Thursday, April 02, 2009

Hiatus Revisited

I realize now, of all times, is not the time to take a break from blogging. Some times I don't know what it is that runs through my head. When times are tough I get all up in my head and shut down. Those closest to me know this, most usually see it and try to circumvent the situation. I brush off the offers of socializing in favour of staying home and wallowing in my own negative or worried head space. It's an ugly pattern and something I am trying to working toward changing.

It is known by some, that my most recent issues are related to Cute Boy and my issues in and around our relationship. Without going in to great amounts of detail, I will say that I'm not entirely at fault in my concerns about our future. In my past relationship I would have completely taken the blame for the issues, but not this one. Our issues are our issues, not mine and not his.

I don't really know how to get out the words that are floating in my head, so this entry so far is very 'all over the map' in it's composure. I'm trying to figure things out about the dynamic of my relationship. Where is it, where it's going and all things in between.

My history with my ex-husband are starting to make themselves front and center in how I'm dealing day to day with issues in my current relationship. My heart hurts at the thought that I'm letting FN experiences colour how I handle things with Cute Boy. Everyone in any most any relationship will fight or disagree at one time or another. When Cute Boy and I do, it is the end of the world for me. I'm automatically thinking this is the end of our relationship, we're breaking up, we're not going to make it. It's a very fatalistic view, not to mention mentally and physically exhausting for me and I'm sure my network of support (you know who you are) One particular friend has called it hard and straight up... I'm using up my "friend moments and she is tired of it too"

When Cute Boy and I get along it is incredible and I do believe in my heart of hearts we are good for each other. Our major issue, I think, and I could be wrong is our communicating. I communicate for a living and I think I'm superior to his communicating. That would be when I communicate, because when I get scared or whatever when we disagree I internalize and shut down. I don't do it as a punishment to him. It is done as a protective-thought-invoking manner that helps me process things. I try very hard to think before I speak to him so as not to say something I can't take back. Cute Boy's approach is to holler and fly from the hip and say things he may intend to say, but maybe not mean in a way that it comes out. That hurts me and I revert in to myself all the more and this in turn makes the chasm that much deeper. It is a bad cycle and one that has repeated itself a few times in our short history of 7 months living together.

There is no question that my love for this man is deep and true, as is his for me. I love him in the simplest of ways. How is it that I have an easier time telling the Internet how I feel than saying the words to him. What does that say about me? Am I as good a communicator as I seem to think I am or do I just talk a lot? He and I have been right here right now before and things got better for a while and we fell back in to the same pattern.

I think for my part in the equation I am going to go back to counselling. It is unreasonable that I'm panicking all the time at the issues that present themselves in my day to day life with Cute Boy. I hate the idea of counselling again, but I look forward to the discovery of what is troubling me and the ability to fix me. I'm not saying that I'm responsible for all things wrong, but maybe I can have a more positive approach to negative things when I'm educated on what it is that is making me feel the way I do.

I don't know how to properly thank you for the support you've shown and continue to show. You are an incredible group. I'm truly blessed in knowing you're in my corner and want only what is best for me and my future.

Big hugs!

9 comments:

Bre said...

((HUGS)) Hon, gald to see you back!

You have a great head on your shoulders and you will get past this - isn't it amazing how much we grown and learn once we think we are done growing and learning??

Tigerlilly said...

Sounds to me like your afraid to let yourself be happy. You need to tell yourself that its ok to enjoy life and love someone, even if there are times when it will not be so happy.

I hope things start getting better for you soon.

Kristin said...

{{{Hugs}}} hon. I hope the counseling gives you the insight to deal with things.

Chiloe said...

counselling is a great idea ;-) Hope you find a way to deal with your fears of loosing him. We all argue once in a while: life will be boring if the other one will think like us ;-)

((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Margaret said...

I continue to be so amazed at how true to yourself and your feelings you are. I know you can work through this and I'm glad you're using your blog to help.

mumzy said...

Life is hard at times. It is difficult to get used to living with someone new but even when one has been married or living together for a long time, there are speed bumps in the relationship. Communication is always the best way to get over those. Things will get better so hang in there.

{{{Hug}}}

Pumpkin said...

This might be a wise idea Tammy. Sometimes we need an outside party to help us see the light and give us the non-biased answers that we might not get from those that are too close to us. It's no wonder that your past relationship is affecting your current. It took me quite a while to get used to the kindness and thoughtfulness that DH brought into our relationship, and like you, whenever we fought, I thought it was the end. It takes time and for each person, it will take a different length of time. I think this will be good for you if you are open to it :o) Good luck. ((((HUGS))))

Velda said...

I'll be honest and tell you I did not read the entire post...just know that I KNOW what's going thru your mind and heart and I support you either way. I love you.

NHStitcher said...

((((HUGS))))