Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Mirror Doesn't Lie

There are so many times throughout my day, I think, I should blog this or that. This morning I sit in front of this computer screen with thoughts screaming inside my head and I'm at a loss at properly forming them. It's nuts, really.

My previous post, on Friday night, had me saying to hell with weighing in and all that.... not smart and I knew it at the time. I just didn't want to be faced with my poor food choices and lack of activity showing up on the scale. I'm so disgusted with myself, I feel as though I'm going to have a crying meltdown right here and now. I went to bed last night with the commitment of weighing in this morning firmly planted in my head! Weighed in and the crying feeling is still hovering overhead. I feel every bit as heavy as the 137.8lb indicated on the scale. This is my highest weight in 2.5 years. This is pretty much what I weighed when I first started dating Cute Boy.

Part of my resolution to weigh in this morning is that I saw myself, sideways in a store front mirror yesterday. I thought I looked pretty good when I left the house or I would never have considered leaving the house wearing what I had on. When I caught a glimpse of myself in that mirror, it caused a mental gasp! I not kidding anyone. I look like shit and look like I have the beginning of a baby belly. I'm well past my baby birthing years! Trust me on that one.

I pulled an emotional meltdown when I got home from said shopping trip. I ate and ate and ate. If I was going to look pregnant, I was going to eat like I was then too. This emotional eating may have seen the insertion of the following foods in to my pie hole:

  • those pink wafer cookies that are dirt cheap and all waxy tasting - too many to count
  • turkey pepperette
  • 100 calorie ice cream sandwich
  • grapes by the handful
  • a sensible dinner - pork chop, green beans and brown whole wheat rice
Then hungry monster again
  • potato chips
  • full fat root beer (the box is finally empty)

The above food is from about 4pm to 10pm. This in no way comes close to the food consumed when on the shopping trip to the states, that did include a Corona light with lunch, a stop at Tim Horton's that wasn't just for tea, but a french vanilla cappuccino and donut and a Starbucks stop on the way home from the states. I ate enough food for a family of 4 in one single day. Gross!

I started this year weighing in at 135.8 to my lowest of the year 129.8 to my highest this week of 137.8. Why do I torture myself like I do? I know how to eat better than I do, I just don't do it like I should. What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. I'm tired of fighting with this same 10-20lbs.

On this note, I am probably going to refrain from posting many WI results or weight thought filled posts. My mental state is too negative and that isn't fair to the few readers I do have, so in light of that.... this will be a stitching (imagine that!), reading, and life blog for a bit. I just am so disappointed in myself and who needs a negative nelly all up in your face with her thoughts!


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