Monday, April 20, 2009

It's Been Quite The Day

I don't even know where to begin. Truth be told I've been fighting the urge to post this blog entry all day. Do it, don't do it. Do it, don't do it. Well, you can see which option won out.

I know this entry is going to come under some scrutiny (sorry Cathey)! I love you and I value your opinions and experiences, but I'm just trying to follow my own path.... sort of!

I had an appointment today with a plastic surgeon for a consultation for breast augmentation. I submitted the request for a consultation/referral in November 1995. It has taken me this long to see the doctor because my family doctor (the retired ass) had an incorrect address on my file (2 of them, actually). I did update every time I moved. I got a phone call about 3 weeks ago in regards to this appointment and have been excited and apprehensive ever since. Part of my annoyance with my retired doctor is that at certain points over the last 3+ years, I would have been able to afford this procedure. To know it was doable is just beyond heartbreaking.

The sad part for me is that no matter what the doctor said today, I know I can't go forward at this point and time because I can't afford to at the moment, nor does it appear to be any different in the foreseeable future.

I was almost tempted to cancel my appointment, but I didn't. I figured if it took me this long to get the appointment I might as well keep it. The resident (student doctor) and the staff doctor were both awesome when I apologized for what I felt like was a waste of their time.

I was informed by the Plastic surgeon, that my age, health and physique make me a perfect candidate for augmentation. We talked size, silicone or saline, under pectoral muscle or over (I'm more suited to over), nipple sensation and numerous other things. I was very impressed with the doctor's manner and how he dealt with me. He told me everything I wanted to hear and then some!

Off he goes and on come the tears. I could barely get dressed for the tears streaming down my face. I pulled it together enough to get through the room of waiting patients and to my car. Once in the safety of my car, I was a freaking mess. I don't know how long I sat in my car crying my eyes out. My own financial stupidity is what is the problem. I was thisclose to getting what I've always wanted and for my own stupid financial miscues and carelessness, I'm missing out.

I've heard most every negative comment that can be thrown at me for a reason why I don't want this, and why I shouldn't want it. It doesn't change that fact that I do want it and I've made it virtually impossible to get it! Stupid stupid stupid!

That being said, and the segue being made that I've made a mess of my finances, I'm starting to look for a part time job. I need something that can work around my 1 week days, 1 week nights. I'm off every weekend, so I'm hoping that will help some. I know, if I'm able to secure a part time job, a portion of my money will be spent on Princess' cabs to and from work, but other than that the money can be directly applied to my current debt load! I've applied for a 2 jobs already tonight, 1 full time and 1 part time. The full time, I don't expect to get, but did explain my work schedule so if they're flexible it might be possible. The part time appeared more flexible, which I would expect. It is for the Tommy Hilfiger outlet here in town. Who knows. One thing I do know... I've made a financial mess of my life and being an adult sucks big time! Wish me luck!

Oh, and in case you're wondering the part time job has nothing to do with not having the money for an augmentation. The part time job thought started a few days ago when I realized I'm not keeping up with my life financially. Something needs to change, my spending and my money coming in if I'm ever going to see the light at the end of the financial tunnel.


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