Thursday, April 02, 2009

Hiatus Revisited

I realize now, of all times, is not the time to take a break from blogging. Some times I don't know what it is that runs through my head. When times are tough I get all up in my head and shut down. Those closest to me know this, most usually see it and try to circumvent the situation. I brush off the offers of socializing in favour of staying home and wallowing in my own negative or worried head space. It's an ugly pattern and something I am trying to working toward changing.

It is known by some, that my most recent issues are related to Cute Boy and my issues in and around our relationship. Without going in to great amounts of detail, I will say that I'm not entirely at fault in my concerns about our future. In my past relationship I would have completely taken the blame for the issues, but not this one. Our issues are our issues, not mine and not his.

I don't really know how to get out the words that are floating in my head, so this entry so far is very 'all over the map' in it's composure. I'm trying to figure things out about the dynamic of my relationship. Where is it, where it's going and all things in between.

My history with my ex-husband are starting to make themselves front and center in how I'm dealing day to day with issues in my current relationship. My heart hurts at the thought that I'm letting FN experiences colour how I handle things with Cute Boy. Everyone in any most any relationship will fight or disagree at one time or another. When Cute Boy and I do, it is the end of the world for me. I'm automatically thinking this is the end of our relationship, we're breaking up, we're not going to make it. It's a very fatalistic view, not to mention mentally and physically exhausting for me and I'm sure my network of support (you know who you are) One particular friend has called it hard and straight up... I'm using up my "friend moments and she is tired of it too"

When Cute Boy and I get along it is incredible and I do believe in my heart of hearts we are good for each other. Our major issue, I think, and I could be wrong is our communicating. I communicate for a living and I think I'm superior to his communicating. That would be when I communicate, because when I get scared or whatever when we disagree I internalize and shut down. I don't do it as a punishment to him. It is done as a protective-thought-invoking manner that helps me process things. I try very hard to think before I speak to him so as not to say something I can't take back. Cute Boy's approach is to holler and fly from the hip and say things he may intend to say, but maybe not mean in a way that it comes out. That hurts me and I revert in to myself all the more and this in turn makes the chasm that much deeper. It is a bad cycle and one that has repeated itself a few times in our short history of 7 months living together.

There is no question that my love for this man is deep and true, as is his for me. I love him in the simplest of ways. How is it that I have an easier time telling the Internet how I feel than saying the words to him. What does that say about me? Am I as good a communicator as I seem to think I am or do I just talk a lot? He and I have been right here right now before and things got better for a while and we fell back in to the same pattern.

I think for my part in the equation I am going to go back to counselling. It is unreasonable that I'm panicking all the time at the issues that present themselves in my day to day life with Cute Boy. I hate the idea of counselling again, but I look forward to the discovery of what is troubling me and the ability to fix me. I'm not saying that I'm responsible for all things wrong, but maybe I can have a more positive approach to negative things when I'm educated on what it is that is making me feel the way I do.

I don't know how to properly thank you for the support you've shown and continue to show. You are an incredible group. I'm truly blessed in knowing you're in my corner and want only what is best for me and my future.

Big hugs!

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