Thanks, as always for looking.
Tough couple days.
Cute Boy and I attended the services of his friend. I am glad that is over. How sad is that? I'm just there as support for him and I'm glad it's over! How about the poor grieving husband and her parents. The husband spoke at her services and it was heart wrenching. Her father is of ill health at home in Newfoundland and couldn't make it for the services. The husband had us all hold hands and send our strength to him. The sobbing heard throughout the room was enough to further break my heart. To see Cute Boy hurting is more than I ever want to bear, but sadly, such is life.
I really don't do well with the loss of loved ones. I've said that I only met Cute Boy's friend once. I don't think that in any way speaks about the value of the person or their impact on your life. My meeting with her was brief, but it was sweet too. It was at a happy occasion (wedding) that I met her. Her interaction with Cute Boy showed me another side of him. That is a gift, and one I will always appreciate.
The loss of Cute Boy's friend has hit me in a way I never expected. I am really struggling with my own mortality. This woman was only 49 years old. I am 40. That would be 9 years from now. Too young to die. My mother died at the age of 38 and I was 19 years old. Growing into an adult, I was always watching the years. Make it to 39 and you'll have outlived your mother. That was the goal. I've done that and I'm happy. To compare my own life to that of another, if I were to die at the age of 49 would I be happy with how I've lived my life?
Would I be happy with how I've lived my life? I'm not sure, really. Have I loved like I should? Have I made a difference? Would I have done the things I want to do? If I were to answer these questions honestly, I would answer them in the following way.
Have I loved how I should? - I think I have loved the only way I know how, with all my heart.
Have I made a difference? - I don't think so. I think I just go on, day by day doing what I think needs to be done and don't really slow down enough to make a difference.
Would I have done the things I want to do? - I've lived a good life, but have I experienced all life has to offer? I've experienced the gift of motherhood. The laughter and tears of a child. The love of another and a broken heart to boot. I've discovered a most wonderful man that I'm honoured to share my life, be it good times or tough times. I've been able to be a friend, a wife, a mother, a girlfriend, a lover, a companion, a best friend. Have I lived enough? I'm not 100% on that one yet. There is still so much I want to do, so much love I want to give.
I don't want to look back and have regrets, although I know that is impossible. I love my life. It is a great life, a life I'm blessed to live and to question my decisions is tough. I ponder this and struggle with the what if fear that Cute Boy and I run out of time. I hate feeling this way.
How sad is that? Sorry for the maudlin tone of my blog today. I'm struggling more than I realized. The fingers started typing and I let them.
Love those with all you have for you just never know what tomorrow has in store for you.
I'm currently in the middle of week 7 of training for my half marathon. That blows my mind! I've learned a lot about myself in the last 7 weeks a few of the things are:
So, enough of the lessons. On to the fun stuff!
I put on a pair of pants today that didn't fit last month. WOOHOO!!!! I'm loving that. I guess those treadmill sessions are making a difference. I'm only kidding I know they are and it feels incredible. I've lost somewhere around an 1 inch off my hips. That makes for a very happy me. I still have a long way to go, but I'm happy with the progress so far.
I hit the treadmill today for a moderate run during which time I covered 4.2K. I love watching the numbers climb on my total distance tally. This is getting more difficult in distance for my long runs, but I'm really having a lot of fun figuring it all out.
Have a great day!
Erica, posted on my blog about a contest she is running on her blog..... omg this looks another fun blog. I'm getting myself in to a lot of trouble here lately.
Erica is running a contest for a free One More Mile t-shirt. The options available are way too many to choose only one, so I wishy washy and didn't commit. Oh, so like me.
And, just so you know I would really like to win this one too! I'm sooooo bad. Bad is the new good in case you were wondering.
Being a running enthusiast now I want this so bad. Being that I want so much to be a Princess I think this is a perfect shirt for me. Don't you agree? I thought you would!
Syl, you rock just because you rock! Thanks for offering up this adorable shirt.
Cute Boy and I had a date night on Saturday night that started great, but didn't end that way. We went to see Classic Albums Live to see SuperTramp - Crime of the Century at the Grand Theatre. Wow! What a show. It was a birthday present for Cute Boy and it took from December until last night for us to enjoy his gift.
On our way home Cute Boy discovered a cel phone voice message. It wasn't until we were home that we were able to figure out what was going on. There was a phone message from a friend, that a mutual friend of theirs had passed away. It was a very sudden death. As much as Cute Boy is quiet, as a rule, he's even more-so today, which I completely expect.
He has been friends with this woman for quite some time. He and her had actually went on a couple dates, but nothing came of that adventure for either of them. Cute Boy can't remember how old she was, 49-51 is his best memory - way too young. My heart hurts for her husband, although I only met each of them once. When I did meet them, I was impressed with how warm and genuine she was. It was as though I'd known her much longer than a few minutes. I can't even imagine how in shock her husband must be, not to mention heartbroken. They were planning a vacation on Tuesday and now, he will be saying good-bye in the most final of ways. I just feel so sad.
There is another sadness that is surfacing and feeling it makes me feel so very selfish. It is here that I dump some of life's harder moments and thoughts. Cute Boy and I have been dating 3 years and a bit. We are both in our 40's and it is this that has me all up in my head. I'm not implying that either of us is near to death, but who knows. I never imply that our relationship is perfect, but he is, by far, the best thing that ever happened to me. It is my love of him that is so simple and easy. I worry at different times that we became a couple so late in life (not early teens or 20's), that we may run out of time. I know we all will run out of time, but our time together is so much shorter than others. We are not married, nor do I think we ever will, and I don't think that defines a relationship, although I love the idea of marriage. There is no indicator of when you're going to pass away, but I'm stuck with thoughts, that we just wont have enough time together. I've had these thoughts before, but the passing of Cute Boy's friend just makes them all the more prominent in my mind. Coming into a relationship later in life is a mixed bag of blessings and burdens. You know who you are. You know what you have to offer. You're not juvenile in your actions (hopefully) and you have made your peace with the history of relationships in your past. I'm still working on that last part. It is the blessing and the curse of knowing those things, but maybe not having the time to fully share all the love you have, for that one person that makes your life the wonderful gift it is.
My long run was yesterday. Time got away from me yesterday so I'm reporting in today. I think I should have posted right after my run. It would have been funny because of the runner's high, the frozen body and numb brain the censoring of my feelings would not have happened.
I woke up yesterday to snow. More than enough especially considering that I wasn't expecting snow. I know that is silly thinking. February in Ontario? I was thinking no snow? I was in denial as to the time of year. Ya, that's what it was.
I hit the street with my Garmin set, the ipod plugged in and layered up. I donned a Habs hat to keep my ears warm and off I went. I must say, perfect amount of clothing for the temperature. Ya me!
The first 20 minutes are always the toughest for me. I really struggle mentally with the magnitude of any run, short or long, until after the first 2o minutes, after that I got in to a bit of a groove. At 25 minutes it finally dawned on me, this is a LSD run, not a run that I'm fearful of being caught by a pack of rabid dogs. It was then that things REALLY started moving in the right direction.
I am very close to the city limits and could have taken my run city bound or more country bound. I chose to head out towards the open space, less traffic and prettier views. I really enjoyed being on the road and not being surrounded by the city sights and the basement surroundings while on the treadmill. There was time when I could smell the burning of wood from a wood stove, laundry being done and to see the beauty of an old dilapidated barn was wonderful. I heard my feet hitting on the crunch of small stones, a sound I love. It was a great run.
Now that I've painted the pretty picture of my run, I'll share the not so pretty of my outside run. There was nose secretions - gross I know, but so much a factor. There as the mud puddles that I tried so hard not to swim in, there was crossing the bridge and over the 401 highway - scary. Not to be forgotten the hill that leads over the 401, that I had to cross at 1h 7m of a 1h 20min. run. Not pretty either!
I came home a lovely mess to be greeted by Cute Boy and Daisy dog. That was the best part. Cute Boy was just starting his day and the coffee was brewing. After showing Cute Boy all my sweaty clothes, beeming with pride. I love those sweaty marks on my clothes. I share them like an honour badge, and to be completely honest, I shared the nose mucus on my pants too. I think all in all, it was a good run. I was wondering at times about the smarts of my decision to do this half marathon and taking it to the street, but to tell the truth, I felt so alive it's not to be believed. I loved the quiet of my thoughts even over the sounds of my ipod screaming in my ears. It was just me on the open road.
When I came to a particular spot in my return run home, I started running 15 second sprints. I read somewhere to do this to enable a strong finish. So, I'm a glutton for punishment, I did it. The point in my run that I saw Cute Boy's truck in the driveway, but still a distance from home, I couldn't find the words to tell you how proud I was of myself (not something I'll say often), but it was a sweet moment.
1h 20m, I ran 6.82mi/11.9K and felt amazing! Now if I could just figure out how to walk so that it didn't hurt quite so much. I thank each and every one of you for your support thus far.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 10:48 AM
An update of sorts to my Valentine's Day dismay. Cute Boy came through in a big way. I came home from work yesterday to a gift (Lady Antebellum CD) and a more Cute Boy-like card. It was a beautiful card, but even more beautiful was the handwritten note inside. It made me cry. Of course it made me cry. The best part of it was that it was so unexpected and made my heart smile.
It's Friday! Could it get any better? I think not.
I weighed in this morning with a 6/10th pound loss. I'll take it since I'm 4 days late with my period. I don't know what is going on with my period, but with this funky happening I'll take the loss.
My workouts (runs) last week were good. I earned a week high of 15 points - ya me!
I have my long run (80 minutes) scheduled for tomorrow and I'm working up the courage to take this gong show on the road - literally. I've been running, now building up to 3 hours per week and I've not been on the streets once. Seeing that the 1/2 marathon is not being run on a treadmill and on the actual roadways of Ottawa, I'd best build up my street cred.
I have small confession to make. I'm scared!
My eldest daughter has joined the gym. I may or may not have mentioned that in a previous post. I am so incredibly proud of her. I was talking to her last night about her gym going and the Yoga class she just finished. Queenie in a Yoga class - WOW!
So, not only has my beautiful daughter joined the gym, but she'd joined GoodLife. Oh, how I love GoodLife. I've had some of my most wonderful intense and successful workouts at GoodLife. After a time of cheating on GoodLife and joining Premiere, I would live without working out if Premiere were the only gym in town. It was one of the worst financial decisions I ever made. When I say that, it really means something because I've made a lot of financial mistakes in my times. Still do actually. That is what I'm weighing in my head right now, the possibility of making another financial mistake.
Queenie is able to get me a membership by signing up through her for $22.00 per month. That is insane! I pay more than that for a corporate rate offered at work. I just don't know if I would make it worth my while financially. I know I want to weight train, but would I use it enough to make it worthwhile? Am I just wanting it because I'm running more in preparation of the 1/2 marathon?
I want the arms I used to have. I want the shoulders I used to love see lift things and show wicked beautiful definition. I want the slimmer middle that was brought on by the weights I lifted and lifted with great intensity. Are all these wants enough to pay for themselves in $22.00 per month? In my head - yes. In reality - I just don't know.
Today is the start of Lent and in celebration I'm giving up Coke Zero.
I have developed quite an addiction to the Coke Zero, I have. I drink a minimum of one per day. I've been telling myself for quite some time that I have to cut back or cut out the Coke Zero an as any true addict, I kept putting it off until tomorrow. Tomorrow never seemed to come until yesterday.
Over the years I've given up Vachon Half Moons, Cappuccino from Tim Horton's, Milky Way Chocolate bars and many other things that I can't think of right now. It was always through Lent that I would break the addiction to whatever ridiculous food phase I was in. This year is going to be no different.
In other non-Lent related news, I got up and ran this morning before work. I know that is the norm for many, but not me. I got my 32 minute run in, just over 4K. I loved it. I mean I didn't love it when the alarm went off I was standing on the treadmill in what seemed like a fog, but I really did love it. 3AP's later and I felt like a million bucks. Work out done for the day and I'm so happy.
I got a work out DVD from the library. It is called Iron Yoga. I've never done a single move of Yoga in my entire life. I'm looking forward to this. When I'm in my fitness groove, I'm all about weights and balancing it with cardio, so I'm hoping this Yoga with small hand weight is right what I need.
I think that's all. Have a great day!
The craziness of what I'm attempting to do snuck up on me like a creeper in the night. I'm about ready to start my run. I've stretched. I've got the ipod in the ears. The water bottle is in it's place with a second close by. I look down at the treadmill screen that has my training program propped in front. I see 72 minutes. I hear this voice in my head say, "What were you thinking? You can't do this". It was so loud and clear. I let her chatter on for a bit and then, seriously I hear another voice in my head say, "Shut up bitch". I swear to the sky, I'm not crazy. It was the weirdest moment ever. I turned on the treadmill and I ran that bitch to the ground!
I ran for 1 hour 12 minutes and 9K later (wanted 10K), I'm done my run for the day. I ran to the serenade of Keith Urban telling me, he'd Hit the Ground Running and the Southern Voice of Tim McGraw. There was some JT Bringin' Sexy Back and some Black Eyed Peas Meeting Me Half Way. I had some rappin' Bounce along for the ride and Nelly Ridin' Wit' Me. All in all, I had great company on my run today. All the company and hotness that was streaming from my ipod drown out that negative nelly in my head.
I know this training is long from over and as much as there are times ahead of me that I will struggle and times that I will persevere through the negative chatter I am so happy to be on this journey. It's not always about the finishing time, although I want to do well with my time, it's more about what I'm learning about myself. I can stomp out the chatter, put my mind to something and do it. I'm a very driven person for the most part, but I do fall victim to not being sure I am capable. Today, I feel capable.
So, bitch, TAKE THAT!
Have a great day and be kind to those around you.
I weighed in this morning with a 1lb loss. How the heck that happened I have no idea. I ended the week 53 points in the hole. I dieted on KFC and DQ ice cream cake in honour of Queenie's birthday over the past week. I was not expecting this loss, not one bit, but I will take it and be happy with the overall loss of 7lbs total since I've recommited to being accountable to my body.
I've been playing around with the idea of eating clean. I really want to, but I know I lack the commitment and the time to make it really work for me. As much as I am not embracing the clean eating entirely I'm working towards eating cleaner if not more often than not.
I spend way too much time assembling my newest food addiction so I decided to finally get smart and pre-made 5 containers. Without further adieu, my newest addiction.... overnight oats.
So, last night it was a gathering of the minds. Crazy minds that is. Mary came over to visit Pam and I as she will do from time to time. It is always a blast. Never a moment not filled with laughter and good times. It was like old times that Pam and I used to share, but with the wonderful addition of Mary. We had Timmy's tea with chocolate vitamuffins for snack. Good times. Good food.
Last nights get together was for the sole purpose of getting Mary moving on her stitching. Well, Mary made progress alright. Look at what she did last night. Be proud, I am! LOL
So, I've been reading a lot of blogs lately, not that reading the blogs is anything new, but the topic is what has me here questioning and wondering.
Tis the season of the running. Marathon training, half marathon training. It's like when you're pregnant all you see is pregnant women kind of blog entries. Seems as though everyone, or most everyone is talking about running, pushing, learning and training for one thing or another. Maybe it's always been there, but now that I'm training for my own half marathon I'm more aware. Anyway, I ramble.
What I'm questioning is the following things:
I've noticed that a lot of people are so quick to say, "I'm really slow, yada yada yada". What is really important is that they took the time and effort to run. Period. Speed will come with time and with that time a huge commitment to this thing we do - run.
I do love to see the entries of other runners when they share their time and distance. Tiff and Bre and Amy to name a few. Sorry girls for not linking. It's late and I'm tired. The times they share give me a benchmark for where I am and a place that I may, some day be. They share their times in a matter of fact way, not in a manner that is dismissive to themselves or in a way that makes me think I'm coming up short or slow.
Does any of what I've just ranted and rambled about make sense?
There is a bit of a story to this post. Robin, from Saudia Arabia, by way of New Hampshire has been sending me New York Yankee gifts for years now, by way of Velda.
This year things took a turn for the different because of Velda's diagnosis and this year's gift took an even longer time to arrive. It went from Robin, to New York via Margaret, via Tina who was in the U.S. and then in Canada visiting Velda. I hope I got the story right. Those that are involved the trafficking of my grass (Yankee grass, not weed grass), that may read my blog correct any mistakes I may have made.
So, there is the back story of my grass. However it got to me, I couldn't be happier. I am now the proud owner of Yankee grass courtesy of Robin, another die-hard Yankee fan.
I love having Queenie home for the weekend, I really do. Honestly, it has been the best time, the time I've spent with her, but for one thing. Since it's her birthday tomorrow, 19 y.o., and I'm really struggling with what to get her for her birthday, we've been shopping.
I usually give the girls somewhere in the vicinity of $100 for their birthday. Queenie wanted money and needed clothes, so we decided to to clothing shopping and then what wasn't spent on clothing the rest would be cash. I know she needs it, but it breaks my heart that birthday money would be spend on necessities not fun. She seems okay with it but makes me sad.
I'm getting sidetracked. Sorry. Anyway, while out shopping I stumbled upon these little lovelies.....
for $8.50 I couldn't resist. They aren't the quality of the shoe like the boot I posted just the other day, but the amount I will wear them, they don't have to be.
I will not be wearing them much, especially not until after May. I don't stumble on heels a lot, but the last thing I to do right now is wrench an ankle while training for my half. It would be a major setback and be a devastating blow to my mental state!
New shoes are fun. There is a reason, as I try to cut my debt and spending that I don't hit the malls often. Hmmmmm, you would agree that is a smart approach. I need to be back in my routine because I'm broke and there are too many shoes out there. I seriously meant to write sales, not shoes, but apparently it's the shoes that are my weakness!
Queenie, I had a wonderful weekend with you and I really will (already do) miss you bunches!
Here is a little peek-a-boo of a newly acquired pretty
Knowing me as you do, any ideas pop in to mind? If you thought boots, you'd be right. I couldn't resist. I know I'm weak. Please forgive me!
I was out shopping with Queenie last night and came upon these lovelies. They are regularly $130.00 and I snagged them for 42.00 - that is taxes included! Aren't they purdy??? I don't have a clue what I'm going to wear them with, but I just had to have them. I didn't really have to have them in a life saving sort of way, but I fell in to the mindset of them being such a good deal why not sorta thinking! I'm bad I know.
I was just whining about worrying about money and a part time job I don't really want to do, a daughter going to college and I'm out buying boots I don't need. Buyer remorse shoo away.
They are pretty though, don't ya think?
I've had some time to calm down, thankfully. I got some news today about my ex-husband. I don't always post about the stupidity of his life or his decisions, but this one has me so damn angry I was actually crying today. I haven't cried in so long, it's just so annoying to me to be doing so now. I'm so fed up with him and his irresponsibility and immaturity. What could he have done now that has me so angry, you ask? Wait for it.... you'll never guess!
He bought a damn horse! Yes, a horse. He is a horse's ass. Of that much I'm certain.
I have, and I say *I*, not we because as of this moment I no longer consider him their father, but the sperm donor. , I have 2 daughters in the midst of major life changes that he should be helping them with. Walk out on your marriage and the responsibility of that marriage, but not on your children. I guess buying a horse is more important than the current needs of a daughter about to venture in to post secondary education.
There are many things I could, and want so much to say right now about him and his situation, but I can't do it. The ramifications of my airing my dirty laundry in such a public venue could come back to bite me in my horse's ass, so I'll not do it. I just hope that the justice he so deserves presents itself and I am rewarded for my patience in this situation and that his turn to pay up actually happens.
I can't help but imagine what it feels like for my girls to know that their needs don't come before that of a horse or the cat, the dog, the iguana or the cages of birds that their father and his 'wife' currently own. It breaks my heart to know that they have been cast aside. I'm hesitant to put these words out there because from time to time my children read this blog. Being that this is my 'dumping ground mentally and emotionally", is going to be the prodding that I need to get this crap out of my head.
The question is when will the justice be done? Will it ever be done? Will my children ever get the compensation that is owed to them? Owed to me?
I'm sitting here working at a second job that I don't, in all honesty want to be doing, so I can send my girls money for food, buy them things they can't otherwise afford and to pay off debt, that I created, but making money that I should by rights have from his responsibilities, but no.... a horse's ass is a horse's ass buying a horse. Go figure... may the shit on his shoe keep him secure in his new house..... hopefully one day soon the big house... as in the big house. Oh, I hate when I feel vindictive.
Posted by Tammy Smart at 7:53 PM
I just got off the phone with Queenie! She just got her e-mail of acceptance to St. Lawrence College! I'm so happy for her. I can't even begin to imagine how she must feel.
I had the quickest of conversations with her and in the short conversation, she made me laugh so much. She had a really cute take on the past month. She had been without a job for about 6 weeks and getting by with the little bits of money I could send her and with help from a friend of hers that she is staying with. Yesterday, she got a job that she starts this coming Monday and today she got her college acceptance letter.
When I was talking to her last night, I had said to her, "See never give up. You never know how things can turn around in a single day." Her response, Yeah really. What a twist. I've got whip lash." In the span of 24 hours, Queenie has a job and a college admission. I am over the moon proud of her. It has been no easier for me, watching her struggle and find her way in this crazy life of hers! It was only Saturday night that I was struggling with questions about my decisions and my contributions to the craziness of this life. Funny, how things turn around, eh!
Now to start with the attempt of saving money to help pay for this new adventure of Queenie. I can see the debt payments not going down as quickly as I would like now. All for the greater good of the kid!
Queenie, I know there are times you read my blog, and this is for you: From the bottom of my heart, I love you! I couldn't be prouder of you than I am this very minute. You've come a long way, baby! You're on your way now. The future is yours and you have the power to make this life, your life, amazing! MWAH. Love you, sweetie xoxoxo