Thursday, September 18, 2008

Some Days

Some days are a mixed bag of everything and anything.

I should be in bed. I should be in bed, but I also know this is something I have to get off my chest, out of my head and free from my thoughts.

I've had a day of so many emotions that I know the thought of sleep is just that, a thought. I just got home from hanging out with one of the most amazing women I've ever the honour of knowing and loving! My Miss Mary.

You see, Miss Mary used to be married to my cousin and is no longer. It has been years that Mary and I have been developing our friendship,. Our friendship really took hold when her marriage fell apart. It was through our e-mails, mine of support to her, that I saw in a more clear light, what an incredible woman my cousin let slip through his fingers. It is with great honour I can call this incredible woman my friend. I could go on and on singing her praises and Mary being Mary would let me too.

I come from an extremely dysfunctional family and it breaks my heart on many levels. I talk about it only to those I'm closest to because it is just too painful to have to deal with at the best of times. This is not the best of times.

I've not been close to my grandmother for quite some time because of the family dysfunction. I've been estranged from my father and his wife for 9 years now. As much as I tried to keep the problems with my father from spilling over into other areas of my life, it just couldn't be. My grandmother became too involved trying to mend the relationship with her son and granddaughter and using my daughter's as the instrument. It was then I had to step away from the situation. There needed to be some distance to save my children from becoming a pawn in a drama beyond their comprehension. This estrangement with my father is so very sad and something I've tried, to no avail, to fix numerous times over the last 9 years. My daughters have tried and I have tried. It was a few years ago that I just developed the approach of indifference to the situation. That isn't something I'm proud of, but in the interest of trying to protect my heart, and shield my children, I had to turn it off to a degree.

For the now. My grandmother has been admitted to hospital. Mary and I went to visit her this evening. I felt like I was an emotional cheater in having Mary with me when I went to see my grandmother after such a long time away. There gets to be a point that a change needs to be made and someone needs to step up to the plate and take a swing a making it better. That is what Mary and I did this evening. I know I could have never done it without her (in case you're reading - I love you).

I walked in to that hospital room with my heart beating out of my chest, sweating palms and shaky knees. It was insane. I took one look at my grandmother asleep in that bed and the tears just started rolling. My grandmother was asleep and we were just going to write a note to let her know we where there, until the nurse came in and spoke which woke my grandmother. When she saw Mary and I together she just about jumped out of her bed which is no easy feat from a woman in her condition. Hugs all around and a few more tears. I was really struggling with the words, so Mary, bless her soul, just chattered away as though she'd just seen my grandmother yesterday.

My grandmother advised me really early on in the visit that my father would be there to visit in about a half hour. I wasn't there to see anyone but her, so that my father would come visit too, was just the way it would have to be. True to form, my dad showed up when expected. Now, I don't cut my dad a lot of slack, but I have to say, I felt for him at that moment. He had no idea we were going to be there until he walked around the curtain. My dad and I were in the same room with one another for 45 minutes. That very well may be the longest we've been in one another's company since this whole mess started. Mary summed it up best by saying, "It was like an Uncle/Niece conversation not Father/Daughter".

Leaving my grandmother was tough, but taking the first step was tougher. I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I had the opportunity to do it. I am glad to have had Mary with me.

The night ended with Mary and I going for dinner at The Lonestar and catching up with one another's lives. I love this girl like you can't even know. I am truly blessed that my cousin married her to bring her in to my life. He may have let her slip away, but I wont.

I love you, girl!

With my head and heart unloaded, I'm off to bed.

Sweet dreams.

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