Thursday, October 16, 2008

Mentally Sound Again

I've taken the time away to do some thinking and I must say it was the best thing I could do for myself and my relationship with Cute Boy.

The last couple weeks have been very stressful and emotionally challenging to say the least. I'm a worrier extraordinaire and not the most open with Cute Boy at times. The reticence I feel at times stems from past experience of being judged for being negative and fear of being accused of over sensitivity. I know I'm over sensitive and my hesitance to talk with Cute Boy isn't far to him to not communicate my fears and concerns.

He and I have talked a bit the last couple days and I'm so happy to feel on solid ground again. It's not always something he has done, but sometimes more the internal dialogue I have floating around in my damn head. He can't be held accountable for the things he's not aware of it I don't tell him. Hardly fair.

I find that we are still learning to live with each other. It has only been 2 months. As much as we've been dating 2 years, he never spent time at my house and now we are really seeing how the other person lives. To see how the other person lives, especially within the confines of this disgusting condo would be difficult, but factor in a newly joined living arrangement and life is not going to be pretty at all times. Step the stress factor up a notch, by building a house and you're talking about stress the likes I've never experienced ever before.

Some may know and others may not, but I live with a very romantic perfect view of my world. I don't live that life, but I want it. I want sweet kisses for no reason, I want thoughtful gestures just because it would make me smile. Sometimes I think my expectations of such things makes it near to impossible for Cute Boy to live up to what I imagine in my head. The pressure I live under and he's unaware is quite extreme. You'd have to be right out of a fairy tale for me to feel the 'awwwww' of it all. Again, hardly fair.

It has taken me the last few days to come to some of these conclusions. It is hard to admit my overly high expectations because I feel like the worlds biggest be-otch for my thoughts. For quite a few days I was filled with the most disgusting negative brain chatter. I was starting to not like myself all that much and it was being shared with those around me, but not the most important person in the equation - Cute Boy. Once again, not fair. How can he know I'm having issues, if I don't tell him?

The biggest lesson learned, this last little while, is to step back from a situation and not jump to a hasty conclusion. Today's actions could have a resounding affect on tomorrow's success. Don't act in a hasty manner. People you love deeply could be hurt by your rash judgements.

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