Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Stepping Back From The Ledge

My mind is heavy. My heart is heavier.

I'm not sure the words that will hit the screen will make much sense, but I need an outlet and since this is the only diary of sorts that I have, here is where it will be. I'm not looking for or expecting replies and all sorts of "you'll be okay" kind of comments. I don't know what I expect to accomplish, but need to unburden my head before I run full on into a breakdown.

I'm going to take some time away from my blog. It's not a big stretch that I do since I'm barely here anymore. My life is nuts and I'm not having fun. Mentally I'm in a really bad place (some have seen it before) and I'm not sure how to deal with it this time around.

I laid awake in bed for a long time this morning and came to the conclusion that I'm in a bad place. I struggle with the words to better state how I'm feeling. I'm on the verge of tears most every minute of my days lately. I feel hopeless and lost. Scared and annoyed all the time anymore. I have no time for me and I'm entertaining the idea of hitting the gym (which I did on Monday) and I'm about to hand out a resume for a part time job this afternoon. I know I don't have the time for these things, but I'm searching for something. What is the something? I don't know. That is the lost feeling I'm talking about. Is it my age? Is it my change of life oncoming?Don't even get me started on that one. I'm sitting here with the biggest lump in my throat. The tears are welcome, but they will not come. Why is that? Is it because I'll start and never stop?

I try extremely hard to not live in the yesterday state of mind. Regretting things you've done and can not change is something I've come to terms with in regards to many areas of my life. I find more than not I'm questioning my life decisions. Why did you do this? Why did you do that? What if you'd done this instead of that? Where would you be if?..... That is dangerous and in my opinion, underminds my decision making and questions my judgement. I hate when others question my judgement so I don't want to start judging myself.

I've suffered through 3 bouts of depression in my life. I'm very intuned to the workings of my body and mind. I pay close attention to my moods, feelings and the tiny and not so tiny tinges pain of my body. That being said, I don't think I'm in the early stages of depression, but something is up. I'm scared to delve very much deeper.

I mentioned that I'm looking at applying for a part time job. I'm handing a resume in to Micheal's this afternoon for seasonal work. I'm full time at my 'real' job so I'm available to work weekends at a part time job. I also work 1 week days, 1 week evenings, so I'm hoping that will be something that can be worked around. I know my life with be entirely comprised of work work work. It is better to work work work than to be unable to keep up with my financial life.

I hope I'm able to sort my head out sooner, but until I do, I'm taking a break. I will be posting books read and any stitching pics I have to share, but other than that I'm laying a little low.
Know I will be thinking of you all and missing you more than you can ever know!
Love you,


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