A Little Down Today...

On the scale that is!

I weighed in this morning and the scale showed me down .8lbs! I'm a square 140lbs. It's been since sometime in September that I've seen 140. WOOHOO! I'm nowhere near where I want to me, but I'm working towards my goal.

.8lb loss isn't as good as I could hope for, although the fact that I haven't been on the treadmill or lifted a weight in about a week I'll take .8lb. It's all good when the number is going down!

I've made a decision about what my goal gift is going to be when I hit my 125lb mark. Lululemon pants. If that isn't incentive nothing is. Okay, I know the goal is to be healthier and I will be when I don't have this extra weight sitting on my midsection.

YAAAA for a mini scale victory today!

Have a healthy day!

A How To Guide

A How To Guide To Crying At Work

• Have a best friend diagnosed with terminal cancer - sucks
• Have said friend choose The Climb as her theme song - fits so well
• Avoid The Climb like the plague since diagnosis and choosing of theme
• Have issues with posting to blog journal of the treatments and feelings of friend - damn it
• Know that your friend is dealing with things your can do nothing to help with
• Hear The Climb on co-workers on-line radio
• CRY sad sobbing tears

Date Night

Cute Boy and I had ourselves a date night last night.

Dinner at Montana's with the cutest waitress ever! That waitress would be my daughter - Queenie! Dinner was a selection of the Cobb salad with a side of 4 Cheese spinach dip. I slowed my eating on this one so that Cute Boy ate more than I did. Sneaky girl, I am.

Off to the movies we go. Our timing was perfect for seating, except for a very obnoxious lady beside me that thought it a good idea to verbalize her thoughts about what the characters were doing. It was uber annoying! I could have smacked her.

I advise you to head out to your local theaters and see this movie. Sandra Bullock's character was amazing. She did an amazing job. Her character didn't smile a lot, but she showed her emotions so well with mostly only her eyes and a twitch of her mouth. I cried a few times, not as much as I expected, but tears were definitely shed.

All in all, a great day with Cute Boy, an awesome waitress and a feel good movie!

Heavy Hearted Moment

When you're tired and working on less that 7 hours sleep in 2 days, you should do what you can to avoid things that are emotional and difficult. Working on less than 7 hours sleep in 2 days, is in no way smart. It is not good for you. It's especially not good for your heart or your emotional handle on things you can normal deal with in a manner of strength and not as a blubbering maniac.

I got out of work early today to do a bank thing for Cute Boy (new truck comin' - ya). That was fine. Since I was in the neighbourhood, I thought I'd check up on Princess and see if she was at work so I could pop in and see her. Her not living at home obviously limits our time together. She was shocked at that in the beginning, but has gotten used to it, or it seems anyway.

Princess has 2 jobs and I expected her to be at the job closest to where I was, but unfortunately she was at her job a bit further down the road, not far, but more of a hassle for me to get to at 5pm. Traffic joys? You wanna bet. I communicated via text messaging that I would pop by the close job, but not deal with the traffic to the farther job. The whole time talking to Princess she had told me she was outside her work waiting for me. It was a tough thing to tell her I wouldn't be driving down to her job to see her. It was too close to her start time and I'd never make it in traffic. So, I headed towards home or so I thought. I just automatically got in the lane that would spin me around and take me to her job.

I drive in to the parking lot and there she is in the window, looking out. I thought telling her I wouldn't be popping by to see her, was tough. This was so much tougher. You know how people say, "It was like getting punched in the gut". Well, this was just like that. She had this expression on her face that just hurt so much.

I didn't stay long, but seeing her felt good. I think it felt good. It hurt like hell. I cried all the way home and then stood in the kitchen and sobbed to Cute Boy. I know a lot of Princess' decisions are of her own making and she has to do what she has to do, even if that is not what is best for her future or her safety or health. I can only do so much. I have to step back and watch this unfold. It hurts like hell. I know I've already said that, but it's the only thing that really seems to fit.

I'm putting this day to bed!

Re-commitment to Me

This past week I was half assed doing Weight Watchers again. I started out gangbusters to only fall off part way through the week.

That being said - I lost 1.8lbs this week! WOOHOO for me! I would be more excited than "WOOHOO for me, if last week's WI didn't see me at the highest I've been in the last 8-10 years!

This is the day I re-commit to me and setting time aside for me, my health and my mental state. The mental state and my body size, shape and weight go hand in hand. I know it's not a good thing, but that is who I am. It is how I'm hardwired. I'm working towards changing my thoughts of myself based on my clothing size, muffin top - all of it. I'm trying.

I hit the treadmill yesterday for 2.2K. I"m on way there again! I'm excited AGAIN to get on the treadmill and feel good about what I did for ME today!

Have a great one!

College Bound

College Application $90.00

Child College Bound - Priceless!

Queenie and I submitted her applications for college admissions tonight. WOW!! It was quite the proud moment. I cried! Of course I cried. I could cry now, still. I am so proud of Queenie. I was just beaming! What was even sweeter was she was beaming too. As proud as I am of her, she has to be equally as proud of herself.

The path to this time in her life and this success has not been easy. Life has been a challenge for her. There are challenges of her own making and those made my others, myself included that would have, could have sabotaged her efforts to get her act together and persevere to a point where she is able to submit college applications. She hung in there, she struggled and she fought for this moment. She deserves every success!

I love you, peanut! Congratulations! I am so proud of you!

p.s. -- Yellow for her favorite colour

Anniversary of Sorts

Today marks the 4 year anniversary of my split from FN. What a 4 years it has been.

There has been so much that has happened as a result of my separation. I would like to be able to say DIVORCE since FN is 'married' to someone else, but the sad disgusting truth is we are still married. I hate it and if not for what seems to me, the compromising of my beliefs and allowing him to go unaccountable for his responsibilities, I'd be divorced by now.

That is all I will say about that. This post is about celebrating the good in my life because of my life experiences, and that separation was a major life experience.

Cute Boy is first and foremost in my thoughts when I think about the good that has come of my new life post break up. I have never admitted this on my blog before and to very few people in my real life. I never admitted it to anyone, until after I did to Cute Boy. I'm a very loyal relationship partner, and by that I mean I'm not a cheater! I'm not a physical cheater nor an emotional cheater. I just have to get that out there, I guess to clear my own conscience. Some of you may be aware that Cute Boy and I had known each other for about 11 years prior to entering in to this relationship. Even while married, I was drawn to him. It was only through the summer (baseball) that I would see him, but I was always content when talking to him and it was something I would look forward to. When I would get to ball and he'd not be there I'd be disappointed. The first year I played ball after my marriage fell apart, it was because of being able to see Cute Boy, that I played. I'm so glad I did. I've always loved the people on my ball team, and now I REALLY love a person on my ball team. How cool is that? All because of ball and him taking a leap of faith asking me out. There is a long story about him asking me out. I should share it one day. There is a woman that both, Cute Boy and I adore that was instrumental in him asking me out. She too, has a special place in my heart! Thank you Traci!!!

There have been some not so good to come of my life taking a different turn. I don't think for a minute it's all about me, those negative happenings. That realization comes thanks to counseling and having very sound advice given by people that love me to the ends of the earth and back, specifically Velda, just today in fact!

I've been blessed in the last 4 years with the support of some amazing people. You make what I do each day easier. You give of yourself unconditionally and in a way that fits my needs when I need them. I'm truly blessed.

So, those early days of my separation, filled with not knowing, the fear, the blame, the hurt and the sense of failure where all for good. I am stronger because of every experience. I am in a place different than what I envisioned for my life, but I place I am proud to call my own. I like who I am and I like where I'm headed. I love in a way that I wasn't sure I could again. I love with a simplicity of ease and comfort. My life isn't always an easy one, but it's not one I would change for anything! I have told Cute Boy before and I tell him again, if he reads this entry and will continue to tell him - I wouldn't change a single tear or hurt if it kept me from being where I am right now with you!

MWAH!!!

A Gym Funny

This pretty much sums it up for me.

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Thank You

Balancing Act

Blog News
First off, I'm having issues. What????? Me???? Issues??? No, really, I am. If you are the owner of a blog that has multiple posting options (live journal, blogger, ID something or other) I can't comment on your blog. Graciela, Velda, 20somethingfatty, I can't post. I'm reading everything you write, but I can't comment. My computer screen comes up with an error code "error on page". At first, I thought it was my work server putting up a soft firewall, but I've tried to comment from home and it's doing the same thing. I'm so sorry for not offering up support. I feel like I'm being cut off from my family. If you want to e-mail me your address I can e-mail me your comments. Big hugs to those of you that haven't heard from me lately. I'm still rooting for you, in all that you do!

Queenie
Queenie is still planning on moving back to Cobourg She has hit a bump in the road courtesy of her father. He is juvenile in his thoughts and more so in his actions. His actions are again affecting how she is feeling about moving there.

Cute Boy and I are of two minds about her moving to Cobourg. It's good. It's not so good. It is her life though and she needs to live it. All we can do is support her decisions to the best of our ability and be available to her in the event she needs us. Isn't that the job of a parent anyway?

Princess
She is still not at home. That is tough! No if, ands or buts about it. I don't like the idea of her not living at home, but she needs to figure some things out for herself. I have to step aside and realize no amount of crying or coddling is going to bring her home. It isn't that I don't want her in our home and being cared for by me or Cute Boy, for that matter. I just will not allow myself to feel the hurt of asking her to come home and getting the "No". The emotional cost is too high for me. It's not pride. It's trying to protect my emotional state and my heart from further hurt.

Cute Boy
We are great and that is no small miracle. Any long time reader will know that we struggle in our life, in our ability to communicate from time to time. I hate those times more than mere words can convey. As much as I dislike those times, I'm starting to learn a lot from them. The lessons learned are many and not lost on me.

What I've learned in the last couple months is that Cute Boy is amazing and just what I need in my life. I've always thought he is amazing, now I know he's amazing for me. He offers support, love and understanding. There are so many times that I come here and dump my negative and don't give him enough credit in the good that he represents to me. That is the balance that I strive for in my day to day life.

I love the strength he shows. I love the strength he sees in me that I don't always see. I love the uncompromising morals. I don't always like when they don't lie in place with my own, but I appreciate the conviction of his beliefs. I love the conversations we are having lately. They do my heart and head good. I love the easy flow that we have right now. I love the sense of commitment and dedication of making our day to day life better for both of us. In the swirl of craziness it is comforting to know I'm blessed with the presence of Cute Boy not only now when life is good between us, but everyday!

There are other thoughts dancing in my head, but I'll keep them there for now for fear of truly and completely falling apart.

The Exodus Edition of my Life

I don't know where to begin. Most people would say, the beginning. Where the hell is the beginning?

Queenie
Queenie came home. Queenie is leaving again. She is not finding what she needs here. Our house doesn't feel like a home to her. She is really struggling. She is going again.

It has been talked about at great length. There is great concern about her leaving again. She has done a good job up to a point of making it work for her on her own. It appears to me that she is stuck in two worlds. A world, where for 2 years she was on her own. Making her own decisions. No parenting involved. No one to answer to. No one to tell her what to do. No one to demand expectations of her. In a school that is filled with other young adults. Now, back home she is in a school with 'kids' and it drives her crazy. I don't want to speak for her or how she feels, but it is as though she is displaced in her life.

This particular topic could go on and on, but I'll keep short in saying, that Queenie leaving is very sad for me. I have loved having her around and it breaks me heart to know I'm not going to see her everyday. It has been very good for us that we have had this time together. I know, it has done me worlds of good. When I kicked her out of the house it was one of my biggest life regrets and to put some of that right again, feels good. Really good.

Princess
Princess has now left home. When will the revolving door of my house/life end, really? I'm not saying this for pity or compassion. I'm not looking for it and most importantly I don't want it.

Things have never been easy between Princess and Cute Boy. It is as simple as that. I have been as much a contributing factor to that as anyone. I take my responsibility for that.

My fears of the life Princess will lead while not living at home, scares the hell out of me. I don't even know how to put to words the true depth of my fear. We'll just leave it at that. I've been very quiet about Princess leaving. I think a lot of that silence is the fear. The sadness. The hurt. The worry. The ugly of it. The feelings of failure as a parent.

Me
I never dreamed that I would be living the life I'm living. To think I have a house that neither of my daughters want to live in is just too much for me at times.

I have a life that is sometimes smooth, sometimes not. I am a woman that lives life with my emotions and wouldn't change that even if I could. I'm passionate about the things that matter to me and I'm always trying to figure out how to make those around me that aren't happy happy. I wonder if therein lies my biggest mistake. Worrying more about others than myself and then when I do worry about me and put myself ahead of one or another, I'm left.

I have no relationship with my father (whose birthday is today, by the way) and that is just sad no matter how you look at it. The story is long. The story is simple. I stood up for my children and my father and his wife couldn't handle that and walked away. Sad. There is obviously a lot more to the story, too much to write. The short and long of it is - no relationship with my father.

I don't stand up and fight much for my own happiness, as much as I am happy, I just don't fight for it often because people walk away if you don't tow the line.

My dad - walked away
Queenie - walked away
Princess - walked away

I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but just to get the rattling thoughts out of my head.

I never know if you read or when you read if you do. In case this is one of those times - I love you!

I Wish

Things as usual, are a mess!

I wonder at times, why life works the way it does. I just don't get it how sometimes things can just flow so smoothly and then 'BAM' right when you least expect it, you're on your ass looking around for what went wrong. In this particular case, I know what went wrong and I'll not get in to that here or now. I will ride it out and for once not use this as a mental dumping ground.

Instead I will do this - I WISH

• I had your strength

You know, I started this post to list things I wished for in and around my life. Where things weren't working, how things were making feel and how I wish they were different. I was wanting to list things to show how I feel unappreciated and not understood, now not so much. I list one thing - the brave fight of a most amazing, courageous and beautiful woman and everything else pales in comparison.

All the things I'm feeling are just so unimportant now. I will deal with my life and the way I feel right now, at another time. I will continue on how I am - quiet and alone with my thoughts. Talk is cheap. Screaming and storming off in a fit of whatever, even more so. The quiet continues, the hurts fester, but life goes on.

I leave you with a beautiful song - Rascal Flatts

"My Wish"

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big