Swoon

Oh it's going to be a good day.

Cute Boy and I very seldom overlap in the morning. I'm usually walking out the door as he's getting out of bed. Maybe that is a very good thing. I don't think my heart or blood pressure could take mornings like today on a regular basis.

Cute Boy is up at a different time for a few days this week for CDT (combat defensive training) which is being held out of town, so he is up a half hour earlier. I was just doing my thing getting ready and I see the most wonderful sight for poor-5am-tired-eyes. Cute Boy walking by the bathroom wearing his cargo blue work pants. OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!! I got to ogle him walking to the front door to get the paper and then when he was walking by again heading back to the kitchen. All the while I'm sticking my head out the bathroom door watching him walk down the hall.

A few minutes later we are both in the kitchen, and unbeknownst to him, as he's puttering around I'm spinning circles behind him the entire time we are in the kitchen together. Each time catching sly glimpses of his lovely blue cargo's, or better yet his rear end in those blue cargo's. I was giggling like a lovesick schoolgirl.

As we are walking out the door, I say to him, "Oh, it's going to be a good day. Thank you". Of course, he asks me why and I tell him that I love his cargo pants and that it's been way too long since I've seen him in them. He knows exactly why I'm loving the cargo pants. I get this, out-of-the-corner-of-his-eye-look and a smile. Good byes are said and we part with a kiss.

It is going to be a very good day!

Sciatic Sadness

I hate this, I really do.

My sciatic nerve is acting up again. I can't believe it. I'm so very sad.

I've been in denial for the last couple weeks and have to finally admit to myself that the sciatic nerve is rearing it's ugly head again. I was sitting on the couch last night in excruciating pain. I was almost in tears, but fought them back. Tears are not going to make it better. I'm feeling the tinges of pain in various areas of my day to day functions. I get nasty aches in my left hip, so much so that I wake up in pain. I feel a dull/sharp shooting pain in my left calf shooting from my hip. I can feel the stiffness setting in after a day sitting at work. I try to move around a bit more than normal. That is often easier said than done. This job is too unpredictable to be up walking around. Not to mention that I think my coworkers would get a bit annoyed if I were to become a slacker.

I'm pissed. It's been a hellish week and this admission doesn't make it any better. Life is good, but things are just happening around me that I can't control. The control freak in me is not happy!

I'm not going to let this stop me. I'm not hitting the gym with the intensity that I'm accustomed and I want to still be able to go to the gym, so I'm going to continue on but just not overdo it. I don't ALWAYS feel the pain when on the treadmill, but after, especially if I really push it. It's always something, isn't it? I guess that's what happens when you're knocking on the door of 40 years old.

On that note, have a great one!

Then...

I remember trying not to stare

the night that I first met you,

you had me mesmerized,

And three weeks weeks later,

in the front porch light,

taking 45 minutes just to kiss goodnight.

I hadnt told you then,

that I loved you then,

And now you're my whole life,

And now youre my whole world,

And I just cant believe the way I feel about you girl,

Like a river needs the sea, Stronger than its ever been,

We've come so far since that day,

And I thought I loved you then

I remember taking you back to where I first met you,

You were so surprised

There were people around, but I didnt care,

I got down on one knee right there,

and once again

I thought I loved you then,

And now you're my whole life,

And now you're my whole world,

And I just cant believe the way I feel about you girl,

Like a river needs the sea, Stronger than its ever been,

We've come so far since that day,

And I thought I loved you then

I can just see you, with a baby on the way

I can just see you, when your hair is turning gray

What I cant see is how I'm ever gonna love you more

But I've said that before

Now your my whole life

Now your my whole world

I just cant believe the way I feel about you girl,

We'll look back someday at this moment

And I'll look at you and say

And I thought I loved you then

And I thought I loved you then

~~~~~~~~~

Awwww!!!!

Weight In Wonder

So, I've secretly been dreading today pretty much all week.

It has been one heck of a willy nilly eatfest since last Friday night about 5:30pm. I can't be certain on the amount of drinks I consummed nor the number of cupcakes. Damn you Tom and Michelle! :) The wings and beer on Saturday night were no great step in healthy eating. The lack of water is never good. 1 trip to the gym was all I managed.

Looking at the above eating list and lack of activity and you can easily understand why I'd be apprehensive about my WI this morning. Jump on the scale. Jump off the scale. Back on the scale. Off the scale. Remove the battery, reinsert. Back on the scale. Stop the insanity - it is down 2lbs. Live with it already.

I give up in trying to know what to expect from this lovely body of mine. I'm just going to try and be smart about this week and see what comes Friday. Oh, I already know part of Friday's gift - TOM!!

I'm off to putter around now before work!

Have a great day!

Why Do I Do What I Do?

That would be the brick wall that is currently being used as an object of unlimited pain. I've been beating my head against it since my appointment with the plastic surgeon.

I've tried letting go of the dream and it's not working. I know many have said that it may come at another time for me. I'm trying to keep that in mind, but it's a challenge. Since the appointment I've been even more obsessed and I'm not doing a good job at all of letting go. I've called the surgeon's office to get a breakdown of the cost, which follows

Implant Fee - 1800.00

Doctor's Fee - 3000.00

Anaesthetic - 425.00

Hospital Services - 900.00 (4-6 weeks post op)

Total Price $6125.

Talking to the surgeon's secretary, she advised me to call my insurance company to see if there is any part of the fees they would cover. I know better. Of course, they don't cover any part of it.

When talking with the receptionist she told me if I make my decision in the next couple days she could schedule me in for the end of June! Seriously??? It is good to be informed, I know. It is bad to be too informed.

My biggest worry is that I'm starting to be overly obsessive about this. I cry easily at the thoughts of what could have been. I don't often do 'what ifs', although right now, you'd not know that. Last night I went home and I was the only one there and I find myself filling up a baggie with salt to do the measurement to see what CC is best for my body size. I'm walking around the house with salt bags in my workout shirt and crying. Okay, holy shit, get a grip already!

Anyway, that is my most recent update to where I am mentally with my girls!

Tommy Boy, Tommy Boy, Over Here

The amazing Amy is giving away this sweet prize. Her first ever blog give away and it is awesome! She definitely went the thought of, "Go Big or Go Home".

Not only is her prize super awesome and incredibly generous, but she is totally awesome too. If you're at all of the mind that you want to live a healthier lifestyle or eat healthier, this a blog read for you.

S-S-S-Sexy

You Are Very Sexy

Damn! You are one hot number. You have a lot of sex appeal. You know you're sexy, and you're not afraid to put it all out there. And while you're very appealing, you're careful not to be trashy or over the top. Sexy is all about attitude. And you totally have the attitude that people love. How You Are Sexy You are flirtatious and fun with most people. You know how to keep things light, friendly, and sexy. You wear sexy underwear, and that's definitely hot. Feeling sexy is important to being sexy, even if no one knows what's underneath your clothes. You are open to all sorts of experiences, and you have a taste for the exotic. Your adventurous spirit is very sexy. You are friendly and outgoing, even to people who don't deserve it. Your positive body language makes you even sexier.

Are You Sexy?

Thanks, Chris! LOL

Cute Boy Comments

I Heart Cute Boy!

There are times when it seems all I do is rail about one thing or another that has transpired between us. This time I'm changing it up and telling you how incredible and generous he is. I will not get in to specifics of it all, but I'm super impressed with his thoughtfulness and generosity. I'm not 100% if I will take his offer. Just knowing he offered does my heart good.

As up and down as life can be from one day to the next, I'm learning as I go. I am truly blessed!

It's Been Quite The Day

I don't even know where to begin. Truth be told I've been fighting the urge to post this blog entry all day. Do it, don't do it. Do it, don't do it. Well, you can see which option won out.

I know this entry is going to come under some scrutiny (sorry Cathey)! I love you and I value your opinions and experiences, but I'm just trying to follow my own path.... sort of!

I had an appointment today with a plastic surgeon for a consultation for breast augmentation. I submitted the request for a consultation/referral in November 1995. It has taken me this long to see the doctor because my family doctor (the retired ass) had an incorrect address on my file (2 of them, actually). I did update every time I moved. I got a phone call about 3 weeks ago in regards to this appointment and have been excited and apprehensive ever since. Part of my annoyance with my retired doctor is that at certain points over the last 3+ years, I would have been able to afford this procedure. To know it was doable is just beyond heartbreaking.

The sad part for me is that no matter what the doctor said today, I know I can't go forward at this point and time because I can't afford to at the moment, nor does it appear to be any different in the foreseeable future.

I was almost tempted to cancel my appointment, but I didn't. I figured if it took me this long to get the appointment I might as well keep it. The resident (student doctor) and the staff doctor were both awesome when I apologized for what I felt like was a waste of their time.

I was informed by the Plastic surgeon, that my age, health and physique make me a perfect candidate for augmentation. We talked size, silicone or saline, under pectoral muscle or over (I'm more suited to over), nipple sensation and numerous other things. I was very impressed with the doctor's manner and how he dealt with me. He told me everything I wanted to hear and then some!

Off he goes and on come the tears. I could barely get dressed for the tears streaming down my face. I pulled it together enough to get through the room of waiting patients and to my car. Once in the safety of my car, I was a freaking mess. I don't know how long I sat in my car crying my eyes out. My own financial stupidity is what is the problem. I was thisclose to getting what I've always wanted and for my own stupid financial miscues and carelessness, I'm missing out.

I've heard most every negative comment that can be thrown at me for a reason why I don't want this, and why I shouldn't want it. It doesn't change that fact that I do want it and I've made it virtually impossible to get it! Stupid stupid stupid!

That being said, and the segue being made that I've made a mess of my finances, I'm starting to look for a part time job. I need something that can work around my 1 week days, 1 week nights. I'm off every weekend, so I'm hoping that will help some. I know, if I'm able to secure a part time job, a portion of my money will be spent on Princess' cabs to and from work, but other than that the money can be directly applied to my current debt load! I've applied for a 2 jobs already tonight, 1 full time and 1 part time. The full time, I don't expect to get, but did explain my work schedule so if they're flexible it might be possible. The part time appeared more flexible, which I would expect. It is for the Tommy Hilfiger outlet here in town. Who knows. One thing I do know... I've made a financial mess of my life and being an adult sucks big time! Wish me luck!

Oh, and in case you're wondering the part time job has nothing to do with not having the money for an augmentation. The part time job thought started a few days ago when I realized I'm not keeping up with my life financially. Something needs to change, my spending and my money coming in if I'm ever going to see the light at the end of the financial tunnel.

MWAH!!!

Baseball, BOY and Booze

It's been ages since I've blogged. Sorry. Life has been crazy. Things have been busy, as always and I see no end in sight. Matter of fact things will only get busier in the very near future. My (our) baseball season will be starting within the next month. That is a minimum of 2-3 games per week.

This evening Cute Boy and I are hosting our open season ball party. We have a bunch of new players this year, so we are hoping to have an ice breaker to ease into the get to know you phase off the field. As far as I know, we have 5 others coming, then Cute Boy and myself. It promises to be fun.

I woke up this morning and wasn't really feeling the party spirit. After some discussion with Krista about the party and life, I'm looking forward to it, very much forward to it.

A bit of an update in other aspects of my life. Point form to keep it clean and quick.

• Cute Boy and I are finally in a better place. Took the sadness to the edge and we are working our way back to a healthy happy place. When things with him are good, they are great. That gives me lots of hope.

• Having some issues with Princess that have broken my heart a wee bit. I hope for time to pass the issues. These particular issues showed me on the couch gorging on a bag of mini eggs and tortilla chips. Can you say sugar sodium induced food coma?

• Spent a wonderful Easter celebration in Cornwall with Cute Boy's family. Had an over abundance of Newfie food. It was heavenly in a purely food obsession sorta way.

• Have not bounced back from the Easter weekend food binge and the scale made it abundantly obvious this morning. There was no love to be found for either of us. Damn it!

The party tonight will not be a healthy girl type of event, but something I am whole heartily looking forward to. I love the people that I already know that will be in attendance and look forward to meeting the newest members of our team. I can already feel the hurt of my sides from the laughter.

My pledge is to have fun, but I don't commit to behaving! There will be pics! I promise!!

Much love to you and your patience with my infrequent posting!

I'm Stoked!

I knew it! I knew it ! I knew it!

I've always known it, not to put it to practice on a consistent basis. Yes, K-Pow I do and can accept myself for who I am, but a little push is not a bad thing. I just need to control the obsessing, I know.

I couldn't be happier to read in this month's Oxygen magazine this little tidbit of information:

A new Brazilian study shows that pairing strength training with a treadmill run expends more energy (hello, burned calories!) and increases aerobic capacity more than an equally long weight training circuit alone. Translation? If you want the fat to sizzle, you've got to stick to both.

~ Journal of Sports Medicine and Physical Fitness

This is what I did in the past that worked so well. I know if I can at least find a portion of the time dedicated then, now, I'll see some success. My obsessive tendencies aside, I can do this. I'm not looking for accolades, I'm just stoked!

Picking Cotton - Our Memoir of Injustice and Redemption

Be warned - this book contains some graphic descriptions of a woman being raped. I apologize if my posting this book or review hurts you in any way. Please know that was never my intent.




Picking Cotton is an incredibly moving book. It shows the power of forgiveness and the resilience of the human spirit.

During the reading of this book, I was faced with many mixed emotions. I was reading at one point while relaxing in the tub, only to realize that tears were coursing down my cheeks. I was comforted to know the outcome before reading, although I'm not sure if that really did help in how I reacted. Heartbreaking for a bit and then hopeful, to only be heartbroken again.

The courage shown by both the accused and accuser is tremendous! My heart goes out to them both!

Wildflower Rhapsody - 70 hours

Before - 65 hours

It has been ages since I've worked on this piece and updated. I spent a relaxing weekend at home from Friday night until late Sunday night. This quiet time allowed for me to log some stitching hours. 5 to be exact.

I'm stitching this piece as a retirement gift for a woman at work. She isn't due to retire for many years yet, but I figured I'd best get to focusing on this piece and get it finished. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

This is the progress as of 70 hours. It boggles my brain that I've accomplished that much stitching in what seems like a short period of time. It seems every time I touch the needle I'm changing floss colours. The insanity of it all!

As with every other post, the feeling stay the same. Thanks for always being here!

It's Starting To Click

I'm a little bit amazed.

I was talking with my friend Pam yesterday about WW and losing weight. I had mentioned that I weighed in with a STS and all things considered I was okay with that. That is huge for me. The week was a painful one in regards to food and lack of being physical. I'm just starting TOM so that I don't show a big gain is an accomplishment in itself.

While talking with Pam about my current weight, she brought to my attention that since I've been working out (even minimally in the beginning) and honestly following WW again, her calculations have me at somewhere near 10lbs lost.

I was just going over this conversation in my head, not too long ago. I figured I should see just how much I have lost. In the last month, first Friday of March to yesterday, I've lost 7.4lbs. Holy shit. I was watching the numbers go down or stay the same, but didn't realize I was putting together a combined loss of near to 10lbs. If it hadn't been for Pam mentioning it to me I'd be none the wiser. No wonder I feel so much better lately (minus the emotional mess of earlier in the week).

The wanna-be-statistician in me fails this test. I know I'm doing things differently. I'm eating better, watching my portions closer and working out more. I just wasn't putting it all together. That is so unlike me. Could it be that I'm just getting used to doing what I do? That would be a wonderful development in this weight loss journey and healthier lifestyle.

Putting This Puppy To Bed

March Distance - 32.5KM
Distance Remaining - 67.8KM

I'm down to 67.8KM left to go. I've been doing this challenge for a very long time. Much longer than I would have liked. That is typical for me though.

I want to hit the end of this challenge by the end of April. Come hell or high water I will get this done one way or another. 26 days left in the month of April (starting tomorrow) works out to an average of 2.6K every day for the duration. I can do this. That really is only 2+ walks per day with the doogie! I can do this.

4 - 3.1K
5 -
6 -
7 -
8 -
9 -
10 - 3.2K
11 -
12 -
13 -
14 -
15 -
16 -
17 -
18 -
19 -
20 -
21 -
22 - 4.4K - what a pathetic showing this month so far
23 -
24 -
25 - 5.8K felt great
26 -
27 -
28 -
29 -
30 -

Hiatus Revisited

I realize now, of all times, is not the time to take a break from blogging. Some times I don't know what it is that runs through my head. When times are tough I get all up in my head and shut down. Those closest to me know this, most usually see it and try to circumvent the situation. I brush off the offers of socializing in favour of staying home and wallowing in my own negative or worried head space. It's an ugly pattern and something I am trying to working toward changing.

It is known by some, that my most recent issues are related to Cute Boy and my issues in and around our relationship. Without going in to great amounts of detail, I will say that I'm not entirely at fault in my concerns about our future. In my past relationship I would have completely taken the blame for the issues, but not this one. Our issues are our issues, not mine and not his.

I don't really know how to get out the words that are floating in my head, so this entry so far is very 'all over the map' in it's composure. I'm trying to figure things out about the dynamic of my relationship. Where is it, where it's going and all things in between.

My history with my ex-husband are starting to make themselves front and center in how I'm dealing day to day with issues in my current relationship. My heart hurts at the thought that I'm letting FN experiences colour how I handle things with Cute Boy. Everyone in any most any relationship will fight or disagree at one time or another. When Cute Boy and I do, it is the end of the world for me. I'm automatically thinking this is the end of our relationship, we're breaking up, we're not going to make it. It's a very fatalistic view, not to mention mentally and physically exhausting for me and I'm sure my network of support (you know who you are) One particular friend has called it hard and straight up... I'm using up my "friend moments and she is tired of it too"

When Cute Boy and I get along it is incredible and I do believe in my heart of hearts we are good for each other. Our major issue, I think, and I could be wrong is our communicating. I communicate for a living and I think I'm superior to his communicating. That would be when I communicate, because when I get scared or whatever when we disagree I internalize and shut down. I don't do it as a punishment to him. It is done as a protective-thought-invoking manner that helps me process things. I try very hard to think before I speak to him so as not to say something I can't take back. Cute Boy's approach is to holler and fly from the hip and say things he may intend to say, but maybe not mean in a way that it comes out. That hurts me and I revert in to myself all the more and this in turn makes the chasm that much deeper. It is a bad cycle and one that has repeated itself a few times in our short history of 7 months living together.

There is no question that my love for this man is deep and true, as is his for me. I love him in the simplest of ways. How is it that I have an easier time telling the Internet how I feel than saying the words to him. What does that say about me? Am I as good a communicator as I seem to think I am or do I just talk a lot? He and I have been right here right now before and things got better for a while and we fell back in to the same pattern.

I think for my part in the equation I am going to go back to counselling. It is unreasonable that I'm panicking all the time at the issues that present themselves in my day to day life with Cute Boy. I hate the idea of counselling again, but I look forward to the discovery of what is troubling me and the ability to fix me. I'm not saying that I'm responsible for all things wrong, but maybe I can have a more positive approach to negative things when I'm educated on what it is that is making me feel the way I do.

I don't know how to properly thank you for the support you've shown and continue to show. You are an incredible group. I'm truly blessed in knowing you're in my corner and want only what is best for me and my future.

Big hugs!

Taking A Few Days

Things here are swirling and I'm spinning right along with them. I had been in a pretty good pace with consistent posting about certain things. It didn't seem right to just fall away and not let you know I'm doing so.

I will be back. Not sure when I'll have my blogging mojo in fine working order, or my gym updates (if there is anything to update). Hang in there if you will and if you don't, I guess we were never really meant to be.

Big hugs!