie back up to Cobourg. That was tough, but not as tough as I expected. I really believe it is the best place for her, so off she goes. I may notice the quiet in the next little while, but not right now. There is too much going on for me to notice. It was times when I was as busy as I am going to be in the next couple days that I always felt negligent. It will be after the rush of the holidays that I notice more that my girls are no longer living at home. I will deal with the quiet the only way I know how and that is by keeping busy and occupying my mind.
I find that my life is always a series of time consuming demands. I'm hoping to be able to slow things down some and find some time for me. Spending some quiet time with Cute Boy is high on the list too. Never far from my thoughts, but not enough time given, is to Velda. I am really looking forward to finding some time for her and I to just sit quiet and catch up with each other. Avoiding my fears and concerns is not going to make my fear and concern any easier to deal with, so now its time for the big girl panties to be donned and that's that!
I do have some things I'm working on or will be working on over the next couple months. There will not be a lot of talk about it, but it will keep me away from the computer, so as is the norm now, most of my posts will come from work which is why I'm so lacking in pretty pictures.
Until next time. Be good to yourself and take a little time for YOU today!
Monday, December 14, 2009
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas in my house. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve at house of Queenie and Princess.
Queenie is heading back to Cobourg on Thursday and with it being so close to Christmas she's not sure she is going to get home for Christmas on the 24th or 25th. So, me being me, I'm doing Christmas with all the trimmings on Tuesday Dec. 15th (Christmas Eve) and Wednesday December 16th, (Christmas Day).
It is up early, like normal. Get your stockings and open your gifts. Eat breakfast and stumble back to bed for a little nap! Cute Boy has hockey, so he'll be gone a better part of the day. While he's gone I'll be napping myself and then preparing dinner for the girls, my in-laws and him if he's home. There is a possibility that me may not be there, sadly. He has some stuff at work that may or may not interfere wit his celebrating with us.This is not my ideal way to spend the holidays, but Christmas and the Christmas spirit should be about more than just December 25th. I always say that, now is the time to live it.
Dinner will be most Queenie's and Princess' favorites. Ham, scalloped potatoes, brussel sprouts, peas, cheescake with cherry pie filling top. There will also be Cheese Crazy Lasagna Roll Ups for Princess. Cheese plates, crackers, apple pie, wine and adult beverages.
I'm extremely stressed out and overwhelmed. That's just who I am or who I'm discovering I am. I don't like it one bit. I have list upon list and lists of lists. It's insane. It will all come together. I have only a couple things I need to pick up and then it will be Christmas time in my house!
I can't wait!
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I got home from work last night to the most wonderful sight. Cute Boy in the kitchen. I can't tell you happy I am that he and I are in a good place and with that good place, all the support and good he brings to my life.
I grinned a little grin when I saw him in the kitchen. I groaned a little groan too. On the counter was 2 bricks of cheese and macaroni... what is that???? That is the making of his macaroni and cheese casserole. I love it. I hate it. I love it more! It is sooo tasty but soooo ass fattening. Last night, I didn't care I just enjoyed it. He made supper and I was appreciative of every bite.
There are days when my life is an emotional roller coaster and there are days when I don't know how I got it so good.
You see, Cute Boy is anal (not in a bad way anal, like me) about the garbage. The garbage is a household chore he likes to do. Last night was garbage night. I had to do nothing. He likes to play in the snow - read shovel and snowplow. We are in the midst of a couple days of snowy weather. I've done nothing. Okay, nothing might be pushing it. He shovels. I drink coffee/tea/wine. He shovels and I'm in the house shoveling. While on the topic of household chores, I'll continue to sing his praises. He likes to cut the grass too. So, in the summer he's cutting the grass I'm on the deck with a book reading. How did I get so lucky?
I've been off my game mentally since I'm feeling like I'm not appreciated and some other things that have been pointed out to me by a person I can barely tolerate, but the comments have hit home and are rooting in my head and heart. I was mentally and emotionally drained when I got home from work last night. The timing of Cute Boy's culinary help and wonder were right on target. After dinner we went in to our room with the intention of (get your mind out of the gutter) watching a movie after the early edition news. I don't remember the news since I fell asleep to the rhythm of Cute Boy rubbing my back. I can remember laying there telling him how sweet he is with a tear rolling down my cheek. He doesn't know I had the tears unless he reads about it here, which he normally doesn't. It's one of those moments that you know this is where you were meant to be and with whom.
See the pattern of my roller coaster life though? Tuesday night so sad and heart broken at feeling unappreciated and disrespected. Wednesday night just the complete opposite. Nothing more to worry about than being loved by Cute Boy with no worries from him whatsoever. As much as I appreciate the love, support and general taking care of me, I wonder if I'm going crazy and what the hell is wrong with me. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Make sense?
Somewhere along the way things with Cute Boy and I just clicked in how we live this life of ours together. Our life isn't going to always be easy, but right now I'm going to take every minute of and enjoy it. I was thinking last night, how is it that I became the princess in my life? I can't say for certain, but I think it's Cute Boy! How lucky I am.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
So, we went out for dinner. It was great to see my in-laws. The food was great. The reason for the gathering was great as well. The attitude from the girl for the reason for the celebration - not so much.
I was asked for pictures. The attitude took care of that. After the attitude I couldn't be bothered to take pictures. Why bother? To commemorate the joyous gathering?
I'm so sick and tired of being treated like I'm just a carpet. The tone and ignorance is beyond what I can handle. I'm at the end of my mental rope. I will tolerate this no longer! I'm done like a dinner and all it took was a final celebration dinner to see that I'm not respected or appreciated. I'm nothing more than a means to an end. The end has come for me.
My heart breaks at the way I feel right now, but that broken heart is not an indication of weakness, but rather a resolve to stop being an emotional punching bag for those that use me as such. So, the tears I cried last night and the heaviness of thoughts today are not a lack of strength. It is more a show of strength that I am shutting down my emotions and from here on out just going through the paces.
Done like a dinner is me!
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
It's a big day in my house today!
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Where the hell did the grumpy girl come from?
My day started out amazing! Spent some time with Cute Boy this morning.
Went to my counselling appointment. It was a good appointment. I'm never sure if I'm making progress or just nattering. The things I talk about don't always make the most sense to me, but I felt I did okay today. Got in my car and cried! That is typical.
I had some gifts yet to buy for Velda. I really struggled until today. Today all was aligned and I found great gifts! I love them! That's what I get for waiting so long to go downtown. I should know better than that! Silly girl. Lesson learned.
I had a great time walking around downtown looking in the adorable little shops and finding just the right gift for Velda. It was when I got to work that my day went to shit. For no particular reason I walked in the office and I couldn't fight the tears. I've been to the bathroom 3 times crying my eyes out. One time I'm sitting in there in the dark, on the floor with my knees in my chest just bawling! I hate this. I hate this feeling.
I have a lot going on in my life, that goes without saying. I have Queenie moving back to Cobourg in the next 2 weeks. I have Princess not at home and unsure of what she is doing over the holidays. My thoughts about Velda are always front and center as much as I don't talk about them. Not that anyone would know, especially Velda since I very seldom see her. I'm dealing with that guilt, not so well, I guess. I don't really know how to say what I'm trying to say.
I love the holidays and I want to be home enjoying them, not here at work - not today. I'm tired of the mental struggles of this job and the demands of it. I want to be home with my tree, my Cute Boy, my dog, my lights, my Christmas music. I want to be on the couch snuggled in blanket loving my life not mentally fighting my way through my day. I want to be here sharing my joys of the Christmas season, not feeling so wrought!
I will be back with more positive thoughts and a fresh outlook on life after the glass of wine I have planned for when I hang the lights on the tree tonight! That will chase away my dark mood and bring back my Christmas spirit and a leave a smile on my heart.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 4:14 PM
Who would think to expect a stitching picture on a blog that started as a place to display my works of needle and floss.
Here is my latest bit of work on Enchanted Fairy. This piece has been in my so called rotation for 2 years now. How sad is that?!
Let's see if I can't find some time this month to work on another piece for a 5 hour block and come back even stronger with a progress pic. All I ask is you don't hold your breath. It may not happen.
Happy stitching day to you.
This gift has been sitting in a special place since the day I got it. In no way does my delay in saying a huge THANK YOU to Cathey for such a sweet thoughtful gift, indicate anything on my behalf other than a wonky picture program on Cute Boy's computer - grrrr.
It was quite a shock to find an envelope with my name on it sitting on the counter. I wasn't expecting anything from anyone. As soon as I saw the return address I knew where and who it was from! YAAAAHOOO I knew it was going to be good. Cute Boy asks me why I got such a gift. I TRIED to explain. He didn't really get it. I didn't really expect him to understand.
Now that the picture is taken, well the picture was taken long ago, but now displayed here, I can put to use the sweet gifts. The letter is the best! Thank you Cathey, from the bottom of my heart. It is kindness of others that is the blanket of comfort when life is not so pleasant.
Love you to pieces! -- Reeses pieces!