26 - 4.2 KM
Distance to go: 485.2
I made it to the gym today for the first time in what seems like forever. I ran/walked, but mostly ran on the treadmill. I did a mini circuit of weights.
I mostly wanted to test my ailing shoulder with the mini circuit. It killed before, during and still now. I'm clueless as to what could be the problem. I know about 4 years ago, in another lifetime I hurt while working out, but wasn't able to get the rest needed to heal it. I'm not sure if it's a lingering injury from then or something else. I was pulling carpet nails about 2 weeks ago, that may have stirred up some trouble. I would think if that were the case the pain would be long gone by now. I have a very poorly designed work station and poor posture when working on account of the poor design and I wonder if that might be the issue. Popping Advil and a heating pad does little to relieve the pain. Oh well! It's a long way from my heart. I know there are some of you that will tell me to see my doctor, but since my last visit and his lackadaisical approach to my concerns I've lost faith in him. I'll live with this, whatever it may be and just deal with the pain when it gets me!
I have to tell you I do a lot of internalizing. No seriously, I do. I'm probably the most anal person I've ever encountered. I push myself to the highest strictest limits. I set the bar so high for myself it's a wonder I'm not certifiable. Maybe I am and no one has the heart to tell me. I want to be this, I want to be that. I'm happy with who I am as a person, but I want my body to look a certain way and when it doesn't I get so frustrated with my lack of commitment to the gym. There was a time when I worked and I worked out. That was pretty much the extent of my days. They were good days and they were hell days. I want the body I had at that time, but I'm loathe to commit to that mentality. Am I able to find one without the other? I'm sure of the answer, but somewhere someday I'm going to find the answer to that. I think when I do, I will find a sense of peace and contentment I've been seeking.
Most of these thoughts come from one simple run on the treadmill this morning. I was running and feeling incredible while doing so. Don't get me wrong my head was still racing with things that I felt I should be doing at home, but I pushed those thoughts away and focused on my breathing and the sweat I could feel on the back of my neck. I love sweating when I'm at the gym (only at the gym). For the briefest of moments I felt like I could do this, I could find the drive and desire. Scratch that I have the desire, I don't have the drive right now. I'm working on it though.
I walked away from the gym today feeling incredible! What a gift I just gave to myself. No one but me could have done that! I have to remember that as I struggle and strive to achieve this goal. I think I just changed some of my perspective from fitting in to those jeans to wanting to be healthier and toned again!
Thanks for hanging in here with me!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008